Totally numb

I posted here last year and then stopped. My h uses verbal and emotional abuse to relate to me. I look back now and see that I have lived in fear and pain for the past 6 years. I have endured his affairs, his rages for hours, his isolation of me from family and friends. And his behavior just escalates, each year is worse than the last.

When he approaches me, I without thought, take steps backwards, look for all possible exits, etc. When the attacks come for no reason out of nowhere, you are left anxious and wondering what will happen next? I have realized there is no why? He just does things. He never says he is sorry and loves to tell me that I deserve to be yelled at for hours, that I must do what he say and when, that he does have the right to say what I can and cannot wear, how to bathe myself, drive to work, when to sleep or not to sleep. And of course follows it all up with a demand for sex for hours. All about his control and power.

I do not even exist anymore. Just wanted to leave this last message so someone will know that I am gone. Someone will mark the death of my soul.

Booboooooooo

I didn't know you last year, but your description of what you're putting up with... makes me really sad... and mad at your husband! WHY are you still with him???

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

This is pathological behavior. Don't subject yourself to it any longer.

Contact a women's crisis center immediately.

They are expert at rapidly moving you to a safe and secret location, then helping you find the way to a new life free of abuse.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

booboo66,

I have been where you are...and it does not have to be that way. Your soul does not have to die.

kv's advice is good - contact your local women's center...if you PM me with your location, I can help you find it. They can help you through the legal maze to get a protection from abuse order, they can find you housing, they can help you get back on your feet. I know they can do this, because they did it for me.

It may not always be easy to get away from him...but it is so much better than letting him continue to abuse you.

Good luck...please don't give up.
*hugs*
mj

booboo,

First and foremost don't be too hard on yourself for having put up with the abuse, actually that is very common. I learned a great deal about abusive relationhips when I was in the process of starting a dmoestic violence program at a hospital I once worked at. Many women stay with abusive aprtners for a whole host of reasons.

The advice to seek out a women's center or a domestic violence hotline is sound. The number for teh National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. You need to free yourself from the abuse. No one should have to put up with that. And, experience shows that in most cases the abuse will not stop until you take drastic action to remove yourself from the situation.

I know because my ex wife was very verbally abusive, and at the end was physically abusive as well. She even got to the point after I left where she was physically abusive to my son when she got real stressed out. So I have both professional and personal experience in this type of situation. I know first hand how it robs you of your self esteem and who you are as a person.

I am so sorry that you have held to deal with that for so long. Please recognize that it is his problem and not yours. There are lots of resources out there to help you, support groups, professionals that see this every day. You are not alone and there are lots of people that can help you.

booboo,

If you contact mj and it turns out you are closer to the West Coast, she can put you in touch with me. I've done crisis counseling and have many contacts here. You do not have to suffer thru this anymore, you deserve better. But as hard as it may be, you have to take that first step. Many of us here will be glad to help. Get safe and stay safe.

Hugs,
bptoo

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work."

{{{{{{{{{{{{Booboo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I understand completely - it is almost like my life with my husband.......terrible isn't it, when you flinch everytime someone comes near you because you expect to get hit?

Do you have children? If so, how old are they? I'm surprised you haven't shut down by now, so that you don't really feel the physical abuse.

You do need to get away from him if you can..........crisis centers are a big help and if you see a therapist or your own doctor, they can help as well.

You have rights........and one is to live.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{BooBoo}}}}}}}}}}} A soul is very hard to kill. It may have hidden itself away to stay safe but if you follow everyone else's advice ASAP you soul will flower once again. Please get help. You are in my thoughts, take care dear one,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Hello. I don't know who you are even though that doesn't matter, I hope that the posts from other members have inspired you to take the actions necessary so you can reach the safety and sanity of the world (THIS ONE!) that DOES want you to exist and remain in it. It is never too late, and there is never a time like the present! DO IT! There is a world of happiness, beauty, and LOVE that awaits you, but only YOU can make the decision to leave. So let this be it.
Godspeed.

(((((booboo))))) Sweetie, you deserve much better than this. You are a special and unique person - just as important as the next.

I've read and agree with the posts of everyone here. Please ... do follow KV's advice ... do it now! Ok? Please?

Please take action before he does more than just kill who you are and know that we here do care and want to help. I am sure you could pm anyone of us at anytime should you just feel the need to talk, or want support.

This is no excuse, nor can there ever be for someone being so mean, so cruel to another. Be you sweetie, as only you can.

Big hugs sweetie! I'm thinking of you.

Sam