I need strength

PFM...
Your aunt made some valid statements, and what I believe I'm hearing you say is
"OS, I didn't think it would be this damn hard but I'm going to do it. I am willing to do the work involved, there are people who care enough to help me, and I deserve to be treated with respect."

I don't know if you are familiar with Jeff Foxworthy and the Blue Collar Comedy tour and his brand of humor?
there's usually a comment made about something unusual happening, then this is said, "There's your sign."
You got your sign...

Catherine brings up a good point, with your husband being in the military, not only is spousal abuse illegal, it's against the UCMJ. You actually have more resources in place to protect you than a civilian, don't be afriad to tap into them!

Is it normal? Now I'm sad. Sad at the thought of not seeing him for a long time... Why is it that there are so many emotions involved with this? I've gone 2 months without seeing him for basic, about 5 months without seeing him but once a month for AIT, 4 months not seeing him for his first deployment than 15 months on his second.

Why am I sad? After all of this crap he's put me through, all the tears, all the nights being terrified from certain things, all the pain... Why am I sad? What is wrong with me? It's so frustrating, what kind of a person am I to miss such a man?

I keep thinking about Sunday night... Our last night in the same house... What will I do? Will I hug him or kiss him? Will I even sleep in our bed? He's not a terrible man, he just has really bad anger problems, it was the way he was raised. Now I'm making excuses for him but I can't help it!

Always making excuses... So with everything he's done, every fight every broken item, every ounce of pain... How can I be sad?

Panic... Panic attack... Am I doing the right thing? Will this ruin my life? Why can't I just have some break from these emotions, from this sadness this fear this everything... Need a break... Can't leave... Have to leave.... Oh gosh...

Pfm....
this is how I felt when Raoul told me I couldn't go back to Erik.
I was constantly arguing with myself.....should I go back? Should I not?
It's not easy to make the right choice! I KNOW that for a fact!!
But once you do, you feel NOTHING but relief and serenity!!
You CAN do this!!
you CAN get away!!
All my love,
(Kay)Christine

Of course it's natural to be sad. You're grieving a failed relationship. You loved him, you tried everything you could to make it work and it was not enough.

PFM...
Why do you think that you shouldn't be sad?
You are grieving over what was and what could have been...there is nothing wrong with you. These are intense feelings you are working through, and I applaud your honesty in sharing about your confusion.

Making excuses? Perhaps it's closer to grappling with reasons for his behavior. Trying to make sense of what has happened, the why of it, and knowing in your heart that there is no reason that gives him the right to abuse you in any form...Any.

Whenever we step out of our comfort zone, it's scary. That comfort zone may be a painful and awful place to be; it is still familiar, though.
Recognizing that your comfort zone has become increasingly dangerous for you and your daughter is not something that happened over night. Jmo, but you had to dig deep within yourself to make the decision to change it...

Posting here about your mixed emotions is good for you to do, others are sharing what has worked for them and have given you encouragement and insight...
No one has said it would be easy, only that it is worth it.

Think about this...would you rather be struggling to make that change to a better life for you and your daughter
or staying with him and endangering both of you?
Does endangering sound harsh? I make no apology for saying it. Staying with an abusing spouse can escalate very quickly...
Your daughter...how sad it would be for her to grow up thinking that it was all right for Daddy to hit Mommy, then get into the same type of abusive hell because she didn't know any better...had no frame of reference for what a healthy relationship should be.
Her chances of doing that are greater than the chances that she won't...

Re the strength? It's already there...you've been strong enough to get through his abuse, right? You are strong enough to get through walking away from it.

It's time to ride it out, PFM.
You have people here and in real life that are going to do their best to walk with you through this...but you have to take the first step.
Love yourself enough to do it.

In Peace

My Dad and Mom fought all of our childhood, and they both were mentally abusive to us because they were unhappy together. Now, we have two old people who are still unhappy and a lifetime of horrible memories. All three of us have problems because of the constant fighting and misery. I hope this helps you walk out that door and never look back! Good Luck!!

