[perpetuallysad]

My sister is my only friend (besides my husband) but she's very domineering and our relationship is very one sided. Admittedly, that's because I don't tell her much, because she's very close minded about MI.

My brother is in prison for armed bank robbery and the only time he contacts me is when he wants to manipulate me to get money for whatever illegal crap he's doing at the time.

My other brother committed suicide when I was 18 (he was 16).

I love my siblings and I think the loss of my brother makes me soft when it comes to dealing with the 2 of them. Its like I constantly am aware of how easily I could lose them, so I tend to let them run over me so that I still "have" them for the time being. Its so stupid.

Really, I let everyone run over me. I never stand up for myself and end up being committed to things that I don't want to do, but am stuck because I never say no.

Ag. This was way longer but I cut most of it out. I'm mostly feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for reading.

[firstmate]

It's never easy to deal with siblings. I have 6 of them, but hardly ever talk with any of them. Most friends come in and out of our lives, but siblings are always there. They remind us (or at least me) of my childhood - good and bad.

When I was single and living by them they would call often for a babysitter. Now they hardly call at all.

I also let others create my schedule. It got to the point where the only time I had to myself was spent crying about all the things I promised to do but couldn't. In some ways I still do that, but I've also learned to take time out for myself sometimes. Go for a walk, put in a movie and work on crafts, journal or work on my novel. Not for hours on end, but sometimes only a short time to do something I want to do.

Not always easy, but very necessary.

I probably wasn't much help, but I'm willing to listen if you want to vent.

[Junerain]

(((((((((((perpatuallysad))))))))))))

If YOU had demands on your sister, what would they be- how could you step it up a notch, and let HER know what you need from her?


Could you become more assertive and say NO to the things you do not want to commit to?

What kinds of things do you commit to...but wish you had not??

[lynn P.]

Are you the youngest in the family? If you are, this could be one of the reasons they think they can domineer you - always the baby of the family. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I don't get along with my sister for that reason. I think once the siblings all grow up, there shouldn't be any hierarchy because of age difference and everyones on a even playing field. My brother is 14 yrs older and he's the oldest, but he's always treated me respectfully even when I was a kid.

I think you need to learn how to nicely assertive and stick up for yourself. You need to be consistent and one of them will probably wonder what's happening and that's when you should explain, you're tired of always giving in. Maybe you could even do some role playing with your husband - he could pretend he's your sister and you can practice being assertive. Good luck

[perpetuallysad]

Actually, I am the oldest of my siblings. So who knows why I let them do what they do.

My sister takes a lot from me. She's stayed with me (with her husband, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a cat) for extended periods (several months at a time) many times over the past 6 years or so. THat is always very hard because she dominates everyone and is very, very, very controlling of every thing that goes on...she will rearrange how I put things in my cabinets! Right now, she and her family are on vacation at disney land and she called a few weeks ago to tell me that I was keeping her dogs. Dropped them off last weekend (the weekend of march 9th) and won't be back to pick them up until March23rd or so..she hasn't said specifically. The thing is she has 2 beagle puppies who are not very well house trained, so they pee everywhere, eat everything-chew things up all over the house, they jump like crazy so I am covered with bloody scratches and her other dog is older (7 yrs) and very aggressive. She's constantly starting a fight through the fence with the next door neighbor's dog. My sis didn't even ASK if I would watch them, she just made her vacation plans and assumed I would do it. She didn't even bring enough food for them and we are ending up having to buy more (which is expensive) and they can't eat my dog's food because it makes them have diarrhea...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm just so frustrated. She's only called once and was like "how are my babies?" when I told her all the stuff they'd been doing she was just like "I know! isn't that annoying?" WHAT? Didn't she think she should have mentioned they would pee everywhere, eat my furniture, chew up my son's toys, dig holes all over my yard, chew on my area rug, scratch the crap out of us...?

[lynn P.]

Wow that's too bad about the dogs!! I heard beagles are very hard to handle and often end up at the humane society for behavior problems. If your sister can afford to go on vacation, she can afford boarding her dogs. I thought for sure you were the youngest - maybe they think because you're the oldest, you're expected to do the impossible. How long are the dogs going to stay with you? If it's too long maybe you should board them and she can pay later lol. In the future learning how to say "no" will be the greatest gift, you give yourself.

[perpetuallysad]

You are so right Lynn. But some how I always say yes. I know my t would say its because I was always so desperately seeking acceptance from my mother. Now I never say no, because then they "won't like me"-like my mom used to do when she would give and take her affection randomly at what I would or wouldn't do for her.

I cannot afford to board them, not with all three of them for at least another week. And as far as I know, they don't have the kennel cough shot, which is required to kennel around here.

[pondbc]

Lynn is right, you should put them in the kennels and send her the bill plus the vet's bill for the kennel cough shot. Ask yourself, "Would I ever make these demands on anyone?" and let that be your guide.

