ick! hard session!!

i have been seeing pdoc now for 5 whole years now. and today was the first time i cried. and not just a little sniffly cry, but an absolute bawl my eyes out cannot control myself type cry.

pdoc looked like he'd been hit by a train. i dont think he would ever have seen it coming (neither did i ).

but it was good, because he finally understood how much pain i was in, so we addressed the issue directly for a little bit. usually pdoc encourages me to ignore it, so it doesn't destabilise me, but i think he finally got that we need to give it full attention because it's already doing damage, and i can't control it by ignoring it anymore.

we didn't go very far, because i just shut down after my emotional outburst, but it was so nice for him to finally just get how much this has been doing my head in.

anyway. maybe it's just because i had a good cry, but im feeling heaps better now. i am going out tonight with the guy who started this whole trigger going, but i'm feeling good about that even, so wish me luck .

That's great news, Deli. To be able to open up with pdoc and also to be open to your feelings--however painful--can be a relief.

This is progress. Maybe pdoc will be able to better help you by understandign you better; T, too.

Have a fun time with Mr. X. He better be good enough for my deli or he'll have to answer to me.

Have a good time Deli

(((((((((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it was such a hard session, but I think it's wonderful you were able to express some of your feelings and that pdoc got a better understanding of how much pain you have.
I often feel better after a good cry, too.

Good luck with your date - let us know how it goes, if you're comfortable doing so....

(((((((deli)))))))

I hope tonight goes well...

(((((((((deli))))))))

so glad to hear you got some of that pain out. you are really making lots of progress so give yourself a big pat on the back. have fun on your date!

(((((((((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you! I hope your date is a fun one

thanks guys .

the date went well. i had good time. he still hasn't tried anything creepy and/or physical with me, so i feel safe enough to see him again. i am a little bit on guard - he mentioned that his best friend got depressed a few years ago and doesn't "live up to his potential" - and that kind of got me a bit upset (i didnt show it, of course). i dont want anyone judging me on things like that.

as far as my head space is going, though... not going very well . pdoc is a good person, and he helps lots of people get better, and i'm just a stone that sunk and refuses to budge. i'm a bad person, and i think i should stop seeing pdoc because i dont want to waste his time anymore. my 'issues' are the result of me being bad when i was younger, and this is my punishment.

Deli, the last few statements you made sound to me like your "trauma monster" is pissed off and threatened by you having made a few personal connections recently. Sounds like it is launching a self loathing...your evil...bah..bah...bah attack. Don't listen to it. Your pdoc responded positively to your emoting and you had a good time on your date. Don't let these experiences get distorted.

[quote=deliquesce;1017738].

the date went well. i had good time. he still hasn't tried anything creepy and/or physical with me, so i feel safe enough to see him again. i am a little bit on guard - he mentioned that his best friend got depressed a few years ago and doesn't "live up to his potential" - and that kind of got me a bit upset (i didnt show it, of course). i dont want anyone judging me on things like that.

<FONT color=navy>Glad the date went well - you deserve to have a good time - glad he acted like a gentleman too as to the comment - I suppose he's right - we dont live up to our potential when we are depressed - dont let a throw away coment put you down -

Deli, you are NOT a bad person. What sort of life do you live now, how do you treat people now? You are what you are and do now, not some time in the past.

You were not a bad person as a child. As a child you weren't responsible for your actions, you weren't mature enough to understand the world and to know what was best. Whatever you did, anything done by adults around you were their decisions, their choices. Their responsibility. You didn't force any adult to do something. They acted of their own volition.

Your issues today aren't a rule of you being bad; they're a result of adults in your life having been bad an abusive. Good people--maybe, but abusive, yes.

I’m really happy for you that your experiences with Mr. X are going so well. It’s so good to hear that you have good things going on throughout your life: Great pdoc, so far great T, this guy. It’s all good. You’re doing so much better than you were 2 months ago.

deli, i completely agree with imp. you are not a bad person. you were victimized as a child and it sounds like you were manipulated into thinking whatever bad things happened to you were somehow your fault or that you need to be punished. that is complete rubbish!! you were a child deli. please don't punish yourself. you've done nothing wrong. this is all part of the abuse. as i've said before here, i heard that shame is taking on the blame of others. please don't do that! you are consistently a very caring person here so we're not buying it girl friend!

p.s. glad to hear the date went well. yea for deli!

what the?????? alright this is freaking me out - did I dream that there was another half of my post ? - where the heck is it gone?

What I said in the FIRST part of the post was

You are not bad Deli, pdoc cares about you and can help you - dont shut him out - he has helped in the past and can help you now - its your anxiety talking - dont listen to it - take care of you

your totally loony think Ive posted more and didnt friend P7

oh, p7, i actually came back here and repllied to everyone but it's all gone now. so, clearly, there is a conspiracy against us aussies .

i tired myself out the first time (replying to everyone), so i will leave it today. but, yes, i think i am out of that trauma-monster phase right now and not feeling quite so 'bad'. who knows when it will resurface.

the other problem is that date-boy wants to take me to the movies now, and i'm worried that it means he might try something creepy. i feel bad for saying no, now, but, so maybe i should call him back and say yes.

i want to ask pdoc if going to the movies means bad things will happen but pdoc isnt a relationship counsellor and its not fair of me to use up all his time like this.

hoping this reply stays -

dont change your mind about the vies - maybe call back and suggest something else if you want to see him again - somthing less confronting - picnic in Hyde park - trip to the Zoo or aquarium - they have the dugongs still I think and they are great - really cute -

I have to go -cos Im triggery - but I will be thinking of you and checking in to see how you went after my T session on Tues - feel free to PM me as I will be checking those - hope all goes well - P7

It is wonderful you were able to express some of your feelings> I am sorry it was very difficult. I think it is healthy to get it out every once in a while.

I believe sometimes pain and emotions can be like built up energy. Releasing it can make you feel better.

Xtree

I let out a tiny sniffle once after two years. It lasted a whole minute. My T was loving every second of it. T's eat this stuff up. Psychiatrists who do talk therapy eat it up too. Expressing emotions healthily is the only way to heal. It isn't failure to cry, and it isn't weakness.

You don't need luck, you need only to be yourself.

Whatever creepy is to you at the moment might seem normal someday (if you're talking about simple physical affection like kissing or hand-holding). Nothing wrong there, unless you don't feel comfortable with it. But he can't know that right now. You can simply use body language--turning away, taking your hand away, to stop that stuff from happening. God knows I've been shot down like that, but sometimes only in the very immediate; not right time though later it was.

Other women here can probably share their approaches about that. You have some control over what happens.

"Trying something" in a movie theater other than maybe holding hands is chickensh*t and loser-ish of a guy. He should be direct and upfront about it and do it in a place of being alone together (my favorite oxymoron) where you can talk about it if you're a serious person. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who's going to get all over you in a theater.

P7 - the dugongs are a great idea! i would love to take someone to see them with me. i just need to figure out when. maybe if i ignore this date thingy a for a week or two, then i can call him up and suggest dugongs instead? is that rude? i really don't want to be trapped in a movie theatre, is all.

impy - thank you for the multiple hugs ((((impy)))). i hope that other stuff feels normal in the future, but i don't know this guy enough to be vulnerable with him like that. i need to know that he thinks i'm someone of worth, not just someone who is fun to hang around with.
also, i can be an ice queen when i am feeling assertive enough, but how to make it not give off the message that i'm not interested at all? maybe it is stuff i would like in the future, just not right now. i dont want him to feel rejected and not call me again.