[Belle1979]

Hey all

So my man is back (works 4 weeks away and back 1 week). He has been back for 2 days and still no sex... after him beiong away for 4 weeks I am (to put it bluntly) randy as all get out
We have seen each other each night, the first night he stayed and said he was just too tired - I can understand that he had been up since 4am to fly back to Perth... but last night I made a move and got knocked back. He says he'll make up for it on the weekend.. but still, I think that after 4 weeks away, most guys, would have one thing on their mind....
Plus we have only been together for a few months.. shouldn't it still be the 'ripping each others clothes off' stage??

Opinions please

[Yoda]

I don't think there is "normal". Everybody is different.

Your post reminded me of my exhusband. I was always the one with the desire but he had lower libido. After our divorce I met my BF (now deceased) who had a high libido so things went quite well in that department even when we were having conflict in the relationship.

Is there any chance your man could be depressed? That could lower the sex drive.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Yoda
I don't think he is depressed, just a happy go lucky type of guy with no real worries in his life. My ex was depressed but still wanted sex if it was on offer!

But seriously 4 weeks away... I just want to jump him when he gets back.. I'm really not used to being 'knocked back' and it is killing my self confidence. He's is loving, cuddles, kisses.. just not the next stage.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Oh dear ((((Belle))))

I was ripping cothes of for months after I met my partner (I guess after nearly 10 yrs celibate I was oiled coiled and ready), but he only wanted it at certain times. I thought it was me but he in fact had hurt his back very badly and was too proud to tell me that it was affecting his ability to attain and sustain an erection for a while there.

But I do think your man would be tired. I am anxious for you now because I know you are doubting the relationship because of your past history with the dirtbag.

Please relax and take it easy. As my man used to say "expect the unexpected" and one night he unexpected me 5 times

[Belle1979]

Hehehe love the last sentence Rhiannon You made me laugh.

He seems keen to 'play' over the weekend... so will see what happens, only thing now is that I am exhausted after a very stressful working week with little to no sleep.

I've never had a relationship start out as this has. It could be something very much like you said, he does have 'tummy troubles' since he had his gall bladder out a few years ago.

My other thought (on my doubting the relationship - yep you were right again Rhian LOL) is that I am off my anti-depressants - weaned off properly etc. My closest friend who also suffers from depression said to me today "I think your anti-depressants are totally out of you system, maybe you weren't ready hun". I admitt I feel like I could crawl up in a ball in my room and never leave tonight. I was meant to go out to dinner to meet some of his mates, but truthfully I just don't feel up to it.

Fingers crossed that I get the 'unexpected' soon

[RomanSunburn]

My boyfriend and I are kind of dealing with this issue right now, and have been for awhile. Granted, we've also been together for almost 5 years, but because the first 4 of those were long distance, we never really had the whole honeymoon period fade to normal business. But yeah, even when we were long distance, my boyfriend just didn't have a high sex drive. He LOVES cuddling. Honestly, I think he'd be perfectly fine if we only cuddled every night and maybe fooled around three times a month. He's all about the affection, but not so much about the sex. I kind of wonder if it's because his first experience wasn't that great; he was pretty much forced by his ex, so now he just doesn't put as much importance on it as he does on cuddling. Recently, my mom and sister were visiting for a week, and we didn't do anything that week. He didn't even try to start anything for the first two days (at which point I got frustrated and brought it up) and he said, "I didn't realize we were in a rush." Boys are silly.

Okay, enough rambling. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. But I agree, there really isn't any "normal." This is one of those things we kind of have to decide if we can handle. Am I gunna leave my boyfriend because of his low sex drive? No. Am I gunna be frustrated and have to constantly work on my self esteem/image and not let myself blame myself for it? Yes. A very big resounding yes on that one.

Also, remember your sex drive might be a little higher than it used to be because of the fact that the anti depressants are out of your system (heck, I notice the difference if I forget one day of prozac!)

