So, this morning I was kind of missing T, and since the weekend is coming up (and I DO try to give the man the weekend off LOL) I wanted just a little bit of connection with him. I only felt anxious about it for a minute and then I just picked up the phone and left him a message and told him I just needed a little something to connect - he could leave a message about how boring his training was (he's in a training) or WHATEVER - just something.

So, he left me a message on his way home from training...part of what he said is:

"I'm glad you could reach out and say what you needed, and it sounds like it was to connect...(blah blah blah)....It's certainly okay to reach out, particularly when you know what you need....(blah blah blah)"

It was a cheerful, friendly message, and it really was just to connect and that was okay.

I thought about how so many of us on the board don't know if it's okay to reach out, to ask for a call....how we think we're being "good" if we don't call and "bad" if we ask for help...and T's message just reinforced that it is OKAY to ask for things. He wasn't angry, or irritated...if anything, he was proud that I had asked for what I needed without it being a huge deal.

I wasn't in crisis, or even upset. Just missing T and needing a little bit of connection.

SO! For all of us that fret over these things (me included!) I just wanted to post this as a little bit of hope and reassurance

[ECHOES]

Thank you earthmama!! It is encouraging! I have been wanting to connect all day but I can't let myself. Maybe tomorrow...
I thnk I have called always in crisis and so now I don't know how to call not in crisis. And I suppose that also makes me feel like I would just be a pest.

I'm glad you connected and you are so kind to share this with us!!

[Luce]

EarthMama, I think you are incredibly fortunate to have a T who allows this contact and reconnection inbetween appointments. I do love reading about your experiences with your T, as they seem so healing and so responsive to your individual needs.

However, I think most T's don't allow that kind of contact between appointments. I guess I am just concerned that some people might use your experiences as the 'standard' and then feel they are somehow faulty or unworthy if their own experiences with their Ts don't match up the same.

Whatever a T's philosophy and rules about touching, emailing and phone calls are, it is never a reflection of an individual client's worth or deservingness (is that a word??!)... it is simply the way that particular T does therapy. For some on the board, reaching out between appointments, especially on a regular basis, isn't okay with their T. Some T's don't want it, don't encourage it, and don't respond favorably when it happens.

Sigh. Sad, but true.

[Capp]

It's so grand that your T is all right with you doing this--Way to Go as far as making the call.

Thanks for sharing, EM.

Cap

[MissCharlotte]

I'm glad you got what you needed!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I thought about how so many of us on the board don't know if it's okay to reach out, to ask for a call.... I wasn't in crisis, or even upset. Just missing T and needing a little bit of connection.

EM, it sounds like you are learning such a valuable thing--how to reach out. Do you find that transferring over to non-therapy relationships too?

I think it is different for all of us and our therapies. My T said at one of our very first meetings that he has very firm boundaries. Part of that is that he doesn't do calls with clients. Therapy is confined to the session. Especially on his weekends (which are 3 days)--he does not check his voicemail or email. He doesn't look at that stuff during his personal time. That is his boundary and I respect it. But during session, I am encouraged to ask for what I need. He often asks me, "what are you needing today?" and that is my chance to reach out and tell him what I need.

For all of us that fret over these things (me included!) I just wanted to post this as a little bit of hope and reassurance

I think it is because of my T's firm boundary that I would fret. If I did need to call him and he didn't call back, I would think it was because I had crossed his boundary, and I would feel bad about that, because I do respect him and wouldn't want him to think otherwise. If he didn't have this boundary and allowed lots of client contact outside of sessions, I don't think I would fret nearly so much. So in a way, for me, it is the boundary that creates the fretting. My solution is to stick to the boundaries and then I needn't fret.

[deliquesce]

good for you, EM!!! it's great that your T allows that sort of contact between sessions.

and an insightful post, Luce, as always . i think one positive to take out of my old-T's firm boundaries is that it encouraged me to look for 'connectedness' elsewhere, and ultimately that's very important, because the T relationship is (hopefully!) only temporary.

Good points, Luce and everyone

You're right...some T's don't allow contact between sessions, and obviously this scenario wouldn't work there.... I'm sorry I didn't think of that and say that.

I do have a LOT of support outside of therapy, and I have been able to transfer some of this "admitting I have needs" to those relationships too. I've always been know as THE "go to" person when someone else needs to be taken care of, so it has been a gradual but very real shift. I'm glad I learned that in therapy, because it makes my other relationships feel more "real" - before, I figured people were just hanging out with me because I was so happy and cheerful and willing to help out.

