Screw you t i quit!!!! I hate you!!!!!!!

Well from what everyone said, it sounds like she does care.

Maybe you could see her again and see how things are and it could go way better this time.
I don't know how long you've been seeing her, but it seems like you really liked her and it would be a shame to leave and kind of throw away everything.

Take Care

moonkin

i believe she does care about you...deeply. but...i also believe that perhaps she might be feeling a bit overwhelmed. look you wrote in one of your posts this week she saw you for 25 minutes without an appt the first day she was back and that you always stop by for a hug. that's a pretty decent chunk of time...half of a session...for free...not scheduled.

and your post started off with a complaint that she said she would be 10 minutes late and she arrived 15...please moonkin...have you been off schedule or detained? things happen. perhaps there was traffic, or a meeting or another client who came unexpectadly with an emergency or presented himself and she felt he needed extra time (like she offered you).

the woman is human. she has needs too. aand part of those needs is that she has to set boundaries in order to maintain herself preservation. if she burns out then she is of no use to you, her other patients and in the long run herself. you chastise her for taking a vacation...please moonkin..listen to yourself...people need to recharge, regardless if its a vacation or whatever they do to relax they are entitled to it.

i hate to sound harsh but here goes (and forgive me) but you are overwhelming at times. from your posts it seems like there might be many calls, etc and cries for help...this is okay but maybe it is just getting to be a strain for her. didn't you say once you stop in for hugs all the time? i think she is just trying to redefine her limits so that she can continue to help you in the best way she can.

part of this burden is on you. you are 18. caught between a rock and a hard place...old enough for some things but not quite there yet. i think (just me) that you have to decide if you want ot heal YOU have to do it for you. not t. you. and it has to be a decision from inside you. it won't be easy...parents and siblings etc be damned. if they are abusing you don't let them. taking your money. fix the account. take steps to stop it. but do something...don't just wallow.

same thing with t. go see her again. be calm. maybe apologize for going off because she was 5 minutes off her scheduled arrival. that was uncalled for on your side...not hers. and ask her explain what she meant. maybe you misunderstood what she said after you got upset...its possible (happens to me all the time when i'm upset). if there is no solution and it won't work out then make a decision. this woman seemed to have move heaven and earth for you. if it can't be fixed then either stay or leave.

i hope you find peace.

How are you feeling today? I thought about you alot and was hoping you felt a little more peaceful. I was also thinking I remember 18 and I had this teacher that I loved so much she was like a mom/sister to me. She would talk to me and i would call her at hr house and we would talk. I loved being with her because she made me feel special and cared about and loved. I wanted to be with her alot. I remember when she stopped calling me and returning my calls I didnt find out until years later she did this for a good reason not anything for me or about me but because of her sexual orientation and what people began to say. I never knew she was gay and she never did anything to me. The point is when she stopped it hurt so bad. (she apoligized since then for the way she did this) but I thought I would die or kill myself and how could I keep going when this love was gone. It hurt like hell. When your 18 things are way different then when your 20 or when your 30.
No matter what happens with this therapist and I know you love her and she has given you that sense of security and love and attention....there will be others that will do the same for you. Thats the good thing about life and people you will see as you grow older and more world savy is that there is not just one person in this world that can love you care about you and you them. No matter what anyone says about you being to dependent to whatever with your therapist I want you to know that sometimes expecially at your age that happens when you have been hurt by people you grab onto whatever anchors you to the world. So dont feel as if you are broken or in the wrong for your extreme care of her. Most of us have a few more years of living under our belts and we can see things that at 18 we may not have been able to and we have had enough life eperiences to be able to do things different. I dont want you to take a huge amount of self blame. OK?
Things may work out with this therapist. and you will have the benifiet of seeing how somtimes this happens in any relationship and how to repair and learn from it. It may not and if not remember it wont end the world and you will find other people to help and soon the pain will go. It took a while for me to get over that with my teacher and i had the benifiet of being moved in and out of foster homes and saying goodby tons of times. It really really hurt and I blamed me. It had nothing to do with me and even if it had I was so young it would have been unfair for people to judge.
You matter to this world and one day when you older you will look back and see this as just another chapter in your life. You may even have kids and a wife and your heart will be happy and safe and loved and you will be ok. I promise you this that your therapist isnt the only person in the world that will come in your life and help you feel safe and loved and valued.
This may not make much sense but I am telling you this because I care and i want you to be ok and safe. I have my newly formed 18 year old nephew living here and he never listens to me and well I see that you are light years ahead in that area. OK? Tell is how you are. OK?

Thanks much

Today I feel very sad, confused, I put all my cards from T (the ones she writes things on to help me like so i can read them during the days off) I put them in a drawer , and I usually sleep with them and pray for her, last night I did neither, but this morning I did pray she was ok and to stay safe. I just don't know how I'll manage to get my dignitity back, what she said to me wasn't because of a recent thing on my part I've been doing what she said since we met almost 2 years ago ......I just don't know what words to describe my feeling, today as I laid down in depression as I always do I had no card to hold to get me through, no person to remember from recent times to vision how kind she was in my mind....all i had was lonely thoughts....so lonely...i hate what she did and made me yesterday....
Dustin

dustin I am so sorry you feel so sad. I hope that tomarrow you can talk to her and get some closure or repair. I am glad you are staying safe. Its not a good feeling. You can do this. You can and you are. ((HUG))

I won't be calling her, she doesn't like me to anymore....she's changed......now I'm alone.

the likeliness that she would change from 2 years over 2 weeks is pretty much nil. i agree with the people who've said it sounds like she wants to work on boundaries here. you're extremely dependent on her, and need to work on that too. your response is very emotional instead of rational. you need to go back, try this again, and try to see things through a lens other than one that's defensive or jumps to the worst conclusion.

dustin,
it sounds to me like you are pushing her away. i am sure if you gave her a call and told her what is happening she would try her best to help in a way that was both beneficial to you and her.

