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  #1  
Old Jun 25, 2009, 09:54 PM
anxietygirl anxietygirl is offline
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I feel so bad as I writing this, but I truly hate my 18 yr old son. He completely consumes my life with his meaningless life. I don't even know who he is anymore. I look at pictures of him when he was younger and remember how happy and fun he was and full of life and now all I see is bitterness,anger,apathy, and dishonesty. He has tried to kill himself 3 times, he went into a psych facility and it didn't help, he took medications but abused them so now he takes nothing and I refuse to take him to get more prescriptions. He will take any pill he can get his hands on in large quantities. He will not work, has quit school, he is abusive to me and everyone in the house, he breaks things, puts holes in the wall, calls me horrible names. He lies and he steals. He is a drug addict. I know he smokes pot, but there has to be something else. He has told me he takes pills. I hate him. I took him to meet his biogical father and he has not changed either, went to jail Monday to await trial for 5 DUI's and possession of xanax and vicodin. He never paid one dime of child support, not one phone call, not one card, and my son thinks he is wonderful. Like father like son I guess. I made a mistake finding him for my son. My son keeps talking about killing himself, he wants to get a gun or take an overdose. I wish he would just get it over with, he won't go to counseling. He is going to jail for about 30 days for possession of marijuana. I had his bond revoked. When he gets out, he is not going to have a place to live anymore, I am changing the locks. How can I hate someone so much that I gave life to? I don't even know him anymore.

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  #2  
Old Jun 25, 2009, 10:28 PM
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NuckingFutz NuckingFutz is offline
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wow! maybe his time in jail will give you a chance to take care of you. I am glad you made some decisions already. It sounds like you have made a good decision to not have him live with you. Sounds like you have struggled a lot and it sounds like your son has given up on himself, has had many opportunities and much support. He just didn't seem to have the strength to keep up the good fight. But you are strong. Sending you a safe cyber hug. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
  #3  
Old Jun 25, 2009, 10:33 PM
Anonymous29357
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Originally Posted by anxietygirl View Post
I feel so bad as I writing this, but I truly hate my 18 yr old son. He completely consumes my life with his meaningless life. I don't even know who he is anymore. I look at pictures of him when he was younger and remember how happy and fun he was and full of life and now all I see is bitterness,anger,apathy, and dishonesty. He has tried to kill himself 3 times, he went into a psych facility and it didn't help, he took medications but abused them so now he takes nothing and I refuse to take him to get more prescriptions. He will take any pill he can get his hands on in large quantities. He will not work, has quit school, he is abusive to me and everyone in the house, he breaks things, puts holes in the wall, calls me horrible names. He lies and he steals. He is a drug addict. I know he smokes pot, but there has to be something else. He has told me he takes pills. I hate him. I took him to meet his biogical father and he has not changed either, went to jail Monday to await trial for 5 DUI's and possession of xanax and vicodin. He never paid one dime of child support, not one phone call, not one card, and my son thinks he is wonderful. Like father like son I guess. I made a mistake finding him for my son. My son keeps talking about killing himself, he wants to get a gun or take an overdose. I wish he would just get it over with, he won't go to counseling. He is going to jail for about 30 days for possession of marijuana. I had his bond revoked. When he gets out, he is not going to have a place to live anymore, I am changing the locks. How can I hate someone so much that I gave life to? I don't even know him anymore.
First IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! This has been hard for me to understand as well as I have a 23 year, my sister has two twenty years too.
That generation for some reason believe that everything should be given to them. That they don't have to work. The use people. Take everything they can get until their forced to move on to the next sorry for them person.
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER SO MUCH - BUT ......

At age 16 I had my son - things were nothing like that.....
I had to be a mother.

Drugs to seem to be the thing. No matter what they can get their hands on.

Personally I strongly suggest that you take your own advice and firmly NOT allow him back to live and change the locks.
If he as you say he is abusive - the cops may have to get involved.
Someday hopefully, my daughter too - Will wake up or whatever their going to - All I can do is PRAY. AND IT DOES HURT TERRIBLY.
  #4  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 09:46 AM
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abeatofmyown abeatofmyown is offline
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Do u think maybe hes acting out like this to get some POSITIVE attention from you? People arent stupid im surehe can feel u HATE him which i feel is a horrible thing to say about ur son. U say u wish he would just kill himself and get it over with? What a thing to say! Im not at all saying that hes an angel but ur his MOTHER take some respsibility for his actions. U say he just met his father that might have something to do with it. Do u constantly tell him hes just like his father? Does this hate u have for him consume ur every thought of him even when hes trying to do better? Im trully lost for words by ur comment and the other ppl that post.
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  #5  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 11:43 AM
Anonymous29368
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If I were you, I'd probably hate him too. Pretty much every one of my brother's (one biological brother, 3 step brothers) has one issue or another, one step-brother I have in particular sounds like your son. These guys... in general I feel bad for them because I can empathize with them... but it just comes to a point where they have to grow up, and face the facts that their behavior affects other people and is unacceptable. Tough love can go two ways: either it helps them and they are thankful in the future, or they still can't get past the "I'm a victim and not responsible for anything" mindset and they resent you for as long as they can hold a grudge.

