[Lost_1231]

Hello, everyone!!!

I'm new to this website. So please bear with me okay?

I'm a male, in my mid-30's. I have a great job, I'm single, my own place to live, things couldn't get much better than they do. But I have a major issue that I am trying to deal with...

I'm in love with my best friend, and he doesn't know how I feel.

We've been best friends for over 3 years.

A long time ago, I was the victim of sexual assaults over a 9 year period. I was forced to do things that I didn't want to participate in, for the simple fact that I wasn't strong enough to defend myself, or had anyone on my side to help me.

My family was never a positive outlet for me. My mother was no help. I was raped the 1st time when I was 17, and when I told her, I begged for help, and she did nothing.

She died of cancer 6 months later at age 40. To this day, I cannot believe I shed tears over her.

My father was a dead-beat, now he's just dead, he's not even an issue in my life, he was never there, so be it ... May he rot in Hell.

Further sexual attacks occurred in the 1990's by a family friend. He'd force me to perform oral sex, and he'd hold me down while performing sexual acts upon me.

I tried laying charges, but the Canadian Justice system is too lenient on sexual attackers, I believe they should be locked up for life.

When these attacks happened, I was still a virgin. I had dreams of getting married, further my education, and manage my own executive car service (limo company).

Those dreams went down the drain when my soul & innocence were stolen from me.

I tried getting help for myself, and every time I tried, the attempts failed. I would come away from sessions, hating myself, and as a result of that, I would do things to hurt myself, both emotionally & sexually.

Several times, I would allow random men to do whatever they wanted to me, because that was all I ever knee about sex, just let sick, twisted men take advantage of me, because that was all I was ever exposed to.

I never enjoyed the experiences. With what I went through, it was my understanding that my feelings don't matter, they never did.

This went on for years, a constant journey of self-hatred & loathing.

Then, one day a few years back, I walked into a room, and the most amazing person walked into my life & changed me forever. His name's Mitchell.

We met through mutual friends that we had, and right away we hit it off. He was someone who was being genuinely nice to me. We met at a party that we were both invited to, and while everyone else was doing their thing, he & I spent the majority of the party to ourselves.

This is when the feelings began to come into play ...

That night, there was alot of drinking and drugs involved.

It all started when Mitchell rubbed his hand against mine, and when I looked at him, he was looking right at me, and I could begin to feel things inside of me that I never felt before.

I couldn't keep my hands off him all night. I was touching him all over, and he didn't appear to mind that I was doing it. If he objected, he would have said something, as he's very outspoken & don't take crap off anyone, but he just laid there, smiling.

I couldn't believe that it was happening, and I couldn't stop myself. For the 1st time in my life, I was truly enjoying what it was like to be close to someone.

We never had sex that night, but we came close. There were other people at this gathering, so we were discreet about what was going on between us.

I never spoke of this night to anyone, and I'm pretty sure he didn't either.

We became good friends after that night, we never spoke of what happened between us. But the odd time, we did talk about that night, just not the "make-out" session that occurred.

A couple years ago, a couple of his friends (bad influences) that knew him well, told me that he was bi-sexual, that he liked the company of men once in awhile.

They didn't know what went on between Mitchell & I, and I never questioned their statement further, I just laughed at it.

One night, I came to the realization, that I was in love with Mitchell. Every time I see him, I want so badly to tell him.

But I'm afraid that if I do, he will walk out of my life for good, and hate me. He's my best friend in the whole world. We may have had our rough spots in our friendship over the last few years, but he taught me that forgiveness is a very important part of life.

I even have a very long letter written for him, explaining everything, how I felt, and the things in our friendship that brought me to these feelings.

Someone on another online discussion forum, knows about my feelings. He tells me that I should go for it, and tell him, but I'm scared that I will lose my best friend, it would kill me to lose him, nobody was ever truly there for me in my life, as much as he was, and I love him dearly for that.

I made a vow to myself, that if Mitchell rejected me, that I will never allow anyone to touch me in that special way. I'd be willing to never be loved in my life if that ever happened.

I'd rather spend my life alone if he never wanted me. Nobody can ever replace him, ever ...

What do I do? I'm so confused, lost, mixed-up over this? I drink alot more than I used to, I just wish that he felt the same way. But I know that he don't, and that kills me.

Maybe I wasn't meant to love. It took me a lifetime to find this incredible person.

Hello, Lost_1231. What is the plan? You going to wonder the rest of your life, or are you going to take a chance?

[Lost_1231]

I'm taking a major chance by telling him. All I can picture, is telling him, and seeing the hatred in his eyes, the screaming that would happen, the crying I would be doing.

I really want to tell him, you have no idea!!!

But if I do, I will lose my best friend forever, and it will kill me

I don't know what to do. I have a really long letter that I wrote, and I was thinking of just leaving it for him, and walking out of his life for good.

That way he wouldn't have to look at me anymore, knowing how I feel about him. It would be way too awkward for him.

[AShadow721]

Do you have a mutual friend that could ask him if he is bi, just to make sure before you tell him about your feelings? I could understand that someone that is straight might get a little freaked out about it and not want to talk to you again. However, if he is bi, there's a chance he likes you the same way, and then there's a chance he doesn't. But I think if he is open to the idea of men being together, he will probably be understanding. I've had friends tell me they had feelings for me, and when I didn't feel the same in return, I still remained their friend. There's something strong about friendship sometimes, at least for me. But either way, you won't know how he feels until you ask him.

[El-ahrairah]

GO FOR IT, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE IT'S BETTER TO KNOW THAN TO LIVE IN UNCERTAINTY!!!