Moonkin, from everything you've written here, these things just don't sound true. I hope you can go back to see her. If you're not able to right now, maybe taking another week off will help. Then with a little more time/distance, you might be able to go back in and discuss all of this with her. Hang in there.

I'm confused, I'm sorry, I just don't think anyone understands, I think you care though. My T woke me up from feeling dead to feeling alive, yet I've abused that, I already know what I've done wrong, what I still am doing wrong. But that doesn't change things, it only makes it hurt worse. I'm lost....on as to how I should look at her eye to eye next session, talk to her, I mean she has said in the past she doesn't want therapy to be about her, rather me, while it is tenfold and its about both of us, I don't see her wanting to talk about the past, because she doesn't see its worthy I mean she thinks she's right, me I don't know whats right anymore....I think I'm different...more so now then ever...different as in compared to anyone in this world.

(((((HUGS TO EVERYONE WHO GIVES A CRAP))))

I take all what I said back its my fault all this is happening, my obsession, my dependency, my trust, my heart, my fears, everything...I'm sorry T......and sorry PC.

its ok to be different MOONKIN, each snowflake is different and they are all beautiful

You are different we all are in out own way but your not the only one who has felt this way or has done this. I have felt this way before.
If you have been doing something "wrong" then that is what you can work on. It also up to your T to set her boundries her expectations up front so that you wont blindly trip over them. Its a two way street. OK.
I think you are a great person and I am very proud of you for reaching out and asking for support and being safe. You are doing stuff that people much older have trouble with. Its not fun to look at our actions expecially when we feel we may have done something wrong but its very brave. ((HUG))

if you didnt make mistakes you wouldnt be human - I think your T cares and has shown that in the past - dont let one difficult session change that -

hi Moonkin, i dont know if its appropriate to say this but someone somewhere said that a relationship with a T is comparable to that of a friend, or, we would like it that way maybe, so i was thinking, ive had friends that ive had misunderstandings and arguments with and i think part of the work of growing in therapy is working through these misunderstandings together, the way we would with a friend.. at least i'd like to see it that way... i understand your feelings too, we never want it to be about money... that is so... not emotionally caring to us... but it is kinda complicated in ways... T's have to eat too... and i bet they can care even tho they might be hungry, but truth would have to be, at some point, they need a sandwich too, right? hang in there, its ok to have all your emotions and to care so much like you do..

(((((((DUSTIN)))))))))

How are you doing now? I wasn't able to check PC very frequently since 24 DEC. so I haven't read most of this. I'm really sorry that your having such a difficult time right now.

NEVER apologize for who you are. You are NOT defective.

I'm not sure if what you relayed here about your T's comments in session toward you were an erroneous, misplaced perception due to some sort of cognitive distortion, or if she really said those things. All previous posts about your T seem to be that she was a pretty good T, so this is surprising. Something doesn't fit. Entertain the possibility that you might have misperceived your T's comments and that she might have said/meant something else.

What you describe your T doing sounds abusive, in which case you should NEVER see her again. However, it is more likely that (considering your past statements about your T) you had a misunderstanding and/or miscommunication with your T. Even if this is the case, it doesn't mean your defective or somehow bad or worthless; it only means someone heard wrong or misspoke.

Do you have anyone else that knows you personally who you could trust enough to talk to about this situation? As in, friend or family member? If you told your dad your situation, could/would he front you the money for a new private therapist?

Have you considered seeing your student counseling center at your university? Usually those visits are FREE, and I usually recommend them as a last resort if other resources or funds are not available. It would help to talk about this with another psychologist who might be more sensitive and objective.

Remember that the sun always breaks through the darkness of the night. Hope is always present. Never give up.
sam

Yes, including all of your feelings in reaction to your last session. Because that's where the beginning to understanding lies, and the understanding and awareness lead to change.

It can be very hard to shift from focusing on external things to focusing on internal things, feelings, experiences.

Extreme focus on T can be resistance to looking within. Resistance to looking with is very hard for some, because looking within is very scary for some. So scary we'd rather keep the focus on something - anything! -else.

When the focus on that something else begins to be re-directed, we can panic from feeling vulnerable, frightened, in danger, because the focus is shifting to us.

I say this not because I know you or your T, but because I have experienced something similar recently, and several times. In the last few days, following a post session call to T accusing her of pressuring me and of not wanting me to come back, I have come to realize that it is me pressuring me, and me resisting, and the fear of the focus shifting caused me to try to re-direct the focus back to her by way of my lashing out and accusations. Next session will be all about that, my reaction to the last session, my calls to her, my fears, my resistance. I'm uncomfortable about the calls I made, but I am committed to my therapy and showing up to talk about anything and everything.

I have no idea if what I said made sense to you or anyone, but I offer my thoughts anyway.

I hope you allow yourself your anger and fear and that you do not allow them to stop you from learning about you. It's hard work sometimes. It's uncomfortable sometimes.

But.. you.. are.. worth.. it.

How r u doing today ? I have been thinking of you and sending thoughts your way.