I fired my T. I told my T that I am not okay. Well then she thinks because I am doing a speech about child abuse, I am in my final stages of healing from my child abuse. Then she tells me to think about whether I don't want to be well because I want to be a victim. WTF? I have pretended my whole life that I was okay, I am good at appearing okay, but I haven't healed, not even close. Maybe it was what made me resilent as a child, and now that strength is making me look like I am okay or something.

Reminds me of my cog. neuro testing I am undergoing. I have a higher IQ and high level of abstract thinking, but I might have ADD or a learning disorder that was never caught in school because I didn't fail or anything. I am getting my results next week for that. I am having a lot of problems with my working memory and went from A's to C's in my classes.

So yeah, I am doing some productive things that maybe is a lot for some, but it doesn't mean I am okay. I am still hurting and trying to heal from what happened to me. I haven't even got to the trauma processing yet. I am mostly okay until I am triggered with my PTSD. Then I am really become disfunctional.

How can I process my trauma with my T who thinks I am being a victim drama queen? I was just beginning to be able to trust her with my feelings, and she pulls this. I don't need therapy games. I am not going to pretend to be more messed up more than I am to get help. I just don't think this is a hurdle in the therapy relationship I can get over. My trust in sharing my deepest feelings are gone. I don't feel like starting over either, with her or anyone else. It reminds me of what people say sometimes to people who have had an abusive childhood, just get over it . I am so disapointed in her, and after 5 months of therapy with her, I just don't see how I can work with her anymore. Plus she is a trauma specialist too, so I am really hurt by that comment.

I am thinking of just forgetting therapy all together, it seems to have messed me up more than ever.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

I fired my T. I told my T that I am not okay. Well then she thinks because I am doing a speech about child abuse, I am in my final stages of healing from my child abuse. Then she tells me to think about whether I don't want to be well because I want to be a victim. WTF? I have pretended my whole life that I was okay, I am good at appearing okay, but I haven't healed, not even close. Maybe it was what made me resilent as a child, and now that strength is making me look like I am okay or something.

Reminds me of my cog. neuro testing I am undergoing. I have a higher IQ and high level of abstract thinking, but I might have ADD or a learning disorder that was never caught in school because I didn't fail or anything. I am getting my results next week for that. I am having a lot of problems with my working memory and went from A's to C's in my classes.

So yeah, I am doing some productive things that maybe is a lot for some, but it doesn't mean I am okay. I am still hurting and trying to heal from what happened to me. I haven't even got to the trauma processing yet. I am mostly okay until I am triggered with my PTSD. Then I am really become disfunctional.

How can I process my trauma with my T who thinks I am being a victim drama queen? I was just beginning to be able to trust her with my feelings, and she pulls this. I don't need therapy games. I am not going to pretend to be more messed up more than I am to get help. I just don't think this is a hurdle in the therapy relationship I can get over. My trust in sharing my deepest feelings are gone. I don't feel like starting over either, with her or anyone else. It reminds me of what people say sometimes to people who have had an abusive childhood, just get over it . I am so disapointed in her, and after 5 months of therapy with her, I just don't see how I can work with her anymore. Plus she is a trauma specialist too, so I am really hurt by that comment.

I am thinking of just forgetting therapy all together, it seems to have messed me up more than ever.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I am wondering if your T had a reason for saying what she said, and that your reaction would be telling. I would certainly bring all of this up to her...and ultimately, if she just doesn't fit what you need in a T, then it would be time to find a new one.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult and painful time! Unfortunately, sometimes therapists say stupid things even when they are really good therapists. I hope you can talk to her and tell her what you said here. In my experience, when I get upset at something my T says, it often can be because I take a totally different meaning out of his words than he intends.

It's good that you are getting tested. PTSD can cause memory issues and attentional problems so I'm glad you're getting this sorted out. Once you know the root of the problem, you can work on implementing various strategies that can help you. Let us know how the testing turns out (if you want to). I'm a special education teacher so I know what you are going through.

