[MissCharlotte]

I feel like one of those tiny balls in a pinball machine that keeps rebounding off the sides and only occasionally hits the little thingy that gives a lot of points.

Although I had a rather strong sense of self two days ago that confidence has eroded rapidly. It just seems that it takes so little to derail me and I am frustrated. I am left wondering if this is how the integration works. One day the molecules all come together and then the next day, poof they're scattered again. Maybe these are the polariites Kim was talking about in Pink's thread.

Although I know that T accepts me the way I am whenever I walk into his office, I feel as though I am letting him down by falling apart again--as if he would think come on already, what's wrong with you that you can't sustain this? I am trying to prevent a free fall here, but feel powerless like a little tiny fish swimming against the tide.

This morning I connected with T by leaving a message on his machine. As soon as I got to a certain point I began crying. I hate leaving messages like that. But It does give me a sense of being held--that he will hear my message and I will be connected to him. I can't shake this damned feeling of being lost and alone. I wish I had therapy today.

[Perna]

I use to find "appropriate" greeting cards and mail them to T then imagining her reading them. Was fun/distracting to find the "right" card, not easy but great when it happened.

Miss Charlotte, it might help you to not look at the connection as this huge thing that you have to sustain. Maybe look at it in little parts. I know that when I thought I could sustain the whole connection, I also thought I had made his over this big hurdle in therapy-- only to be let down again when I felt disconnected from him. T told me that it is okay to be in the middle-- that the connections I was able to sustain with him mattered very much because they existed... but that sometimes it is going to be harder. I also think in extremes-- either the connection is sustained, or I fall apart. However, that's not always the case.... you can be somewhere in the middle... T understands that... I know that when I'm frustrated with myself, I automatically assume that T must be frustrated, too.

xoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Perna,

That is actually not a bad idea! If I go out later I will buy a card for T -- sigh

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pinksoil said:
. I know that when I thought I could sustain the whole connection, I also thought I had made his over this big hurdle in therapy-- only to be let down again when I felt disconnected from him.

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T and I have talked about this. How it feels so good, and safe, to feel connected, but how I inevitably lose that feeling again. After his recent vacation, when I finally felt really reconnected to him, I told him it felt so much better that way and I wanted it to be that way all the time but I knew it would go away again - I just don't know when or how. And he said "well, why don't you just expect that, then?". And he said that during the disconnected time, we could look forward to whatever magical thing would happen to make us even more deeply connected than we were before. I like this idea....but it's hard to hang on to when I'm not feeling the connection....

(((((((((((((((((miss)))))))))))))))))))

yeah. me too.

i'm sorry it's so painful right now... i want to say that it leads to a happier time and place.. but so far my own evidence of this is lacking. I hope it gets better for you.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Although I know that T accepts me the way I am whenever I walk into his office, I feel as though I am letting him down by falling apart again--as if he would think come on already, what's wrong with you that you can't sustain this?

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Miss C do you find that between sessions your mind morphs your perception of your T? During the session and immediately afterwards you might see him as accepting of you and very interested in helping you? Then as the time passes between sessions this perception is morphed and skewed by your thoughts until he becomes this person who instead is judgmental and impatient of you?

[MissCharlotte]

Maybe, but it think it's really more likely that I become judgmental of myself and I project those feelings onto him.

It is with him that I have begun to integrate the affect I left behind a long time ago. And I slip back into old territory when I am not with him. BUT I am noticing this now, so that is progress. However, this morning when I first made this post I was not noticing and was very low and sad.

Feeling a little better now -- it's getting closer to Tuesday!

Sigh

[Kiya]

"I know that when I'm frustrated with myself, I automatically assume that T must be frustrated, too."

yep...same here. we just went through that last week and i started crying. T asked "what did i say or do to give you that impression?" Nothing - i'm frustrated with me, so I assumed T was too.

and i've not heard anything this week; not a phonecall, email... nothing. But Pink's right about being in the middle. What we feel is most likely not their perception. THe connection is there- it's covered with stones at the moment.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))

[chaotic13]

That is kind of what I meant by our mind distorting and skewing things when they aren't physically there to counter and dispel the projections.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

[MissCharlotte]

Yeah, but you know what I feel like right now? Well, actually, you probably do.

I just can't freaking take this anymore. It hurts too much. I hurt too much. My heart aches. I want to bury my head and cry, cry cry a river.

Are these the feelings I buried long ago? How could a child handle this? Oh, no wonder she split out.

[Kiya]

=( yes indeed - no wonder she split out. little bits at a time, k?
((((((((miss and lil miss))))))))

[chaotic13]

((((Miss C)))))

[Mouse_]

((((Miss c))))

MissC,
It amazes me how much I always indentify with and understand your posts. I am going through the same exact thing. Two sessions ago, I felt totally connected, totally understood. This made it so much easier to make it to the next session (which is now once a week). However, I have felt totally disconnected the last two sessions. I know it is this way when I feel frustrated with him (or project my frustration onto him) and express it. I realize now that sometimes I desperately try not to express it but it comes out indirectly. I know exactly how devastated you feel. This week has been unbelievably excruciating emotionally. But I don't call him because I'm afraid he'll back further away. I really hope tomorrow is a good session because I don't think I can take much more of this. I hate being in so much pain and feeling that no one knows, that I'm all alone. I hate thinking that I'm going to tell him how much pain I'm in and that he possibly might say, well you're just in a regression, expect that. I want to get rid of it. I want one week of peace. I hope your session goes well tomorrow and that you are granted peace until your next session. I wish we all could find peace that isn't contingent on another.