[darkrunner]

(trigger warning for mention of SI)

During therapy, does anyone feel like a bug squirming under a microscope?

I had my second session with a new therapist yesterday.
It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable.

I didn't know what to say, or where to look. I couldn't keep looking at her, it is was too uncomfortable, but is was awkward looking anywhere else.

My T looked straight at me the whole time - she seemed to stare me down. I almost couldn't stand it. I just wanted to disappear, to go up in a puff of smoke.

I hate the thought of going back on Thursday.

Also, she made me promise to give me SI tool to my husband or to her. She said this is the lowest level of care and I have to be stable to continue seeing her. Was this a threat? Was she saying if I continue to SI she won't let me come see her anymore? I was afraid to ask and I'm not sure what she was saying.

I'm having such a hard time trusting her.
I feel like she is trying to get rid of me.

[Mouse_]

No I dont see it as a threat, and yes it does feel like we're under a microscope at first until we grow to know the person, then we aware of 2 people sitting in room both working on healing.

[Sannah]

My opinion, I think that you should listen to your gut.........

[pegasus]

(((((((( ktgirl ))))))))

How do you feel about this therapist? I don't know but with this only being the second session it doesn't sound like she wants to work 'with' you. It needs to be a partnership.

A good therapist in my view, would be concerned about safety. Would not try to make you feel uncomforable though. I don't understand why she would be staring you out. That sounds intimidating.

[darkrunner]

Thank you for the replies.....

Mouse - I liked your insight, and that is a interesting way to think of it. It is good to know I'm not the only one who feels microscopic. It will be hard to be patient while I get to know her, but maybe that's what I need to do and it will be more comfortable .

Sannah - I'm not sure what my gut says. I have a hard time trusting my judgement lately since it was my poor judgement that led me into an abusive relationship and then also to my first T who betrayed my trust. I don't really think I'm good at judging people at all......

Pegasus - I kind of feel like this T is my last hope for working on my issues. She's the only T I have found that specializes in the issues I am dealing with and is also in my insurance network. (I can't afford to pay out of pocket). I guess the desparation that led me to her is probably not very healthy, and may make it hard for me to judge if she is the right T for me.
She seems to understand my issues, and I guess the reason she stares at me is because I am sitting right across from her. .......I wonder if maybe I am being oversensitive? -- I don't know where else I would want her to look. And sometimes she looks away because she jots down notes and sips her water or tea or whatever it is. Maybe she is just trying to read my body language??? I don't know. I can't help feeling really uncomfortable though, especially during silences. I guess I feel a lot of pressure to say the 'right' thing, or to be very insightful.

[Sannah]

Can you talk to her about these things then?

[darkrunner]

ugh - I guess that would be a good idea, Sannah.

i don't know if I could do it. Maybe I will try.
Because anything is a topic for therapy, right, including how we feel about our therapists and therapy in general.
This sucks.

TY Sannah.

[phoenix7]

I never used to look at my T - I still dont a lot of the time if what im talking aobut is hard for me - you are not alone there -

yep have felt like im being under the microscope - being studied like a bug on a slide - mainly by my old T not this one I see now

its hard but sannah is right - talking to your T about this would probably clear the air - I hope things work out for you - therapy is hard but worth it - hang in there P7

[SpottedOwl]

(((ktgirl)))

You don't have to look at T if you don't want to. I don't think I would do more than take the occasional glance at T for months. Sometimes now, I just close my eyes and talk, and it helps me drop my defenses.

T is always looking at you because she is paying attention and she cares what you say. This can feel really uncomfortable when we're not used to receiving positive attention. (Maybe in the past when people paid attention to you, it was not a positive thing?)

I agree with Sannah...talk to T about this, let her know how you feel. You are definitely not alone.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((P7 and Spotted Owl))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your input, really really thank you.
It helps to know I am not alone.
I will give it another try, and maybe bring it up with her.

I agree that it is uncomfortable for me to have her full attention and that she is probably just trying to show she is interested.
Thinking more about it, I guess if she were NOT looking at me, that would likely be a problem too.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

((((((((((((((P7 and Spotted Owl))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your input, really really thank you.
It helps to know I am not alone.
I will give it another try, and maybe bring it up with her.

