Trying to Avoid Being a Total B

I am scheduled to have a surgical procedure done. I struggle a great deal with being poked and prodded. I thought I might be a little better at tolerating this attention...but I'm not. I recently went in to have the pre-op stuff done and got very agitated with something as simple as laying on the table for an EKG. I tried hard not to be a total B, .. but I was. The woman was trying to be nice and talk to me. But was not interested in hearing any of her explainations, I just wanted to jump up and choak her for touching me and leave. Luckily, I just withdrew inside instead. I wouldn't even make eye contact...basically ignored her. The thing is the surgery day is going to be so much worse. With the medication etc... I am worried that I might not control myself and actually lash out at the nurses...and really be a B. Not sure how I can avoid being an bad patient.

Tell them ahead of time that you are having a hard time with it?

That sounds like a good plan to me. Not necessarily tell the nurses, but the doctor in charge who you most trust. Maybe they can give you something to help you relax, or at least make sure everyone is extra careful with you?

Did your T have any advice?

Chaotic, I am not an angry patient but I am a frightened one and can't handle people touching me. Here's what I did for my surgery: Took klonopin early in the a.m. before going to hospital. It was allowed. That took the edge off. I also insisted on and got approval from my doctor in advance to wear my ipod into the surgery. I had one earphone in so I could listen to them if necessary with the other, but frankly i zoned them out! I listened to a guided relaxation meditation.

Good luck on your surgery.

((((((chaotic))))))

I do not have an Rx for this medication. I do have some short-acting Propranolol that I was Rx for high anxiety situations, however I did not disclose this in my consult with the surgeon or the Pre-surgery evaluation. I actually forgot about it because I've only used it a few times.

OMG this would be great!!! This is how I cope with the waiting room at my therapist office when I am stressing. I might see about getting this approved for at least before and after surgery. I believe I am going to be put totally out for the procedure. I've never had this before so it is adding to my anxiety a bit.

As for talking to my surgeon, I would prefer not to draw more attention to myself. I've only met him once, no relationship with him, I was referred to him last week. He is doing a bunch of surgeries that day, he is likely only going to see me as I am wheeled in the OR.

Maybe I will tell the nurses I'm just a B and I would appreciate it if they just leave me alone as much as possible. I don't want them thinking I am a psycho-freak, I just want them to leave me alone. I wish they could just wheel me into a corner and let me tend to myself.

I see my T tomorrow but I am not sure I want to discuss this in detail. It is not that I want to hide it, because she knows I have this issue. It just that sometimes these discussions lead back to other stuff and then I am even more triggered after therapy. I see the value in these discussions, but it usually takes me a few days to settle down and benefit from them. I would have less than 24 hours to rebalance before the procedure. I think in the short term, simply being allowed to withdraw and given as much "space" would be best. I just worry about how I am going to cope with this situation when medicated. I feel a lot of aggression in these situations. Other times when impaired (intoxicated), have become violent when I felt physically threatened. I do not want this to happen.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I'm sure I'll find a way to deal with this--deep breath!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I wonder if you can tell your T "I KNOW that this goes back to my deeper issues, but I can't be triggered talking about them before surgery. Can you just help me with some coping mechanisms to get through tomorrow and table that stuff for later?"

I'm sorry you have to have surgery, and have all of this added stress to go along with it. Thinking of you...

Just a side note, hon. Don't sweat it. Recovery nurses are used to this. It happens for various reasons: sometimes anesthesia does this after surgery, sometimes it's nerves. All the nurses I've worked with says it's very common. The first surgery I was old enough to remember I was 17--I had never in my life swore, was very soft spoken. I remember being put under they put the mask on my face and told me to count backwards...I freaked out--tried pushing their hands away and said "get that ******* thing off m..." and I was out. They give you a sedative before, in the IV, to relax you. When I was in the recovery room, they wake you every few minutes to do your blood pressure--I sat up and said, "list B****, let me sleep!!" Needless to say I was mortified. The nurses laughed. When I went in to have my first baby I had to pee so bad and the nurse was a crotchety thing and wouldn't let me, she kept saying they were going to cath me soon anyway. I said, "listen lady, either you let me up to p*** or you'll be wiping p*** of your shoes!" I got to go, but I was in tears later I felt so bad. She hugged me and she apologized to me for forgetting that patients are nervous and scared and all have had different experiences in their lives that they bring to the hospital. So basically all this rambling is to say to be up front with them all--they come in to start your IV, tell them you don't like to be touched. It's ok to do that.

Good luck with your surgery, chaotic. I had my first general anesthesia surgery in January. I was kind of scared I would be put under and never wake up. All in all, it was much less stressful than I had anticipated.

((((chaotic))))

LOL -- I appreciate your desire not to be a total B, but what is really important is how you can care for yourself through the situation!

I would recommend talking to the Dr. You don't have to be specific -- just say
'I have anxiety about this procedure.' Then, let the Dr. know what is and is not helpful to you. For example, maybe choose one person to talk to you through the procedure, or if you do not want it explained, being warm, etc. It also helps me to have something special I can rub or focus my attention on.