I feel kind of guilty for my post now....it seemed like there was a lot of anxiety floating around about "should I call my T", and I guess I wanted PEOPLE WHO HAVE T'S THAT ALLOW IT to know that yeah, it's really okay.

Sorry if I made anyone feel bad. AGAIN.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I thought about how so many of us on the board don't know if it's okay to reach out, to ask for a call....how we think we're being "good" if we don't call and "bad" if we ask for help...

I think this the most important thing from your post....whether we are reaching out to our T (within the boundaries set by the T), or even a friend or family member.

I don't think you have to feel 'guilty' for encouraging us to reach out when we need help.

It is good to have such encouragement, and to be reminded that reaching out is a positive thing, and not a sign of weakness or selfishness......we all deserve support and caring.


I'm glad your T is there for you, and you are able to reach out and get what you need from him.

[chaotic13]

I emailed my T a lot last week when I was, as Miss C so accurately described,flooding. My T has not set strict boundaries with me even though I had repeatedly asked for them. For a long time I fretted over when to email and when not to. I'm getting a little better at not fretting too long. At this point I figure if I am crossing a boundary, she has a responsibility to tell me. She is not like others in my life who don't have the ability to tell people when they are asking too much of them. I've repeatedly asked her to indentify the boundaries so I can play by her rules. Instead much to my discomfort, she seems to have let me set them. Now its her responsibility to say when enough is enough.

I've always been know as THE "go to" person when someone else needs to be taken care of, so it has been a gradual but very real shift. I'm glad I learned that in therapy, because it makes my other relationships feel more "real" - before, I figured people were just hanging out with me because I was so happy and cheerful and willing to help out.

EM, I'm really glad that you've gotten to practice this in therapy, too. From how you post, I think it's obvious that you are very skilled in supporting others, and I think it's great that your T is helping you learn how to ask for and get similar support for your own needs. You deserve it too!

I recognize that I'm very lucky that my T allows email, and I try not to go overboard with it. We don't do lots of other things mentioned here (physical touch, phone conversations, multiple sessions per week, staying past the 50 minutes, etc.), but the email really helps me (and I like to think it's not too much of a burden for her, since she can check it when it's convenient for her). I think I was in therapy for about 6 months before we started emailing between sessions -- she suggested it and as soon as she did I knew it would help.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I thnk I have called always in crisis and so now I don't know how to call not in crisis. And I suppose that also makes me feel like I would just be a pest.

That is an interesting point, Echoes. Just in general (not about you specifically ) I'm wondering if T's think about this. Like, if they are only available for reassurance during crisis, aren't they sort of conditioning their clients to have crises to get that connection? Whereas, if they allow some means of re-connection outside of crisis situations, maybe that would help the client ask for what they need in a more controlled, less crisis oriented way?

For example, in my therapy, I kept getting frustrated with my T's lack of expressiveness. It would build up, eventually I'd get upset, and then she would finally say something reassuring, and I'd feel better. But this would keep happening. So the last time, I asked her pretty directly, why do you make me have a meltdown before you'll say something reassuring? And so the resolution is that now we have some code words, and when I say them, she knows what I need and can respond. So far it's working pretty well...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I feel kind of guilty for my post now.... Sorry if I made anyone feel bad. AGAIN.

EM, you are so very sensitive about others' feelings and needs. It seemed like the posts from people who can't call their therapists were just a sharing of experiences, not about feeling bad about that. I really like hearing the diversity of people's therapy experiences. EM, I like that you can reach out to your therapist and get reassurance, but it doesn't make me feel bad that I don't do that with mine. Not at all!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by notme9

in my therapy, I kept getting frustrated with my T's lack of expressiveness. It would build up, eventually I'd get upset, and then she would finally say something reassuring, and I'd feel better. But this would keep happening. So the last time, I asked her pretty directly, why do you make me have a meltdown before you'll say something reassuring? And so the resolution is that now we have some code words, and when I say them, she knows what I need and can respond. So far it's working pretty well...

That is such a great solution! It's similar to the parental wisdom when my kids were young,the behaviorist approach to child rearing--you shouldn't reward their tantrums with attention, but should reward their calm efforts to talk and reason. (Please don't think I am equating getting upset in therapy to a tantrum. It just struck me that the reward cycle you brought up, notme9, was kind of similar.) What did your therapist say when you told her how you only get reassurance when you have a meltdown? Had she realized that she was reinforcing your meltdowns?

Originally Posted by sunrise

What did your therapist say when you told her how you only get reassurance when you have a meltdown? Had she realized that she was reinforcing your meltdowns?

She acted surprised to hear I was having a meltdown and wanted to know where I had told her that. So, no, I don't think she recognized that fact.

