If it looks and smells like a rose - is it a rose?

Hi All-
I've been married to a police officer for 10 years now have two children together.

Here's my situation: my husband is a PO, works the midnight shift, works 4 days on - 4 days off and almost always works OT. He's a very good-looking man (lets not forget his uniform) and articulate, I am aware of numerous affairs that his co-workers have (he tiold me) and I know that the infidelity rate amongst shift workers and LE are higher than the general public.

My guts keep knawing at me that he is up to something. A few years back a neighbor woman sext-ed him and after I confronted him him said it was all her doing. I CHOSE to believe him. A few days later, we ran into this woman and she started taking to him and he chatted back. Needless to say, he got the full force of my ire. When I later asked him why he had spoken to her I was dumbfounded when he said he didn't want to appear rude to HER. He had chosen her feelings over mine.

So, with all the stats, the fact that he put another womans feeling over mine, and the OT - am I trying too hard to assume that he is behaving himself. I basically fight with myself to have faith that he's not getting into something. Am I niave like some of my girlfriends suggest? Do I trust my feelings or are my insecurities ruling me?

Hello 50wife,

This is a minefield. It is difficult for me because I was married to a po and his affairs were legendary. He also used to say things like "I didn't want to appear rude to her"; needless to say I was miffed but he was full on all the time...He was having an affair with his secretary (police ancillary worker/public service), but he was having affairs on her too he couldn't lie straight in bed...the bastard...I found photos of him with other women, I saw official dinner photos where he'd told me that wives weren't invited but the other guys had their wives there. He even did this to me when he officially retired. He took his secretary instead of me.

He would do dreadful things in public in front of me, and I really can't discuss what they were because it's not appropriate here. I had more proof than I needed and I left more than once. But he would always charm me back...I wonder now why I was so stupid in going back and putting up with it all in the first place...I also wonder why he wanted to keep me? Why was it important to him that he had this wife he cheated on and excluded from official functions except when his secretary wasn't available. I admit I was a great housewife...was being the operative...since I left I've hardly done anything and only touched an Iron about twice...He literally riuned me...made me useless

Now this is only my story, so it doesn't mean your husband is cheating...but rather than guessing, get one of those women who catch husbands out by coming onto them, they then report it to the wife... Don't know what it costs but it night be worth it for you? Or call Cheaters...wouldn't that be an episode to watch? Don't even know if they have that show still going...

I really wish you well on this...in one way it can be heartbreaking but in another it can be liberating...but I'd want to know how and why that woman got his number...

Rhiannon

Wow, Rhiannon. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiance with that "man" you were married to. As you pointed out, your situation was so much clearer than mine. All I have to go on is one episode, statistics and a hunch that may or may not be accurate. I will definatly try to find some way of testing him. That's as productive I can be at this point. I would love to take the road of "he wouldn't do that to me", but I can't ignore that knawing. Thanks for writing. By the way, don't let your ex's nasty and bad behavior define you. You are much greater than he'll ever know.

Wow, Rhiannon. I'm so sorry to hear that you suffered through so much with that ex of yours. As you pointed out, you had more obvious clues to what was going on with him. I have only that one episode, statistics and this persistant uneasiness. I would love to take the road "he wouldn't do that to me" but it's hard for me to ignore my guts without first investigating it. Thanks so much for the advice. I'd rather know myself cause if he is stepping out on me, he can keep stepping straight outta my life! Oh, don't let your ex's bad behavior define you. Pick up that iron (if it made you happy before) and reclaim yourself.

I started out with the one instance...that was the first of many that he ended up not even trying to really hide except for telling me I was crazy and that I was inventing it all...funny how other peoples cameras invented what I was thinking...

Please don't let this gnawing feeling go unchecked..I had that too and it was only when he realised that his constant denials were no longer working that he stopped denying ...he even said to me "I'll come out of this smelling like a rose" and he said that in more than one circumstance for more than one reason.

Don't be in love with his good looks, they won't last forever...and that woman had to get his number somehow..