Good luck! Don't beat yourself up over this! I promise it's not about you

[Cthomas]

Sounds like a lot of us. But in my case my husband has slim to NONE in the libido dept. We have sex maybe 6 times a YEAR.....

he insists its not me (u know how I feel.....BAD)

ive learned its just not that important to him....Still depresses the hell out of me.

C

[mysecretname]

Wow... So I hope you all don't mind a man's point of view... There are a lot of reasons that this could be happening... I have my experience with long distance, as I am currently long distance and I have spent 5 years in the U.S. Army, with all of my training, three years in Germany and two deployments (currently in my second), I have plenty of experience with long distance. I will try to hit all of my reasons without being too much of a devil's advocate here... since no one wants that.

To get the worst out of the way, you haven't been dating very long, how well do you know him, and how well do you know what happens when he is away for four weeks at a time...? Maybe he isn't as "pent up" as you are. I will stop there.

As Roman put above, past relationships could have forced him into thinking less of sex in general or maybe just in his ability to perform. Was he having sex when he didn't want it? Was he never told that he was good enough when he did do it? Do you let him know (or did his past partners?) how much you enjoy sex with him? I know that with my ex-wife, my sex drive was very low, because during one of our times away I found out she had been faking it with me from the start and it hurt me. Also, there were other issues, cheating, lying, and just generally not feeling loved or cared about. All of those things whether current or in the past can affect his "drive". Although with my current girlfriend my drive is the total opposite, she has a very high drive, and mine has jumped to match because our relationship and trust in one another is so much better.

There could be a physical problem also. Where mental issues can block sex drive, cause premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, physical issues are also not to be over looked. Have you tried to Google if sex drive can be a complication or side effect of gull bladder surgery? He could have a hormone problem causing him to have low testosterone and a low sex drive. Does he work out often, lift weights, physically active? All of those can increase testosterone and improve sex drive... Is he overweight, especially around the midsection? Even as few as a couple of inches of belly fat can significantly lower testosterone in the body and cause him to have a lower sex drive... Just a few things to think about. If this continues, there is testing that can be done (and usually covered by health insurance) to find out if there are any physical reasons for a lower sex drive or other associated problems....

Lastly, he could just naturally have a much lower need for sex than you... As that may not be good news, it can be true, although personally I would look to other areas before I left it at this. As in men this is unusual. Men are physically "wired" to need sex. Sex releases hormones that are not released at any other time for a man that cause feelings of closeness. A man's body needs physical release, or otherwise he would likely have "night emissions". Also, not having sex (or being denied sex, although this is not your case) can have a deep emotional impact on a man's psyche, that can cause serious problems in a relationship. I would recommend a book called "For Women Only" by Anne Rice. It gives a very good look into the "typical" (I say typical because every man is different), man's thoughts and emotions that is very close to the mark. I would recommend the set (she also has a "For Men Only" too) to any couple as it is very educational on the mysteries of the opposite sex.

One last tip... testosterone levels are usually highest for a man around 0700 (7 am), so you may want to try to get a little frisky in the morning instead of at night....

Hope I haven't been too much of a downer.... good luck and I hope for the best...

[Belle1979]

Thanks EVERYONE and yes a male opinion is very important...

We had a good weekend away and yes had sex both nights. Found out that he doesn't 'like' some things that I thought every guy liked - oral sex... receiving that is - not that he has given either. Sounds like he had a bad experience and it's put him off that side of things. Said it was 'painful' but that hes not saying 'no' to trying again.
The sex is good when it happens, very romantic, loving etc. but changing it up would suit me a bit better I think... I just don't know.

He seems fairly inexperienced i guess, but maybe I"m just too experienced I don't know. Have always had a blast in the bedroom... part of every relationship i thought, especially at the start.

I don't think he's a cheat - and doesn't seem to 'help him self' while he is away..

It's just making me feel very unloved. Plus there are huge issues in my head over relationships.. but i think that will have to be another thread.

While he is away he says "I love you" lots... but since he has been back only the one time. Back to "I like you lots and lots and lots".... I'm so emotionally insecure that I don't know what to do. I said "I love you" while we were away, he replied with "how much" (playfully).. and then changed the subject like WTF?

