failure at relationships

I can't seem to have a successful relationship. Every one I have ever been involved with comes on like they're really interested in me, then uses me sexually and then leaves and never comes back. I feel invisible much of the time, haven't been asked out in six years, and my last relationship was with a trusted friend I knew half my life who told me he thought God wanted us to be married someday, used me sexually, left me and told me he'd be back "someday." It's been six years and he still isn't back and now ignores me. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? I am in counselling for depression and childhood abuse issues and am taking Prozac. I feel better, but fear relationships now and would rather be alone than with anybody. Yet I fear being alone for the rest of my life as well. Help!

Hmm....you sound somewhat like me! May I ask how old are you, and have you ever been married or in a committed long-term relationship in your past?
I also take antidepressants. My doc started me out on Prozac at the age of 41, while I was still in my very unhappy 20+ year marriage. I have been on one form or another of that medication ever since then, and I am now age 54, currently taking Paxil. I inherited a genetic predisposition toward depression, and the medication has helped me.
Like you have described, though, I too have had many unhappy attempts at relationships since my divorce of 8 years ago. Now, I am in the mindset to remain alone and develop my own interests, pursue my Master's Degree in Fine Art, and rebuild my broken self-esteem from the last disastrous attempt at building a relationship. That is not a bad thing!

People here will probably tell you that there many loving and caring men out there, and that you will meet your "soulmate," and, indeed, you MAY!!! I, personally, am no longer looking.

Seeking

i'll never tell you that i know you'll meet your soulmate. if i believed that, i'd have a houseful of "soulmates". i've had 15 years of singleness and haven't seen him yet..... i agree with the previous poster, develop yourself and enjoy life. i'm going to nursing school. i'm 62.....maybe i'll meet him in ER.

Im 35 years old--and I hate to give up. I've had almost seven years to "develop myself." I was married before this seven year break for four and a half years to a controlling man who gave me "privileges" if I was "good." I'm currently getting my Master's degree, which is more than any of the idiots I dated were doing for themselves. Six years is the longest I've ever gone and it's been good for me not to date, but it can't be healthy. I feel like I ought to tell you two not to give up!

You won't be alone for the rest of your life....It just sounds like this is not the time for you to deal w/a relationship...When your own state of mind needs all of your attention, it's almost impossible to make another connection work....Concentrate on YOU....and when things get more stable in that area, you will find that you almost magically attract better relationship prospects....love grace

If you get used sexually, perhaps take steps for that not to happen? Only let it go so far before remembering your promise to yourself as to how far it would go?

As Bonnie Raitt sings, "Baby, we can choose; ya know we ain't now amoeba..." Junerain is right; in my last attempt at relationship, I was so unexpectedly drawn to this man, I let all my values and beliefs fall by the wayside. I immediately started hearing that "inner voice" screaming that I was in trouble bigtime. I blamed my actions partly on my extended solitude (3 years) prior to meeting a man, but no matter how long I remain alone in the future, I will refrain from such reckless behavior.
Seeker

Um, thanks...I'm not a floozy, and I have only slept with four (supposedly committed) men. I am not psychic so I don't know when these guys (or any guy) is actually telling the truth or only wants to get in my pants. But the answer seems to be to stay single, so I'll ignore the advice of my psychologist. Thanks guys. Here's to another 35 years of living for myself!

Did you read my response to your post? This isn't about "being alone for the rest of your life"....it's about taking care of you FIRST...so that you can move on to successful relationships...chin up, ok?

I don't think you're a "floozy," badgergirl, any more than I think that of myself, and I know I am NOT!!! You really are actually very "young" in the arena of dating, Badger, and you will in fact meet many more men.
Don't become too cynical because of your experiences, but also, as Mac says, take care of yourself first. It has taken me much too long to learn that valuable lesson.
seeker

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You won't be alone for the rest of your life....It just sounds like this is not the time for you to deal w/a relationship...When your own state of mind needs all of your attention, it's almost impossible to make another connection work....Concentrate on YOU....and when things get more stable in that area, you will find that you almost magically attract better relationship prospects....love grace

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Gosh Mac, what wise words! When I came out of a bad marriage I was untouchable for a very long time. I remember one girl telling me to 'get myself sorted out'. I didn't even know what she was talking about. It took a good five years for my phone to start ringing again, and gradually I understood.