I wish you the best in this

Go with your gut feelings.. I chose to ignore mine and believe my other half.... but in the end I was doubting my sanity so much that I pulled out all stops and found out the truth. Truth hurts but it will set you free xxxx

I recommend you to watch movie "Chloe".....This is the movie about the woman who got suspicious on her husband and hired a professional lady to investigate.....I don't want to ruin the movie for you....just please watch it....you need to see that movie.....
What other Police officers are doing out there doesn't mean that your guy would do the same......
I know how it feels thinking that he placed another woman ahead of you and talked to her despite of knowing that you are sensitive about it.....but in reality, what can he do? he can't be rude and not talking to the lady either....and you might not like to have such a husband as well....
Not really sure what the situation was but just my thoughts.....
I think it's good to think positively and good about your relationship instead of spoiling it with negative thoughts.....
Also, the best way to figure out is him....ask him directly and see how is his responses? you know your husband better than anybody else.....
One evil thing is to do the same to him....you start flirting with guys, see how he feels....does he feel okay if a guy sext-ed you!!!!
I remember my cousin in Germany told me that he used to go out with his friends and come home late....his wife at that time were so upset....well....she went out a night and came even later than him to him.....he was so upset that he never did the same.....hehehe.....
We got to learn from smart ladies....
take care of yourself and be happy for having a handsome officer.....I'm sure he loves you so much that's why he's married to you for 10 years....
marjan

I think he talked to her because he's a chicken :-) It wasn't that he chose her over you, he chose himself over you; it was easier to talk to her than not to talk to her (he might have to explain or make a scene) and using the excuse it would have appeared "rude" not to, is a generally socially acceptable excuse he hoped you would fall for.

He doesn't sound dumb enough to keep up any sort of relationship with this woman, since you are watching/know? I don't know if he'll try with someone else or if they did/did not have something going before you found out or what but I think I'd put MY foot down if the other shoe drops?

Hi 50wife;
Welcome to PC. As a former PO I can tell you that it is a very difficult job and the divorce rate is very high because of the contact male officers often have with women on the job. There were many days that women called my house because I gave them my card as a courtesy or if they needed to follow up with additional info. Did I always tell my wife who it was........no, why, because it was job related. Did she have suspicions... most definately, but I was honest about it all. There were times that women became a problem and I got more than my share of opportunity.
I think a honest talk with your husband is in order. Tell him that you feel he is hiding something. Ask him for the truth. If it is another woman ask him what his feelings are about you and your marriage. I am a true believer in communication. There are things he cannot and will not tell you about, but he might open up if he is asked without an accusatory tone.

As far as getting someone to trap him....that is just wrong. Also it just might backfire, LEO's are very good at picking up on a scam, especially dealing with women. A woman that comes onto him may just find herself in jail for soliciting for prostution and then she would spill the story about your little game of entrapment. How would that play out in your relationship? The best way is to be honest and tell him the feelings/vibes you are picking up. If he denies it, at least he will be armed with the knowledge that you are on his trail and that will put the brakes on it.

Best of luck to you and prayers for the safety of your husband.

I totally agree with 50guy....it's good to have a guy's perspective here...specially from the same background.....
I do believe in good communication....fighting won't work and as I said watch Chleo and you will get a good example of a woman who hired a professional to find out about his husband fertility.....
take care and hope everything will be fine
Marjan

Thank you all for your input.
50guy - I really appreciate your response. I agree with pretty much everything you shared, however my husband is a rotten communicator. He has a pretty explosive temper when he's confronted with any thing he percieves as criticism, no matter how many different ways I approach him. He's a lousy listener as well. The past four arguements we had were long drawn out miseries because he THOUGHT I was saying something that I hadn't. This may be why I'm relying on my guts here. Never a good thing. I hear you about the trap. It would be a lousy thing for me to do. After I cooled down, I realzed it wasn't in me to do. Not in my charactor.
Oh, thank you for your service.