Things WILL get better for you, Exotic! Hang in there and keep us posted. TC

[Rapunzel]

Would you consider asking T what she meant, or wanted you to get out of her comments? Part of the purpose of therapy is to help you to see why you are where you are in life. Everything we do has some function for us. The victim role does have payoffs, and that can be important to be aware of. It doesn't make you a drama queen, it's just basic principles of human behavior.

[phoenix7]

I am sorry you are upset - being called a victim sparks anger in me too

Maybe as has been said - you can ask your T what she meant? can you also look at your reaction? when I react to something I try to look at where my anger is comng from... they say anger is a signal that there is pain underneath waiting to be healed - I dont think you t was saying you are not trying to heal or that you should be healed by now - if she doesnt have an answer that sits well with you then maybe its time to move on - ask first though - somtimes out of ruptures comes progress

((((((((((((((((((((((exoticflower)))))))))))))))))))))))

t said something to me once EARLY in processing my rape....something like "what benefit do you get from holding on to this?" ?!?!?! I was soooo shocked and upset- we had barely scratched the surface of what happened.

I let him know (either in phone calls or at my next appt - I can't remember) how hurt and angry I was. I told him I had been holding on to that pain for YEARS and that I was JUST starting to get to the point where I was in a situation (therapy) where I could face it and let it go. I told him I didn't even feel like he was talking to ME, like he was just pulling out some "therapist response" that didn't make any sense in that moment.

He admitted that he was distracted that day, and that he was being a bad therapist. It took a lot of talking, but we got past it. And really, he is the most patient and understanding therapist in the world....he just had an "off" day and admitted it and we were able to move past it.

I do hope that if we reach a point where I am hanging onto things for some reason that he will tell me. But I WANT really badly to heal and feel better...like I did with the rape...and I can't imagine holding on to things when I could finally move past them and let them go. You never know, though.

I hope you will go back and talk to her about this. Therapists have bad days and say stupid things sometimes. I'm glad I didn't give up on my T...

((((((((((((((((((((exoticflower)))))))))))))))))))))) lots of to you!

[pegasus]

((((((( exoticflower )))))))

Sometimes a T will say something that will trigger a reaction, sometimes on purpose. I personally think that your T was probably just pointing out how wonderful it is that you can now stand up in front of a load of people and talk about child abuse. That is a huge and massive achievement for someone that has been through so much. Maybe T was complimenting you, the healing road is a long one and your T will know that. It really would be good for you to discuss and clarify this with your T before deciding that you've had enough of therapy.

[MINIME]

Man that would hurt and she better start explaining. The words she used probably dont have the same emotional stuff for her as they do for u what may have been a simple clarification for her is huge for us.

[Xtree]

I am sorry you are hurting, that is an awful thing to say. I think it is important for you to talk about it with her before you make any decisions about quitting. Maybe you misunderstood and she can explain. Never make any harsh decisions while you are upset wait and decide when you feel better.

I understand how this feels, I have been told the same thing in the past. The way it was explained to me was that people who have been abused and/or traumatized feel like victims. All they know is how to be and feel like a victim, it is normal for them. Anything else does not feel right. The trick is to understand what that feels like, know it is happening and try to move away from it. Only then can we understand the difference.

Xtree

Thanks everyone for all your replies, and you all are probably on to something. She responded to me that she asks a lot of her clients this who have been trauma victims, is it okay to be okay sometimes. Like others have commented, is it the only normal I know and that is familiar to me?
In session when she asked me this, I asked her, "what do you mean, that I WANT to be a victim? I told her right then and there, NO.
But what is upsetting to me is that why ask a client that if some part of HER thought I was being a victim drama queen?

Then when you add the comment about me speaking in a speaking contest about child abuse and what happened to, as being the final stages of healing, I put the two together and it made me angry.

Well I wouldn't be in therapy in the first place if I didn't believe it was okay to be okay. right?

The whole thing smells like stinky cheese to me. She says she feels we can work this out, (yeah, but who is paying for this?) ME!
I just don't want to spend my time on the "therapy relationship" I don't want a relationship with her, and I don't feel spending time on us weeding this out is even beneficial to me. Maybe her wallet though. I can't afford spending money on the therapy relationship. Nor do I feel like working this out, I have too much other things to do. Like kids and family, my speech final this Monday and class finals next week.

