[englishteacher]

Okay, so I suffer from depression and it's been bad for a while - how long? 6 months, a year. I'm off meds because I can't afford the doctor's visit or the pills. My husband is supportive most of the time, but it gets to him sometimes. So...I've also been sick the past few days - it's just a cold, but I feel crappy, stopped up, etc. Yesterday my husband took a day off from work to deal with kid issues (not important to this subject), so he was home early. When I got home, he wanted to go out - play a little pool. I told him no, I didn't feel like it. He asked 3 or 4 more times and I told him no and explained that I also didn't think we should spend the money. Money is a HUGE issue in our house. We live paycheck to paycheck to payday loan to paycheck. It's stressful and horrid. So...I went to bed early...I woke up when he came in drunk at 1:00 a.m. He'd gone out, found some people to party with and made the rounds of the local strip clubs. I'm so angry and depressed that I can't see straight. I keep crying. I couldn't go back to sleep last night, so I haven't had very much sleep and I'm still not feeling well from the cold. The thoughts going through my head bounce from suicide to leaving. All sorts of other options pop up in my head. Understand, I'm not mad that he went without me or that he went to strip clubs. I like strip clubs myself and I trust him on that front. But I can't trust him to be responsible and take care of the things that need taking care of - like rent and bills and food. I did tell him that we couldn't afford to go out, but he went anyway - after I was asleep and wouldn't be awake to talk him out of it. I actually feel guilty because if I'd been awake or gone with him, he wouldn't have spent so much money. I don't even know how much he spent yet, but I know him. He meets people he likes, gets to drinking and buys rounds for the whole table. I'm sure he spent at least $100 and we only had $200 to last for the next week, which doesn't go far with gas and kids to feed. So...I feel guilty because if I'd gone with him, he wouldn't have spent as much or gotten as drunk. Yes, he drove home drunk. Considering our finances, this is not really huge....we're always broke anyway. I just feel so hopeless. I can't control him. I can't control my emotions. I can't control the money. It's all spinning out of control and I'm afraid a crash is imminent. Will it be me that crashes? Our marriage? I just don't know, but I'm so sick of fighting to live in this crappy world. Thanks for listening. I actually feel a little better just getting it off my chest.

Hello, englishteacher. Why are you blaming yourself? Your husband sneaked out to spend money on himself that is needed for the family. He did not even respect you enough to leave while you were awake.

[sanityseeker]

So sorry life is getting you so down. It is tough enough without the depression taking its toll too. I am glad it helped to spit it all out and I hope things get better soon. Hopefully your husband will figure out his escape just added to the pressure you are both under these days and he doesn't do it again.

Hope you are able to get some sleep. I know how the lack of sleep can really magnify worry. Take good care of you and give those kids a big hug. Let the love you share fill you with hope and promise of better tomorrows. Let the love sooth your worried soul. Take good care.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm so sorry you're going through this; I'm sure it's extremely hard on everyone involved.

I don't really have any advice to offer you, but something you said REALLY bothered me. You said that "Yes, my husband drove home drunk. Considering our finances, that's not that bad." I'm sorry, but I completely disagree. It is extremely bad. It's extremely dangerous. Not only to himself but also to others. If something were to happen, anything at all, because he drove home drunk, that would be devastating, emotionally and financially. Please, please, please encourage him not to do that anymore. It's also setting up a bad example for your children...

Again, I didn't mean to be harsh, I just don't want you to take such a serious matter so lightly.

I hope things start looking better for you soon.
Best wishes,
Ro

[englishteacher]

RomanSunburn...thanks for the concern. I should have worded it differently. I really don't think driving drunk is not that bad... the two ideas weren't really connected in my head (unless it's subconscious)...stream of conscious babble - I was back to thinking about having only $100, instead of $200 to last the week and coming to the conclusion that we COULD stretch it, even though it would be really tight.

[englishteacher]

Byzantine....that would be the question of the day....why am I blaming myself? Because that's just the way my brain operates. I'm upset? my fault somehow - you're upset? also my fault. I grew up with an alcoholic and learned early that it was a good thing to say you are sorry and that I shouldn't be selfish and only want things for myself because that's not how good girls who get Daddy's attention act. Good girls get straight A report cards, keep the house clean, do the laundry and do not talk back or have differing opinions. If something goes wrong, it is always myfault. It's not that I don't know where the garbage comes from, it's that I'm not on meds so I don't recognize it until after I've had a meltdown.

(((((((((( englishteacher )))))))))))

[NuckingFutz]

As far as meds go, perhaps your county mental health clinic can help you. I used mine for years. The visits and meds were paid via our hard earned tax dollars. There are support groups in your area as well. If you google NAMI and also DBSA you can read about these organisations and find one that is right for you. Good luck with the finances and your hubby. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[Tatyana2009]

On some level I think you are under valuing this.

