Just wanting to talk

_Sky,

Thank you for wanting to add me as a friend!

Would you mind elaborating on what you wrote above?

Dwayne

Thanks 0ldsoul,

You could be right. I never thought of that. It doesn't seem like I took that kind of tone with her, but she might have seen it differently.

I just remembered something else. When we talked on the phone right after this happened she mentioned something else I said.She said that she told me again that she didn't have any money and I replied "That sounds about right." I don't recall saying that, but with a lot of things my memory isn't that great. Thinking about her telling me this leads me to believe that you could be right about the tone of my voice and how she took it. But right after she told me this, I started realizing that sometimes that's just one of the phrases that I say a lot without really thinking about it. I think that if I did say that, I didn't mean anything by it.

My dear Dwayne61,

I think you are putting too much thought into this relationship. Sometimes is better just to let it go and let the time resolve our issues rather than digging into it.
I'm like you too, I like to stay in touch with my friends all the time, specially those that I feel close to. But I found out, not everybody likes that. People are just simply so different. Some don't like it at all.
Try to find new friends and new hobbies and you will be surprized!
Attachment is not good for you. I used to be attached to one of my girlfriend too much. I was calling her everyday and getting direction from her. Then I realized that I'm ruining my life, I'm so different than her trying to apply her point of view to my life. She was always trying to convience me what to do specially in term of relationships. And, we are totally different. My life style and hobbies are different than her. Now, I stop calling her everyday and I feel better. I'm still in touch with her, but I try not to get too attached and not to ask her direction for my life.
We got to understand that each of us are so different. You can't even find two finger prints the same, then how can we find two people the same!!!
Try to find peace and happiness inside yourself, in your mind rather than outside.
I think this is really good for you that your friend is denying you. It's a good lesson for you. Take the apportunity and learn from the lesson.

with love
Marjan

Marjan,

You sound very wise. Thanks for your comments. It sounds like something that I needed to hear. Yes, I am putting too much thought into this relationship. One of my problems is OCD and I do obsess a lot about it. I obsessed a lot about it even when things were good between us. I had been planning on sending her a brief letter or it’s possible I would see her one day this week and then talk to her a little. Now, I’m not sure. Maybe it would be best to let time resolve it. It just seems like a lot of time has already passed.

You said, “Try to find peace and happiness inside yourself, in your mind rather than outside.” I realize it’s a mistake to try and find happiness in another person. But how do I find it within myself, where it really counts? Sometimes I just feel so empty inside. Then that leads to depression… Like right now I feel empty.

"I think this is really good for you that your friend is denying you. It's a good lesson for you. Take the opportunity and learn from the lesson." It seems to be a hard lesson to learn.

Dwayne61

Hi Dwayne61
You already got plenty of useful suggestions... So I just wanted to add my thought, even though I don't know if it will be of any help...
I was wondering... Are you sure that you asking if she wanted you to pay for her lunch is the reason of her odd behaviour? It seems very strange to me. You describe your friendship as a very solid one, I find it hard to believe that such a trifle could shake it like this. You even apologized and she said it was okay... I read you're writing her a letter. Well, I wouldn't insist on this if I were you. Telling her how you feel and asking what's wrong is a good idea imo, but I wouldn't mention what happened that day at lunch. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck

Hi *freak*,

Thanks for your comments. You did bring up a good point. I don't really think that's all of the problem. I've wondered if I had done or said something that I don't remember. If you read the part where I wrote about seeing her in the hospital, I was kind of surprised about what she had said later about not wanting me there. During the visit, everything seemed fine. When I seen her after she had been released, she acted different. I've wondered if any of this could be related to her Bipolar Disorder or Paranoid schizophrenia?

This is the letter I've wrote:

"I just wanted to write a brief note and say that I really do miss our friendship. I’ve thought a lot about you during the past several weeks. I miss all the times that we drank coffee together, I miss all the times that we watched movies and went out to eat. I miss hearing you laugh and I miss you making me laugh. To sum it up, you have really been a good friend to me.

I've reestablished contact with old friends and I'm doing other things to stay busy. But it just isn't the same without you as my friend. I really would love to talk to you."

well...finding peace and happiness within oneself needs constant practise and wish....It can take you years to get to that point but the good news is that it's duable
I am like you too...being so obsess with my thoughts and give them so much important while they are not important at all....The thing that is helping me now is lots of meditation and exercise....It helps big time...Also, reading inspiring or self help books will help too....however, you have to have wish to find the happiness within yourself and be consistant in your practise and have faith on it then by time you will be more relaxed and happy....
If you develop inner peace, then no matter what is the outside circumstances you will be happy....We are usually looking for happiness from outside such as finding a partner, changing a job or home or location or whatever and these are just giving us short term happiness, then we are misrable again.....ha...that sounds familier
If one develops compasion towards all beings and try to understand that all beings want to be happy and everybody has it's own problems and desires, then you won't feel sad or angry once somebody did something to you...you will forgive that person and accept the human condition and move on with your life....rather than being so clingy and wanting wanting something or somebody.....
In your friend's case, if you are a true friend and you feel compasion for her, then you should set her free and not bother her....right now, she wants to be away from you, she has lots of issues of her own, feel compasion for her and let her to deal with her life the way that she wants....she doesn't want to be with you now, so what? that's okay...you can go with somebody else and each time that you think about her just wish her happiness and try to think about something else....
You got to find the way by yourself....but as I told you before, meditation and exercise and reading are helping me a lot...you can join a meditation group in your neighbourhood, I'm sure there are plenty of them....search it on the internet....
good luck
Marjan

Marjan,
Thank you again for your support. What are some of the books you have read?