No offense starlite, but it makes me very angry when people say that the younger generations think that everything should be given to them. Sure, there are plenty of spoiled people, but I guess I just know too many people from my own generation who had to be responsible for themselves, their siblings, and in one case the entire household because their parents weren't (and some still aren't) acting like adults.
  #6  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 03:30 PM
Anonymous29357
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Originally Posted by Kaika View Post

No offense starlite, but it makes me very angry when people say that the younger generations think that everything should be given to them. Sure, there are plenty of spoiled people, but I guess I just know too many people from my own generation who had to be responsible for themselves, their siblings, and in one case the entire household because their parents weren't (and some still aren't) acting like adults.
No offense taken. I was not speaking of spoiled kids that's a suject all together...
Everything depends about everything: how brought up, abuses, medical, poor or rich...

I am 48 and as for generation it's an old terminology. There was a time in recent history where people where arrested for spanking their kids. About that time is when we started seeing more and more minors doing serious crimes.

The area, town, city, state is also a factor.

Personal experinece with ones in my family, friends and neighbors speak of what the young adults of 20... are doing with their lifes, or Not doing.

But the drug issues, rebellion, blah blah.... is not understandable to the extreme that they are.
  #7  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:43 PM
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TrespassersWill TrespassersWill is offline
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I understand why you feel like you do towards him. But perhaps hating anyone is not the best thing to do as its not healthy. Do you go to a counselor to learn how to deal with him and other life issues? It might be helpful.
  #8  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:44 PM
bluesylady bluesylady is offline
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Hi anxietygirl. So sorry to hear of the problems with your son. I so understand what you're going through as I have a 21yo son who's been cooking the alphabet soup + doing drugs and alcohol for quite a while. Don't have much to offer you right at this time as I'm once again going through some crap with him. I do have a wonderful web site for you to visit for ideas, support, encouragement, ect. Just remembered it from years ago. There is a forum for parents dealing with adult children with mental health issues, drug and alcohol addiction ect. This information and support from this site was so incredibly helpful to me when his behavior started to become uncontrollable years ago. I can't believe I've forgoten all about it till now. Guess I'll have to follow my own advice and check it out again. BTW the letters gfg refer to our "problem child" as gift from God. Good luck with everything. If you'd like to chat you can pm me if you'd like.

take care,
BL
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I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've
seen
Were ever real, were ever really
happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Sheryl Crow
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  #9  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:46 PM
bluesylady bluesylady is offline
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Ok couldn't post the website link until I had 10 posts. This is post "9" Link is on it's way. Hopefully next post.
__________________
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've
seen
Were ever real, were ever really
happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Sheryl Crow
Everyday Is a Winding Road
  #10  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:46 PM
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*freak* *freak* is offline
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Anxietygirl, my reply will probably be quite unpopular... but I just want to express my point of view of your situation.
When I was reading your post I couldn't help but identify with your son. Probably because we're around the same age (I'm 20), but also because a lot of his behaviours and issues sounded so familiar to me. Of course, I don't know him, but from what you said it appears as clear as day that he's suffering. He attempted suicide 3 times... well, to do that one must be pretty much in agony (I know what I'm talking about). And he's still talking about it, so he's still struggling.
About the drug abuse, I doubt he developed an addiction because he was constantly looking for fun. I think what he wanted from the pills was relief. When the pain you feel inside becomes unbearable, you would do anything to make it go away. If nothing else works you eventually resort to alcohol or drugs (Again, I know what that's like too).
He doesn't want to go to counseling. I don't know if he tried that already... If he did and it didn't help, he probably thinks it's useless; or worse, he thinks nothing can help him any more. (Been there too). If he didn't, there are lots of reasonable explanations why he doesn't feel like trying.
About the fact that he's abusive I won't say anything, because that's obviously wrong. But he's having a hard time and guys that age often express their pain through aggressiveness. It doesn't mean he hates you or he likes to be mean to you or anybody else. He just doesn't realize he's hurting you, simply because he never thought about it.