Thanks everyone for all of your replies. None of my threads have gotten so much positive (if you can call it that) feedback. For a while I thought everyone was against me on this site but now I think it was probably my emotions clouding my judgement. It's actually really nice to know that the pc family will be there for me even though I spend all day every day complaining about my situation. It helps me feel less alone.

I still plan to leave. Monday morning at 9 my friend is going to come over here to help me pack the car and she's going to also stand guard in case he comes home. If he comes home she will call the police only to have them come to help protect me in case he gets out of hand. I'm actually very thankful right now that he has started to become mean again. It's scary because the smallest things make him snap but good because as long as he keeps this up I wont hesitate to leave.

I just wish someone would have warned me how hard it was going to be and all of the emotions and mood swings I would be going through. But none the less I know it will be worth it in the end.

I keep telling myself that I have to do this for Alyssa and yet I still sometimes can't find the strength. I think I'm having a hard time with it because I know if I really admit to myself that this is a terrible place for her, that I will be angry with myself for staying in the first place and allowing her to see what she's already seen.

I will do this though... I tell people in here all the time, especially people with EDs... No matter what your heart and mind are telling you, YOU are the one in control of your body and all you have to do is take that first step. Make your legs move. That's what I will have to do. Ignor my heart and make my legs move. Once I'm out the door and on the road things will be much easier. I just have to take the first step. And the first step is the one I'm dreading the most.

I am so glad to hear this.

Golly... Now I'm seeing just how much this man has brainwashed me.

For starters... He has made me believe the way he treats me is my fault. If I would have spent more time with him and done every thing he's said I wouldn't have been hurt.

Than... I'm a beautiful girl, I know that... As much as I curse my face, I know it would be easy to find another man... But still there is his voice in the back of my head... "He wont love you, no one will every love you. No one will treat you as well as I do. You will be nothing without me. No one will put up with you. You are lucky to have me"

And lastly... Everything he's done, all the excuses I give him. He makes me believe I am crazy and that certain things never happened or aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Trigger warning... Like the time he choked me and covered my mouth and plugged my nose, wont get into too many more details. Now I'm starting to think it was an accident even though it happened many times that night. That maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought...

My mind is no longer mine. My thoughts are controlled by him. My entire existance is controlled by him. How do I begin to find myself again? How do I begin to let go of this hold he has over me?

You get yourself some serious therapy. You continue coming here and talking to us, and most importantly, you pray.

Oh yes it is, PFM...your mind is yours and yours alone.
You can counteract every negative thought by repetitively reassuring yourself that it is not true.
Your existence is not controlled by him--unless you give him that power.

Finding yourself?
You can start doing it only when you are out of that situation.

Brainwash you? You're damn right about that statement and acknowledgment!
Doubting yourself now, right? Don't do it or you will talk yourself out of doing the healthiest thing you need to do...

Let go of this hold he has on you?
You've already started, PFM. The actions you have put into place; staying with your aunt, seeing the JAG lawyer, a friend helping you move/knowing you may be in danger...and most likely a myriad of small things that has brought you to this point.

Please remember you are getting away from a person who has robbed you of your dignity, your self esteem, and your security.

Catherine

PFM,

You have such wonderful support here from everyone......keep up your courage.....focus your mind on leaving & don't let anything get in the way of your goal. Nice acts are just that, acts.

What you are sad about is the relationship you dreamed it was going to be when you got married & it didn't turn out to be what your dream said it was going to be.....that is what you are grieving. You are grieving that he didn't turn out to be the husband you needed or expected him to be. You are grieving that reality isn't anything like your dreams & dreams are hard to let go of. But the only thing we have is reality to focus on & to drive what we need to do in our life.

The only safe place for you & your daughter is away from this man......don't allow anything to cloud the reality of your situation.

You can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.

We are all backing you here....& will give you continual encouragement.....there isn't anything that makes people more angry is when a husband hurts his wife & daughter with unbridled anger......don't let him talk you into coming back either by promising anger management......Never go back for any promises......actions speak louder than words.

You will look back after accomplishing this move & sigh a huge sigh of relief & be proud of yourself for finding that inner strength that is takes to make this move......we can only give you encouragement.......you have to take the action.....but we are here with you all the way.