Your situation is not easy. Lets look at the facts:

Your financial situation is tight and causing you both stress and worry.
You have depression.
You both have kids to look after.

And instead of being there, supporting you, easing the burdon etc, he goes out with mates, plays pool, party, get drunk, go to a strip club and come back late.

I would have been furious and I wonder where you anger goes??/is??

I would also be hurt.

Instead, you feel you should have been there to make sure it did not happen... are you serious?? You are not his nanny/mother/watch over. Where is his responsibility and maturity?

I suggest you start setting some clear boundaries and rules. This way he wont have to come to you to ask for permission and you wont have to say no only to find him disappearing later (this is too much like a mum kid scenario).

Personally, I would mind a great deal if my bf went to a strip club. well done for being so open minded..

I wonder if your depression is fed by some of the unhealthy traits of your family life... I do not mean to be harsh but I think you have to face these issues and set clear boundaries or your depression will deteriorate and your marriage will collapse.

Take good care xx

[englishteacher]

Tatyana,

I was furious. I'm still angry about it, which is why I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. for the second night in a row. I'm also hurt. I feel betrayed. Also, I really meant it when I said the strip club didn't bother me because I was a stripper once (long story - one night deal) - BUT then he told me he got a lap dance and now I'm actually a little jealous. Odd, because I know how very little a lap dance actually means.

So in the end, of course I'm angry. Where did the anger go when I talked to him about it? It went to guilt...twist, twist, twist. Did I twist it or did he? Probably both of us - very unhealthy pattern we have been perpetuating for 20 years. The wonder of it is that when it comes to this type of argument, he tells me that I should leave him because he doesn't make me happy and he can't stand to see me miserable and I would probably be happier if I only had myself to worry about. All of which makes me feel horribly guilty, selfish, and desperate to hold on to my marriage.

I am a child of divorce. I don't want to perpetuate that ugly cycle for my kids, and I do love the man, and I have been with him for most of my adult life. My last therapist (10 years ago) told me that I have trouble distinguishing reality - what's real and what's my projection of what's real...sounds like I'm having that problem again. I don't trust my own reactions, thoughts, or emotions. What if I AM being selfish? It's really difficult to set boundaries when you aren't sure if the boundaries are realistic or some "pie in the sky" that could never really happen.

Further, there are the kids to consider. My daughter is 18 and needs our support to get a good start in life. I don't want her to struggle the way I have with student loans and other financial woes. She's a bright, wonderful girl, who helps take care of her brother and very unfortunately, feels that she also must watch out for her mom and dad. If I send her out into the world unprepared, then ... what? I'll feel like I failed her as a mother. Actually, I already feel that way a lot of the time.

My son is a totally different matter. He's 10 and has problems of his own. He has been in trouble at school since pre-kindergarten. He craves attention (no, he probably doesn't get enough at home). He argues constantly. He doesn't listen and asks the same question over and over - my husband says he is trying to bully us into getting his way. I've been asked to get him tested for ADHD, but he really doesn't fit the criteria. I wouldn't be surprised that he has a chemical imbalance, like mine. He causes quite a lot of stress in our household - with me switching from anger at him to protecting him from my husband's anger at him. It's a big, fun party at my house.

I don't know why I mother my husband. We married young and fell into a pattern. He didn't know about checking accounts, bills, etc. when we married. He had a mother who babied him and I just kind of took over. I drew the line at making smily face breakfasts and tucking a blankie around him while he at. Like you said - boundaries....if that were the only issue, then maybe I could find a way to deal with it. As it is, I sit and spin and worry and question myself.

[sanityseeker]

I know what you mean about trying to set boudaries when you can't identify what are realistic boundaries because you are always wrestling with what is real or just an overheated emotional response. Stressors all start to blur things together and it is hard to know what the real issue is. I feel for you.

Somehow in the midst of it all I think it is important to take care of you. If only for an hour a day to just focus on doing something that makes you feel some peace. Some separation from all the stressors. Your own quiet time when you don't think about anyone else but you. It is okay to be selfish if only for this one hour a day.

I know for me when I was dealing with a patterned life of giving and doing all of myself to others it was really hard to get that one hour a day. It was my first lesson with boundaries. I had to actually leave the house, which a part of me resented but it was the only way to stop the chorus of 'requests' from me. I took up gardening and the garden became my sanctuary. It is where I go to just be present in the moments. I call it my no thinking zone. It is where I take a break from everyone including my own head that was otherwise constantly racing with worry thoughts and all the questioning.

You can't fix everything but you can give yourself a break. If you don't it is just a matter of time before the pressure breaks you. Answers and perspective will be easier to find if you attend to your own needs for an escape from the pressure of overthinking and over worrying about everyone else.

