Today's session - need help processing it

I do hope you go to therapy tomorrow.

I am just now reading this thread, and am concerned about your reactions from the last session.

You blame your T for "ruining" your safe feeling, yet you also said that what he mentioned was worked through long ago. If so, why did you have such a violent reaction? I think he did well to try and help you realize that what you were saying (feeling safe) was not what you were really feeling. The subject of the hugs probably needs more processing,imo.

I'm sorry you have felt such miserable feelings this week. Not feeling comfortable with your T is such a bad place to be. It is part of the process of therapy at times.

Not that you or he has done anything wrong, mind you. But...you're going to a session to just sit and color on the floor isn't really therapy. I support his trying to have a therapeutic time with you, but am sorry that it didn't work out. That isn't what you wanted, as you said. I hope in the future you will be able to discuss your feelings and not just state them and ignore the gorilla in the room. That's not what the T is there for. It would have been best if you had been able to talk about the actual need and reasons and outcomes from needing a break from the recent therapy sessions.

Well, I have to disagree. We were on the floor, and I was coloring, but there was still plenty of therapy taking place. I did need a break from the really hard-core trauma stuff we'd been doing, but there is lots of other stuff to talk about. We talked about DBT, and about a DBT workbook that I brought to show him, about my boys and my life as a mom, etc., etc.

I don't think we have to be sitting in our "proper" chairs to do therapy. The younger parts of me are more comfortable on the floor, and T is fine with that.

This seems like an epic struggle to me.
I cannot help but think that the other parts were being very expressive that day and you should point blank ask him about his response that day and what he was trying to convey to you and the others.

Question - does it not feel safe in there usually, and if so why was that day that safety was so imperative?
Hopefully this is not a dumb question I am new to posting here. Have mercy.



tuliptorn

I think just sitting on the floor coloring could be very therapeutic if that's what the client needs. I remember one time in therapy I needed to just kick back because the last few sessions had been very intense. My T and I spent much of the hour discussing energy psychology and watching Laurel and Hardy videos on his laptop. (When else could we discuss energy psychology? It's not like I see him outside of his office, so our only chance is during our session.) At one point he said, well, we haven't really done much psychotherapy today. I guess this was an invitation for me to bring up anything I needed to talk about, but I ignored him. And kept watching Laurel and Hardy with him. Sometimes we just need what we need!

I do feel very safe with T. But the two sessions prior to this one, we had got into some really deep, painful trauma work. There was a lot of dissociation and flashbacks and although T was very reassuring and kept me safe, it was quite scary.

I just needed a chance to "be" after that.

Obviously, there is something more going on here....I'm just not sure what. I have T in a couple of hours - the 90 minute session. Should be interesting.

Good luck Earthmama. I hope you feel us all pulling for you that you and your T can work through this today. Let us know how it goes.

"What is Real? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

-The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams


Internettie,

I loved this. I am so messed up I constantly wonder whether or not I'm real. I don't know what's real and what's not. I'm new on here. I just had to quit therapy because I lost my job and ran out of money/insurance. I had been seeing my therapist twice a week for almost three and a half years. I was nowhere near done. I was glad to find this forum because I've also had some things happen in therapy this year that were really bad for me and confused me. And I've been wondering about therapy because I realized this year that I haven't made any progress in all that time and haven't gotten help with some of the things I really want or need help with. It would have been nice to know about this so I could talked it over with some people. I'm still struggling with all that and my views of and feelings about my therapist and then I have to quit going anyway, so it's really doing a number on me.

Hi Earthmama, what kind of therapy are you in? Minus the part that turned out upsetting to you, your therapist's approach sounds really interesting. I'm asking because I've been going to therapy for a long time and it hasn't helped me even though my therapist and I have gotten along really well. And some things did go awry this year between us, but that aside, when I realized I wasn't making progress after three years it's making me wonder if I need another kind of therapy or something. My therapist would never do anything like that with me (like the coloring, or trying to work on touching or hugging) and it sounds like the sort of stuff I could use. I'm sorry about the evil minister. I know what you mean. I don't trust anyone either and can't stand being touched. Only by animals. Not humans.