I agree that it is uncomfortable for me to have her full attention and that she is probably just trying to show she is interested.
Thinking more about it, I guess if she were NOT looking at me, that would likely be a problem too.

KTGIRL

I think your T is just new and going to a T can be very self-conscious feeling, especially if a new T relationship. I'm surprised you revealed to her your SI on the second visit, but KUDOS for being so... brave! That's probably the toughest part, to be open and honest and direct and stuff.

I would feel like I was under a microscope if I was with a new attentive T, especially if I shared something so personal and it was paid attention to like that. However, what I know now is that it would be the sign of a good T if they paid such close attention to a serious issue like SI right away.

I think your T sounds caring so far. Just take it at your own pace, and don't be afraid to tell your T if you feel uncomfortable sometimes, that way she can be more attuned to your needs (because EVERYONE is different).
It can FEEL like scrutiny when it's not if you get that kind of attention suddenly after revealing something so personal--- but it's not scrutiny, and you aren't being judged. I honestly think she just wants to help you and make sure your safe from the sounds of it.

Take care, and be good to yourself. You made an important step forward when you were so honest and open with your new T so quickly. It will probably not always be easy, but share with your T how you feel--don't just relay events. You deserve someone to care about you, and this T sounds like she's making sure you are looked out for.

[ECHOES]

Oh my goodness, for me trust took 9 months to begin and it comes and goes sometimes. That's about us and our feelings about trustworthiness.

I still sometimes don't like being looked at.
Tell her. lol That's what I say when being looked at makes it hard to think, I tell her I feel uncomfortable having her looking at me. There's a lot to talk about in that and when we do, I feel better

A good T doesn't necessarily believe it giving much acknowledgement to SI issues. Mine does not. Instead we talk about what was going on at the time, what I was feeling, what I was fearing, other ways that tension can be broken, and so on.

Then there are the times her looking at me feels absolutely wonderful and caring. I love having her attention and I could sit there forever...

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by Simcha

KTGIRL

I think your T sounds caring so far. Just take it at your own pace, and don't be afraid to tell your T if you feel uncomfortable sometimes, that way she can be more attuned to your needs (because EVERYONE is different).
It can FEEL like scrutiny when it's not if you get that kind of attention suddenly after revealing something so personal--- but it's not scrutiny, and you aren't being judged. I honestly think she just wants to help you and make sure your safe from the sounds of it.

Take care, and be good to yourself. You made an important step forward when you were so honest and open with your new T so quickly. It will probably not always be easy, but share with your T how you feel--don't just relay events. You deserve someone to care about you, and this T sounds like she's making sure you are looked out for.

TY Simcha -

I really needed to hear these things you wrote.

I never thought about it in the way that you put it - that she is supposed to care about me. I have thought about her more in terms of someone who is expecting me to say the right things....the difficult things.....so that I can get to the point of healing. So I put a lot of pressure on myself to disclose as much as I can even if I am uncomfortable with it, because I think that is what is expected of me......because I think by disclosing things that I will get to the point at which healing occurs.

She asked me how my symptoms were and so I told her about the SI.
I think you're right - that's why I felt so closely scrutinized and judged.
Maybe I disclosed too much too soon, before I was comfortable.

I suppose I'll get the hang of this......eventually.

[chaotic13]

Ktgirl,

I was incredibly uncomfortable in therapy. I simply could not handle the direct attention. Even though me T didn't stare at me, I felt like she was watch and analyzing me. I was definately hypersensative.

I agree with Mouse, once you get to know your T, things will get better. I still become uncomfortable, but I see the interaction as being more of a collaboration.

I say do your best to not SI, if you fall short of her goal, then she will likely work with you until you are successful.

(((((((((((((((((ktgirl))))))))))))))))))

Early in therapy, I HATED how T stared at me. I felt SO judged. I even told him about it - AND HE KEPT LOOKING AT ME. Ugh. It infuriated me.

I actually almost quit therapy over it, very early on. I can't even remember how we worked through it now. I think he explained to me that he was being present with me, and paying attention. And I think it felt uncomfortable to me because I am not USED to someone paying positive attention to me, and it felt threatening. I guess we talked about it...a LOT.

