Relationship Issue

I'm have a problem I don't seem to be able to get rid of. I have no friends. I have had two or three friends for about 15 - 20 years and both have turned on me. I've had people who make every effort to know me and then begin treating me as if I were dirt. I'm not a passive person but not an ugly person either. I am a loner but I do many things outside of my comfort zone. I do my best not to hurt anyone intentionally or otherwise but find that men are my best friends. Most of the women I know don't care for me. In fact I am currently the target of being excluded from many areas at work. I really don't mind the exclusion because drama is not my thing.

For example, I wanted a nice ring. After looking around I decided to visit a pawn shop and found a beautiful estate like ring and with a mine like stone. I'm sitting at my desk engrossed in my work. I got everything from that looks as if it belongs to your grandmother to how much did you pay for that, to my ring is just about two carats to I'll bring in my setting tomorrow - to which the word spread through out the office.

Can someone help me see what I'm not seeing? I'm 57 but obviously I have not been exposed to the nuances in life that "make you something" if you have a certain item. I don't smell, dress moderately, if I see something I want I get it, and no bragging is not my thing. As I age, I'm liking my home more, doing things at home or working in the yard. I am diagnosed with depression but not a weepy person. I did become a little more distant from my male friends as I came to find that some had other ideas.

Do you know why? Were you given reasons? Why do most women not care for you? What is your explanation?

Hi garden,
I was wondering why these women turned on you after so long... that sucks.

I wonder if some women sense you're a little quiet or distant and mistake that for "snobbishness" (that's a complete guess... I've been accused of that because of shyness)

That is the question. I don't know why they don't care for me. Background - I hung out with my brothers when I was little. A tom-boy to use an old phrase, I was always playing in trees. My sister gave me a good dose of girly-girl stuff that I was not ready for or liked the smell of. I had more in common with the boys I played with though I had a few girl friends. The interaction there was mostly childhood games. My sister's anger was aimed at me and I grew to pay close attention to the slightest reaction so as not to get beaten up again. Mom worked and thought I'd toughen up.

I found my way through life as I mentioned with a few friends but those relationships were built on minor reciprocation. My friends got married and I began to notice one by one that the husbands accused me of being a bad influence on their wives. I cut ties there and later found that with the exception of one they were all cheating. I was the excuse. The two friends I mentioned earlier one I'd knew from high school. Some 11 years into knowing, sharing, visiting, taking care of the kids, I was told that the only reason was she was trying to get close to the family as her son was my nephew.

My one revelation is that some of these people think that I am stupid and when they find that I am not they get abusive. I am the same throughout andhave no reason to put on airs.

Hi. You bring up a good point and one I would never have thought of. I have been characterized as quiet. It does sucks, tremendously! If I get this right then they think that I am pretending?

Maybe Fuzzybear is on to something? I have gone through life with very few friends. Growing up, I was always in fights. My siblings tell me I carry a look of "I don't want to know you, so don't even try."

Do you think you give off "stay away" vibes?

Hello Garden! It looks like you could use a few friends! I read over this thread a couple of times and it seems kind of hard to understand some of statements. What you wrote seemed disjointed. I know you have a sister but that you didn't get along. You had friends but they started to treat you bad...did you ever ask any of your ex friends why they stopped being your friend? Of the people who said you were a bad influence, did they explain how you were a bad influence? Maybe if you let us get to know you a bit better we can find out together just what is going on...this one has me stumped.

You know, I wish I had that look. Maybe I could have gotten rid of a lot of anger back then. But really, does the look say stay away or I'm too snobish after we get to know each other well? I would think that the look wouldn't matter at that point or that whatever the person believe originally would have changed for the better.

Byzantine and Fuzzybear don't you know with in a short period of time whether you want to make friends or not? Isn't there this radar going off? I need to put my finger on the common denominator in all of this, which is me, and why I turn people off. On the other hand, if I'm wrong and it is the other people the long of it is that I will need to accept and totally embrace the other side of being a loner.

I am at a loss for an explanation, garden. You have put a lot of thought into this. I wish I could be more helpful.

Hi, I am reading this and dont feel I get the whole picture. I agree with what the others said and they raised some good questions that I think only you can answer.

I learnt that when people seem aloof to others around them, those around may interpret this aloofness in all sorts of ways. The question is - why you wont let people get close. Or, on the other hand, what areas of your life you should be developing to be able to feel more confident and more free.

