Poems

I write poems from time to time. Not often, but occasionally. For the last few years, I've stored any poems I've written in the "Poems" folder on my hard drive. I also put poems there that I like that were written by other people. It's not like this folder is never visited by me.

Today I went to this folder for some reason and I was looking through its contents and I found 3 poems there that I do not remember writing at all. One was from less than a month ago. One of the poems was quite positive. Two of the poems, including the most recent, were very intense and contain what I can only label as images of death. The poems are somewhat obscure (I can't figure out what every line means) and very dark. I just don't remember writing these at all. But I know they're mine, because they are written in my style. They also contain images of what I would call "depression." I think I must have written these when feeling depressed. The thing is, I'm not depressed anymore and haven't been for some time. But these poems seem to suggest that there are times when I do feel depressed. But I don't remember these recent times and I don't remember writing these poems. It's confusing.

I'm feeling kind of disturbed by this. Is it normal to write things and then completely forget you've written them? It's as if some other person who writes just like me wrote these poems.

I'm thinking of bringing these poems to share with T tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should do that, or what would be the goal or point of that. I have shared a poem I wrote once before with T and it led to a good discussion. However, it was a poem I knew I wrote and that I understood. I'm not sure sharing a cryptic poem with T would be that illuminating. We would both sit there saying "what the hell does this mean?" Another time in therapy, T told me he wrote poems also and said he would bring in a poem to share if I brought in one of mine. I immediately said "no" I would not bring in a poem (my poems are very private and naked), and then reminded him I already had shared one with him. I think he was a little amused at how quickly and with what certainty I said no.

Maybe I should just chalk this up to "sunny has a bad memory" and forget about it.

I haven't written something and not remembered writing it. This would freak me out a bit...maybe you were sleep writing. :-) I have however written something then...when I re-read it later was shocked that I was able to write something like that. My T also made a comment one about how different some of the things I've written are. I think it depends on which ego stage is dominant at the time.
I think I would mention this to your T even if you don't share them.

Could these be something that you wrote while dealing with H and the legal meetings? They kind of really drain ya and may leave you a bit foggy.

Sunny,

Does anyone else have access to your Poem file, or have the capability of storing their Poems in with yours?

If not, I would definitely bring this up with your T. This could be an important and invaluable clue to your emotional puzzles.

Sometimes, people can dissociate and will write things....poems, songs, or draw pictures that they later can not remember once the dissociative experience is over. Everybody dissociates to a certain degree, but others can dissociate to a more extreme degree. Dissociation can be common with disorders like Depression, PTSD, and BPD. Having dissociative experiences would not necessarily mean that you have a dissociative disorder.

This does not mean you're crazy. And maybe it is just that because of your life events you do have some impaired memory, but this sounds a lot like dissociation to me.

It's definitely worth discussing this with your T. I think he would want to know. It might help to open some doors in your healing process.

Good luck to you!! Take care!!

hmm I am sure I posted here yesterday...... ok thats freaky! yes I would talk to your T about it - T can help you make sense of it - take care - an pressing submit and watching this one so it doesnt go away!!!

I would definitely mention it to T, even if you don't want to show him the poems.

Thanks everyone, for your thoughts on the mystery poems.

I think I just must have written the poems and forgotten about them. I can tell they are first drafts. Maybe I just dashed them off during some upset moments and then forgot about them. From the content, two of them I clearly wrote while feeling depressed, which doesn't happen much these days, and maybe I just wanted to block out the memory of feeling depressed so I forgot about these poems. I like to think of myself as "not depressed" right now, so these poems would be evidence to the contrary and not consistent with my current self-image. So maybe I just blocked them out of my memory to prevent the dissonance.

Now that I have read the poems several times, I am starting to "own" them. I connect deeply with them as I guess you would to something you yourself wrote. I find one very sad. I tried reading it out loud several times, but couldn't get through it. Two of the poems are very dark and I don't really want to acknowledge I felt this way or that I have this in me. I don't understand the poems completely and that seems odd, because wouldn't you understand a poem you wrote? (There is a very scrambled point of view in the sad poem, and I am not sure who is who in the poem.)

