Losing patience with the process

Lately I feel exasperated with the process. I love T, and I feel safe with him and I know I am attached to him because I still have the key to the bathroom in my purse. LOL

But truly I am questioning my process. I can't see out the other side at all. T says that therapy should always propel a person forward but I feel like I am just bouncing off the walls from side to side. I keep crashing with depression and extremely disabling intrusive thoughts. I see T twice a week and we have been working together for 2 years and a 3 months. I am getting better and better at feeling safe and telling him just about anything but I don't see the payoff. I wish he could fix things. I wish I didn't feel like crap. I wish we could talk everyday. But I don't know how even that would fill the hole inside me.

I guess I just wish I felt better. I think I might be defective. I don't feel like there's a whole lot of healing going on and wonder if this whole healing thing that is dangled is real or if it's an illusion. I don't know what my process is anymore. I know my issues are complex and I know there are things that are still stuck inside me. I've mentioned them to T early on and feel maybe it's time to go over some of the stuck stuff again, but what's the point? It's still my stuff, not his. I feel alone when I think this way but I don't know how not to. T is wonderful and he is with me for 45 minutes twice a week. The rest of the time I am with me and I am not nearly as gentle as he is.

Ugh.

(((((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))))))

The process can be very difficult, I recommend talking to your T about these feelings.

((((MissC)))))

I have no words of wisdom or advice to give except I am sure there are other who feel the exact same. And like you I wonder if healing is possible or if it's just "something" I am "working" towards and will actually never get there...

AND you are NOT defective

I agree with Gimmeice....bring this up with your T.


LLT

((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think sharing with your T EXACTLY what you shared here would be really helpful. I think it's hard to see the process and the point of the process when we are in it...but then sometimes we look back and think "Ohhhh, so that's how that works"...those occasional moments of clarity.

What helps me is to do/say EXACTLY what I need to do/say when I'm in that room - even if it doesn't make sense, or it's not mature, or it's just little me being a big baby, or whatever. I did that tonight...just let little me out to do whatever she wanted and I actually left feeling better. I think for me, there is a lot of separate healing that needs to be done with the separate parts of me. I'm sort of hoping we'll all emerge in the end as one whole person, at least MOSTLY healed....

(((((((((((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))))))) Have you talked to pdoc yet about changing your anti-d?? Do you think that might be part of this??

(((MissC)))

You are losing patience with the process for a reason. What if that reason were a positive one?

I went through telling all the nasty bits with T, and then there came a point where I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I had a whole session talking about what the direction and purpose of the therapy was, and we decided to take it in a different direction.

Since then, the focus (aside from the times when life issues intrude) has been on our relationship there in the room. It is more about me NOW and stuff from my past is used only in relation to how it affects my present day life.

Perhaps it is time for a shift in your therapy? Maybe you're losing patience because it is time for a change, and somewhere inside you know it? You've done the exposure work of telling your story. Now, maybe the focus needs to be on how you can be more gentle to yourself.

You are NOT defective. You've made an amazing amount of progress. I see your desire to 'take charge' of the process and question the process as very positive.

Take a session, or two or three and really talk with T about your progress, your expectations, and what you want out of the experience. You needed T to be in the driver's seat before, but maybe now you're ready to get your license!

A bit of levity inspired by the title of this thread; Hopefully no one (mostly you Charlotte) will take this as diminishing the importance of Miss Charlottes suffering.

In Catholic grade school there was a nun—Sister M.--who was beyond sanity. A total Jesus freak--more than the average nun. Just a hyperbolic/histrionic person/believer. Got into rants about everything, talk to God, and rail at students. Out of control.

Sister M. was ranting at the class and in extreme anger mode and said, "patience, patience, I keep losing my patience!"

My brother said, "You must not be a very good doctor." Got him kicked out of class that day.

When I had her my years, one day when she was in total Jesus freak/talk to God/rant-mode.

She closed her eyes (as she would do when talking to God) with her arms held out full length with her palms up, getting into how she's lost her way...

"Dear Lord I've lost my way! I'm in the darkness, I can't see my way, I'm so lost; I don't know where I am. Jesus, tell me where I am!"

My friend Paul says "You're by the record player." Couldn't figure out who said it so she couldn't kick him out.

Hi MissC,

Sometimes the pain inside feels bottomless and there does not seem to be any way to ever stop it -ever heal it - talking is good - but - I dont know... I think maybe we eventually have to learn to soothe the pain ourselves with our T's help and then it finally goes away - I hope so -

It sounds to me like there is progress - you can now talk about your needs - that must have been hard in the beginning and now you can do that - that is HUGE progress - I dont think you're defective - I think youre hurt and need that to stop and are struggling with it - I wish I could help but I only have words and emoticons of course! no way to fix things.....

When I felt stuck recently I asked here and they said (very wonderful people at PC) talk it through with your T - and for me it worked - so I am passing on their good advice and hope it works for you -

I hope your pain eases and that you find a way to at least heal a tiny corner of the pain with all the kind thoughts and well wishes that are sent to your from the folks here at PC -

Please try to treat yourself as you would a friend - and be kind to yourself P7

Thank you all. I think that what is going on is truly complex. I believe I am integrating some very young and sad and depressed and lonely parts of my child self.

Yes, earthmama that is very true.

You mean we're altogether just ONE person? Like you are the kid, I am the teen and spotted is the adult, ETC.?

Thanks Spotted,
Yes it's time for a new direction but I am stuck on the ground. T and I did discuss this and hence his comment about therapy propelling you forward. We have always talked about my life now and my childhood trauma in that context. That's where it gets complicated because my trauma is complex and it seems to be always rearing its ugly head.
Yes, we are already there. We talk about how the adult me can parent the child me in a way that is not toxic like my parents were.

I think I do want and need a change but feel hampered in my ability to effect that change. Last time I did it by cutting of the child me and leaving her behind (unintegrated so to speak). Now, I feel like she's so needy and I have a hard time taking charge with her in tow. Sigh. That sounds negative but I have to nurture her somehow.

I'mapatient--I went to catholic school-thanks for the laugh!

Hi Miss C,

Could it be that you've become too impatient with yourself?? Sometimes, we expect so much out of ourselves, thinking we should be "over" it already, that it shouldn't be taking as long to heal as it is. But you've acknowledged that your issues are "complex." That's going to take time. It's to be expected that you may bounce back and forth for a while, in your journey to healing. Growth isn't always a straight line. You struggle with something as long as you need to in order to work the issue through. It can feel repetitive at times, and you may doubt that you're moving forward. But if you take a minute to look back. . .6 months. . .a year. . .you can see that you're farther along now than you were back then.

I have noticed that at times when I feel stuck in a rut, or that I'm going over and over the same issues, it often means that there's some key piece missing. . .perhaps some fear that is preventing me from getting across that hurdle. . .or perhaps that I need more reinforcement, more support, more safety before I am ready to take that next step. Could this be true for you?

In reading your posts, I think you're having some great insights and making some fine progress. Be patient with yourself and your pace. You'll get there.