Age

A friend recently asked me my opinion on a potential (?) relationship. She's in her 40's oldest child is 22ish and a 20 yr old has started showing interest in her. At first I just thought she was looking for ideas on how to turn this very nice young man down without hurting his feelings, later I realized she's seriously concidering dating him.

As I said, he's 20 which is definately an adult, but so is her youngest child. In fact he dated her daughter's best friend for a couple years in high school.

I haven't really been able to share my opinion with her (shocking I know) because I cannot seperated the fact that I'm a couple years younger than she is and he's younger than my own children. It seems preditory to me. I told her to discuss it with her kids instead. She did not like this answer, stating that they're adults and so is she and she has to live her life for herself at some point.

So what do you think, just my own issues? If she was 50s and he 30s, somehow it wouldn't seem to be quite so icky.

Icky is a good word.....

I am in my 40's and have a son nearly 21, to consider a relationship with anyone younger than me is not a nice one.

However if this was a male being the older we was discussing then for some reason it isnt so bad which in itself is weird.

On the other hand how would I feel if this was my son who is still 20 we was talking about ? As long as he is happy I really wouldn't care !

So I think I am in the place of 'if it rocks your boat' then go for it.

I have found, to my continuing consternation, that sometimes we just have to let people have their pain. Even trying to diminish it only pushes the end game out.

This young man has a fantasy which has seeded one in your friend. Though technically both are adults, it is easy to see the childishness of the plan. It will end in pain.

If I was offering advice...it would simply be..."I am your friend and I will be here for you but this will end in tragedy"....

Lenny

Well...this is interesting.

She's an adult. The man she's interested in is an adult. Where is the issue?
Because she is the senior of the two? Hmmm.

I fail to see where her 'adult kids' have anything to do with her choice of who she has relations with.

I agree with your friend. It's her life to live.
She isn't violating anyone or anything for having interests in someone because he is half her junior.
If she were the 20 year old, and he in his 40's, it's "naturally" acceptable???
Grrrr. This limited mentality baffles me.

If they're happy....All's good...right? They'll have what they'll have, whether it works out, or not. Sooooo....where's the issue? I fail to see one.
But I'm just an old..er woman successfully invested into a relationship with a youngin half my junior, (who is only 3 years older than my own son), so...Imma biased...

Shangrala

Hi AAA,


Yes this is just your own issues. I think you were being evasive in bieng straightforward with your friend by saying why don't you ask your children?

I wouldn't like that answer either.

Better to just comeone out and say I think its icky . Its your shame you putting onto her ..

Growing up I had a VERY close neighbor with whos daughter I was best friends with for many years . We parted closeness when she went into highschool bieng two years older than myself. The mother of my friend just sent me a family portraight in the mail two weeks ago.

She was married to a man for maybe five or so years, her own age , after she graduated from colledge. It ended in divorse . She had no children.

She is a school teacher and she began dating one of her students who was only 18. She was over thirty I believe. They got married and have 4 beautiful children. all girls. And she was a highschool cheerleader, one of the most beautiful girls in highschool.

I know nothing about thier day to day dynamics. A couple of her girls are now married with children. Looks like the first husband was with holding children from her. She is now around 56 and looks 40 and they are still together. My friend comes from a hard working store owning family .

I having been in one relationship where the man was 11 years my senior . That was enough for me to see I wouldn't want a younger man .

But lately I have to tell you . There is a younger man who is SO sweet and intrested in what I do . Its refreshing. I just enjoy his attentiveness for what it is I would never date him ever if he asked . Its just nice knowing there are men out there that are like that. He must think Im alot younger than I am. And right now hes the only man intrested at all.

I can see WHY an older woman would want to be with a younger caring man who is not tarnished and hardened and angry and mistrustful.

Doesn't anyone want that.? And when your fourty . or fifty .Most of the men you meet have already been married may have children and are not always full of energy ,enthusiasum, .or appreciation , for all a woman can do .. Who wouldn't be drawn to that .if thats what this young man is capable of ? we are all souls and some beautiful mature old souls are i very young bodies.

I don't get inbetween anyones choice in who they are with just in how they treat one another.

Patricia

hi there... just felt the need to put my little bit of input into this conversation.... im 38, and have 3 children, the eldest being 20... my partner, or should i say ex partner as he has just left me AGAIN today is 26....

the reason why i used capitals with the again is because i genuinely believe that due to his age, he finds the upping and leaving and coming back again the next day or whatever totally acceptable.... whereas myself, being 38 really cannot be bothered with all that again... ive been there done that when i was his age... so in my opinion, which by no way, shape or form, is the absolute correct opinion, i believe mentally, men are younger than women anyway... so put to that a big gap in their ages too, well judging by my past experiences with my younger partner, an emotional rollercoaster may well be on the cards... i do hope not, i genuinely want everyone to feel happiness in their lives, so will wish your friend the very best of luck and my best wishes and sincerity if she decides to go through with it

Bingo!
I was attracted to Kristian NOT because he's youthful, but because he is far more real than most men I've met to date.
We just....clicked. A natural attraction without effort. We ARE meant to be. Simple as that.
I often times forget that he is half my age because of who he truly is.
It's what he IS on the inside that I'm attracted to, (whats on the outside is a bonus to the package....lucky me.....).