She has got some nerve! Next time say "I'm sorry, but that is not going to work for me." You don't have to justify yourself either.

I find it very hard to confront people in my family also (lots of domineering types too) but I have learned to say no. My biggest act of self-protection was moving 3,000 miles away.

Hello, perpetuallysad. You disclose in your profile the emotional and physical abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents. It seems you have been brainwashed into believing you are a worthless soul deserving of being treated badly. Has this issue been addressed in therapy?

There are many articles on self-esteem. Here is a good one: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...9/METHOD=print

Learning to be more assertive seems useful too: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

How to say no: http://stress.about.com/od/settingbo.../ht/say_no.htm

You have helped a lot of people here, perpetuallysad. It is long past time you did some serious work to help yourself. Please consider getting a referral to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and appropriate treatment.

Love yourself. Be well.

[englishteacher]

perpetually sad - I hear you loud and clear! It's so hard to say no, and I certainly haven't mastered it, but it sure is empowering when it does come out of my mouth.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and that your sister is so domineering. She probably has her own issues which blind her to what she is doing to you, but if you never tell her, she'll never know. Of course, telling her may not help either. I've tried telling my dad similiar stuff - he turns it around on me and makes me feel worse and guilty on top of it. Now we just don't speak at all. It hurts, but in some ways, it's less painful. At least the ugly words fade and are not repeated.

Sorry, I'm just feeling my way in the dark too, but I can listen and be supportive. I hope you have better luck than I have had finding a way out of the dark.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks for all of the support guys and gals.

TheByz, I do have a pdoc, who is also my t, but I can only afford to visit once a month, so therapy is S L O W, to say the least. I'm going to read those articles though. thanks

[purple_fins]

I'm sorry your family is not respecting you.

like was said-- think about if YOU would do a certain thing to someone else and if the answer is NO-- then tell that person you can't at this time.

I mentioned to you before the book-- "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"(by Dr. Karyl McBride)..... in that book it says that many such daughters put up with a whole lot more than the average person would in being used/abused and or disrespected. (they learned from mother and now know how to allow others to act similar with the illusion that that's what will make them lovable)
It's so sad that we continue the cycle towards ourselves that our mother's started

maybe if you think of it as- breaking an abusive family cycle... then saying No wouldn't be as hard??

thinking of you

fins

[NuckingFutz]

Deep sigh...I hear you. But man, after letting her stay with you and can later afford a Disney park? When's the last time you dropped your animals off so you can drop in on a Disney park or other vacation? Sometimes the hardest word in the world to say! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I would also board her dogs and let her pay the vet bill and boarding costs. I think you both have been trained in your family roles for a long time. Keep working at it.

[perpetuallysad]

I've never gone on vacation, unless you count going to the smokey mountains for like 3 days when I was in the first grade...And I would never, ever impose on someone by even asking them to watch my dog. I don't even ask people to watch my son. I just figure those things are my responsibility and I need to take care of them.

Anyway, the reason she's stayed with me on and off was 1st she was stationed in New Orleans during hurricane Katrina and lost her house, cars, everything...so that was a no choice type of situation. The other times have been when they were being transferred (her husband's in the coast guard and she retired from there). Anyway, they always end up staying with me during the in-between time from one place to the other...

Also, she's just different with money than me. And has the luck of having a dad who is a millionaire, so she really never has to worry about money and gets to have a lot of things I can only dream of. And, yes, I am jealous. I admit that. Not particularly of the material things, b/c I'm not so much into that, but the feeling of security that she always has (and flaunts) does make me jealous.

I would like to get that book about Narcissistic mothers but even on ebay its like $20. And I just cannot afford that. If I get another book gift card any time soon, I'm going to get that...well, I actually have a list of about 10 diff. self-help type books and that's number one on my list.

((((((((( perpetuallysad )))))))))

[perpetuallysad]

Rather than start a new thread, I guess I'll just add this here. Don't feel obligated to respond, I just want to get this out and perhaps be able to let it go.