Marjan - I'll definately check out the movie...

Hello 50guy

I want to state up front that this is just a discussion

Now I know that not all police have affairs I'm not that silly, but to think that it isn't the norm is incorrect. You are probably a really nice man true to your wife and your wedding vows, I commend you for that. It would be nice if there were more like you. Some police become unusually stroppy because they are used to being the talker not the talked to. They don't like being questioned and get quite nasty if they are confronted. I saw one officer at a BBQ put his fist through the wall to the side of his wifes head, because she asked him why his ex-affair was at the BBQ...

A woman would only be taken in for solicitation if money is mentioned. As a police officer you would know that. The women who do this PI work are very professional. They do not hit on the men, the men always hit on them. It is not entrapment. And honestly if you think that no police officer plays up, you do need to think again. A womans gut feelings are rarely wrong, it's called a womans intuition.

A man is a man before he is a police officer, and there are so many women attracted to the uniform, and I've seen many an officer use that to their advantage. I do not know of one police divorce over the nearly 30 years I was married to a police officer that did not happen because of infidelity...My ex husband ended up being too cocky..he was under investigation for sexual harrassment, but all of his troops and his police friends managed to keep it hidden from me.

Hi again,
I am not defending the cheaters in the ranks of the LEO's, however the vast majority of PO's are not cheaters. We take a vow of Integrity, Honor and Service. That is not to say that we are not tempted. An offer of money or a quid pro quo does not have to happen for a person to be arrested for solicitation. although it is not enforced in many states, fornication, adultery and lewd acts are illegal. Just an officer threatening to make an arrest if he is suspicious, (and they are by nature), would be enough to shake any PI out of trying to get him in a trap.I don't want to argue over this subject, yes many PO's are bad in keeping their marriage vows and many have come to me for counsel, however, the vast majority of married PO's are not cheaters.
I was on the force for 5 years, my son, my nephew and many friends are PO's. In the past 18 years of counseling within the LEO community I have heard a lot and seen a lot, but I can say that during that time most of the marriages were healed and made whole. A great many of them were from misunderstanding, miscommunication and alcoholism. Divorce was easy way out and certinly not rampant. That is my experiance.

I just can't understand why anyone would do such a thing. When people take a vow or make a promise, doesn't that MEAN something? Wouldn't it be easier (in the long run) for us to be honest with each other and say "Hey, this does not work for me anymore". The hurt and rejection would be there, but the humiliation, broken trust, etc would not.

How are things going 50wife?

Hopefully things have settled for you and are more relaxed for you. Or has your husband continued to have contact with this woman? I hope not

Thanks for asking, Rhianonsmoon. Actually, I've been fluctuating between being enraged, really sad, profoundly hurt, and back to enraged. At this moment in time I really hate him for being so damned weak. He says he did it because he was mad at me. What a feckin' moron!

AURRGGGHHHHH.....Nowhere to scream but here!!!!! How can I possibly DO this? After we talked about his infidelity he told me that he would "Like to grow old with me". I said that although it would take alot of time, patience (on HIS part) and room for me to emote, I would one day forgive him for his affair. He said he was sorry and regretted doing it. Fine. My question - if your mate CHOSE to try to forgive and stay, wouldn't that mean that maybe he should be a bit more attentive? I swear it feels the same before the "Big reveal"...I feel so stupid!

He's just as distant as before.

Scream as much as you want. Nothing will make you feel better about yourself and the situation until you find a way to heal yourself.

Can I ask - well I'm going to - Why did you expect him to change? Is it something that has to happen? Are you holding him to 'ransom' by agreeing to stay with him?

I'm not trying to be harsh but it is something my T said to me when Mark made moves to get back with me... What would the outcome be, would I ever trust him again, would I make his life hell because I would want to know where he was at ALL moments of time..

Trust is something that you have to open up your heart to give, it's not something to be bought, earnt or given by the other person, it has to come from within yourself.

I do wish you every luck in the world for this to work out the way that you want it too xxx