Shangrala

I would have just told her that do what you want, but I don't agree with it. I'm not going to lie, my daughter just turned 18, and I would be pissed as hell if she came and told me that she's dating a guy my age. If it was my boys I seem to think that it would be a little different. If one of my boys was only 20, I seem to think that my son would just use the woman. I do agree that there does seem to be a difference between just turning 20 then almost 30. When kids are 20 they are just starting out. Older 20's they seem to be around a little bit. Idk, I can't see one of my sons being with a woman that age, and the woman expecting that my son is going to pay her bills, and give her everything she needs emotionally.

My son asked a woman out who was in her thirties when he was nineteen he tried to shock me when he told me ! It didn't work I am unshockable ...

To be honest I couldn't see him having the emotional stability to give a woman older than him.

I agree with everything JerryMichele said. I've never even been a fan of men being with women half their age. Sure it might be great in the beginning but what happens when she's 60 and he's forty - will he still be interested. What about kids? If she does get involved it will probably be a short affair until the fireworks die down. I wouldn't want my daughter marrying an older man and if I had a son, I would feel the same.
If I were her friend I would just be honest and give your opinion - this isn't something you would do, but she should do what she pleases. I think if she's not realistic with herself, she will end up disappointed and its a lesson she needs to learn on her own.

I really haven't expressed an opinion either way. I absolutely love the young man, but I see him as just that, a young man... that we both saw grow up, and he's still growing. She's actually from this area, so she knew him literally from birth. I wouldn't be able to go from changing someone's diapers (as an adult) to seeing him/her as a possible love interest. I never socialized with the boy's parents, but she did, I think that the relationship between her and the boy's parents would be strange at best.

The reason I suggested that she talk to her children about it is because I cannot see bringing someone into my life that would make my children (whatever their age) unhappy or uncomfortable. Since this boy was very much a part of her daughter's life as a friend, I would think hearing what she thinks (along with her son) would be important, but that's just me. Maybe they wouldn't care a bit, I don't know and I'm certainly not the one that is going to discuss it with them. But even though I don't think they should be able to dictate their mother's life, I do think their opinion is important.

If she does decide that this is the relationship she wants, I can see a problem socializing. He's very charming, but he goes out of his way to irritate me in childish ways. He always has, that's our shtick. He does something he knows will get under my skin until I comment on it. And I'm not going to stop telling him to sit up, chew with his mouth closed and not slurp his soup just because he happens to be dating a friend of mine.

Granted, a relationship based on those realities AND being successful is VERY rare...yet, they DO exist.

Believe me, I can't help but to encounter that very fear. It IS a reality of mine that I'm doing my very best to deal with. In fact, it is the ONLY fear that I have regarding what Kristian and I share.
And you know...I would have already given into that fear and let us go a few times now, IF it weren't for Kristian's love, support, reassurance, strength and faith in us....for 3 years, (heading into 4), now....and despite of how I have laid all the REAL realities out to him, he's STILL there for me.

Although Kristian has supported me to overcome "most" of my fear, (it still lingers, sure), I have realized that having someone like Kristian, who loves me unconditionally as I AM...accepted me at the age I AM now, for who I AM inside....to allow that to go without first giving it an honest try, would be to deprive myself at a very possible chance at real happiness.
For me, (even if it does end up succumbing to what I fear most), the time spent together obtaining what happiness he can offer until that point, is well worth chancing facing that fear becoming a reality.

I used to think, "if only I was younger", or...all the many, many other "if only's", but he's made me realize what's the point of fighting something that simply IS?
I must emphasize, though,it is not an easy arrangement. It's definately not for most. It has it's many, many high prices. For us, several that have yet to be paid, but a debt well worth the principle.
Nuff bout meh...(went on far too long already. My apology).

If this is something that she wants to try with someone equally willing, I wish them the best.
Although, I have to agree that his age may very likely be somewhat young TO endure this kind of arrangement long term. Hard to say.
She may/may not be fully aware of the difficulties which lie ahead, (the slander and the possible disassociations by those who disappove...the list goes on & on), but it is her's to decide.
I agree that her kid's opinions matter. Of course they matter and should allowed to be heard.

Once an adult, if my daughter were ever to become involved with a partner 20 years her senior, (or junior...she'd have to be well into her adulthood by then...lol)...regardless.....IF she were to encounter that vast age diff, the best I could do is offer her my lessons from my encounters, guide her the best I can, and pray that she will be happy. Nothing more I can do.
Acceptance goes a VERY, very long way.

