T threatening termination.

Pegasus, not knowing your other situation with your T, I've experienced two parts of what you're dealing with that I'll share to hopefully offer help.

I had a T who was pushing me to terminate, telling me I was ready to end it, not taking seriously my claims otherwise, and stringing our appointments to longer and longer periods. I'm not sure how the end actually came; I must have consented--though against what was in my heart. We left it at that if something came up, I could get back in touch to see her for a session or two about that issue. After 6-8 months stuff did come up, and we resumed in full. I think she wanted me to be out on my own having been in T for 9 years non-stop.

She did terminate with me years later under a ” walk into session and told it's the last scenario.” Messiness going on there; not a normal situation. No real opportunity to process things and prepare, it’s been horrible. The feeling of abandonment has kept me from finding another T after 4 years.

It sounds like he doesn't want to work with you, maybe because he thinks you’re ready, maybe other reasons--even if he isn't aware of them.

What about proposing--if it's a last resort--that you take a break of unknown duration with chance of returning if needed? And getting a chance to process your relationship to that point?

Whatever is going on might have nothing to do with you, and the truth is, if a T's heart and mind aren’t fully devoted to working with and for you, it's wrong for them to continue.

Oh Pegasus I'm sooo sorry, this is one of my biggest fears. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry.
Hugs-Angel

(((( Pegasus ))))

I keep reading this and I read your other thread too. I feel so bad for what you're going through. As if it wasn't already hard enough, now he's talking of termination. It's mind-boggling.

Can you go outside the NHS and choose your own therapist to work with?

Just want to say I really do appreciate all your view points on this. You have all given me plenty to think about.

Obviously I am going to have to discuss this further with T even though it is so painful. I don't think T would just suddenly stop all therapy in one foul swoop. Besides that I have been going to see him every week for the last 6 years, so one would think we would need to space out the appointments gradually. I don't really understand why this has all come up now, in my view, I happen to be in some serious %#@&#! right now and under a lot of stress. Therapy... ugh!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:

Exactly what it says in the title of the post.

I have been with T 6 years and yes I can see I have made a lot of progress but I'm certainly not ready for that.

In my view, I am so damaged that I feel I need therapy for the rest of my life. I still have gaping psychological wounds that have not healed and probably never will. If you all knew what I had been through, I'm sure you would all agree with me.

I do have serious issues with abandonment, he said he wouldn't just suddenly say next week is our last session but he said he feels I have learnt everything now. What a load of bollocks!!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Did you ask him if he was actually the person behind Nagasaki and Hiroshima? This was actually a pretty big bombshell he dropped on you, but then again I don't know the context that he said it in.

No one has learned everything because it's impossible to KNOW everything.
My best guess is (and this is without any background info. whatsoever)that your T feels as though he can't get any further with you because of his own limitations (without him saying that directly).

How would you feel about starting with another T, out of curiosity?

How did your T say this to you?

I agree, I've heard of T's labelling someone as "hopeless" when they cant go further with them because of THEIR limitations.

Your T is using a different tactic to say the same thing, he has failed.

No, I'm sorry friends, my T has been to hell and back with me. He is the expert. He is the big cheese and he is very experienced. I'm sure that it is not that he does not know what to do next. It does seem that everyone here likes to blame the T for everything here, please don't be offended with me saying that.

Having thought about this a lot, what he is saying is that I will not be having therapy when I'm 93, that there will come a time when this will all end. I do know a lot and can more or less cope, although I did hope that there was more to life than just coping.

I fully plan on having pain therapy if/til I get to 93! Good thing my T is a little younger than me

He he, my T will be dead when I'm 93 anyway!

We have to stop at 93 ?!?!?

Thanks for making me laugh!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:
He is the expert. He is the big cheese and he is very experienced. I'm sure that it is not that he does not know what to do next. It does seem that everyone here likes to blame the T for everything here, please don't be offended with me saying that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
What would it mean if he doesn't know what to do next? Is it tolerable for a therapist, whom you see as an expert, to not know where to go next? I'm not saying that this is the case, but I'm just wondering how acceptable (or not) it would be for your therapist to NOT have the answers. I do wonder, though, if he is such an expert, why he thinks that you learned everything you need to learn. Most therapists who are doing long-term therapy (and it seems obvious that your T does, since you mention that you have been with him for six years) are of the idea that self-examination is a never ending process-- and that there is not a certain point in time in which you have "learned everything."

It sounds like you and your T have been through so much together. What part do you feel that he is playing in this? What part do you feel that you are playing? Is there a way that a strengthening of the relationship can come from this?

Oh, some really good questions there!

What would it mean if he doesn't know what to do next?

This is an interesting question because a couple of weeks ago he said that I was going through a transition and it was time to look at what to do next in therapy. He was asking me! And I have to say, that I would prefer him to take the lead and say what we should work on but he said it's a partnership, not like a medical Doctor/patient relationship but a team thing. That kind of flumuxed me, and I leapt down T's throat, "Don't you dare get rid of me!" So it was me that originally brought up the topic of termination. T knows that I have a fear of therapy ending so of course we have been discussing it.