I really like him, there seems to be no hidden demons in his head but I am starting to wonder if he is still in love with his ex ex GF.... It was over 5 years ago and they still keep in touch.. I'm an insecucure mess ATM.

Today is his last day here and he left this morning to take his sister into the city, says he's be back later then he is going out to dinner with a friend tonight (female but not worried about that) more weirded out that he doesn't want to spend his last night here with me..

Maybe he's just not that into me?? I don't want to keep asking him "are we all good" which I have and I know it's frustrating him.. but I can't express how I am feeling as i don't want to smother him... arrrggghhh.... HELP?!!

[mysecretname]

I feel like I have a lot to say but at the same time don't... I guess I will just let myself ramble and hope it comes out somewhat understandable. First off, I think it has to be something pretty big to put a guy off or wanting to receive oral. I don't know any one who doesn't like it really. I know of ones who don't like to give it, but receive seems odd to me. That may take a little more exploring on your part to uncover a deeper issue....

He seems fairly inexperienced. That is a big indicator there. Which that may be the overall underlying issue. There is an undescribable amount of pressure on men to be the kings of the bedroom so to say. He may be shy and not confident in his abilities in that department so he is afraid to do it as often. He may feel like he needs to save up in order to be good enough. I have to admit that even with no past issues of performance problems or abuse by partners in that department, I have performance anxiety sometimes. Especially after a trip or being away for a while. You feel like you won't "last" or be able to please your partner enough to make up for your time apart. Mental blocks and confidence issues can be a major damper on physical performance causing erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation when no physical problems exist at all. If this is the issue it will take time and lots of patience and support on your part to move past this. If you think this is where you want to start I would recommend, putting less of a priority on sex especially when he first gets back from one of these trips. Make sure he knows how much you enjoy the sex together. This can be difficult because you HAVE to be sincere, and you can't be over the top to where you seem like you are faking it... (which some guys can never even notice... I know I didn't). When you are in the act, let him know what you like by not just reacting vocally, but with your body as well. Once he knows he is really pleasing you and without the pressure of having to perform, knowing that you want it right away and are expecting it, he should start to open up more. His confidence will build and he may start initiating sex more often.

About the I love you to I like you... That is a totally different and unrelated topic really... I would for now, say that is simply that he is nervous with saying it face to face versus over the phone. Most men know that once you cross the I love you line in the sand that you don't go back, but if he is used to saying it over the phone, he may just not be ready to say it face to face as much...

The ex-girlfriend, that would need more information, but I would say just work on your relationship, trust and communication with him and see how that goes before worrying about her over much. You don't know (or at least I don't) what their history is, were they friends before they dated, did they have a mutual break up? There is a lot to that kind of relationship. How often does he talk about her and what kind of talk is it?

I know that it only makes sense to you that he would want to spend his last night in town with you... That is natural to feel that way. I have to ask you to look at things from his perspective... How much time has he spent with you this week versus his family and friends? I know that he dedicated a portion of the weekend to you and he spent time earlier in the week with you. I know how this feels from his perspective as I am often away and only get short times at home. There are other people in his life that he has to spend time with as well. If he has spent the majority of the time with you during the week, then take it as a compliment that he is squeezing other people at the end of the week, you were more important to see so you were seen during the week, the weekend and the majority of his time. Try to look at the positive, although I know it is hard.... I hope everything goes well....

[salukigirl]

If he really is that inexperienced then that explains a lot of it. When you are on the phone or texting or whatever...it's a lot easier to say things you wouldn't say to someones face...good or bad. Especially for someone who hasn't experienced a lot of affection.

I'm a pretty good example of this. I always saw my parents fighting and watched them go through a divorce and then my dad cheated on my step-mom and they divorced also. My family has NEVER been affectionate. I just recently (and I'm 23) started being able to say I love you to my own family. I couldn't look a guy in the eye and say I love you until recently either, even if I really did. And even now, my bf and I have been together for almost 2 years and I can't say "I love you" in front of my family to him. And he can't say it in front of his either because he was brought up the same way.