Shangrala

Thank you for sharing your experience Shangrala. I'm sure there are exceptions in May/December relationships and if anyone could make it work, I would bet on you for sure - I think you're young at heart, you look great for your age and you have a deeper personal connection.

I'm only sharing my own personal opinion, but I can't judge what other people do. I think it's good to have your eyes open and be realistic - it's sounds like you've done that. Please know we're not judging you here and we're just giving our own personal preferences.

I think the woman AAAAA was talking about is a little different situation - as she mentioned this young man is someone they both knew when he was a baby. I'm sure you would agree you probably wouldn't be attracted in the true sense with a neighborhood guy who you knew all your life. For example there's 2 teenage boys next door to me and they're like my own family - this is much different than a great looking young guy who I've never seen before.

True that. Point well made. No worries. All's good.

(I tend to babble at times....Just nudge meh with a whispered, "Shup, Shang"...lmao).

I have to say, in case I haven't made it perfectly clear, that the major part of my "ick" factor is that this is someone she's known since birth. If he were a stranger, I'd probably still have misgivings, but those are their issues to deal with not mine.

I can look at the young people that grew up with my own children and appreciate that they've become very attractive young people. But even though I can see their beauty, inside and out, I do not view them as people I would be interested in romantically or sexually. I find say... Usher very sexually attractive, but out there I'm sure that someone in his life that he's grown up with that sees him as plain old Usher and does not understand the hype.

I understand both of you ((Shangrala)) and ((AAAAA)).

When I was in my early 20s I had a "thing" with a much older woman. She was good for me and I think I was good for her. No one got hurt, and she understood me so well. I certainly have no regrets!

Why on earth would she check with her children about her love life? That's a bit Oedipal, isn't it? I agree with her completely; it's her life. If her grown kids have a problem, too bad. If her children were still kids, however, it would be a different story.

An older woman/younger man romance can be extremely fulfilling. No one has to get hurt. Older women can often take care of themselves and enjoy the affair for what it is, I think. At least that was my experience, a very positive one in my own growth.

Oh, she's known him since birth. Suddenly I see the "ick" factor. Didn't know that they had a lifelong relationship.

Yeah, ick. But it is their lives. (But this info does put a different slant on it).

Oh, and I missed something that I wanted to say before I was side tracked. Even though it's more socially acceptable for older men to date younger women, in this case if it were a man that decided that a young woman (keep trying not to call them boys and girls) that he'd known since birth, that had been a good friend of his son's I would find that even more offensive for some reason. I'd be worried how long he'd been lusting after young girls etc.

As it is, the thought that this woman looked at my own children (my oldest is 23) in that way never crossed my mind. But I'd be frantic if someone in our social circle started dating my daughter or one of her friends.

I think a more important question for you is how important is this relationship to you? If she is a very close friend and someone whose friendship you want to keep, then what Lenny had to say to you is about right, imo.

If you feel strongly about what she may be about to do, and damn the friendship, then say what's on your mind to her, perhaps even warn your children about her. I think in the end, more harm will come to her, and possibly her poor children if they become involved in this relationship.

If this is a very vulnerable young man and she is being predatory, I would tell his parents and maybe the father of her children, anonymously if that feels most comfortable for you.

Well I've decided to take the coward's path. I don't want to know anything. I actually feel closer to the kids than her. I think socializing would be very ackward. What she does is entirely her own business, but I'm so hung up on the fact that she can see him in this way. It's not like he moved from the area and returned after a number of years so there's a transition between feeling maternal feelings and romantic feelings. I see her in a different light now. Wrong I suppose, but that's where I am now.

AAAAA I think that I would be the same way. It kind of seems something like incest. It's very strange.

Sounds to me that she is a cougar. The young man will have a great experiance with her and then move on. I've seen it many, many times.

Most women I know who date younger (and much younger...) men are lacking somewhat in their ego... I know this is a very judgemntal statment but still...
I am sure there is the odd one out but doubt your friend is the one out. So - why telling her what you think? She will go ahead and date him anyway, resent you for your judgment and then when he leaves her she will feel very small.
Personally - I could not date a younger man and women at their 40s and 50s dates men at their 20s and 30s looks like a bit of a joke to me - but hey - each to their own... and who knows - they may live and learn (the hard way). Just be there for your friend when she needs you

I will try, I really do look at her differently now. If it were any random 20 year old it would be different (at least in my eyes).

I've learned the hard way that in matters of the heart, some opinions are better left unspoken. When my brother called to tell me he was getting divorced after 8 years of marriage, I surprised him by being thrilled. I never liked his wife but I was always courteous to her. I still ended up being the bad guy because they got back together 2 years later.