She first suggested this plan as a way to tell her that I was having a meltdown, so she could respond to that. I modified the words a little bit, so it's more saying, I have this need, that hopefully she'll be able to hear and respond to before I get to the meltdown stage. So far it's going well, but we'll see...

[ECHOES]

Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
I thnk I have called always in crisis and so now I don't know how to call not in crisis. And I suppose that also makes me feel like I would just be a pest.

That is an interesting point, Echoes. Just in general (not about you specifically ) I'm wondering if T's think about this.

My T tells me I can call about anything. I have tried to get out of her what other patients call about but she just tells me 'anything'. So I know I'm free to call anytime, it's that I don't allow myself to call, I don't allow myself to acknowledge the need unless it's intense and I'm in a meltdown. It's the old "what do you need ME for" unsupportive upbringing that makes me think I can't need someone unless it's the end of the world.

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((earthmama))))))))

First, thank you for your original post- because I do think it is reassuring for those of us who are worried that we are going to be shamed by our T's for reaching out to read the experiences of those who have tried this and had a good outcome.

Originally Posted by earthmama

Good points, Luce and everyone

You're right...some T's don't allow contact between sessions, and obviously this scenario wouldn't work there.... I'm sorry I didn't think of that and say that.

I feel kind of guilty for my post now....it seemed like there was a lot of anxiety floating around about "should I call my T", and I guess I wanted PEOPLE WHO HAVE T'S THAT ALLOW IT to know that yeah, it's really okay.

Sorry if I made anyone feel bad. AGAIN.

Second- You do not owe anyone an apology. Your unique experience in T is your unique experience in T. Nothing more and nothing less. Your T sounds pretty darn fantastic and a great fit for you. That is what I see in your posts. And on that note my T is a great fit for me and what I need...And it seems to me that most people here have a good fit with their T's and get what they need whatever it is that need may be.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I emailed my T a lot last week when I was, as Miss C so accurately described,flooding. My T has not set strict boundaries with me even though I had repeatedly asked for them. For a long time I fretted over when to email and when not to. I'm getting a little better at not fretting too long. At this point I figure if I am crossing a boundary, she has a responsibility to tell me. She is not like others in my life who don't have the ability to tell people when they are asking too much of them. I've repeatedly asked her to indentify the boundaries so I can play by her rules. Instead much to my discomfort, she seems to have let me set them. Now its her responsibility to say when enough is enough.

My T is much like Chaotic's where I have set the boundaries for things. I have set a lot of boundaries within the room. And I have set the "contact" boundaries too. So far, I have called mostly to reach out when I have been in complete freakout. I have called when I wanted to quit couples therapy, when I could not deal with my parents, when I have been in such an emotional state that I probably needed a session and didn't want to come in, when I did not want her and the reiki person to chat about me (this did come up!), and more recently when put my resignation in at my job, and this week just to check in. Most of these could be catagorized as crisis-ish but a couple were not.

In the last 4 months I have needed more support in a therapeutic way and that need has been met in the way of my T allowing for additional sessions. She also has let me cancel and reschedule a bazillion times (especially in my ambivellant phase) and has never charged me for this.

She is kind and fair and resonable and a good fit. Just as your T is for you.

earthmama

[lifelesstraveled]

EM, thanks. This is so encouraging, but I dont think it will be something I will be able to do for a very long time. Even if T gave me her private number/email and told me it was okay to contact her if i needed to, i probably wouldnt...actually i know I wouldnt.

But you do give me hope that it can/will happen.

[chaotic13]

LLT,
I felt this way too. I still,can't think of any situation that would be bad enough to risk calling my T. I'm not sure if it is a good think or not but, email seems less threatening.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

LLT,
I felt this way too. I still,can't think of any situation that would be bad enough to risk calling my T. I'm not sure if it is a good think or not but, email seems less threatening.

Weirdly, I don't have a problem (anymore) calling T, leaving a message and asking for a message (his number goes straight to voice mail)....but asking for a call (like where I would pick up the phone and we would talk) is a huge, giant deal and I RARELY do it. I hate talking to him on the phone. The times I have asked for a call, it's actually been helpful - but it still makes me uncomfortable and like I'm taking up way too much of his time.

[chaotic13]

EM reading this gave me a chill. I've only spoken to my T on the phone once in all this time.It was after my second or third session. OMG, thinking about how difficult I was for me in the beginning. I had had it with therapy, and I contacted the office and requested a copy of records. My T called me and spoke with me via phone. OMG very difficult 3 mins.No, No way would I want to seek support that way.Email works just fine for me.