My bf is still unemployed after months :-(

My bf moved in with me (Pittsburgh, PA) from Wyoming about 2 months ago. Ever since he moved in he has been slacking on looking for work. He even admitted to me he was slacking cuz he is afraid he won't be able to get to and from work on time. He doesn't drive so he'd have to take a bus and he isn't that familar with the bus system yet. I have told him i'd help him in any way that i could and i gave him some bus schedules. Plus, he has a GPS on his phone. Also, I think that it's pretty easy to get to the main areas where he could find a job on a bus. It seems to me that he is just slacking cuz he doesn't want to work. He knew before he moved that he would have to find a job though. We haven't run into any problems with the rent or bills yet and that is because his parents keep sending him money while he's unemployed to cover expenses. I think that is another reason why he doesn't want to look for a job. He has only really applied for like 2 jobs so far and i helped him to apply for 1 of them (which he found out he didn't get). He doesn't have any real relevant work experience as it is. He has been working on a Ranch for his parents for the past 5 years. Before that he was a full time college student and he dropped out cuz he lost interest. He is 30 years old now and i'm afraid if he doesn't get a job soon, he'll never get one. He just has a bad havit of putting things off. I really do love him so i don't want this relationship to fail, but i can't wait around forever for him to get a job. Do you think i'm being unreasonable here? It has always been important to me to make my own money and be somewhat Independent. He told me that he was the same way before he moved, but now i'm beginning to wonder if he was just saying that.

I have already talked to him about how this makes me feel and he keeps saying he will go out to look for a job every week, but then he ends up putting it off again. I haven't even brought up the subject that much cuz i was trying to give him a break so he'd feel good.

This is really frustrating. I believe if he would have been looking more, he could have found a job a long time ago. I want him to do this for himself mainly, but he doesn't seem to have good self esteem.

I am thinking of telling him that I will not go out and do fun things with him until he finds a job. What do you think? I am not really sure how to get through to him.

Wow...thirty. I am responding because i am also a job hunting slacker. I would rather jump out of a perfectly good airplane than look for a job...and yes i have jumped. But you know once i get working on it i feel better with every job i apply for. He is not looking because mom and dad are paying the bills. I think it is a good idea not to pay for fun things until he lands that job. He has applied for three jobs? I can do that in less than a day. The trick is to have him stay so busy that he will not have time to wallow in rejection. Hang tough!

Thanks for the input. Yea, i know i'm certainly not paying for any fun things until he gets a job, but the thing is I usually didn't. He usually offers to take me out and pay with the money he gets from his parents (which i don't think is right to do so i usually refuse to go with him). He admitted to me yesterday that he wasn't really looking for a job cuz he didn't have to since he had enough money. So that basically tells me that he doesn't consider my feelings. He just said to stop nagging him when I told him that he should have been looking for jobs sooner. Then i really got upset with him when he told me to stop treating him like he's an Idiot. I don't feel that i treat him that way. It really hurts that he thinks that way about me. If i don't try to help him look for jobs then he'll totally brush it off. He isn't being an Idiot, but he needs a push in order for things to get done apparently.

I don't know if i can really be in this anymore if he won't consider my feelings too. We get into fights about stupid stuff like every 2 days or so and it's really dragging me down. We don't speak to each other for an entire day when he have a fight which really isn't good. We aren't currently speaking to each other. I don't want to speak to him unless he wants to resolve the issues here. He never acts like he wants to talk about the issues. He usually just acts like it never happened after we fight. That isn't helping me at all. It's making me resent him more and more.

The description of your mood tells me you are quite upset about what is going on. Since you talked about your expectations before he moved in, I do not think you are being unreasonable. There is a trust issue here too. If you cannot rely on what he is telling you, I expect the problems you write about will only get worse.

Most states have an agency that will help those who are looking for a job to find one. Some testing is done to determine interests, aptitudes and qualifications for various jobs. After the testing, the applicant is notified of openings for those jobs he is qualified for.

If your friend has emotional issues, perhaps he needs to talk to a therapist. Importantly, you stand the risk of experiencing emotional difficulties without progress towards resolving this issue. You may even want to consider joint counseling at some point.

Another option is the one you suggest, stating what you expect of him, giving him a deadline and explaining the consequences of his failure to follow through.

What complicates your situation, of course, is how much you care for your friend. For years Ann Landers had a great response to readers that asked if she thought that they should get a divorce. Ann's question was: "Are you better off with him or without him?"

Only you can decide. Good luck.