I did go to therapy today, and took the sad poem with me, but we had much to discuss and didn't get to it. In the morning light of a sunny day, it seemed strange to have these dark poems, too strange to share, a work of fiction, and not connected to our work in therapy. I would not know what to say to T about the poems, because I am fine. I am not a person with the dark thoughts in those poems. There really isn't anything in the poem I want to communicate to T. There have been occasional times I felt depressed and did not want to go to see T because of that (and I'm not sure I ever have--maybe once). I didn't want him to see that person. I am not depressed anymore, and it is embarrassing to me to show a "down" side to T. I don't mind being sad with him, but being depressed is different and not something I want to bring into his office, whether by a poem or otherwise.

I think I need more time to grapple with the poems, anyway.

Although I think I am over my "depression"... The chronic state where I just crawling under a rock and stayed there for fairly long stretch of time.

However, I still have days when I venture back there. It scared me at first, but now IDK, I don't stay there very long. I think what I experience now is just feeling down...not really depressed.

I get what you are saying about writing something and having trouble seeing that perspective at this very moment. This has happened to me a lot over that last year. I usually remember writing it, just have trouble identifying with it later.

Im glad the session went well - I dont think T would think any less of you if he saw that you had been depressed - it would probably only show how far you had travelled and how much healing you have done (and hard work!)

share the poems if and when you feel its right for you

Thanks, chaotic. I think it is much that way for me too. The "chronic" days are over and the worst of that was before I knew my current T, so he has never really known me badly depressed, and I am glad. (My former T was the one with the depressed sunny on her hands.) Once in a while, though, I do take a dive. And it really is just like a dive, often sudden and deep (hold on to your hats). But usually doesn't last long. I guess if I told anyone, it would be my PNP, not my T.

--

OK, I just talked to my PNP as we had a phone appointment scheduled and I didn't tell her about the poems, but I did mention the short bouts of feeling down and she was attentive, and we will talk more next month when we meet in person. I remembered something while talking to her about how I stopped taking my Vyvanse and Wellbutrin for about 5 days because I wanted to do an experiment to see their effect on my blood pressure. And I checked my calendar and sure enough, the 5th day was when I wrote that sad poem. I told her about stopping the drugs and feeling down and she said that is "rebound effect" and she told me since I am in anxious/stressful times right now (I have a lot going on with my divorce and am back to seeing my T every week), that I should keep on my drugs right now. When I am through the stress, we can re-evaluate. But she did say the Vyvanse has been so helpful, she doesn't want me to stop that ("ever" was implied).

Anyway, I didn't mean this to be a drugs post, but it was while talking to her that I made the connection with the time I wrote that most recent poem.

Sunny, it reminds me of journalling. I have looked back and had not recalled writing what was there or feeling what I wrote about.

I'm glad you were able to pinpoint that the time you wrote that poem and then forgot about it was during a withdrawal period. That makes a lot of sense...

I'm also glad your T session went well!

LOL, you're the second person who posted that and I actually never said my T session went well, just that I didn't bring up the poems. I guess people are used to me having good T sessions! (Not a bad reputation to have....) Actually, the session wasn't really that great--kind of frustrating (I made another thread about it). Or, just occurred to me, maybe people meant the phone session with my PNP. (I don't think of her as my therapist.) But, thank you!

Hi Sunny,

I have been wanting to comment on this thread for a few days. The other day I was looking back in my journal and I found many things I don't remember feeling. I think that when you looked over the poems and realized they were first drafts--that was a good hint that you just didn't attach a lot of importance to them after they were first written. Maybe there was just too much going on at the same time. Lord knows you have had your hands full lately. I think that we pay attention to those things that we have to. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I am glad you are seeing T every week right now because you need it. It also sounds like your PNP is a fine support. It feels like you are "held" by a seriously competent team of professionals. YAY!!!!

(((((((((Sunny))))))))

Thank you, MissCharlotte. Yes, I think you and others here (e.g. ECHOES) are right about the poems. I think I just forgot them. If they had been in my journal, I probably would have remembered them better because I visit my journal often. It is odd though that one was less than a month old. I think my brain is just on overload.

I've been reading two of those poems many times and am really coming to like them! I think they are pretty good for things hastily dashed off and squirreled away. I still don't completely understand them. One seems to be a love poem mixed with somewhat naturalistic images of suicide. (Where that came from, I really do not know, as I am not in love, and I am not suicidal.)

Gee, thanks! LOL.

Got to agree on that one. When I was talking to my PNP on the phone I mentioned about the current high stress, the time of feeling down, and how I was going to stick on the meds, and had gone back to seeing my T every week, and I said, meaning to be reassuring, "I got my people." I do feel that way. I have a team of professionals who help me in life, from my T, to my PNP, to my family T, to my L. I gots my people!