can I should I

ohhh folks

was reading "Falling Backwards" about trust (in self, in others) and a memory came up that I could never tell T in person

I thought if i put it into a letter I could send it to her

so I wrote it up and spiiiiiiiiiiiralllllllllllllllinggggggggggg..........
so completely
do I dare send it? what if I don't send it.
What if I do?? what if she terminates me?? this is a part of me that I will never accept - how could I - and don't want anyone ever to know existed. and yet... it's T we're talking about, not the evening news.

how do you people get the GUTS to do what you do all the time? I read what you write here and I don't think I can.

Sitting,
I'm sorry you are so scared about talking to your T about the memory that surfaced. It is scary.
I am having the same issus at this time. I decided that I am going to try and just let out the flashback that popped in my head during our last session. I am scared to death to do it. I can't even tell you why, part may be all the emotions it brings up, part her reaction, and part the whole issue of trust. Do I really trust her enough to share it?

I see her tomorrow and I am really really going to try. I keep saying its going to be fine, whats the worst that can happen ect....but its a whole whirlwind in my mind. I must be the most difficult client for her.

I hear all the stories of others with great relationships with thier T's and wonder whats wrong with me, why can't I trust like that. Maybe they just have exceptional T's, who knows. I hope to get there one day, but I guess it's best not to compare because we are all so different and that effects the dynamics of the relationship.

I understand your hesitation, maybe you can write it and hand it to her.
Hang in there
Hangingon

thank you dear Hangingon.
I will go with you tomorrow, if you like
(no worries,
from cyberspace my hearing is very poor, you're safe with me )

hugs

I told my T about a memory..... flashback memory..... dunno - dunno if its even real - was very scared to tell - but it was chasing around in my head over and over - so I told her - waited for her to either laugh or call the funny farm to take me away - she didnt do either -

because I was/am in total denial that this is actually a memory coming through - she said it doesnt matter if ts real or not the emotions that came with it ARE real so we will deal with that - that meant that i didnt have to struggle with is it real or not - and that was great

its really hard for me to share with T even though I trust her - and I do trust her - years of conditioning are hard to overcome.

Sittingatwatersedge and hangingon - I hope it helps to realise there are at least 3 of us! and i would imagine a lot more - that have problems with this - I hope things go well with your T's

((((((((((((((((((sittingatwatersedge))))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe....if it is too difficult to tell the memory.....you could tell her your fears about telling her the memory and how you think she could react....

I don't think you should tell until you feel ready, but talking to her about how it scares you might help. It is OK to take it slow.....

Aw thanks sitting,
It would be nice to not have to go alone. I wish you well on what you bring up to your T. I can go with you in spirit as well if you would like!

Phoenix,
Thank you, I know your right, there are plenty of us who feel this way, it would be nice to at least be able to be open about these issues. I know in my mind my T is not out to harm me, guess when I talk about it, it takes me back to when I was younger and things were way to scary there.

Ktgirl, Its a good idea to talk about the feelings that come up with the memories. I wrote my T an email this past week explaining some of the things that happen to me when I am talking about rough issues. I still can't tell her in person about those emotions yet.

I will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.

Hangingon

SittingAtWatersEdge and HangingOn: Just try to trust yourselves and trust the process. If the memories are coming up and you are writing them down, and even entertaining the thought of telling T, then that means unconsciously you are getting very close and wanting to tell T. I think that you will tell T your secrets when you feel ready. You will know when you are ready. If you are afraid that T will leave you or reject you if you tell, then share this with her. This is a big part of the therapy in itself-- working out the fear that our therapists aren't like others we have dealt with in our pasts-- we can reveal even our darkest parts and still have them stick around.

((((((((((((((((((((((((sitting)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your T is not going to send you away for telling. I have asked T before if there is ANYTHING I could tell him that wouldn't be okay, or that would make him send me away, and he really thought about it and said that anything I bring to therapy is absolutely fine. He has proven he will accept me how I am.