I guess I still look for T to know all the answers, and still try to remain in patient mode as much as possible. It's much easier if someone else makes all the decisions.

Your other questions, I need to chew over.

Doomed.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:
No, I'm sorry friends, my T has been to hell and back with me. He is the expert. He is the big cheese and he is very experienced. I'm sure that it is not that he does not know what to do next. It does seem that everyone here likes to blame the T for everything here, please don't be offended with me saying that.

Having thought about this a lot, what he is saying is that I will not be having therapy when I'm 93, that there will come a time when this will all end. I do know a lot and can more or less cope, although I did hope that there was more to life than just coping.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Are you saying to us now that you think that his threat of termination wasn't really a threat to terminate, but rather a distorted thought that you had when you thought of the fear you have of ending therapy?

I really would like to know, because it seems you've made a full circle. You need to be clear with your T in the future that he needs to be direct, that way you don't make huge leaps and assumptions. It's a REALLY big difference if someone says to you "I don't think you'll need therapy when your 93" to "I'M TERMINATING THERAPY WITH YOU SOON" don't you think?
What did I miss here?

He's not the expert. There is no expert. There's only doing what you think is the best thing to do is with the information at hand under given circumstances. Whatever has been said, he certainly has you set you on a course of deep soul-searching, and that's good, as painful as it might be. You've shown real development in your perspective over the course of a few posts, and it's kinda cool to witness.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Simcha said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:
No, I'm sorry friends, my T has been to hell and back with me. He is the expert. He is the big cheese and he is very experienced. I'm sure that it is not that he does not know what to do next. It does seem that everyone here likes to blame the T for everything here, please don't be offended with me saying that.

Having thought about this a lot, what he is saying is that I will not be having therapy when I'm 93, that there will come a time when this will all end. I do know a lot and can more or less cope, although I did hope that there was more to life than just coping.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Are you saying to us now that you think that his threat of termination wasn't really a threat to terminate, but rather a distorted thought that you had when you thought of the fear you have of ending therapy?

I really would like to know, because it seems you've made a full circle. You need to be clear with your T in the future that he needs to be direct, that way you don't make huge leaps and assumptions. It's a REALLY big difference if someone says to you "I don't think you'll need therapy when your 93" to "I'M TERMINATING THERAPY WITH YOU SOON" don't you think?
What did I miss here?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Umm... yeah, sorry but I did say that I am a very damaged person and that this is a very emotional issue for me. Just discussing it brings up the very worse case scenarios for me. My emotional self can only see doom and gloom with this. My adult self can see that therapy will need to end but can see it will be done nicely - ie. with sessions being spaced out etc. Sorry I asked for support on this!

Hey(( Peg)),

I am happy to hear that termination is not imminent!

There must be a frightened child inside who needed the support, and that's okay!

Take care.

Thanks MissCharlotte, it won't be ending this week anyway, not if I have anything to do with it!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pegasus said:
Umm... yeah, sorry but I did say that I am a very damaged person and that this is a very emotional issue for me. Just discussing it brings up the very worse case scenarios for me. My emotional self can only see doom and gloom with this. My adult self can see that therapy will need to end but can see it will be done nicely - ie. with sessions being spaced out etc. Sorry I asked for support on this!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You had/have me confused. Please do not take it as offensive when I post a query, as none was/is meant. I am trying to make sense of two conflicting statements.

1) Is therapy ending imminent?

You don't have to be sorry for asking for support.

If this happened to me, and no matter how tactfully phrased by my T, or an appropriate next move, I'd freak out about it. I have a huge abandonment issue, too, and I know from various T's of mine having brought up stropping, or taking a break, that I did. I think everyone lives in fear of hearing the "t" word when it isn't self-initiated.

I hope you make yourself heard about the uncertainty you have, and the fear that what you want will be ignored, over-ruled--as it were--by your T’s judgment. Another big, central issue for all of us treatment course. Keep bringing it up as it continues.

Thank you for your understanding imapatient, most of my last session was talking about termination My T's view is that I have learnt enough to survive/cope, not that I know everything that there is to know about psychology but that I know enough. He made an analogy where he stated his case like this -

Last year my eldest daughter left home, I felt she was too young to do this and I was worried she hadn't finished her education. Normal parental worries that she would fall flat on her face. It turns out now, 9 months later that she is doing just fine, has her own place and is very happy. And I still see her from time to time. What T was trying to say was that it would be wrong/strange for someone to still be living at home (with parents) when they are 40.

I understand what he is saying but I have pointed out that I still have gaping psychological wounds that need to be attended to. My T is the only person that I ever talk to about my stuff, apart from PC, he is my only support. So from my point of view even talking about termination is very hurtful and painful. I will fight tooth and nail to stay in therapy, it's my life!

Hugs and prayers-Angel

Thank you.

Pegasus, you just flat out tell him you are not considering terminating your personal therapy at this time. Tell him you are still progressing and find value with it. Done. How can he put that in a report? "Patient needs and wants therapy but I refuse to help her." ????

One foot in front of the other.