Please "analyze" why?

My suicidal ideation involves doing it where T will find me after the fact. Why do you think this feels important to me? I don't want her to find me and save me so its not about that. It seems incredibly cruel and of course I feel awful about it.

I think this is a topic for you to discuss and explore with T. I have had many dreams with T in it and I usually bring them into session and we explore them together.

((Bleah))

Take care.

How do you imagine her responding when she finds you?

Can you describe that a little more (including her emotional response)?

(Just realizing that you might be reluctant to say for fear of judgement).

It could be a whole bunch of things. It might be that you feel that she would be the person who would feel the most hurt / upset - which doesn't meant that you want to hurt / upset her, but rather, that your fantasy is more about the fact that she really cares about you such that it would hurt her.

A fantasy can be a fantasy without there being longings / cravings / action urges towards its realization. I don't think that one needs feel ashamed of ones fantasies... But exploring them can be useful, yeah.

Really... At the end of the day only you can figure out what it means to you...

But sometimes peoples questioning can help you figure it out!

The wanting the pain to be over and to be merged with that special someone eh?

Maybe wanting to express the depth and breadth of your pain to her?
You want her to see / feel / know how much pain you are in?

An exposure of yourself to your T..... THIS is how hopeless I feel / how bad it is / how much it hurts???

Hi Bleah,welcome.

Have you talked this over with your T yet? I know it would be a hard conversation, but if it were me I'd force myself to bring it up. I don't think it's a bad thing, as suicidal ideation often involves such fantasies about what the person believes will happen as a result of a suicidal act. If you care about your T, it really isn't surprising at all that you would think these thoughts about her.

It isn't anything to be ashamed of, but it is something to seriously work on so that the fantasies don't start to get stronger and then hurl you deeper into the pit of despair. Is it a depressive disorder your dealing with, or something else? Don't feel like you have to answer, I was just curious if your motivation for the sx. ideation was stemming from Major Depressive Disorder or something else.

Hang in there and post often. This is a really supportive community and I find it incredibly helpful in clarifying my thoughts and motives around therapy and the issues I deal with. You are certainly not alone. Don't forget to bring this up with your T also!

> it is something to seriously work on so that the fantasies don't start to get stronger and then hurl you deeper into the pit of despair.

why think that?

Someone helped me to understand that suicidal ideation is a way of saying that you are in "this much" pain--it is a way of quanitifying the pain you feel that you might not have words for, or that you might not have words for yet.

I hope you'll share this with T so you and T can explore it without judgement and with much curiosity.

maybe you feel this would be a way of showing the amount of pain you are in - another way - would be to discus it with your T - and maybe your T can help you find ways to deal with this pain, to let it go so it cant hurt you anymore. Keep posting here if you need support - you are NOT alone

P7

Are you mad at T and having a hard time recognizing or admitting that?

A couple of years ago, I was mad at and frustrated with my T a lot of the time. We were primarily doing e-mail therapy, but once every couple of months I would drive the 3 hours and 17 minutes each way to see her in person. Pretty much when it was e-therapy, I kept getting more and more frustrated with her and would convince myself that she probably hated me, and I really needed to see her in order to feel like she still accepted me and cared about me.

I was at or past that point, and had to cancel an appointment with her because my class schedule changed suddenly, and I asked her in a rather indirect way about an alternate date. She didn't answer, and I assumed that I would get the appointment on that date. Finally I asked again and she said she didn't know I wanted an appointment and didn't have any open, and I would have to wait three weeks. So, I started making suicide plans for the date that I wanted the appointment. Since I had already told my family I was going to see her on that date, I just didn't tell them that I didn't actually have an appointment, and I was going to go anyway, and die on the way there, in the middle of nowhere. T wouldn't have found me, but she would have known that "it was her fault."

So, what would you like to communicate to your T that would be communicated by her finding you? Suicidal ideation often doesn't mean that you want to die, but that you want something to change, or that you want something and don't know another way to get it. The thoughts are a signal to you that something is bothering you that you need to pay attention to.

Thank you all for taking the time to "listen" to me and respond.

I agree that my suicidal ideation is definitely about not having words for expressing how badly I feel, and like I can only show it by killing myself. I'm not entirely clear why it involves T. I guess its because she is the only person in the world who knows how badly I feel (well, as best as I can express it, anyway) and even though she shows me that she cares, I don't fully believe her (because of all the usual "no one can really care about me" reasons) and I guess I want to evoke a feeling in her though obviously I wouldn't be there to witness it, so what's the point?