It was about my own vibes. When I felt bad about myself I was good for nobody. When I felt good about myself I was good for everybody. That bad marriage switched my light off, and I had to somehow learn how to switch it on again.

I have known some people who never got their light switched on again.

IMHO we are all faced with that possibility after rejection and
it's a crucial point in our lives.

Good thoughts to you, M.

I appreciate what everyone is trying to say. However, I will quote my psychiatrist when I say--why are we blaming ourselves? COuld it be possible that we are simply having bad luck, or running into creeps who like to use people because THEY have issues? It seems especially that women are prone to this self blaming behaviour--if we experience a bad break up, then we have to "improve ourselves" or "take a time out to get our attitudes to be more positive-so-we-can-attract-more-positive-men." Yet men are allowed to act however they like, and we're meant to submit to this behaviour, and even blame it on ourselves! I was curious as to the responses I would get, and I can see we are still overcoming old thinking patterns. I'm not sure I can get behind these seemingly repressive and backsliding attitudes that are being espoused here on this forum. No matter how much someone "improves themselves" it doesn't mean the very next relationship won't be another creep or dud--so then do we go on trying to figure out what else to improve? Seems rather self-defeating and pessimistic to me. By blaming ourselves we unwittingly absolve the other party (the man) of all of the blame. But thanks anyway, guys. I've had seven years to "improve myself" and another 15 years before that in which I wasn't even interested in dating because I was travelling around the world, and believe me, my attitude was never "negative" enough to attract the kind of men I've been subjected to. If anything, I am too trusting of the good in other people, too idealistic; but I'd rather be that way than bitter and mistrusting everyone. Love to all of you...

Hi, Badger,
I am not sure what find disagreeable in the responses, but I agree with you that we women tend to take on the blame for the failures. I know, in this last attempt I've made at relationship, I've blamed myself and felt seriously flawed. But, in my posting the question of it in "Rejected....trying to recover," people here have offered insights that perhaps he was a "cold fish" or not very nice to have behaved as he did. I have found that very helpful in my striving toward recovery. Yes, there are a lot of cads and jerks out there!
While I no longer buy into the idea that the loving Mr. Right will miraculously appear as I get happy with my solitary life, I do think it is good advice to focus on self-development, educational pursuits, spiritual growth, and emotional well-being. What is wrong with that advice? I am just not doing it with the thought of it leading toward meeting a wonderful man, but I am doing it!
I do like what you've said about moulding ourselves into a "happy" woman who will please a new man. I recently visited one forum on the "Emotionally unavailable man," which was hosted by a man who purported himself to be an "expert," and who stated that women should suppress their questioning and feelings of anxiety, giving the man plenty of leeway and time to adjust and to not bother the man feelings and concerns! ********!!!! I have the right to ask questions, to express my feelings, and to receive support and comforting responses, even in the initial stages of a relationship.
Seeker

OK can i just say one thing from a male point of view. Women aren't the only ones who suffer when a relationship ends. As they say it takes two to Tango. Men may hide their emotions and it may seem like we can do,say and feel anyway we want. Inside deep in our guts guys are also hurting maybe even more since usually men don't have the same type of support groups woman have. I can't even imagine going to a male friend and saying my ex just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. Or that my girlfriend just walked without a word. For the most part other woman don't want to hear that as well. The first thought is what did you do wrong to make here leave? I don't mean to hijack this thread but please understand that there are good men out there We are far from perfect but still good guys with good hearts.

I have reread this thread a couple of times and there is one thing that i feel woman in gen need to think about. Badger, you said he used you sexually. Was the sex mutual? Did you willing go to bed with him? Did you enjoy the sex? I refuse to see woman in term of Ho or the good girl or Flossie. IMHO a so called loss woman is just someone who has a more active sex drive. Again it might just be me but i feel in this day and age woman need more then ever to take control of their own sexuality.
Lets face it guys want sex! 9 out of 10 guys want to have with a woman. we do all sorts of wierd things to get your attention . You hold the power. You don't need to be mis perfect or even close to perfect.
i better just stop typing now before i get myself in even more trouble.