Thanks. Yes, i think i need to suggest for him to see a therapist if he's having a tough time. I asked if he was depressed yesterday and he told me he wasn't though. It just seems like he doesn't think it's a big issue for him to get a job. He is putting it off cuz he is doing okay right now with money. He told me before he moved that he would start looking for a job right away though (like within 1-2 weeks). I don't want to do anything drastic and just call it quits without really trying, but i do think i need to talk to him about my expectations. Also, he doesn't really know anyone in the area and he moved a far distance to be with me so i really don't want to kick him out. I am afraid that i might be stuck in this if things don't work out in the long run.

Hi Melinda,

Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine. I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years because I couldn't find a job. I was trying, very hard, but still our relationship ended over it. He needs to know this is a serious thing. He needs to know that even though he may have money now, the smart thing for anyone to do is to continue to work and build up a savings, resume, and some sort of network in the working community. Not only that but it shows character when someone can get up every day, go to work, preform efficiently, and repeat it daily. I am not sure how he is ok with sitting around every day and not working. I'm going crazy (literally lol) sitting around my apt all day every day, calling every job advertisement I see.

So, while I don't think you're irrational for wanting him to get a job, I think you need to bring it up with him in a serious manner. Ask him if he ever wants to progress in life, go on vacations, buy a house, perhaps even have children (though that may be pushing a boundry). You can't just expect to have a strong life together with money from his parents, and not saving anything at this point is really silly, especially considering he's 30.

Anyway, I feel very familiar with your situation. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. GL.

Melinda,

How about volunteering work? I am sure a city like Pittsburgh needs many volunteers for a variety of organizations . This will help him to meet other people (networking) and it might also increase his self confidence.

Good luck.

Thanks guys. I fully agree with what you said, A_Long_Ways. This isn't even really about money. The issue at hand is the fact that he is slacking so much and shrugging it off like it's just a little thing. It gives me very little hope that we'll be able to have a good future together. He needs to get started in building his resume at least.

Also, I know he drinks everyday, but he has told me that he isn't dependent on alcohol and I know he doesn't drink really early in the day. He used to see a therapist in Wyoming once a week, but he said he was doing a lot better for awhile and just went to his therapist cuz he enjoyed talking to him so he said he didn't need to find another therapist around here.

I work at the Red Cross actually and so i know about volunteer opportunities. I have mentioned volunteering to him and he didn't seem interested in it. He doesn't see what the point is if he's not getting paid for it.

Two red flags: First flag: Has he ever held a job other than for his parents? You mentioned that he went to college and lost interest. Then he "worked five years for his parents." Has he ever been out there, pounding the streets, competing with all the regular Joe's looking for honest work? Or, has mommy and daddy footed the bills and supported his lifestyle and drinking habits?

Second flag: The drinking. No motivation, no ethics, no pride, no job, lots of drinking. Does this sound promising to you? Exactly what is it that is keeping you interested in this fellow? Let's imagine for a moment that it's ten years down the road and you have two children running around while holding down a full-time job and he still hasn't figured out the bus routes and still hasn't found a job. Does this look like something that you are interested in pursuing? Oh, I forgot to mention that now he starts drinking earlier in the day these days and by 1pm, he's asleep in his easy chair and forgot to do the dishes and feed the kids and do the laundry and shop for dinner. When you get home, you have to tend to all of that. Now do you think you are being unreasonable?

I agree with Vickie on this. It would be a entire different issue if he was trying to find work. I myself have very strong issues with something like this. This guy is 30. It seems to me he has no motivation to do anything in his life. His parents are enabling him. I would just tell him. Hey you need to do something with yourself. If not then don't let the door hit you in the @$$.

No, technically he hasn't had a job other than for his parents. He isn't the only person though. You guys are being quick to judge him based on his job history, but nobody is perfect and i don't expect him to be. I just get frustrated with him at times, but i really do think he's a sweet and caring person. He shows me more affection and love than anyone i've ever been with and never stays angry for a long time. He moved here all the way from Wyoming which was a pretty big leap. He has to be willing to change his life around since he already made that change. I did have a talk with him and things have been better with us since. I stressed to him that our relationship will not be able to work out if he doesn't get a job soon. He told me he has like $1,000 in his bank account still and so he wasn't looking for work cuz he hasn't been hurting for money. Also he didn't realize how important this issue was to me so i think i made him realize now. He assured me he'd start looking more for jobs now so hopefully he will find something soon. We are not planning on having any kids so i'm not worried about raising a family. It isn't like we've been living together for a few years. We've only been living together a few months so he hasn't had a fair enough chance yet. I'm not saying that i'm going to wait a few years for him to find a job though. I think he should find something before the end of the year really since he will be looking.