I think I know why I want to retreat from T

I think I just need her to keep her big boundaries like she promised she would do. I have hurt by my other T's with their relaxed boundaries, unethical boundaries with one.

A few weeks ago she had to leave out of town for a funeral and had to cancel appointments. Well she sent the same letter to everyone, only changed the names of who it was going to. Well in this letter she told me where her home town was and she had a grandma that died. Then also the week she came back she said something about her working for a dog shelter when I mentioned my puppy.

Well It is just too much info for me. In the old days of therapy, my other T's disclosed too much, and it hurt me. She told me she wouldn't tell me about her, and she did. I told her about it and I read her response as that T's do make mistakes. Plus her supervisor said something about her letter cancellation being grist for the mill if some clients have a problem with the info. I know she was hurting when her grandma died, and just needed to cancel without much hassle, but she disclosed too much info for me, and she told me she wouldn't do that. And that grist for the mill statement I hate. It is like she is going to do what she wants, and if problems arise because of it, than i just have to work it out. Well I have had enough grist for mill to grind in my life, I don't need it from my T too. I told her this in my email.

This makes me scared that she will hurt me or continue disclosing stuff that takes the focus off from me and my issues in the session.

I know it is my issue, but after my trust has been abused (she knows this) I just wish she would be more careful with me. She told me she would. I just want to hold her to that so I can trust her that she won't hurt me.

((((((((((((((((((((flower)))))))))))))))))))))))))

It sound like you were able to communicate your insights, and that is an excellent starting point.

I completely understand what you mean about not wanting to know anything about your T. I don't want to know anything about my T, except I haven't been able to tell her that I feel that way because I don't want to seem 'rude' or uncaring.
SO I admire your ability to be so honest about your needs.

I hope you are able to talk to T about this in person, and allow her the opportunity to make better decisions. From what I've read here, a lot of therapeutic growth can occur from these issues or 'ruptures'.

It is really scary to trust when we've been hurt before........

I want to encourage you to trust your instincts to know whether you should give this T another chance or try to find someone else.
take care.....

((((((((((((((((flower)))))))))))))))))))))

I was SA by a counselor and it started with him telling me WAY TOO MANY DETAILS about his life. It was like we were providing counseling for each other. Not good!

So, when I started therapy, I made it REALLY CLEAR that I didn't want this T to tell me the details of his life. Like, NOTHING AT ALL. He respected that boundary, and would even remind me of it if I asked him a question about his life.

After 16 months, T does share a lot more of his life with me, and now it feels comfortable and good. Nothing at all about his wife or anything like that, things like "I love to be on the water" or "I used to box in college" - always things that are pertinent to what we are talking about. I ask him to tell me stories now to get me grounded in reality, and I want something really mundane...so he'll tell me "right before you came, I was sending an e-mail to the people leading my training because they raised the price on me" or things like that. NOW it feels good, and grounding. Earlier in therapy, I definitely would have freaked out.

This is probably a really good topic to discuss with your T, if you decide to keep going. Ruptures have lead to my biggest leaps growth-wise in therapy.

(((EF))) you have given this much good thought. now that you've explained a little more i can totally understand why you feel she is crossing boundaries she assured you she would be sensitive with, with you. if it were me, mind u, i'd bring it up in my next session if you are comfortable doing so. i'd write down the points i don't want to miss...like the email, tmi. this should not be so difficult for her. i would hold her to her agreement, no excuses, and ask her what you can expect from her henceforth. then you write out a contract of what you all agree on and have her sign it. if you don't like her answer, then walk.
there are lots of good therapists out there that would get your needs met in a new york minute. i'm so sorry you have had some trust issues with t's . there are bozos out there that charge clients good money. that is unfortunate that you've run into a few of them in your quest to help yourself. hold your head high and assert your rights.

Thanks ktgirl,

It is interesting that I do have trust issues anyway, and I have come a long way with that with regular people. I even have some friends and a cool neighbor who is like a friend ( I am the old lady, lol) But now I see I really do have trust issues with T's because of what happened to me.
I did email her and told her I decided to see her tomorrow. It is spring break for me and I scheduled extra session this week and next so she could help me on my statement to the APA licensing board concerning my 1st T and a speech I am doing on prevention of child abuse. And now we have "this" issue too.

But I am sure we can work it out, but I think this has set my trust back some though. But I will tell her again that I want NO disclosure and If she wants to be my T, she will have to go by MY boundaries too.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement ktgirl! ;-)

Thanks Earthmama for your story, you sure understand where I am coming from. I am going to see her tomorrow and I will set my boundaries again with her. Back when I was with my unethical T, it felt good all the disclosures, it made me feel special, but now in hindsight, I see how it hurt me badly. So is she wants to work with me I need her to be extra careful with me. I think it will work out. Thanks again "motherearth" ;-)

Thanks madisgram,

I am glad you understand, it seems like such a little thing, almost like I am being very picky, but I think it is really important for me to learn to trust her to do the work I know we need to do. I guess I am just being extra careful and I think that is good. Tomorrow is going to be a big day, I hope it goes well.

EF, so you're not going to take a break from therapy after all? I am glad you figured out what was bothering you, and hopefully your T will be able to agree to your boundary so you can continue therapy.

Hi sunrise,

Well I think I will probably sometime this summer for a month or two. But I think part of my stuff is hormonal, I am completely off my AD med since last week so PMS has a way of showing it's ugliness sometimes. I forgot that part. lol But so far I am so happy not to be depressed anymore, after more than 2 years and going down deep, it is such a relief to feel like myself. Those drugs may help with depression, but I don't think they make you feel much like yourself sometimes. I see my T this afternoon, yikes!

Wow, I am so impressed with your courage!

Makes me wish I had the courage to say the things I want to say to my T......

Ria

(((Ria))) I haven't always had courage, but sometimes well you just have to stand up for yourself.

I am still feeling disconnected from her today after our session. I don't think she liked me telling her how to do therapy. I think she understands, but then I think she is missing some of the point. Today her electric was out and she was running just a little behind, and she wondered if that was telling me too much info. I am fine with that kind of info, it is the info about your personal self. I said I might relax some later about this, but after being abused professionally by a T, I would just prefer no disclosure. What is it with T's who want to talk about themselves???
I told her that I know we can't be friends, but I don't want to want to be friends with her if I find out we have a lot in common.
I am thinking of looking for another T, I just don't feel good about today, there is something really bothering me about this.

You give me hope that someday....just someday.....

And about your T, perhaps you should talk to her about how you are considering finding a new T and see where that conversation takes you....

Isn't it great? It is like the comparison between when you were depressed and how you are now is so much greater than if you had never been depressed and were just always fine. It makes you appreciate feeling not depressed so much more. That's wonderful you have found health again and are off the drugs. Hope your visit with T went well.