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#1
Jul 06, 2009, 10:20 PM
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I just wanted to express how I'm feeling right now. For the biggest part of the afternoon I've been slipping into a depression. Right now it just seems like my life has no purpose. I have (had?) a very good female friend, but we haven't spoken to each other in quite a while. We always had a great time together, just hanging out and doing stuff as friends. Last Febuary when we went out to eat, I knew she didn't have any money with her. Yet, when we got to the cashier, I asked her if she wanted me to buy hers. I know she was embarrassed by that question. I'm not sure that I can give a good explanation for even asking it, other than my mind really wasn't where it should've been. I guess you could say that I "space out" a lot. I have OCD and my mind stays rather preoccupied a great deal of the time. Still, this isn't an excuse for what I done. Later, I asked if she would forgive me and she said she did. But the next time I seen her, things had changed. She acted differently. There's more to the story, but that's all I really want to talk about for now.
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#2
Jul 07, 2009, 08:55 AM
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sorry that you feel not good....I won't be so worry about the friend...she's your friend and friends forgive each others....be good to her and things will go all right....
I think if we could just switch our brains and quite thinking, then everything would turn to be good and happy to us.... Try to stay positive and active, it will pay off.... take care of yourself with love Marjan |
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#3
Jul 07, 2009, 04:46 PM
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Marjan,
Thanks for your reply and words of encouragment. I have wished many times that I could just turn my mind off and not think at all. Perhaps if I hadn't been thinking that day, I wouldn't have hurt her. I just think too much most of the time. Right after this happened, we had talked on the phone at least 3 times. As I have already said, my friend said she accepted my apology and had acted like she had moved on. She acted like she had done a better job of it than me. I have a hard time forgiving myself. Around the end of March, she called and told me she was having surgery the first of April. I said that I would come see her. I had always told her that I wanted to be there for her in those situations. Her reply? She said that I didn't have to come, because she would be busy after the surgery with therapy. I thought she meant for me not to worry about coming to see her or for me not to put myself out. I did go to see her after the surgery. I only stayed a few minutes. I gave her a stuffed animal and get well balloon. I thought the visit went well. But the next time I seen her out of the hospital, she asked me why did I come to see her? She said she had told me not to come. But her actual words were "you don't have to come" I was so surprised by her reaction that all I could say was I'm sorry and I walked off. I have tried to remember to take into account that she has both Bipolar Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia. It helps to talk about this here. Thanks Dwayne61 |
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#4
Jul 08, 2009, 08:57 AM
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I still can't understand it...the only problem was that you asked her if you can pay for her stuff and she got mad? am I right? This is kinda odd to me...If my friend does that to me, no matter if I have money or not, I would be happy and think that my friend cares about me....what was wrong with that then?
Well...all of us think too much that's why we are here in PC....you can try meditation to calm your mind....I do lots of meditation and breathing exercises....It helps.... but still my mind is overly active....and hard to forget stuff....I'm practising to train my brain....and I'm positive that it's working....but I need time.... with love marjan |
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#5
Jul 08, 2009, 06:00 PM
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marjan,
Yes, you're right. I had asked her if she wanted me to pay for hers. But I already knew she didn't have any money at that time. Maybe she just felt embarrassed about it. I do know that she has had an abusive relationship in the past. Maybe combined with this incident along with her past, she's acting like she is. I don't know. Maybe I said something else to her that I've forgotten about that she found offensive. Based on what I do know, it just doesn't seem that's enough for her to act the way she has. I am trying to see things from her view point and give her the benifit of the doubt. Before this happened, she was my main social life. Since then, I've reestablished contact with old friends and I'm doing other things. But it just isn't the same without her. Dwayne61 |
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#6
Jul 08, 2009, 06:26 PM
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Hi there,
We cannot be responsible for how others react.......I know you said there is more to the story.......you are you and if people accept us for who we are, then there is no question of our intentions....If someone is upset for some reason, it is their responsibility to bring it up for discussion......there is only so many times you can ask someone "What is wrong?" Just as you must take responsibility for your actions, so must others. I am not denying that it is sad when people become distant and remote, but spend little time dwelling on it. You are a good person, you were trying to help a friend in this instance and it back fired.......you cannot read her mind...... Stop feeling responsible, take back the control of how you feel, and stop feeling guilty because you are "preoccupied". Believe me, sweets.....there are better, unconditional friends on the way..... 