Maybe the ring situation was just that people noticed it and found something to talk to you about to try and get closer?

From what you wrote I could not understand if you actually want female friends or prefer being a loner?

Hi. Yes I did ask and got laughed at as though the question was part of David Letterman's top 10 countdowns. The bad influence was because I wasn't a married person and my friends at that time were married. Their habits of wanting to do things without their husbands was not good,but the husbands thought it was me. I was the one person who said to the friends and husbands that I was not going to be a scape goat for any of them. One person did tell me just as Fuzzybear said, that I thought too much of myself (ha)! I had another friend to tell me that she had no idea that I shopped at a certain store and she did think that I was of the same caliber as someone as herself. At first I laughed until I realized she was serious. My thinking is, everystore has a sale . . . if I liked, it fits and I can afford it I buy it.

I am not an instigator of meanness. My only outlet while growing up was crying and I've learned to use concealer very well on those dark circles. I don't cry so much now but hope and hope and hope. The only thing that I can think of is that I don't take the nastiness anymore.

Example: My husband doesn't like repairs. I'm good with tools so I'm trying to spruce things up and improve the kitchen. One person says to me that my cabinets didn't need replacing that I wanted to replace them. I answered with what difference does it make if I want to change cabinets? It my home. The person began to snip and squeak at the pictures on my progress. Shortly after she began loud-mouthing me about how I looked and what she thought of how I looked. I have allergies and besides the swolleness, I was red and had watery eyes. I pulled as much courage as I could and asked her if I could blow my nose in her shirt. Then the grapevine word was "she's dirty, I wouldn't eat nothing she baked. blah, blah". I'm in the ladies room brushing my teeth and the comment comes, I'm not going to use that bowl all while I'm rinsing and and spitting inthe toilet. It's not true, but the untruth is spread. This person was a buddy, at lunch and sometimes at my lunch, asked for rides, etc.

Hi Tatyana2009. I want to find the root of the de-friending. I am so used to the loner deal as it is my life. And you are right as well once I locate the root how can I develop so that the de-friending isn't so unexpected. There's nothing like being there one minute and gone the next. I do let me people get close and familiar but I do not want to be abused or bullied. Yes, I need friends or should I say true friends.

And to all who answered, thanks for the insight and questions you've asked me. I

How can I make it clearer? In what way is it disjointed?

Garden, I am so glad you are reaching out and asking questions and reading and answering. My comment to you about your statements being disjointed I think are based on the way you wrote your post. I was trying to put a kind of picture together of your life with just the basic info and it kind of seems like you are trying to share so much pain and need that it kind of gets like all the words are trying to get out at once. It sounds courageous to reach out and be able to read and accept feedback and not letting your fear stop you. But you are doing it. Just like you said, you do things out of your comfort zone...very brave. Once in a while I come across an "ubber post" that draws me in. Usually the post attracts a lot of readers and posters with so much info and feedback. Lots of people wanting to help...sometimes the help and questions can seem overwhelming...this seems like one of those posts. This is a good thing because we care. We know what it is like to feel friendless. Come join us.

Hey garden,

I was thinking something much along the lines of what the above poster said
(but because I'm crap at words I refrained from posting )

Please keep posting

Byzantine, Tatyana2009, FuzzyBear and NuckingFutz all the feedback and questions have been a God send. Being quiet never related to being snobbish but I can see where someone may think that. The bad influence question made me realize that I had taken the entire situation lightly when the husband were clearly mad. Still I can say the responsibility remained the married and non communicating couples. And whether I want female friend or to be a loner was good. I find the snippiness earliest in relationships with co-workers and place that in the area of competitivenss. Early in my life I realized that the only person I can compete with is myself. So you've all given me some good feedback. The question about wanting to push others away was it. Not in my wildest dream did I see this as an option as a cause. So as I sign off tonight I want you to know that the questions you've asked are connected. The bottom line points to fair treatment. I've got some decisions to make. I'll be back to let you know what's happening. Thanks!