And it's hard for us to understand the pressure that is placed on a guy when it comes to sex. Women, we can do it whether we're into it or not and it's pretty easy to fake it. But a guy....if he is nervous or not into it....it shows.... And all it takes is one mess up for them to drive themselves crazy and beat themselves up over it. If he really does like you as much as he says then he probably just wants to make sure he is everything you expect of him. And even if he is in the mood, just being tired can make it......y'know. Or being distracted. I'm sure after 4 weeks of constant work he needed some time to unwind and compose himself.

About the spending the last night with you, that would upset me too. But maybe he sees you as secure enough that he doesn't have to worry about stuff like that. I can also understand wanting to see his sister and friend for a night.

One thing I want to say is I'm so glad that you're not overreacting and automatically jumping to conclusions. I see that you are not jealous or assuming anything and are pretty confident and sure of yourself. That is really awesome to see and will only make your relationship stronger. If you really need to get it off your chest then just be up front. Tell him exactly what is making you feel the way you are. If he is sincere and wants things to work he should be able to open up a little. If he gets defensive and seems angry about it, then it might be time to re-evaluate things. Good luck!

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by mysecretname

I feel like I have a lot to say but at the same time don't... I guess I will just let myself ramble and hope it comes out somewhat understandable. First off, I think it has to be something pretty big to put a guy off or wanting to receive oral. I don't know any one who doesn't like it really. I know of ones who don't like to give it, but receive seems odd to me. That may take a little more exploring on your part to uncover a deeper issue....

He said it had been 'painful and rough in the past'..... so yes you are right, something I need to explore a little more.

He seems fairly inexperienced. That is a big indicator there. Which that may be the overall underlying issue. There is an undescribable amount of pressure on men to be the kings of the bedroom so to say. He may be shy and not confident in his abilities in that department so he is afraid to do it as often. He may feel like he needs to save up in order to be good enough. I have to admit that even with no past issues of performance problems or abuse by partners in that department, I have performance anxiety sometimes. Especially after a trip or being away for a while. You feel like you won't "last" or be able to please your partner enough to make up for your time apart. Mental blocks and confidence issues can be a major damper on physical performance causing erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation when no physical problems exist at all. If this is the issue it will take time and lots of patience and support on your part to move past this. If you think this is where you want to start I would recommend, putting less of a priority on sex especially when he first gets back from one of these trips. Make sure he knows how much you enjoy the sex together. This can be difficult because you HAVE to be sincere, and you can't be over the top to where you seem like you are faking it... (which some guys can never even notice... I know I didn't). When you are in the act, let him know what you like by not just reacting vocally, but with your body as well. Once he knows he is really pleasing you and without the pressure of having to perform, knowing that you want it right away and are expecting it, he should start to open up more. His confidence will build and he may start initiating sex more often.

I have never orgasmed from just sex.. he knows it and maybe that it added pressure?? I don't expect too... never have and don't think it is going to happen but i still enjoy the act. He wants to bring me to that point - so is that added pressure... possibly.
His last GF (not the one i think he is hung up on) left him for a woman...... that could explain sexual insecurities.

About the I love you to I like you... That is a totally different and unrelated topic really... I would for now, say that is simply that he is nervous with saying it face to face versus over the phone. Most men know that once you cross the I love you line in the sand that you don't go back, but if he is used to saying it over the phone, he may just not be ready to say it face to face as much...

He said it the frist night he was back - in a dark bedroom before sleep. I just feel like I said it and got a slap in the face. BUT my rule (and he knows it) is that you don't say it if you are not feeling it.... so changing the subject after I said it was a way out I guess.

The ex-girlfriend, that would need more information, but I would say just work on your relationship, trust and communication with him and see how that goes before worrying about her over much. You don't know (or at least I don't) what their history is, were they friends before they dated, did they have a mutual break up? There is a lot to that kind of relationship. How often does he talk about her and what kind of talk is it?
It's just general talk... she has anorexia and he worries about her. They chat often I think from comments he makes.