My thoughts will be with you through this...I know you can do it.

((((((((((((( Chaotic ))))))))))))))))

I recommend just telling them that you are having anxiety issues, they can give you something while you are waiting for your surgery to start. My last surgery I asked them for meds early, they kept saying okay but they didn't rush to give me something so I was rather hateful towards them. Once they did give me something it really did help, the last thing I remember thinking before I went out is I am having surgery and I don't care, I love this med.

Good luck

Thank you all. You've given me some good suggestions. This is clearly yet another situation where my reluctance to opening my mouth and telling people what I need is creating additional stress. I think if I see the surgeon before surgery, I will ask him for medication. Although it is stupid I feel more comfortable asking the MD for assistance even though I really don't know him.I think part of this is a gender issue.

Chaotic,

I think this is sound reasoning. The surgeon is in charge of the OR. That is why I suggested telling him you want to wear your IPOD. If he says okay, then any nurse or attendant who might be grouchy can't override.

Good luck.

I tried talking about this in my session yesterday, it didn't go well. Total disconnect. I left my session with the feeling that I was just told that I've gone as far as I can in therapy. Feeling this way is just how it is always going to be. I emailed my T after the session to let her know the take home message I had heard. She email me back saying no that is not what she meant. But I still feel like this is my reality.

A few years back I was in and out of the hospital having surgery on an average of every two and a half weeks. It sucked. After the first surgery, which was emergent, I spoke with my doctor. I told him something like this:
"Dr. Smith, I'm really kind of stressed out with all of this, and lying on a stretch in a hallway/room waiting for it to happen increases my anxiety a lot. Can you suggest something that might help lessen this for me so my b/p isn't so high and I don't worry nearly so much?" See. . .I put it on HIM, using my words to say, "oh you're so wise, I need you, take care of me." LOL Men are kind of stupid that way. So he fixed it so that in pre op I'd get some Versed (you can ASK for this and no one thinks you're a dopie) and then left specific instructions that the IV, all forms, etc were to be completed right away, and I was to be left alone. No chatter, no banter, no "what are in you for" kind of talk. He also suggested I bring my iPod. I fell asleep with one bud in, and later when I woke up in recovery I discovered one of the nurses had been kind enough to put that bud back in my ear, and turn it back on for me.

My sister's a nurse and though some of them are royal pains in the ***, there are some really good ones out there too. Talk with your doc first, but I'd suggest also identifying ONE nurse when you get there who you feel might understand and just tell her, "I'm awfully nervous about all of this." That's all you need to say. The goods one will pick up on your anxiety and will try to help alleviate it, b/c the reality is a calm patient is a good patient, and anything they can do to help you find that calm place is going to be helpful to them as well as you.

Good luck hon!

(((((((((((((((((((CHAOTIC))))))))))))))))))))

Heya In my former job, I used to work as a technician in cardiology, and it's quite normal to freak out in various ways. Overt anxiety like yours is really more disturbing to you (the patient), than it is to the nurses and staff---who see it several times a day, every day! It bothers you more than them, as it's NOT characteristic of your normal self. Hospitals and medical procedures aren't very relaxing, you know?

Really. Do not feel bad. The nurse will most likely not take any offense at all. I'd tell your nurses and whomever else is involved in your procedures to tell you what they are going to do before they do it "I've got to place this sticky lead on your fourth intercostal space, which is this right here"... and if they don't tell you what they are doing ahead of time, slow them down. It can become rather rote and mechanical for them, even if they are consciencous. I hated the job personally (I hate healthcare).

I was really good at dealing with anxiety in patients... anxiety in myself, however, is a different matter.

(((((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))))))
I'd tell them too that it is problematic and what your fears are - so they know to be more gentle and will understand a "B...risk reaction".
Best to you!!! Be thinking about you!!

I'm sorry it didn't go well. Was there a disconnect because your T didn't understand how important this topic was to you? There have been a few times I wanted to talk about something with my T, and I brought it up, and my T skimmed right over it, like "this is not important enough to spend much time on", and spent just a few minutes on it, then was done, "what else?" Arrghh. I do not have good memories of those times. Total disconnect! Maybe something similar happened for you?

So because you had one disconnected session, the sky is falling? C'mon, girl! Do you know about the good enough mother? The mother is "good enough" if you can connect with her 1/3 of the time. Another 1/3 is spent in rupture, and another 1/3 in between. Same goes for therapist. The therapist is "good enough" if you connect 1/3 of the time. Could it be that this was not one of those times for you and doesn't mean you are stuck?

The feeling of being stuck ("gone as far as I can in therapy"), is one that therapists can help you with. I'm glad your T emailed you back with her version of reality.

Hang in there.

You do sound disappointed when you write that you've gone as far as you can in therapy. If there were no limitations, where would you want to go in therapy? Maybe this is something you can share with your T. Maybe she can help make it happen.