Thank you for caring and this wasn' overwhelming. I do think I wrote some of my words bass ackwards

Hi Garden,

I want this thread to be about you. It is about your life. But I just wanted you to know that every single word that you have written here could have been written by me. I read everything, including all of your feedback, with great interest. Thank you so much for being brave enough and caring about yourself enough to post this and ask the members for their thoughts about your situation. I am going to be reading this thread with great interest. I am even the same age as you and also am a fixer around the house! But I have only had one best friend my entire life and she died 11 years ago. I, too, have always made friends with men. Women don't really take to me.

Anyway, thank you very much for starting this thread. I truly empathize with you.

I just had a quick read of the new posts here and going to bed after a long day, yet I just want to write for now that you are both - GARDEN and VICKIESPATH - amazing women. You are strong and brave and you question things - which personally I respect.

You are both much older than me and I find you both to be remarkable. Mainly for going out of the comfort zone. I know that your generation was raised differently to mine (no bad intentions in writing this) - my generation was almost raised to question and go to therapy...

Any way - I believe in love and friendship and we all need others. I am happy this site offers this in such a genuin way. Much love xx

.....................
Hello Garden,
I've just read your post and see myself in it. At my age (62) I've found that having a real friend is a bit of a myth ... I am a loner, quiet and lonely too. I guess I turn people off with my dry humour or maybe its the fact that I never smile ... or maybe its the trust thing ...
I try not to judge anyone and try not to criticize ... my opinions are usually straight forward ... sometimes its not good but I try not to hurt anyone. I'm honest and call a spade a spade ... there is nothing phony about me ... I is what I is ... and I like me finally !
I've been married 3 times ... and still don't have it right !
Its as if no one understands me. For the past 6 years, my H has been giving me the silent treatment ... I am invisible to him and everyone else it seems. For 16 yrs I tried by giving him attention, affection and appreciation ... but found slowly that none of it was being returned. So now, I have taken up residence in the sunroom and have surrounded myself with craft projects, seed starting, reading gardening book, crocheting, and my dog Barney ( thank you Lord for him).
My kids don't come over and my grandkids don't neither. I only see them if they need something.
I feel for you ... I had so called friends that have come into my life then turned on me ... I think I'm too boring and easily hurt. I'm always saying I'm sorry ...
Try to be positive ... I'm absolutly positive you are an Angel in disguise and a treasure to the world !

Insignificant other

You know. I'm finding that the reason I don't have friends is because I try to treat others right. Just as you had mentioned and you know what, I think finally, that these people are seeking something from me to challenge them or give them meaning or even to make themselves feel superior. I've spent my life supporting others emotionally and financially and recognized that I AM A PERSON too! I really don't mind being alone but thought that it is strange that people have all these friends and I didn't. Attending parties, people always say that I'm surprising because I speak to everyone making small talk. Guess that's why I know a lot of people.

I'm in pain but the pain is subsiding. I'm watching while others are looking for a reaction and learning that there is something about me that is envied, someone likes or someone can't stand. There's always something about drama that keeps things going.

You mentioned about your husband. I think men get that way as they age. They're in the mother stage and seem to enjoy being a "kid" as though they are needing that motherly love. I enjoy my husband for what he's able to give right now.

I thank you for answering my response and hope dearly that I can provide some kind of help and care along the way. Thanks for letting me see that we possess a unique sensitivity that helps us to discern others. Wow, I just got the thought that maybe we are givers . . . givers in a sense that we haven' learned to fully take what we need.

I have been that way my whole life - now my shrink says that I have exhausted myself in trying to make others happy and I HAVE to focus on me... What a hard task!

You sound great and that you are getting somewhere in all of your thoughts and feelings.

I had a friend (who wore me out completely) who's motto is "It's all about me".... She was always happy with herself

I can't say that yet but one day maybe we both will take what we need from life rather than giving all of ourselves to make others satisfied!

It has been my experience the a group of office workers are the WORST!!
They always must be talkign about someone doing or saying something or they just are not happy...the gossip in an office or any work place is terrible and I found you are better off being a loner at work and just let them think what they want...otherwise they are talking about you behins your back...and even if you keep to yourself they still find somethign to say...its ridiculous.

Sincerely,

Roxy

Hey garden, I have been following your posts and I think you are really self aware and you sound so much better than your initial post. I hope you will stick around...also gnt some herbal tea and use the good china. First cup I made I remembered I told you to have some tea. I smiled and thought about that. Hope you are using it on a regular basis!

You're a beaut!!!!!! Self awareness has come from talking to you all. Sip slowly.