When my bf and I were just friends we were best friends too, and I was so scared to say a word about my feelings. He grew up in a terrible situation too but when he found out how I felt I learned he loved me too.
Now we are together and happy for the most part :3 lol

[Lost_1231]

He called me earlier, and he knows that there is something major on my mind, and he don't like the factn that I've been drinking alot, to try and deal with it.

He told me that we're gonna discuss what is going on with me, and to be honest, I'm scared. When I see him (which might be this weekend), I may just run away when I see him, but a part of me wants to be there with him, a big part!!!

He told me on the phone that he was my friend, and that I could come to him about anything that was bothering me. He absolutely hates it if anyone bothers me, he protects me like that, he always asks if there is anyone that is giving me a hard time.

I have the letter that explains everything about us since we met, the things that led me to fall for him. If he felt the same way, my life would be complete, and I wouldn't be so lost and alone.

I wish there was some kind of sign that he felt the same way, because a part of me strongly believes he does ...

...maybe he's scared too ...

Soon you will know.

[Lost_1231]

I decided to email him the letter, and prepare to never see him ever again.

I am in alot of pain over this, but I have to do it. He's my best friend in the whole world, and knowing inside what I'm about to do, it's going to tear me to shreds.

It would be way too awkward, being around each other, and him knowing that I'm in love with him, I don't wanna make him uncomfortable.

He doesn't deserve to feel that way, he's too good of a person.

I can't face him once he knows the truth ...

[Perna]

Okay, if he's your best friend, you have to behave like a friend! Friends don't play games and act all coy and send emails about something on their heart that needs discussing. If he's a true friend, he's not going to get angry/disgusted/whatever it is you've gotten your worked up imagination creating for you. If he does act that way; he wasn't a friend and could never have become a lover, etc.

Which reminds me of an amusing ditty/greeting card that might make you feel better:

"Beware of friends turned into lovers. . .
They'll steal your heart and then your covers."

[Shangrala]

I think a letter is a good idea, (allows you to convey exactly what you're feeling in the way it needs to be expressed). But, it would seem better that maybe you should read the letter to him, instead of sending it?

Just a thought....

Shangrala

[Lost_1231]

I have the letter all ready to send ... I last seen him a few hours ago before I headed home ... I couldn't even look at him , it hurt way too much ...

[Lost_1231]

I just sent the letter to him.

[Jenn1fer82]

You'll never know untill you ask. Give yourself that chance to be happy and find out. Take that step and you'll know if you should move on. You can't go on the rest of your life questioning all the "what if's". I wish you the best of luck. Find good positive support and hang in there.

[Lost_1231]

I sent him the letter, he got it, said he don't feel the same way ... but he said I was his best friend ... I'm still scared to face him, I can't, with how I feel, knowing he don't feel that way ... I'd be better off dead ... it would be way too awkward, too bad the Grim Reaper wouldn't come & take me NOW!!! I'm so embarrassed ...

Preparing for a life alone, I will never let anyone into my heart the way he did.

[Lost_1231]

I've been suicidal ever since I told him, maybe being dead would be better, that way, there's no awkward feelings, just me in a casket, end of story ... I feel like a major piece of **** for loving him ...

Lost_1231, you have quite a history of concerns. Talk of suicide is serious business. Please get referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and any appropriate treatment.

You need help now.

[Lost_1231]

Therapy failed me several times in the past ... I have no faith in it ...

I decided to do whatever to hurt myself because I loved him. I only eat once a day (if that), smoke like a chimney, and drink all the time.

I'm at the point I don't care anymore, my 1st shot at feeling love ever, and shot down, it's the last time I'm ever put down ...

From here on in, only I will hurt myself, and I don't give a sweet **** what happens to me ...

That's my final answer to all this ...

Do not forget to stop to smell the roses.

[Lost_1231]

I'm drinking right now, I started at 9:30 this morning, it's the only way I can deal with this humiliation & embarrassment, from here on in, my life is dedicated to hurting myself, I can't even love and it's wrong, so why love at all?

This ordeal taught me that I am a major piece of garbage. There is nothing that will ever make me smile, ever again, that part of me is dead, and I really wish I was dead & gone, I'm sorry but these feelings within me are forever.

It is your life. You can choose to make it a miserable one. I hope soon you realize how irrational you are and seek professional help.

[secret_titan]

Lost_1231,

I hope everything is better for you today. I understand that it can be hard to put yourself out there, only to be denied. Just try to remember the past few years. A good memory can save your life when nothing seems to be going right.

The only thing I can really tell you is to keep putting yourself out there. You aren't the first person in the world to be rejected, and most certaintly, won't be the last. It will get easier in time.

[Sameera]

It is never easy having to deal with the feelings of losing someone you love.

When my wife died I had a firearm to my head multiple times just trying to find some reason not to pull the trigger. It turned out that she was that reason. She was gone but my memory and my wish to honor her were not.

After that I fell very deeply into depression and it took a long time for me to seek help. I did and it still took a long time to reach meaningful improvements. You have to let them help you and stick with it for it to help you.

I can tell you I know what it is like to feel as though you have lost it all, that your entire life is gone. The truth is that you life isn't gone, it is worth living, and living well.

It sounds like he is still wanting to be your friend, do you really wish to give that up because your embarrassed?

How do you know that he might not end up changing his mind down the road? You aren't even giving him the option. I know a couple that were friends for 10 years before they figured out that they loved each other, they have been married for over 20 now.

If nothing else you should realize that you still have that same great friend that you had before. That hasn't changed, you just need to see that it is there.