Giving Little Parts of Ourself Away

I don't know the answer to your question. Maybe just think of my comment as food for thought. Something to just think about...

In my case, I had a pattern of being in abusive relationships. When in therapy, we worked on this. I had to ask my brothers and sister what mom and dad were like when we were growing up, because I didn't remember. This is when I learned our home situation wasn't a very pretty one and there was lots of violence, as mom and dad fought tooth and nail all the time.

On the other side of the coin, my dad worked very hard. He started out in the coal mines, but didn't stay long as he bought a used typewriter and taught himself how to type, and became a newpaper reporter and photographer....He was creative as he also wrote music and played the piano. I am told he even played the piano on tv a few times...I just have a hard time seeing him as ever being violent towards my mother, but the reality is that he was.

Maybe the subconscious is somehow working out un-resolved issues in childhood and we gravitate to those situations, so that they can somehow be resolved. I dunno....Just maybe something to think about.

My first marrage was when I was 17. I was young, stupid and had no conviction to stand up for myself. I had given up every single part of me. I was severely abused by my first husband and he had broke me down to the point that I was so afraid to challenge anything he had to say. We had two children together. I realized that this life was not healthy for the kids so I did the most courageous thing I knew and left. I left with nothing, litteraly.
I met my current husband, and out of fear of relationships and men I was very stubborn in the beginning of our relationship. I felt as thought after my first marriage I had given up all parts of me that I would not do that again. After all, I had two daughters to rasie and how would that warp their point of view. I wanted them to grow up being self confident, secure and never have to reply on a man for anything.
It took me years to actually beleive that my current hubby was one of the good guys in this world. I was so traumatized by the abuse I endured with hubby # 1 that it took me so long to realize that all men arnt abusers.
Like I said, I refused to compromise in the beginning of my relationship with current hubby because I was afraid too. He did all the compromising. He knew what I had been through and he totally healed me from all the fear I had felt from my 1st hubby. I thing hubby and I have a good relationship now. I feel that I am not giving up my existance when I make compromises with him.

I hope I didnt ramble on and I sure hope what I wrote makes sence. Thank you for posting this.

Looks to me like you have put together a few pieces of the puzzle. It really does make sense, and once we can recognize the pattern, we then can change it. And hopefully have better relationships in the future.

When the therapist first said these things, I totally rejected it. I didn't believe our childhood had anything to do with our adult life. And one day I noticed things my husband did that my parents did. It is almost funny, that my husband resembles my father's looks. Of course, not every aspect of our adult relationships can be referenced to childhood, but there can be a fine line of truth, or as the therapist would say, a thread that links, if we look.

Your post made a lot of sense. The good thing that you did was "not compromise" in the beginning. I think healthy relations are take and give. When there is a balance, of taking and giving, this can then be part of a foundation for healthy relationships. But when one is always doing the giving, or giving up, it should be a red flag that something here just isn't right........

Sounds like you found a great hubby ... You took the chance and it paid off.. Not all men are abusive.. This is sooo true. I don't hate men. I like them lots.. Be a sad world without them. I get along better with men on the friendship level...Maybe someday that will change...I can see it all now.. lol... Me and this old geezer, sitting on the rocken chair on the front porch, watching the birds making nests in the oak tree...sipping on ice tea.. lol

.

I forgot something that happened when I was about 25. I had been accepted into veterinary school and a professor that was walking by heard my counselor and I talking, said this, "I cannot believe that you feel all right about taking a man's place in school here, I'll remember you!"........can you frigging believe it? Of course I didn't get to go, so I'm sure he was happy, having defended the right of the male to go to school without competing with "girls".....you know if I could find that man now, I'd have Hank Hill kick his ***.

Wants, this is really a good subject. you've made me think more this weekend about my future than i have in weeks. i'm cautious as it is, but the reminder of the compromises has helped me. i'm on my life path now.......nursing school, here i come.....damn the torpedos or whatever that manly saying was....

Hi, W,
I have not read all the posts on this thread, and wanted to reply before doing so. There is a fellow who wrote a book called "The Mirages of Marriage" a long time ago, and advanced the idea of 'quid pro quo.'

It's the idea (as I understand it) of tit-for-tat or you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours; something for something. And, I thought it was a totally interesting view of relationship issues.

So, one doesn't just change to suit the other, they have open discussions about what they want, what trade-offs they're willing to make, for each person. So, it does NOT end up with one person giving up parts of themselves or their souls, in order to make the relationship work. It puts it on a balanced playing field.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. After I put my then-husband through Harvard grad school, and it was "my turn" to go for my doctorate....he just happened to lose interest in things. So, I put myself thru as a single mom, student loans, and many jobs (some of which I regret because it so got in the way of me and my son).

So, quid pro quo may not be that romantic, but if it is done up front it can sure be a LOT more equitable than what some relationships are based on. The author didn't say EVERY part of a relationship should be that way, he was more approaching the idea of resolving differences. And, I like the idea.