Now, believe it or not, I love that he pays such close attention to me. Honestly and truly. I know that he really does care about me, that he really is being present with me, that he is 100% THERE for me and 100% WITH me while I am in that room. It means a lot to me.

I didn't look at him for months and months and months. I would peek while he was talking (because he would tend to not be watching me so intensely when he was talking) but I NEVER looked at him while I was talking. I look at him a lot more now. I trust him so much. But it took MANY MONTHS to get to that point.

I know how good it would feel to skip over this hard part of building trust....but it really is part of the process, and it really takes time. Don't give up. Talk about how it makes you feel. I know that my biggest growth in therapy has come not from talking about past traumas (although that has been huge too), but from talking about how I am feeling right in that moment, in that room, with him.

You are working so hard. Be gentle with you. Breathe. This won't feel better right away....but you are moving in the right direction, and that is a big thing in itself.

Love and hugs to you!!!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

she made me promise to give me SI tool to my husband or to her. She said this is the lowest level of care and I have to be stable to continue seeing her. Was this a threat? Was she saying if I continue to SI she won't let me come see her anymore?

I think this is a really important discussion to have. If you don't get reassurance that you can still see her if you SI, then you may begin withholding the truth from her because you think she will "drop" you. I also wonder about her "stable" comment. So the people who are the least stable aren't given care and the people who are the most stable get care from her? Wow, I feel bad for all the people who aren't stable--who will help them?

I agree with Simcha, you were very brave to reveal your SI to her so soon. It shows your dedication to healing, and I bet she is very excited at that, at the prospect of someone who really wants to work at getting better.

Her request that you give your SI tool to her made me feel apprehensive (not for you but due to my own stuff). I used to SI many years ago and my tool was a special thing to me. I would not give it to someone I had only just met and didn't know or trust. Plus, even if I didn't use it, it's existence and proximity could be reassuring to me, and this would be lost if I gave it to someone. I don't know--it seems a presumptuous request from someone who doesn't even know you. Plus, she is focused on an object--the tool--rather than the reasons behind your wanting to use it. So what if you give her a tool--you could find something else to use, so what would that solve? I think I'm a bit like ECHOES. For me, the work on SI wouldn't focus on the SI behavior itself or the tools, but on the reasons for the SI. If you can solve those problems, then the SI behavior will extinguish.

I hope you stick with this T for a while and give her a try. I think her attentiveness may be disconcerting at first, but it shows she is interested and that you have her full attention. These are not bad things!

Good luck.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((echoes)))))))))))))
I kind of agree with you about dealing with the SI issues, but my last T (who ended up betraying me) completely ignored the SI - the act AND the issues, and that made me feel like he totally didn't care. So I'm kind of glad she addressed it, but at the same time it made me uneasy.
I hope I can get to the point at which her attention feels 'wonderful and caring' - just like your experience.

(((((((((((((((((chaotic))))))))))))))))))
I like how you describe working with your T a 'collaboration'. I totally don't get that sense yet but hope it will come with time. I feel hopeful knowing that it has been your experience.

((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))
Thank you SO MUCH for your encouragement. I did the peeking thing too, because I couldn't stand to look at her for long periods. I just wanted to hide!!!! It will be really scary to talk to her about being uncomfortable, but I am encouraged to do it because of how you explained it is 'part of the process'. I get thes sense she would be open to it. Last session she 'guessed' about how I was feeling and then she said I should feel free to tell her if she was wrong because that's how she would get to know me better.

((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))
I think she meant people who aren't 'stable' need a higher level of care such as IOP, Partial or even inpatient. I just came from 2 1/2 months of inpatient and partial hospitalization, so I think she is really trying to encourage positive coping skills and 'self-care'. I am terrified to go back in the hospital, so this is a good motivation for me to fight the urges.
About the SI tool - she said I could either give it to her or my husband. I really didn't want to give it up - like you said it is 'comforting' just to know it is there and available. But I decided to just pack it in a box and put it in the attic. Then my husband found it anyway and took it. Mt T did acknowledge that if I want to SI I will find a way, but I have to admit it does help me fight urges to not have the tool in my nightstand.
We haven't really started focusing on the issues that lead to SI, but maybe we just haven't had time yet.....
Thank you for your feedback, Sunrise, and for encouraging me to stick with it. I really appreciate all you said.