I hope this doesn't sound judgemental or too apologetic of your son's unacceptable behaviors. I don't mean to question the properness of your feelings or to judge you in any way. I just wanted to present things from a different perspective.
After I read your post I suddenly thought: "Wow, if this is the way my parents see me, that explains a lot". See, I don't work or study either... and I'm well aware this may lead to the conclusion that I'm lazy and spoiled. But the truth is, I'd really like to do something with my life, I want it so badly... I just can't because of my problems. And your son is clearly suffering very much too, which might limit him more than it seems.
This is just my opinion... and I apologize if I'm out of line.
I wish you the best of luck
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  #11  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:49 PM
bluesylady bluesylady is offline
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Post "10" hmmmm. Let's see if this works. www.conductdisorders.com and the forum for parents of adult children is Parents Emeritus
__________________
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've
seen
Were ever real, were ever really
happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Sheryl Crow
Everyday Is a Winding Road
Thanks for this!
Shangrala
  #12  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 04:54 PM
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lynn P. lynn P. is offline
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Hi Anxietygirl,
I'm sorry this is happening to your family and I think you're brave for admitting how you feel. I'm just worried for you because hate is a destructive emotion to carry around and can make you sick. Please take care of yourself and don't let it ruin you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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  #13  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 05:16 PM
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stefano stefano is offline
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I feel conflicting emotions, so I'll just say both. You are right being resolute and even harsh. You can't live with an abusive person, you don't have to, it wouldn't even help him.
But also, I can't help thinking that no person asks to be put into life. Children are given birth by people so they give meaning and fulfill parents' life. Whe they reveal to be defective, not that nice... what to do?
Thanks for this!
Slothrop
  #14  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 06:02 PM
Anonymous29357
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Originally Posted by bluesylady View Post
Ok couldn't post the website link until I had 10 posts. This is post "9" Link is on it's way. Hopefully next post.
Never heard that before.
  #15  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 06:34 PM
bluesylady bluesylady is offline
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It's true. When I went to post the msg with the web link my msg wouldn't post and a little msg popped up saying I had to have ten posts before I could post a link. Sooooo that's what I did.
__________________
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've
seen
Were ever real, were ever really
happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Sheryl Crow
Everyday Is a Winding Road
  #16  
Old Jun 26, 2009, 06:37 PM
Anonymous29357
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Originally Posted by bluesylady View Post
It's true. When I went to post the msg with the web link my msg wouldn't post and a little msg popped up saying I had to have ten posts before I could post a link. Sooooo that's what I did.
So this is number 10? hurray
  #17  
Old Jun 27, 2009, 12:47 PM
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Lauru Lauru is offline
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Anxiety girl, did you ever think your son may be acting out because he is in anguish and hates himself? If you don't love him, then why should he? He has attempted to kill himself 3 times. This boy is suffering and needs help and support not hate. Hate never helped anything. Tough love is fine, but it is still love not tough hate. If he is doing drugs and violent towards you then by all means don't let him back into the house. But do it out of love, to help him to reach bottom so he can get into recovery. I have an older brother who is a drug addict and alcoholic. He lives in a crack house and is very ill. He is psychotic as well. I tried everything I could to help him get help, but he refused. I do not hate him and never have. I love him, I just don't love his behaviors and choices. Just some things to think about. Perhaps if you could let go of the hate things would get better for you. Hate never helped anyone.
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I hate my son.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
---Robert Frost
Thanks for this!
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  #18  
Old Jun 27, 2009, 01:31 PM
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NuckingFutz NuckingFutz is offline
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i think the web link is great. A little knowledge is a great when you are at the end of your rope. I hope u will go to that link and find answers and support.
  #19  
Old Jun 27, 2009, 09:34 PM
bluesylady bluesylady is offline
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hey futz, i love your name
__________________
I've been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I've been living on coffee and nicotine
I've been wondering if all the things I've
seen
Were ever real, were ever really
happening

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Sheryl Crow
Everyday Is a Winding Road
  #20  
Old Jun 27, 2009, 10:02 PM
Anonymous273
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He sounds like somebody really hurting from a lot of thing in his life.

Having a mother who hates him and wishes he would just take his life, well that can't help him at all.

I have a feeling there is a lot more to this story that we don't know.

It sounds like your son needs help and love, not hate.

I just don't understand how a parent could ever hate their child, whether adult or not.

Have you considered some sort of counseling for yourself too? It sounds like you have a lot of anger at not just your son, but his father too. You made a choice to have a baby with this guy, maybe part of the hate you feel is for yourself because who would choose someone like this to sleep with in the first place?
  #21  
Old Jun 28, 2009, 12:42 PM
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NuckingFutz NuckingFutz is offline
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Originally Posted by bluesylady View Post
hey futz, i love your name
thanks! I was going to go by blowsstuffup but i don't think i would make as many friends.
  #22  
Old Jun 28, 2009, 02:30 PM
confuzzed confuzzed is offline
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Hey everyone,

I have this same problem, not liking my children very much. At times hating them.