I went to a movie this afternoon with my niece. A large part of the time, my mind was nagging at me about what to do concerning my friend. I even thought I saw her at the movie, but it wasn’t her.

We had met at a program for group and individual counseling. Wednesdays are when she usually goes, so I thought I’d see her today. But she wasn’t there. Off and on all day I’ve been mentally going down the list of different things to do about this. Send her the letter, try calling her again, wait and see her at group sometime… Next month is her birthday. I could send her a card and the letter then. Or not even try to contact her at all.

The only real decision I’ve come up with is that I need to decide on something to do and just do it. Stop questioning myself. It’s driving me nuts.

The thing is, if she and I resolved our differences and became good friends again, I still have issues that are liable to interfere with the relationship again. Plus, she has issues that I have a hard time accepting.

Dwayne

Twice in my life I've been forced to reevaluate "friendship." The first was when I was injured and became total/permanent disabled. The second time was in 1992 after Hurricane Andrew changed the landscape and moved most everybody everyone knew into another place.

I used to have a pretty carte blanche definition of "friend." What I realized from the above situations is that it didn't fit. It didn't fit everyone, it didn't fit every circumstance. (I guess I always had it fit for "me" and that was that.) When I lost all my friends after the injury, and began to rebuild the base, and then lost those friends ...due to the disaster... I found that by making new definitions of "friend" allows me to have them.

I used to hold a friend title very dear, as that was someone who no matter what would drop everything to come help you (like I used to be, and still would for some people I know though they won't for me.) I had various words, such a "acquaintance" and "colleague" for others.

Now, I allow the use of "friend" for all of those and more. I don't expect to find someone who will drop everything for me if I need it. Losing that expectation allows me to open up friendship to more people, and not feeling disappointed because they don't measure up... the measuring fits most now.

Did that help explain? Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations. And really, making friends with someone who is paranoid in any way, is going to be difficult. Good wishes!

I'm just finishing the book called "Joy of Life"....It was fantastic, but it's about Buddhism, not sure if you are into it....There are plenty of books....

but honesty, if this is bothering you this much, why don't you pick up the phone right now and be honest with yourself and your feelings and tell her what you are killing yourself for....then you are this way or that way....

can I ask you how old you are?

besides, you are not alone in these kind of situation....I can't stop thinking about what has gone wrong with my ex boyfriend....if you read my postes, you will see how much obsess I am with him, although, I don't feel love for him at all....I think the part of rejection is bothering us...that's all! I say that, because before, when I broke up with him, I was okay and he was the one who was persuading me to get me back, then he did, then he dumped me....now I'm kinda pissed, but I don't persuade him....I just think why every single relationship that I go it goes to garbage....I was thinking this one would be good....but well...it wasn't!

by the way, there is another cool book you can read, it is called "Zahir"....it's about being obsess about another person and think about her all the time.....

with love
Marjan

Sky,

I think I understand what you're saying a little better. I believe I have too high expectations for my friends. Especially the one I've been talking about. I don't think she "measures up" based on my definition of what a best friend is.

Another friend at one time said that if I ever needed him to just call and he would drop whatever he was doing and come help me. He said he had the rest of his life to do whatever he needed to do. Guess what? I called him later and asked for help, but he was busy with his own life.

I have a tendancy to think in concrete terms. If someone tells me something like that, I take it literally.

Dwayne

Marjan,

I'm 48.

I've thought a lot about trying to call her, but I can come up with "reasons" not to do that. Actually, I did call her about a month ago. I didn't leave a message because she always tells me she doesn't know how to check her voice mail. If I do leave her a message and I don't hear from her, I wonder is it because she really didn't check her message or is it because she just doesn't want to talk to me? I can go on and on with this thought process about why I should or shouldn't do this or that. There are some other thoughts I have about this that I can't get sorted out right now.

Yes, I definately feel rejected. When she call to tell me she was having surgery and that I didn't have to visit her, I felt rejected big time. She loves to do crafts and is very good at it. She had made me a wreath for my door. I didn't realize just how hurt I was until I got home. I not only tore the wreath up, but one of her pictures as well. I know that sounds childish.

Another time that the rejection really hurt was when she asked me why I came to see her in the hospital when she told me not to. I was hurt so much that I almost told her that I wanted to end our friendship. I think the only reason that I didn't was because my therapist suggested that I don't do that.

Dwayne61

Hi Dwayne... How's it going? Did you give her the letter? I think that's the best thing you can do for now

Take care

Hi *freak*,

No, I haven't given her the letter yet. I'm still undecided on what to do.

Time will be the best solution for you....by time, you will know what to do....