Today is my nephew's birthday, he's 7. Earlier my son and I called to sing him happy birthday and to just talk for a little bit. Well, when he was done talking, my sis got on the phone and I could hear a man (not her husband) talking in the background so I asked who it was...she was like "Oh that's momma and Dennis (mom's boyfriend), they are here already and everyone else will get here in a few hours." So, I was like, what are you doing in a few hours and she's says "We're having a crawfish boil for Zach's birthday, I told you that!" She's sounding INCREDIBLY defensive and angry before I even had a chance to say anything. Well, I told her she hadn't told me that and she basically starts speaking very shrilly and says "I DID tell you and you acted like you didn't care, so I didn't mention it again." And then she tells me that the party starts at 2 and I can come if I want. (She lives about 2.5 hours away.) So I just said, I would really like to come but you know I cannot be around momma. And she was like "alright, bye" and hung up the phone. I immediately busted out crying. I never miss my nephew's birthdays. I love those little boys as much as my own son. My sis specifically said because she was going to Disney that she wasn't going to do any parties this year because they were going to celebrate while there. I mean, she SPECIFICALLY SAID NO PARTIES. I even offered to let her have her parties with my son (his bday was 2 weeks ago), but she didn't want to do that. Anyway, as I was sitting there crying and trying to figure out how I could have not known she was having a party I realized that she didn't tell me on purpose! She always has chosen my mother over me and this was obviously one of those times when she'd rather have my mom there than me and my family!!!! God, this hurts so ****ing badly! I am really doing my best not to send her an email telling her that I am sick of this behavior. Its not fair. I don't remember if I said this in this thread or somewhere else, but my mom severely physically and mentally abused me and my brother (NOT MY SISTER) and after many years of continued abuse as an adult, I have chosen to no longer interact with her. My sister has consistently taken my mother's side in this and has even tried repeatedly to make it like I'm being unreasonable about everything. The thing is she's never been abused by my mother, but she saw the horrible, horrible abuse my brother and I suffered through. You think that would mean something to her. But it means nothing. She didn't hurt her, so my sis just doesn't even fricken CARE! Oh I am just heartbroken.

There are some things you cannot control. I am so glad you had a chance to talk to your nephew.

Love yourself. Be well.

[Junerain]

((((perpetuallysad))))

Wow as much as love your sister's children it looks like she controls how much you are in their lives,very,very sad

My heart goes out to you..

Can you limit contact with your sister somehow? just a thought...

She sounds extremely manipulative and downright nasty

You on the other hand are a beautiful person, I can tell

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks Junerain. I can limit contact if I want, but as it is, my sister is the only family member I have contact with and basically the only person on earth I have to talk to (though admittedly those are one sided conversations focused on her life). If I stand up to her, I won't get to see her kids and I truly love those children as my own. I have been struggling with this whole thing for a long time, and its been driving me crazy all day today to think of just letting her do this to me, but I don't want to lose the kids! Oh I am in a circular reasoning that won't work out. Ug.

[Junerain]

Can you cultivate some good and true friendships somehow, if you need more people to talk to? My situation is similiar and I live for my friends, our conversations are everything to me!! Can you join a church, join a book club, join a support group, what are your interests?

[pondbc]

"I would like to get that book about Narcissistic mothers"

Often your local library can do an interlibrary loan for books you want.

[perpetuallysad]

Good idea, harrietgate!

[garden]

It is hard saying NO. But once said, it shouldn't take you long to feel that power of taking care of yourself. Sure, some will be angry and wel all know that they'll get over it.

I am the youngest of 5 siblings, two sisters and two brothers and I have very little contact or conversation. I found it refreshingly nice to skip the drama and all the stuff you get sucked into. Now that I say "no" I'm mean. Thank God for meaness.
Begin with those things you hold dear. Listen to your feelings then decide whether yes or no is appropriate.

http://www.mommd.com/settingboundaries.shtml

[perpetuallysad]

You make me feel like I'm in therapy Byz (that's not a bad thing). I can read that article and intellectually understand its sentiment, but I cannot fathom on how to really do this. I mean, in this specific instance, what boundary did my sister cross? My not wanting to be treated like **** boundary? And how do I say sis, I don't like when you chose my mom over me? To me, that seems like a "selfish" thing to say and I can tell you right now, nearly word for word, what she would respond to that: "You're the one who messes everything up because you won't be around her. I'm not going to change all of my plans and not invite her just because you are mad at her right now." To me, saying that I will no longer spend time around my mother is me setting a clear boundary. I have not allowed this boundary to be broken for over a year now. I do not even ask my sister questions about my mother. For lack of a better analogy, I treat it as if she were dead. So, to me, it seems like my sister has created a boundary that says "I am going to continue to allow mom to come to all family events." Which leaves me in a position where I feel I must defend my boundary by not going, therefore not seeing my mom. While I have set my boundary and am enforcing it well, my sister doesn't have any desire to incorporate my needs and desires into her family plans. Obviously this is part of a larger problem. What about me makes it where I will do many things that make myself uncomfortable to accommodate and help her but she makes absolutely NO effort to even pretend to do the same for me. But then, when I allow myself to do uncomfortable things to "make her happy" I suppose its my own fault when I become upset and uncomfortable. Ug. I'm really not even asking her to do uncomfortable things, I would just prefer to be treated with respect. Her acting like she invited me when she clearly had not and then yelling at me for saying she hadn't just isn't fair, it hurt me a lot. As much as I wouldn't have liked it, why couldn't she have just told me from the beginning she was having a birthday party and inviting my mother (which makes it a given that I won't be attending)? Even though that would hurt me by not allowing me to be around my nephews, it would have kept me from being slapped in the face by my non-invite at the last minute.

Right now I really want to email her and say that. But I fear her retaliation for doing that.

This is why I am a ****ing nutcase.