And, being a "raging feminist" (because I'm pretty old) I don't worry about all the girdle/lipo/makeup/skin cream issues so much. Well, ok, I would like to find something (a skin cream) for all my wrinkles, and used to have to great products, but can't afford them now. But, if someone doesn't like my size or weight, etc. too bad for them! It's sort of like my attitude toward visitors: Love me, love my dogs. If someone doesn't love my dogs, they really aren't that welcome here.

So, if someone wants to criticize me for my lack of beauty, fine...I do not mind at all serving as a bad example for someone insecure enough to have to compare themselves to others in order to feel good. I'm just gonna do what feels right.

I don't know that I've expressed this all that well; I hope it is comprehensible.

Shar

"Full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes!"

That's me, Baby!

you go girl!!!!!! lol

HUH? Did I say that?? lol I'm out of steam today.

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So, if someone wants to criticize me for my lack of beauty, fine...I do not mind at all serving as a bad example for someone insecure enough to have to compare themselves to others in order to feel good.

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Exactly! I share your sentiments!

As for "quid pro quo" that may be the only way to get through to someone that doesn't know how to be very giving. Maybe I should try that...

Howdy!

In the book, quid pro quo was presented as a way of maintaining balance. And, I think, balance is a good basis for relationships...as much as we can achieve it.

It is highly unlikely, IMO, that we will "become one" or any of that. In longer term relationships, it is a matter of learning to live together as happily as possible.

So, being honest about the areas in which you feel your partner "doesn't know how to be very giving" could be a very good thing.

I appreciate your reply.

shar

When love, caring and 30 yrs haven't brought about amicability, it's time to start doing something different, isn't it?

Really glad for YOUR post. Maybe there will be some peace in this relationship after all. Thanks so much!

I have been reading all the posts to this. Wow what a reality check you all have given me. I've read in different post about no self esteem, and basically giving and getting nothing in return. That's the situtation I'm in now. I've given in for 18 years and not getting in return. Self esteem...what's that? I haven't seen that in years. I have found though at times I have turned very bitter and angry. But does that make me do what I need to do for me? Nope I still keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I know that only I can change my life, but getting the courage to do so is alot harder than it sounds. I do think we get to a point where it almost seems normal to be treated like this because we have forgotten what it was like to treated good, and to have that self esteem we once had. And like me I have 2 teenage daughters who I preach to constantly about "don't let anyone break you down", " stand up for what you know is right" and the one I use the most "do not be anyone's doormat" but I know it's hard for them to understand me saying this to them when they see me be "the doormat" everyday. I think this is a very good topic and one that I hope all younger members see and take to heart.

okie, your statement about the younger women that will see this thread and learn from it is very important to me also. both my daughters have been in awful relationships. one is married now, to a wonderful man, and the other is still single...we just keep giving and giving and giving and then there comes the day that we can't find ourselves anymore.......xoxo

Yes, Indeedy! I love the way you are telling your daughters not to be doormats (except I have a doormat that says "GO AWAY" given to me by a dear friend.)

I should warn folks that this is an old book , but I think it has a lot of value. So here is the synopsis/or whatever.

However. I'm going to try to attach a file about the book and it's focus which is DECIDEDLY not doormat oriented, and would encourage you to peruse it at your leisure.

well, here goes: round and round the wheel goes, where it stops, nobody knows.....

Hope it is interesting reading....Except, I didn't see the Church thingy at first. I'm not a very 'churchy' person.

Anyhow, if anybody gets anything out of it, great.

Shar

I can't seem to get my attachment to word-wrap in a reasonable fashion, so if you're interested, I guess you'll have to suffer, or maybe download it and reformat it! Sorry.

On my local computer it looks fine, but...not here. Still, I hope, some interesteing food for thought.

Sorry,
shar

at least you tried, dear Shar........read my post in General.......

It's not that big a deal handling the attachment. I copied and pasted it to my Word processor and it did it all for me. The font is really tiny so I made it easy on myself and printed it out with Courier New at 14.

The reason you're having trouble with it is because it has all the HTML code hidden in it. Word takes care of that.

Thank you so much!! Can't wait to get into it!

Shar, I found the book at the library. Can't wait to get to the nuts and bolts of the thing. So glad you suggested it! Thanks!

Hi, Sept.,
I'd like to know your ideas about the book if/when you get a chance to look at it. (However, if you think I'm an idiot for recommending it, please send the fiery "this sucks" email as a pm to me, and the "don't bother" (milder version) post to the thread). How's that for no self-esteem??


Shar

Jane Fonda is making the talk-show circuit about her new book. She was talking tonight about . . . giving little pieces of herself away. She said -- And I've never needed a man to support me financially. I felt the need to give an award-winning performance as the "good little woman" and not say anything and try to please my man or be the good codependent or whatever you want to call.

Quite an eye-opener when someone like Fonda, whose "had it all" thinks that she gave too much of herself away!

Don't worry. I'm not gonna say anything mean. LOL I went directly to the communications chapter. It was making sense till "he" got ticked at me and I haven't picked up the book since. But hey! I didn't read Women Are From Venus, etc. until after we broke up the first time. Don't give up on me yet, ok?