__________________
For all things Light and Dark.......http://thedemonrun.wordpress.com/  The only Truth that exists..... .........Is that there is no absolute Truth. |
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#7
Jul 09, 2009, 08:56 AM
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Hey Dwayne,
Its funny how we receive forgiveness from others, as they move forward, yet we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. I like what Marjan wrote: "Try to stay positive and active, it will pay off...." You do seem like a caring a good person she would cherish as a friend regardless of how she comes off sometimes. You also type/talk well, how you expressed how you feel as well to her as you have here? I sometimes find that when complications arise, I am someone nervous to talk directly to the person involved, yet I can speak so clearly and logically to others. Sometimes I pull it all together and approach the person with all I have felt and it makes a world of difference. Have you expressed things like: "Before this happened, she was my main social life. Since then, I've reestablished contact with old friends and I'm doing other things. But it just isn't the same without her." You wrote allot of other things that I just cant see someone not taking to heart and realizing how special you are to each other. I may be wrong, Good luck  0ldsoul
__________________
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience to win my freedom. Grant that I may not be a coward, feeling Your mercy in my success alone; But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure. *bengali poet - rabindranath tagore - 1916 |
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#8
Jul 09, 2009, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Thank you for your kind comments. I am the same way about talking to her. It's easier for me to talk to others about it. In fact, I feel uncomfortable around her now. I don't think I've expressed these feelings to her. I believe I had mentioned her attitude about me visiting her in the hospital. When she asked why did I come see her after she had told me not to, all I could do was say "I'm sorry" and walk off. You could say that I was speechless when she asked that. If I had been more in control of my feelings, I would have told her that I didn't understand she didn't want me visiting her. Her exact words were "You don't have to come". Dwayne |
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#9
Jul 09, 2009, 10:13 PM
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yeah...
maybe express your feelings in detail, let her know whats going on in your head. Its always good to be more thorough in these complications. I find being vague or distant will allow others to interpret your meanings, and usually not for the best. But, you know her better than any of us, so be sure to use your own judgment
__________________
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience to win my freedom. Grant that I may not be a coward, feeling Your mercy in my success alone; But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure. *bengali poet - rabindranath tagore - 1916 |
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#10
Jul 10, 2009, 01:01 PM
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I'm sorry you are having some bumps in the road with your friendship.
I have found that keeping busy by filling your life with the stuff that makes you happy really helps to keep life fulfilling which in turn makes you less dependent on one other person. It seems that your friend was your main source of fun and that is always a bit risky. Sometimes I go to the movies alone and have a nice time, or I have sent out a casual open invitation when I want to go out for dinner and my husband is working that night--its a nice way to establish new contacts for possible friends. Here are some ideas: host a bbq at your place/invite people over for some sports event on tv if you have pay per view (or put out the word you're popping over to a well liked local sports bar to watch and you don't mind some company)/join a club of some kind (I joined the photography club, toastmasters and running clubs at different points in my life).
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#11
Jul 10, 2009, 01:34 PM
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Quote:
How about saying it to her ?
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#12
Jul 10, 2009, 01:39 PM
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To be fair, I want to explain what I think was behind me asking if she wanted me to buy her lunch when I already knew she didn't have any money. We are both on disability. I have OCD and she has Bipolar Disorder & Paranoid Schizophrenia. I had my disability a long time before she got started on hers. As a result, whenever we would go out to lunch, see a movie, etc. I would pay for everything. I’m not sure what I’m about to say is going to make any sense, but there was a conflict going on within me. The majority of the time when we went out, it was my idea. I really enjoyed spending time with her. At the same time, I was being resentful that I was having to pay for everything. I did have this on my mind the last time we ate out. If this hadn’t been a problem for me, it’s likely I never would’ve said what I did. |
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#13
Jul 10, 2009, 01:48 PM
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Perhaps she assumed you was going to pay for the meal and didnt have enough money really to pay for it so was surprised when you 'offered' to pay ?
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#14
Jul 10, 2009, 01:51 PM
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Thanks for your suggestions. I have been trying to think of some ways to make more friends. I'm rather good at "putting all my eggs in one basket" when it comes to friendships. Similar incidents have happened in the past. (Also, it seems I usually invest more in the friendship than the other person.) This time, I decided to do things different. I used to attend Alcoholics Anonymous regular, but got out of the habit of going a few years ago. Although I haven't drank in 1 1/2 years, I started going back for social support. I'm rather good friends with the guy who has the meetings at his house & we do a lot of things together. All of this does help. Dwayne61 |
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#15
Jul 10, 2009, 01:57 PM
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Tishie, Thanks for your encouragement! I do intend to tell her. I put it in the short letter I'm thinking about sending to her. Dwayne61 |
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#16
Jul 10, 2009, 08:46 PM
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ha...now, it cleared to me why she got pissed and distant!