Be good to you and don't let thoughts of selfishness deny you the self care. You are not a machine.

Wishing you well.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi, I just posted in your other thread. About this:

I was furious. I'm still angry about it, which is why I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. for the second night in a row. I'm also hurt. I feel betrayed.
So you are hurt and angry and then you are awake from 3:30 (like I said in the other post - my bf does the same!) - why turning these feelings towards yourself? It seems to me that you feel these feelings and not able to process them in a healthy way. You hurt yourself as your thought processes goes on and on obsessively. You feel and then instead of internally trusting your own sense of self and process these feelings, you obsess over it. It seems to me that you need to learn a healthy way to deal with your emotions and balance your thoughts. You also need to work on a stronger and more stable sense of self (which links to what you said about 'distorted reality' etc). It is quite possible, and healthy, to be upset, angry and hurt - to feel these feelings, let them out healthily (cry, shout in a frield, hit the pillow, have a bath to self soothe, clean the house, hug the kids, etc) and relax, sleep and take care of yourself. Maybe you need to look at codependency issues too.

Also, I really meant it when I said the strip club didn't bother me because I was a stripper once (long story - one night deal) - BUT then he told me he got a lap dance and now I'm actually a little jealous. Odd, because I know how very little a lap dance actually means.
When we are jealous it is normally a sign that something we care about is under threat. That we need to to protect that something otherwise we will loose it. I can see why his behaviour makes you feel this way. But you need to find a positive and effective way to correspond to him what is it that you want and need and how his behaviour affects you.

So in the end, of course I'm angry. Where did the anger go when I talked to him about it? It went to guilt...twist, twist, twist. Did I twist it or did he? Probably both of us - very unhealthy pattern we have been perpetuating for 20 years. The wonder of it is that when it comes to this type of argument, he tells me that I should leave him because he doesn't make me happy and he can't stand to see me miserable and I would probably be happier if I only had myself to worry about. All of which makes me feel horribly guilty, selfish, and desperate to hold on to my marriage.
The good thing is that you identify the interaction (unhealthy) and your thought process as well as your emotions. Maybe read a bit games people play - sounds to me like you move from the persecutor to the rescuer. And he moves from the naught boy to the victim. Its not leading any where. Your needs are not met and you remain frustrated and your emotions remain inside. A good start is to stop taking responsibility for his actions. Say nothing. He would remain with his guilt (good) and you will remain maybe upset but then you are upset and with good reason... Remember that this way (now) you are the one constantly saving your marriage where as he takes responsibility away from him. This sort of interaction over a long period of time will cause you to feel depressed and your self worth will be lower. So I hope you can stop this kind of interaction and get your emotional intelligence and resourcefullness.

I am a child of divorce. I don't want to perpetuate that ugly cycle for my kids, and I do love the man, and I have been with him for most of my adult life. My last therapist (10 years ago) told me that I have trouble distinguishing reality - what's real and what's my projection of what's real...sounds like I'm having that problem again. I don't trust my own reactions, thoughts, or emotions. What if I AM being selfish? It's really difficult to set boundaries when you aren't sure if the boundaries are realistic or some "pie in the sky" that could never really happen.
I can really understand that. I think that if you manage to seperate your emotions from him and stop the game it will also help with your self perception. You need to make steps to build your self.
Of course you do not want your kids to go through life with the burdon of divorce. My mother was a kid from divorced family and she did everything to prevent that from happening to her family. My bf has two kids from his ex wife and they have suffered (although they wont admit it) a great deal from their parents lack of skills to have a healthy relationship - when they were together and also now when they are divorced. So - I would set my focus on strengething your communication skills, and your problem solving skills. Your kids wont benefit from staying in an unhealthy family just as much as they will hurt from a divorce, if not more. They need a strong mum. Especially your son. So please start by doing some work yourself. Once you feel better in yourself you will be able to set clear boundaries.

Further, there are the kids to consider. My daughter is 18 and needs our support to get a good start in life. I don't want her to struggle the way I have with student loans and other financial woes. She's a bright, wonderful girl, who helps take care of her brother and very unfortunately, feels that she also must watch out for her mom and dad. If I send her out into the world unprepared, then ... what? I'll feel like I failed her as a mother. Actually, I already feel that way a lot of the time.

I am sorry you feel a lot of the time that you fail as a mum. I know you are doing your best! And I am sure your daughter can see how devoted you are. Please stop being so hard on yourself. By doing this you take a way good energy from yourself. Why are you punishing yourself this way? Kids need parents to support and love them. I am sure you are there for them. Some times just telling someone you love them makes the whole day feel different.

My son is a totally different matter. He's 10 and has problems of his own. He has been in trouble at school since pre-kindergarten. He craves attention (no, he probably doesn't get enough at home).