Have you ever watched the movie "Sleeping with the emeny"? It is about a woman who is abused by her husband & she fakes her death in a boating accident (after she took swimming lessons with a fear of water).....& starts a new life. The fear she had after running away was there even after she left. It's not easy.....but I have found that the right things we really need to do in life are NEVER EASY. But that doesn't mean we can't do it.


Debbie

Bad bad bad... Throwing things... Have to stay away to stay out his reach... Outside on patio on phone now... I want to go tonight just get her and everything and go...

Then do it! Call the police for assistance and do it!

He ended up calming down and tried to hug and kiss and apologize and said he wanted to buy me something expensive and asked what I wanted... I told him I wanted nothing from him and walked away. He's calmish now but I don't care what he says or does, I'm going to try to get out of here first thing in the morning. I'll call the police to protect me while I gather my things if I have to. I am no longer sad, no longer panicky I am just plain ticked and ready to be out and away from him. I don't care which vehicle I take, don't care if I have the other ID, don't care about anything but getting out of here. I'm doing laundry to disguise myself getting my clothes together and I'll just throw all my kids clothes together tomorrow... I think I have a plan and I have to be out of here asap

PFM...
Just a suggestion, ok?
You may want to call the police beforehand so they are there when you start to leave. It's occured to me that he may lose his temper and attempt to stop you...if the police are already there, he will most likely control his temper.
Please understand that I am not trying to scare you...but you have to try and be prepared for his reaction.

Getting you out of there safely is the most important thing right now; everything else can be taken care of later.

Know that you are in our thoughts...please let us know how you are doing, ok?
We Care
I Care

In Peace

I have it all planned now. In the morning I will wake up and get the kids dressed and in the car... I will go to an atm and withdraw my money. After that I will call the person who outranks him and is in charge of him (just sneakily got the number) and tell him that he needs to remove my husband from our home. Not for long but just a couple hours and I'll call him back once I'm gone. That way the husband doesn't take anything to spite me. I will stay gone and wait until he's been removed. Once his is removed I will pack our things and leave. They will not let him return to the home until I am gone. I am also going to say it's just me and the kids taking a "break" until we get councelling. So hopefully he wont destroy my most sentimental things on his way out the door.

Perfectly safe... Just have to keep this anger and use it to fuel my bravery to call tomorrow. But it will be done, I will get my life back and my kids WILL have a loving home. Maybe a poor home but it will be loving and if this marriage hasn't taught me anything else... It taught me that money does NOT buy happiness... Not even close

PFM,
My heart is with you as you start this new journey...

Poor home? No home that is filled with love and respect, laughter, and security is ever poor...

In Peace
Catherine

It's done. Took out 800 and called someone to go pick him up. Waiting for him to leave before I go back.

Stay strong my friend....God will help you....and you are in my thoughts and prayers....

My prayers are with you.....stay safe & stay with the plan asl long as it's working.....punt or go to a plan B if anything happens.....but keep going & don't look back.

Stay safe.....we are all here supporting you & helping you with any courage you may need.

Debbie

On the road 200 miles down 1600 to go. Got ticket almost went to jail kids crying in backseat all my things back there. Keep pushing no going back no looking back. This will be worth it in theend. Taking my life and my kids life back. Don't know how I did it but I did. No more pAin of any sort from him

Didn't you tell the police man that you had to speed to get away from your husband as you were escaping for your life? I have been so lucky....most of the police that have stopped me let me go with only a warning......& I don't even say anything....must be the pathetic look in my eye when they stop me.

Contragulations on getting out of there......glad you have a destination you are aiming for. I didn't have to escape like you did, but ended up almost 2200 miles away from my husband.....best thing I ever did also.....

So proud of you taking the courage & going with it rather than staying scared.....you are definitely a good model for others who go through similar situations......know you are not alone in what you went through either......there are many who feel trapped. I am sure that feeling of freedom from fear will keep you going for a long time & keep you focused on setting up your own home & your own secure loving family for your kids.

We are here for you all the way....keep checking in....I know that was what got me across the country also.....there were many here that were with me all the way in that part of my move.

I am sooooooooooo glad that you are out of there and well on your way!!!