Very simple...you were always paying for her, then all of a sudden you asked her if she wants you to pay...da! off course she wants you to pay! I would ask her out and talk to her honesty....and besides, give her some time to make decision.... best of luck to you Marjan 
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#17
Jul 10, 2009, 09:38 PM
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marjan,
Are you saying you think I should explain the reason behind why I ask her that or just let her know that I really care about her? Dwayne61 |
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#18
Jul 11, 2009, 09:02 AM
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I think that would be a good start. There must be some interests you have, or things you've always toyed around with doing but have never done...now would seem also be a good time to think about starting one of those things. For example, I always wanted to dance, so I signed up for ballroom dancing as well as belly dancing. Its awkward for the first 6 times I find, and then you become a 'regular' there. I would like to offer some kind of suggestion in regard to the problem of you having to always pay for outings but I just can't think of a tactful approach. It would be nice if you could each pay for your own, wouldn't it? |
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#19
Jul 11, 2009, 02:50 PM
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You got to be relaxed and let time solve your problem...Trust me, she will get back to you....If you two were good friends and spend so much time together then she will miss you as well.... Yes...this is a time to find your interests.....and you get dettached from her....attachments are not good, it will bring suffering.... take care and be paitent Marjan |
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#20
Jul 11, 2009, 05:28 PM
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There is a therapist that I see once a week. He told me to be thinking of some places where I could make friends. There is a crisis center down the road from where I live. I know I could check that out, as I'm sure they would need volunteers. The problem with that or any idea of making new friends is something like going to a "foreign country" for me. There's the fear of the unknown and fear that I'll look foolish or something. That's one thing that's held me back in life. Yes, I think if we get back as friends, it might be a good idea for each of us to pay for his/her own. Or at least, have a clear understanding of what to expect. But that's the problem. There was a clear understanding of that situation. I already knew she didn't have any money. If I had dealt with my conflicting feelings, then it probably wouldn't of happened. I've only been a member her for just a few days and I'm really glad I joined. Everyone here has proven to be very friendly and supportive. Thank you! Dwayne61 |
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#21
Jul 11, 2009, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
I'm not sure that she really expected me to pay all the time. Before she got her disability started, she would occasionally say that she knew I got tired of paying all the time. I just never expressed my feelings about it. I don't know how I would've explained the conflict that I was having. I also know that even after she started getting disability she probably didn't have as much as I did do go out and do things. She has a 13 y/o son and other responsibilites that I don't have. Before any of this happened, I would question from time to time just how good a friendship we had. I'm the type of person who wants to stay in close contact with his friends. If nothing else, at least once a week call and say that I'm thinking about you. She isn't like that. To her, it's ok to go several weeks without talking. That would always frustrate me. I did express my feelings about this, but it didn't make much difference to her. I had started seeing this "distancing" as a possible defense mechanism. A way that she protects herself. Her ex-husband was very abusive, both physically and emotionally. After that, she was in a relationship with an alcoholic. (So now, she's very adamant about not having a romantic relationship with any one.) If that's one of her ways of protecting herself, I guess I can understand that. If I'm right, then maybe her avoiding me isn't so much about me as it is about what's gone on in her past and her wanting to protect herself from it happening again. Does this make sense? Dwayne61 |
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#22
Jul 11, 2009, 05:55 PM
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It is hard to put yourself 'out there' and sometimes you DO feel a bit awkward and foolish but the end payoff is worth hanging in there (remember: at least 6 times attending the class/club or whatever). I attended my first Belly Dancing class this past Wednesday. The class was filled with mostly young women in their 20's [ I am, *ahem* a little more mature than that while still looking reasonable hot--hey, I can hold my own
 ] who had taken loads of classes in Belly Dance and tons of other kinds of dancing. I tried to follow the choreography, attempting to twitching my left and right butt muscles individually which incidentally didn't budge one iota, while simultaneously contorting my torso into a square formation all the while standing on my toes and walking forward. It was not a pretty sight...but then who cares? Did even one of those women give a rat's ***** how I looked? No Way! They only care about how gorgeous THEY look. One woman came with a friend and just couldn't bear the risk of looking foolish and so she just kind of slinked out the door about 10 minutes into the routine without even changing into her dance clothes. It make me realize that if you don't risk it, you never make it past the difficult parts to the reward. (In my case that should be me looking much like Shakira shaking her booty in about 6 months time should I decide to stick with Belly Dancing and not switch to another kind of dance) Something else to think about: If you join a club or sign up for some kind of classes, you will be mixing with generally stable, non-needy people who can participate in an equal, give and take relationship. I find that having a mix of friends who are needier and require more attention as well some who can hold their own is a consideration in balancing out my own emotional/mental reserves. |
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#23
Jul 11, 2009, 05:56 PM
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Hi there. You know, I find it's rarely all about "you." (Or "me.") When someone behaves like that, it's probably all about them, though it can hurt when trying to build a relationship.
When I became disabled, I lost all my friends...well, they know where they are but they vanished...except for one, who tries to be a friend but it's obvious to me that she isn't keeping me on for her sake.  Time to find a new definition of "friend" and "fun" and all that goes with it. Once I found new definitions for other things that also changed in my life, my life became easier to deal with... good wishes! Welcome to PC btw.
__________________
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#24
Jul 11, 2009, 09:10 PM
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ahhh,
perhaps she sensed some anger in your question? a bit of a snarky feel to it? if you were feeling a bit frustrated it may have came out in a different tone. But saying that, I have always found that when generosity looses its rarity, it becomes common, then expected. I struggle allot with it. Where if others turn someone down or simply say "no, I cant" Its no where near the same response when it comes from someone who has molded themselves the "go to person" for all and any help. I am having a hard time explaining, perhaps this thread will kind of help. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...93#post1062593 Hope all works well. 0ldsoul
__________________
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience to win my freedom. Grant that I may not be a coward, feeling Your mercy in my success alone; But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure. *bengali poet - rabindranath tagore - 1916 |
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#25
Jul 11, 2009, 09:36 PM
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I admire your determination to get out there with the younger women and learn to dance! |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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