This is an important admittion. Boys need mum's attention and dad's attention too. Make sure you do fun stuff together. And hug him!! He may feel uncomfortable at first but believe me he needs it.

He argues constantly. He doesn't listen and asks the same question over and over - my husband says he is trying to bully us into getting his way. I've been asked to get him tested for ADHD, but he really doesn't fit the criteria. I wouldn't be surprised that he has a chemical imbalance, like mine. He causes quite a lot of stress in our household - with me switching from anger at him to protecting him from my husband's anger at him. It's a big, fun party at my house.

I am sorry. Its hard when you have a kid that shows this kind of behaviour. But he is a good kid. right?! He is not a devil. He is a kid that is trying to show you that he is in distress and that he needs something he is not getting. Talk to him, quietly, nicely. Try to show a united front with his dad and plan together with your husband a different way of dealing with the boy. If he is pushing the limits and being angry, encourage him to take time off and then talk about how he feels and what led him to feel this way. Hug when he does share. Try not to criticise him - it would only lead the other way. Look at the amount of suffering his mother is experiencing. He feel you. He knows the mum he needs is in distress so of course he is angry. He may be ADHD and there are different categories - it is worth getting the check done if only to know that this is not the issue. Either way -he needs you to be strong and to set clear boundaries. I know you can do it. You are a bright and loving person. You stepped away from so much abuse in your past. You can do it and be there for your kids!

I don't know why I mother my husband. We married young and fell into a pattern. He didn't know about checking accounts, bills, etc. when we married. He had a mother who babied him and I just kind of took over. I drew the line at making smily face breakfasts and tucking a blankie around him while he at. Like you said - boundaries....if that were the only issue, then maybe I could find a way to deal with it. As it is, I sit and spin and worry and question myself.

It goes back to what I wrote above. After 20 years its hard to change a rooted behaviour and interaction but step by step you can. And we are here to support you and offer advice. As you get stronger you will be able to set clear boundaries. Its hard to do this alone. Speak to a T who may be able to see you on a reduced rate or make some arrangement. Maybe the dr can recomment someone. Let me know how it goes. Warmest hugs and thoughtxxxx

P.S. I hope I did not overwhelm you with this. There is quite a lot of do this do that in my post - but I was touched by your posting and I can feel how you gasp for help almost like gasping for air. So I hope beyond the 'do this do that' you will be able to find some air and encouragement.

[englishteacher]

Tatyana,

You are absolutely the voice of reason and it is helpful. I do realize that I need help, my marriage needs help and my son needs help. I am working on it. I am reaching out for help pretty desparately. Lucky for me, I'm getting some right here. I really appreciate your concern and warmth and willingness to share your own problems. It helps immensely to know that I'm not alone and my feelings are not totally off the mark.

[englishteacher]

SanitySeeker,

I've heard all this before from my previous therapist and it was an excellent reminder. I get so caught up in what everyone else needs from me that I neglect myself for way too long. It isn't healthy and for someone with my issues, it's downright self-destructive. I need to find a way to feed my own soul sometimes and just relax and be me - not mom, not wife, not friend, not teacher - just me. Thanks for the reminder.

[Tatyana2009]

I am glad it helps a little. Your feelings are not off the mark! Trust yourself honey xx

[sanityseeker]

((((((englishteacher)))))))) it is so easy to loose ourselves to all the labels we assume through life. No label matter more than being 'ME'. Just don't loose yourself. Been there done that and its a long road back. Still claiming my own way back so I know its not easy. Be well. Blessings.

[englishteacher]

Thanks to all of you who have been supportive. I'm feeling a lot better. I went to MHMR yesterday and they diagnosed me - Severe Depressive Disorder. They want to test me some more, as apparently I have Bipolar tendencies. They are helping me find a way to get my meds, but I may have to wait a bit. Still, I felt such a huge relief at just getting some help, just being heard and not being told not to be a crybaby helps tremendously. Now that I'm feeling stronger, I hope I can offer that same support to others on this site.

[Tatyana2009]

That is trully wonderful! Well done!!

[sanityseeker]

Awesome. It is magical how being cared for gives us renewed strength. Sharing your story is a gift of support to others. Take it easy and take it slow and in the process keep believing in your own power to overcome anything, absolutely everything. Love those precious people in your life and most especially that tender boy who waits everyday for your hugs and smiles. Let some laughter out today. Sounds so good I think I will do the same and spend some time laughing with my boy today. Often life is just too dang serious. Take care.

Good luck, englishteacher. Perhaps you will eventually be able to enhance the process of getting the phonemes across the synapses into workable syntax that better elucidates.

Good luck.

[sanityseeker]

huh?... oh I get it. Inside joke for the english teacher. good one Byz. lol