Well I survived! Surgery went well. I drove each child to school gave them an extra hug and then drove to the hospital to face my fears. Although the nurses were very nice and worked as quickly as possible I still started to become agitated. They kept checking my BP and HR because they were off the scale. Thankfully one of my good friends saw through my I’m fine façade and showed up just after the nurses were finishing their preliminary assessments and putting in the IV. She stayed and talked with me for a while which really helped a lot to get my mind off sitting in the hospital. After she left the anesthesiologist came in chatted with me, and asked if I wanted a sedative. I said I would appreciate that. Miss C I also asked him if I could keep my ipod, he said not problem. The first dose didn’t seem to do much, but he came back right before wheeling me into the OR and gave me another dose—THEN I was feeling a bit calmer. The OR people refused to let me keep my ipod on—some guy was kind of a jerk about it, but I relinquished and just tried to chill out and watch the ceiling as they strapped me down to the OR table. Then I was out. The surgery went well, and I am very blessed to be doing as well as I am at this point.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Chaotic))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You made it!

I'm so glad the surgery went well, and I hope you are able to get lots of rest and take good care of yourself while you recover.

My therapy disconnect…
I could feel my anxiety starting to build before I went to therapy. Then it just seemed to explode afterwards. The session started late, I was on edge and my T seemed off her game a bit. I know this happens, I’m a big girl, I know it was just likely one of those days. It just hit me at a time when I needed to leave the session feeling good—like I succeed at something, not frustrated. I needed to feel connected to someone, even if the connection was about meaningless stuff. Instead the session turn into a “where do we go from here” kind of session; which might have been OK, except in the end it felt like “nowhere” was the answer.
T just seemed to be speaking out loud as she assessed where I was. Unfortunately, she didn’t really seem to have a plan for how to move forward. It was like well we could do x, but x requires that you have y and you really don’t have y. We can do z but, you still struggle with really going there. Anxiety like yours is difficult to treat, bah…bah… bah…We seemed to be jumping back and forth from assessment to symptoms making the whole session kind of jumbled….brainstorming session. At one point she look right at me and asked if I thought my memory of certain events would ever come back. In the tone of this question, I heard frustration. Once I felt that she was frustrated, I had had enough. Maybe she was just trying to get me to connect the dots, but I just couldn’t in the mood I was in.
After the session I sent her an email stating that I felt like a child who had just been quietly told that she as to watch recess from the window, because she hasn’t earned the right to play. I said I felt like she was telling me she is out of options and asked if she was trying to politely tell me I have reached maximum benefit therapy can provide. She replied to this message, by saying, No, she wasn’t trying to tell me that. And that we will continue to work through my reluctance and go slow. She apologized…which is something that she usually doesn’t do. I then sent her a rambling email trying to explain all the mental noise running through my head regarding the session and how I am freaking out about surgery. This message must have been considered really out there because…she did not bother to reply to this one.

Want to stop working so hard and still failing. I want to just earn the right to play the game of life, without always worrying about what others might do to me.

Chaotic,

Glad to hear things went well. Good job!

chaotic--so glad to hear it went well. I wish you a swift recuperation.

That must have been hard to listen to her talk about you and decide where you were like that.

Why is she so interested/invested in whether these memories come back to you? It sounds like a lot of pressure. The memories will come back when they are ready (if ever), on your timetable.

Could you guys work on something else for a while and give this direction a rest? Maybe you need a breather from working on this difficult topic. Could you work on something else for a while and then circle back later, renewed?

It is great you know where you want to go.

I am slowly recovering from the stress of this week. I'm OK now. I think this is just another episode where my mind slowly went into panic mode and the mental BS ran wild. I felt it coming and tried to reached out for assistance from my T. Maybe she didn't understand what was going on. Then again maybe she clearly understood felt I needed to cope with this on my own.

At this point I think we were on different pages this week. I needed a comfort session because of my impending surgery and she was obviously focused on moving me forward.

I think she was trying to convey during the session is that we haven't been very successful in dealing with my anxiety because I am reluctant to talk about it. And when I do talk about what causes it, it tends to trigger more anxiety which is counterproductive. I get what she was saying now, but all I was able to receive that day was "you refuse to talk about stuff so I can't help you."

I guess since I was already in a state of anxiety and very concerned that the therapy session was going to trigger me more if I tried to really get into talking about stuff...I don't know getting the message that therapy isn't working because I can't tolerate talking at the time when I had a real legitimate reason for fearing being triggered just made me feel like a big failure.

I think under other circumstances I would have responded better to what she said... it was just bad timing I guess.
I sent her a short message yesterday apologizing for being overly sensitive to her comments and for misinterpreting the stuff she tried to tell me. She hasn't responded to me since I wrote her the evening before my surgery. It would have been nice if she just acknowledge receiving this; but I didn't ask for a reply, so I just need to assume that we will address this issue in 2 weeks.

Bottom line, I survived with out having her comforting me... maybe this a good thing for me to remember too.

Wow! Someone who knows how to enter a ç (and where to do it) -- how did you do that?