I have two sons, 18-Y-O and 20-Y-O.

The 18-Y-O son and I are very much alike in personality SO we clash quite a bit. AND he makes no bones about the fact that he thinks I'm an idiot. My 18-Y-O is extremely disrespectful to me (tells me to shut up in public, uses the "f" word at me, etc.). Once another adult even told him not to talk to his mother that way when he was cursing at me for something in public.
Yes, it embarrassed him.
No, it hasn’t helped change his behavior.

I'm not especially fond of my 20-Y-O these days either. He's home for the summer due to his grades so he is not happy and it makes it known. Today at lunch the 20-Y-O told me he "is gonna do what I want to do no matter what you say". To that I say "well, EXCUSE ME". He has decided I am an inconvenience and views me as a "pocket book". The 20-Y-O is nice when he wants money, but otherwise he'd rather not be bothered by me. I have learned how to tell him NO and stick to it. Granted, when that pretty little smile shows up it's a struggle for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that I do NOT want to be bankrupted on account of him or his brother.

Both of my sons are in college now - the 18-Y-O starts his freshman year in just a few weeks - and some days I can't WAIT for both of them to be moved out of my house and dealing with everything themselves.

As an earlier post talked about, I too have seen that since we all started getting a rested for spanking the attitudes of young people have really gone downhill in terms of respect for others. I see my sons be what I consider absolutely impolite and verging on abusive of people they call "friends". And the friends are the same way back. I just don't understand it.

Now, I'm sure I'm going to be told I'm being harsh....
  #23  
Old Jun 28, 2009, 06:25 PM
Slothrop Slothrop is offline
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anxietygirl, you must be under a horrendous amount of stress. What an awful situation. Sorry you're going through this.

I think it is healthy and takes courage to admit what you are feeling, that you hate your son. But I also agree with some of the others that this is a corrosive and unhealthy way to feel...and if you aren't already, seeing a therapist might help you through your resentment.

It's hard when someone is bent on self-destruction. I have no idea if he will accept anyone's help. But if you can tell him that you do care what happens to him, even though you are firmly refusing to let him trash your life anymore, maybe it will give him a glimmer to go on.
  #24  
Old Jul 16, 2009, 06:31 AM
Emotionally Dead Emotionally Dead is offline
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Well, I came here to help others with their problems, and discuss mine at the same time. I will try to say this in the nicest way possible, but for someone who does not want anyone to die it may be difficult. I just hope I don't sound too harsh.

You are the Mother of this boy. You gave birth to him. He didn't ask for it, but it happened. Now here he is. He is looking for an escape. Apparently he feels like his only escape is to either do drugs and be a robotic being, or to kill himself. If he has made attempts before, then obviously there is something wrong. Now, I am not sure what kind of Counseling you have taken him to, but you need to be there for him as much as you can. You need to help him through this, because for someone who has lost a Mother, I know how difficult it is and I know that he needs you.

I think that you both need to take Counseling together. He is obviously having many issues, but as are you. Saying that you wish your son would finish himself off is a bit disturbing. I understand that you are very stressed, and probably very worried about him, but if you truly in your heart want him to die then there is something wrong. Especially since you did give birth to him. I personally don't believe you want him to die, I just think you are upset and you are lashing out. You need to find some way to cope with this together, rather than making him do it all on his own. I am not telling you to let him live with you, nor am I telling you to be all lovey-dovey with him, but I do think he needs you and I think that you should be there for him as much as you can.

Now, I agree with much of your post. Not letting him live with you is a good idea. If he is too violent, he does not need to be there. You and your family do not deserve to deal with his Violence, but you could help find him a home. Some Hospital or Shelter that would take him. Not only would that keep him and his violence out of your home, but it would keep him somewhere where he still at least has a roof over his head. He does need help with his addictions, and his anger. However, if he does not have you to live with and your house to be in, it may make him find help, and perhaps even change.

I don't know what all else to say. This is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with, but him killing himself is not the way to deal with it. I wish you all the best, and may God bless you both.
Thanks for this!
Anonymous29402, I_miss_my_kitty, KathyM, Shangrala, Slothrop, Typo
  #25  
Old Jul 18, 2009, 04:08 PM
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robinrenee robinrenee is offline
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Anxiety girl, have you tried Alanon or Narcanon? I have found them helpful in teaching me to detach with love from an impossible situation. There comes a time when you just have to take care of yourself.
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