[MacD]

OK....those of you who know me already know that my mother has always had serious control issues..(as in, she has to be in control of everything and everyone in her life). But somehow, I was always the "golden child" and managed to escape her wrath and navigate, though I learned through therapy that I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought . One of the issues that caused the most tension between myself and my mom was a decision that I made to reconcile with my husband (from whom I had been separated for 8 mths). Though our problems were certainly serious, he really stepped up to the plate during the separation and voluntarily went into intense therapy to resolve the issues on his side. He surprised me with his resolve and with the self awareness he gained and even inspired me to bite the bullet and go into therapy myself (which obviously was long overdue). Now things are going really well and our family is the happiest that they have ever been. ALL EXCEPT MOTHER. Her anger and disappointment in our decision was so great that she very dramatically and publicly made a decision to move to another state after being in our hometown for over 25 years. In other words, I'm being very publicly "flogged" in a manner that I never could have imagined.
Guys, my mind knows that I'm not in the wrong here...but my heart is hurting nonetheless.....How do I cope without severing ties altogether? I know that she loves her grandchildren and they love her....but right now, I frankly feel shellshocked....Any advice from my site family would be appreciated.....

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((((( Grace )))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that. I know I would be devastated and horribly hurt if that happened to me. I don't have any advice but I'm sorry that you're going through that.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Grace))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you must be hurting so badley over this. I would definitly talk to your T. I also think that due to your mothers control issues, the fact that you got back together with your husband left her feeling powerless (really bad feeling for a controller) and maybe a little hurt. I dunno. I just wanted you to know that I support you and will be sending some hugs your way.

[Junerain]

MacD describe your mother's relationship with your children, could that relationship step in and force the two of you to rekindle?

[Parker10]

Wow , that would blow my mind ! I am sorry that you have been hurt this way ! I agree with above posts that her "control" was lost when you did something she didnt like. I just hope she isnt up to some more "controlling", and comes up with something like "I might move back IF you leave your husband for good"...........my response if that were to come up would be to tell her to enjoy her new home ! Gosh , parents can be so mean !

[wisewoman]

A dissenting voice here. CELEBRATE! and find new friends and special people to be your family and family to your kids. She sounds toxic. She let you off the hook. Have a grand time finding new family to love and cherish. Good luck.

[bebop]

Your mom almost sounds like mine. You know I tried all my life to please my mom and could never do it. She tried to control everything but my brothers stood up to her. I on the other hand let her walk all over me. You know what? She passed on a very miserable person but I was right by her side. It is different for everyone in these cases but you have to do what feels right for you. I do agree with the previous post if she gives you an ultimatum...don't fall for that one. You will be in my thoughts. ((((U)))))

[January]

Dear Grace,

I am so sorry for your pain. Our parents and children can hurt us more than anyone else on earth. You do need to talk to your t about this. Unfortunately I don't know how you are going to escape from your mother's grasp because of her relationship with your children. Otherwise, I would tell you to try to ignore her and let sweet healing come in time.

It may come down to your children visiting their grandmother once a year for a few days. She has made her choice and she has no right to intrude upon your happiness. Do not bend to her wishes, Grace. I've learned the hard way in dealing with my mother that if I give her an inch, she will force me backwards a mile or more.

Hold your head up high when you walk through town. Don't let any of the local nitwits give you a hard time. If anyone asks about you and your Mom, say, "Why do you want to know?" That usually stops them in their tracks. Most people do not want to admit they are being nosy. If he/she continues, look him/her straight in the eye and say, "It's none of your business." If you have to practice in front of a mirror to manage it, do it. It will save you much grief and make people realize you will not be bullied. If in doubt, ask yourself, "Does this person pay my bills?" If the answer is no, his or her opinon of you does not count. Remember this. It took me years of counseling to learn it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Grace )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

If you need to talk, just let me know.

Sending prayers, love and hugs your way,

Jan

[(JD)]

(((((MacD))))) just wanted to let you know I'm reading and caring ....

[reflecting_man]

Grace,
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. My heart goes out to you and your hubby on this one. Your mother sounds a little like my paternal grandmother. She held my dad under her sway until she died at the age of 95. Sometimes I think she even reaches out from beyond the grave.

I read all the responses to your post and it sounds like you've gotten some good advice already. Bringing it up with your therapist definitely sounds like a winner.

My experience with most control freaks is that they will squeeze their victims until they get what they want, they become distracted or bored with the game, *or* they realize their control mechanisms aren't working.

What is the payoff for your mom in this scenario? Does it require your cooperation? What would remove the payoff for her?

I wish you the best with this. Congrats on the success you and your husband are having. I wish you both continued success.

RM