So I am really frustrated about this, I have given up any hope of working on my stuff because the T's have either been unethical and/or hurt me worse than when I first started therapy 4 years ago. I am so sick of therapists and their games and it seems like she is treating me like she has learned how to from a book or something.

I just think it is so wrong to ask a client this when they are just starting to open up about how they feel, and then ask the client to qualify and judge those feelings. I certainly don't need her to judge my feelings, I feel what I feel. I feel this questions came on way too early in the game. Just allowing myself to feel took a long time and then to be able to trust her to tell her what I feel took even longer. Then when I do tell, I get this, what are you wanting to be a victim. That is just crap.

I certainly didn't need this only days before my final speech competition. Makes me not even want to do the speech, because what am I doing, being a victim drama queen according to her? I just feel like hiding away from the world again. I don't even think I have the strength anymore to even do my speech. So why am I doing in my speech about trying to stop child abuse by using my own story if I am just being a victim complaining again how bad it is to live through this? I feel like I have been totally shot done and the confidence I felt doing this has disappeared now.

[del12]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it would take alot of guts to share such a difficult personal experience. I had to do a talk on trust once and I used my own personal experience about growing up in an alcoholic home. It was painful scary and at the same time very healing and in no way was I playing the victim. You sharing your story will touch one and probably more people in your audience in a way that may open a door to their own journey of healing . You may never know how your words may help someone, but sharing experiences such as that is not playing a victim. You can do the speech. Please let us know how it goes.

[phoenix7]

I remember how you told us about how scared you were of giving the speech and how well it went - how great you felt afterwards - thats not being a victim thats being a survivior and trying to help others

I hope you do see your T to work this out - i dont think she meant to hurt you - T's are human - they make mistakes - a pdoc I saw told me I was powerless and that triggered me - my T told me that the pdoc said that because they didnt know me well enough to know it would trigger me - maybe your T didnt realise it would hurt you so much - maybe she was just raiising it to see how you felt about it -maybe now she knows she will be better able to help you - dont know if you tend to come across better than you are - I know I do - maybe that is part of prob - anyway I hope you do the speech I know you will be wonderful

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

I certainly didn't need this only days before my final speech competition. Makes me not even want to do the speech, because what am I doing, being a victim drama queen according to her?

Do the speech your way, not for her or anyone else...

[del12]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Do the speech your way, not for her or anyone else...

You are right pachyderm The speech is for you Exoctic flower not for your T. Giving that speech is a sign of growth.

[thalia2]

I can totally see how painful that statement would be. But I think you need to separate out a little bit what you're adding to her words from what she actually said. I don't know if she's a good therapist or not. But it sounds like she didn't say drama queen - those are your words. She talked about the part of us that gets used to seeing ourselves as victims - this is an almost universal issue in therapy and certainly in healing from abuse. There's always some tension between exploring and acknowledging your pain and hiding behind it or getting comfort from it. Finding the line, exploring that line, is part of the process of healing. But you can't find it unless you talk about it.

No matter how valid our pain, from the moment we start to articulate it, we feel a shadow lurking there - "am I being self-indulgent?" "am I whining?" "am I a drama queen?" And I suspect that the reason you're having such a pained reaction to her words is because you've been afraid of that shadow from the beginning and it didn't take much for it to be summoned up. But what's to be afraid of, really?

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

He admitted that he was distracted that day, and that he was being a bad therapist.

Now I don't claim to be a connoisseur of therapists or anything like that -- but it seems to me that a therapist who can manage to say something like that, must be an uncommonly good one!

[peaches100]

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she triggered a couple of major things for you. One, by telling you that she felt you were in the final stages of healing, she may have sparked your abandonment fears, making you feel as though she was going to send you out on your own before you truly were healed and ready to terminate.

Secondly, her statement that she believed you were close to being healed struck you as a contradiction from what you knew about yourself. Maybe you were hurt because your t didn't realize that your capability to present yourself as such a strong, confident public speaker is part of the defenses you've built up as a child.