Ts are not there to judge us, they are there to accept us and help us learn to accept ourselves. A few months into therapy I told T about something I had done that I have always been SO ashamed of...something that had eaten at me for years...and he was completely accepting, helped me understand the "why" of it...and it was like this moment of instant healing. Just that acceptance and understanding from him allowed me to finally forgive myself.

There are still things that I can't talk to T about, but I am getting closer. It's hard and scary....but one day, you realize the time is right and you just open your mouth and say it. Honestly, the fear of hearing myself say things has always been so much worse than the actual experience of telling. Even knowing that, it doesn't make it easier when something new comes up (which is where I'm at right now, ugh!)

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to both of you, hanging on and sitting

Thank you for sharing Pink and Earthmama

I think I will to try and talk about feelings associated with sharing first. Some of my fears about talking about the abuse with her.

I go tomorrow, I really hope I can bring this up to her.
Hangingon

I agree with pinksoil. I have really struggled sharing some of my dark parts. I recently shared some REALLY dark parts, and my T has not wavered even a little. At the moment I am REALLY scared of what I might be unleasing and I basically told my T...she should be afraid too. I observed her closely this week, I detected no fear or slightest withdraw in her. This has been huge.

Now of course I am fighting the urge to do a fulltilt purge. Not because I'm afraid that she can't handle it: but because I don't know if it the right thing for ME to do.

SAWE, I don't know if you should send it, talk about it, make a phone call, or sit on it. However, whatever you do with it your T will likely handle it and help you move forward.

I have spent months thinking that i would never be able to talk about certain things, thinking ok, if i bring this up, that's gonna be it, therapy over....it never has happened though. I still feel the same dread but what i am beginning to realise now is that i'm using up energy in holding back and trying to contain the fear when really i could use that energy to try to open up and move forward with my healing. I also try to look at it from the point of view that i hope my t will see me for the person i am now, not who i was or did back then, and that my t will accept what i have to say in an effort to help leave the bad stuff behind and have a more productive future.
It is really hard i know it is but once it's out there and it's been accepted, the feelings of relief are huge
I'm not sure if i've worded what i wanted to say very well, i struggle with that alot but I do hope that things go well for anyone who is struggling with this right now

queenie

someone mentioned I should write it (I already had, that's what started the spiral) and hand it to her.
What? Me hand it over to her and sit there while she reads it?! I don't even want to be in the same county when she reads it. I want her to read it WEEKS before I see her again.

ktg, thanks (thanks to all really - I mean REALLY )
today I am playing phone tag with T, to see if I can just talk to her a little bit about sending it. I have tried to just drop it in the mailbox, and I cannot.

Brother, I know this is going to be such a mature conversation.
if I send it, you promise you won't leave me?
Promise???
Cross your heart???

i hope you let us know how it goes with your T.

This is the perfect way to talk to her about it....and it is not immature.
It is explaining your fears and asking for her reassurance ......which is a completely rational and reasonable thing to do.

Sitting,

I have found that when I am ready the things I need to tell T just seem to come out. And when the really ugly stuff shows up T never ever even flinched a teeny bit. When you are ready, you will discuss this with T and she will be able to handle it!

(((((sitting)))))

Calling her to discuss sending it sound more mature and avoiding than what I did for my big disclosure. I typed it out printed a signal copy then deleted the file. I put the copy in an envelop inside another envelop and took a trip to the post office mailbox at 2 am and dropped it in. No chance to get it back. Your approach seems a lot more mature indeed.

dear C13,
If I gave the impression that I'm calling T today to discuss what I wrote down, sorry, no way. I will be asking her to help me put it in the mail, that's all. I tried to do what you did (just drop it in the mail) and haven't been able to do that. sigh
ps I put it in an envelope without a return address... lest it should come back to my house or my workplace

I talked to her, she promised she wouldn't leave me. I'll send it

thanks to all of you

Aw sitting, bet it felt so good to hear that. My T mentioned that what I say is not going to make her not want to leave me as well.
I try really hard to believe that
I am so glad you were able to get that response from your T and where able to send the letter.

hangingon

Good for you!
You are very brave.....

WOW! well done! whens your next T appt?