I have shared with her in general that suicide would be a way for me to finally express myself, though I haven't shared that it involves her in this way. I fear that she would drop me as a client. If if she didn't, I'd feel too embarrassed to continue after she had seen the depth of my "sickness."

> I'm not entirely clear why it involves T. I guess its because she is the only person in the world who knows how badly I feel (well, as best as I can express it, anyway)

that makes sense.

> and even though she shows me that she cares, I don't fully believe her (because of all the usual "no one can really care about me" reasons) and I guess I want to evoke a feeling in her though obviously I wouldn't be there to witness it, so what's the point?

maybe the thought is that if she did cry and express sadness over your death (when you aren't around to see it) then that would be evidence that she genuinely does care for you. maybe that is what it is. a fantasy that she genuinely does care for you after all. that she wants to help you feel better. that she would feel bad if you didn't get better. maybe it is part of your processing her caring. kind of... trying to come to terms with the notion that she does genuinely care for you. that she would feel genuinely upset. accepting that... can be hard.

hang in there.

I'm mad at T in a way, in that I'm jealous of her being perfect (yeah, I know), having a happy life, and feeling "dirty" in a way that I've shared all this dark stuff with her and feel embarrassed. I don't think my fantasies around her finding me are to hurt her because I'm mad or jealous of her, but just to get confirmation that she cares because I can't believe that she does. I think for me suicidal ideation is that I really, really do want to do it, but I'm afraid (of not succeeding, or succeeding, not sure which I'm more afraid of) and I'm also a responsible person and am trying to keep in mind that its not all about me and my pain. Right now I'm the only one in pain in my little world. If I took my life, I would no longer be in pain which would be good, but several other people would be in pain instead, and that's not really fair.

you said several other people would be in pain - that shows there are people who care for you and who you care for - and im sure your T would be one of those people - so keep thinking about that - that is a good thing - people care for you and pain can decrease and get better - it sounds like you have a connection to your T and that will help too.

can you ring your T and tell them about your thoughts?

take care and be kind to yourself

If I took my life, I would no longer be in pain which would be good, but several other people would be in pain instead, and that's not really fair.........

Glad you said that Bleah.

Quick true story : In the mid 80's I worked a Help Hotline .....

Had an amount of sui calls .
* KA-BANG * >>>>>... is the sound that I still hear,,, from my last day there.
The paper a couple days later said ; Ruled suicide.

Point is ... I didn't know this person IRL [ so to speak ] ,,, nuff said ?

Im sorry you had this experience I_WMD - I saw a young man who had done similar and it still stays with me - P7

Yep , yep , and that is why I would rather be comatose and hooked up to machines first >>> before I would ever >>..Be So mean and hateful to another Human being as to >> let them / or think >> I got some glory FROM THAT ACT !!

definately hear that WMD... for me, there has to be a disconnection point, a safety barrier... the person at the other end of the line is the one in control... they have a time and distance advantage working in their favor if going now is thier wish... its a hard spot to be in for a long time like you did... i understand this about what you've said... i cant be held accountable for anothers choices.... i can however, state my feelings about it.. honestly.... if i choose to and it is appropriate... keeping you in mind WMD with b est wishes always

its a hard spot to be in for a long time like you did...

Excuse the F *** Out of me ??? >> HUH ? There was no fricking warning point .. LMAO.

they have a time and distance advantage working in their favor if going now is thier wish.

* slaps forhead shakes head *.

hope you feel better soon WMD

LOL ... and Just what are you implying being so quick to respond to my :O

Hehe.

I feel Just Fine run ... It is called >>. Self - worth ..

self worth ... ok..... works for you then and you are breathing self is an interesting topic for us to think on if we are talking about suicide ideation then... the OP is interested in the reasons we choose to keep on breathing... states others are the cause for now... give them self.... two is better than one

HUH ???

I kinda thought about 4 posts earlier I said something as to >> O P's position on sui >>> .

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I get it !!!

Memory probs huh Run ?? nvm .

Or I could get ill and say >> Get off ,,, my back Monkey ? w/e.

monkey LOL wish everyone was that kind guy well, anyway, always interesting....