(((((((((((((((((((((( lifeblows )))))))))))))))))))) My T works from a humanistic/psychodymanic perspective.

Welcome to PC

Wow.

Well, it was really, really hard.

I realized that I have been burnt so many times in the past, and part of me is just like "let's get AWAY from this guy" - despite all of the kindness he has shown me, the connection I have felt at times, all of that. That part showed up for therapy today. I told him that as far as I'm concerned, he's just "some guy" and I don't really know what I'm doing there. I told him that I felt like he had fooled me into thinking he cared - or I had fooled myself - and that it's easier to just believe and accept that I am nothing to him.

He seemed very sad. He told me that of course he could understand why I felt like that, because I haven't experienced being cared for...and the times I thought I was being cared for, I did end up being very hurt - physically and emotoinally. He talked a lot about how this could be different - that if I can stay, and not run, that this could be a different experience for me.

As I sat there, I started getting a HORRIBLE migraine. I wanted nothing more than to just close my eyes, but I knew if I closed my eyes, it would be too easy for me to just dissociate and leave. It was such a struggle. I would close my eyes for a second, feel myself leaving, open them, feel the searing pain in my head. It was making me panic a little.

I wanted to just lay my head down, but I know that laying my head down makes me feel so young, and the young part of me is the part of me that feels safe and loves him and trusts him and I didn't want her there. It was such an internal struggle, and my head just got worse and worse while I sat there not knowing what to do.

He turned off the really bright lights and closed the blinds a little more so there was just a lamp on. He asked if there was anything he could do that would make me feel safe enough to just be able to lay my head down. I finally gave in and kind of curled up and laid my head on the pillow.

And of course, immediately, young me was there and I could feel a physical pull between me and him. I could feel the connection. I just started talking - about how I want to matter, I want to be loved, I want him to care, I want to be special, I want to be his favorite. I could hear myself saying it, but the angry, cynical part of me just felt like it had receded so far I couldn't get to it anymore, and I was left with vulnerable, little me.

At the end of the session, I did let him hold my hand for a second. I left feeling very sad. I'm not sure why. I haven't quite had time to process it, or figure it out yet - and I took some seriously powerful drugs for my head when I got home, so there won't be any real processing going on until these wear off anyhow.

I guess in the session, I really felt the hurt that is there deep inside of me - the hurt of growing up without love, and still searching searching searching for it. The young part of me wants it so much. I guess it just hurts.

I'm not sure if I've said anything that makes sense here at all, but anyhow, there's the update.

((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))

That sounded like a powerful session. Wow!!!

Good work EM!

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))

((((((((((lifeblows))))))))))))

Just wanted to let you both know that I read what you posted and I want you to know that I am thinking about you.

((((Earthmama)))),

I think we ALL can clearly tell from Earthmama's post that she did state her feelings to her T, or told him what she felt she needed, all WHILE she was coloring on the floor with the gorilla. EM does not appear to be the kind of person to ignore anyone, especially a gorilla that is coloring Mandala by her side.

The therapeutical relationship involves the T and the client. It is those two people who decide the goals, decide the purpose of the T. If every session consisted of avoiding topics that were uncomfortable, I suspect that not much would be accomplished although I won't make that blanket statement for everyone. However, one session of not talking about in-depth issues, one session of having the 'safe base' in close proximity so one can regain a sense of safety can be very therapeutical in my experience.

In this case, I think the T was picking the bugs out of the gorilla's hair. That HAD to have made the gorilla feel better, how much more therapeutical can you get?

I'm sure EM's T appreciates your endorsement. Earthmama, you really didn't want to have a therapeutic time with T? Are you getting attached to the gorilla again? Sigh. Haven't we spoken about this?

(((earthmama)))

I am so there right now too. T said I was searching for a stable mother figure in him.

Take care of you.

Hi EarthMama, makes sense to me. I understood perfectly what you meant and all the struggles with letting someone get close and feeling an overwhelming need to run away because anyone who wants to get close to you is just a sicko and is going to do something messed up to you. And afterwards you're left with the aftermath. Completely understand. It's one of the things I HATE about therapy and utterly cannot stand. I would have felt really sad and weird too after that session.