So many of us who have endured trauma have a high functioning fascade/exterior that we've developed to help us "do life." Perhaps after several months of therapy, you expected/wanted your t to know to know the difference between your "I'm OK, strong, confident" defense and how the real you feels inside. To hear her say what she did may have made you feel like, "Wow! Do you even know me at all???"

My suggestion is that you consider talking this through with your t before you decide whether or not to quit. It's very likely that her intention in telling you that you're well on your way to being healed was meant as a compliment and testament to your courage and hard work. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you. But I think it's important that you let your t know how her comment affected you.

What was it about the compliment that caused you so much fear, pain, or anger that you are ready to quit therapy? Was it any of the things I mentioned above, or what others have suggested? The fact that you reacted so strongly makes me think there's an important issue here that you should not run from.

hey...

you do that speech. do it well. give it the honor it deserves...for you, your brother and for every other abused child whose voice can not or could not be heard.

or...do it for the grade, and the competition.

but...don't do it for the t. that is the wrong reason. her approval isn't needed for this speech. don't lose focus here.

the original thing was the speech. ..and how it empowered you. and that it did. and maybe you and t are not used to this new strength...and new roles it plays in your lives. power like any emotion can be an adjustment and takes a little getting used too.

your new power upset the apple cart so to speak. the equillibrium needs to be reset...both by you and t.

personally i wouldn't quit therapy...i would continue going...you have made great progress...i would go in there with your power and challenge the equillibrium. fight the power! strength is great...but only if it's focused...trust me...otherwise it's just wasted...(think bull in a china shop) if you can learn to focus and direct it..then watch out...you my friend will be unstoppable!

stumpy
who learned from experience that just being strong is good but being strong with direction is so much better

[Diogenes]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

I fired my T. I told my T that I am not okay. Well then she thinks because I am doing a speech about child abuse, I am in my final stages of healing from my child abuse. Then she tells me to think about whether I don't want to be well because I want to be a victim. WTF? I have pretended my whole life that I was okay, I am good at appearing okay, but I haven't healed, not even close.

How can I process my trauma with my T who thinks I am being a victim drama queen? I was just beginning to be able to trust her with my feelings, and she pulls this. I don't need therapy games. I am not going to pretend to be more messed up more than I am to get help. I just don't think this is a hurdle in the therapy relationship I can get over. My trust in sharing my deepest feelings are gone. I don't feel like starting over either, with her or anyone else.

I am thinking of just forgetting therapy all together, it seems to have messed me up more than ever.

I don't know you, so what follows are just observations based on what you've written in your two posts on this subject in this thread. I'm throwing them out there for your consideration -- if they strike a chord, they might be a challenge for you; if they're obviously not applicable in your case, you've lost nothing beyond the time it's taken you to read this. And if you're not in a mood to be challenged, I hope you'll stop reading now, in case you might become upset on reading them.

In the sections of your original post quoted above, it sounds as though you've just made yourself into the victim of your therapist. This is something she has done to you. I don't see anything in either post which relates back to the part you play in this situation.

A crisis is sometimes defined as being made up of three elements:

A precipitating event
An individual's perception of that event
A failure of coping methods

In this case, the therapist's remarks were the precipitating event. That's the only part over which you have no control -- you can't control what anyone else does, only how you react to it. In this case, it sounds as though your reaction may have been a bit extreme -- quitting therapy due to one perhaps poorly thought out set of remarks.

Working on the relationship between yourself and your therapist is valuable, because you bring many of the same reactions into other spheres in your life -- whether or not you're aware of it. While a therapist may be able to contain and process a disproportional reaction to her comments, there are others in your life who may not be able to -- or may not be willing to.

I guess when you get right down to the bottom of it, the question to ask is this: do you like the results you're getting from the way you do things now or would you like to change the results? And if you want to change those results, how would you go about doing so?

For me, the answers to those questions have been: "No, I don't like the results I'm getting from my current behavior patterns" and "I'll bet therapy will help -- too bad it's so damned painful, especially when my therapist screws up." (I'm very fortunate -- my therapist will admit when she makes a mistake -- although she's far more likely to say she's "f---ed up.")