I know that it only makes sense to you that he would want to spend his last night in town with you... That is natural to feel that way. I have to ask you to look at things from his perspective... How much time has he spent with you this week versus his family and friends? I know that he dedicated a portion of the weekend to you and he spent time earlier in the week with you. I know how this feels from his perspective as I am often away and only get short times at home. There are other people in his life that he has to spend time with as well. If he has spent the majority of the time with you during the week, then take it as a compliment that he is squeezing other people at the end of the week, you were more important to see so you were seen during the week, the weekend and the majority of his time. Try to look at the positive, although I know it is hard.... I hope everything goes well....

Everything you write here is rational - I think you are right and I hate to seem 'clingy' but after everything I have been through it has changed my whole perspective and I need re-assurance... and I hate that about me.

He has spent every night with me bar one... During last week I was at work so he got time to himself during the day.... I have taken 4 days off... we spent 3 days away and then today being his last day I wanted to see more of him... He was meant to follow me to the mechanic to get my car serviced... made plans to take is sister to a job interview instead.. so I just let it go. Left here at 8am this morning and now 5 and a half hours later he is at the shops (just rang to tell me he would be around later).

I know that I am not being rational as he has spent the majority of his time with me.... but I feel left out.

Sorry to whine but I really am simply confused and frustrated... more so because I really like him and we get along well.... I just can't get all the negatives out of my head

[mysecretname]

I understand how you feel. Rational and emotional very rarely line up and agree with one another. And to tell you the truth, what you are feeling is totally normal, mental health issues or not, heck I feel them sometimes too. It is important to divert the negative thoughts to good thoughts. I know it is hard to do but it is important or the insecurities and worrying about small details will drive a wedge between you and him. Every time you think of a negative make yourself think of a positive like how much time you spent together, that he spent three whole days away from his family and friends just to be with you and only you... From what I can tell he has spent about 85-90% of his time with you. If he didn't care that much he would have got what he wanted and made an excuse to be with his friends and family instead. From what I can tell he does have some issues from his past with relationships and sexual performance, he isn't confident in himself and his ability, and has scars from relationships that would be hard for any man to get over. I think that if you give him your love and do what you can to build him up, show him that you enjoy his company, companionship, and the sex (this by not only showing him that you like what he does, but very kindly and slyly show him things that you personally may like more or ways to do it better), that he will come out of his shell and start to be more up front and perhaps initiate more. I will tell you this from my experience, it is very important to know that you are pleasing your woman. Although it is hard to accept help or take advice from her in that department, once you see how you are pleasing her and she is enjoying it, it doesn't matter any more, it was more than worth it...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Belle did you beg off meeting his friends? Because that would be a red flag for him. He could (even though it is not intended on your part), be concerned that you want to change him and keep him away from them so he is asserting his friendships.

I have seen this happen before and it all came down to the misunderstanding of their "friends" and not wanting to meet them. One person is tired or anxious but they should make the effort type of situation. Is that possible?

[Belle1979]

I don't think that was is Rhian... He came to pick me up and I was all dressed up (even make up!! so not me LOL) ready to go but he told me that I really looked shattered and that he didn't want me to have to "put on the new people smiling face"...

I seriously think he hasn't had "great sex" - well not what I think of as great sex anyway and that perhaps his ex leaving him for a woman put a bit of a dent in his ego... Plus lower sex drive than me... Seemed that when I hit 30 a button was pushed that makes me 'randy' all of the time

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Thats good. Not that you were trashed but that he understood how trashed you were.

I agree too that when a guy hasn't had a great deal of experience and he is nursing a hurt like being left for another woman, his confidence could be quite shaken.

Once you get into each others body movements and get "in tune" with one another things will change and you will have that sympatico, as you move he moves with you.

You'll work it out sweetheart

[Belle1979]

Have decided that the sex issue is a big deal to me but in weighing up the pros and cons, I like this guy, he's sweet, caring and nice... and I highly doubt he will cheat so I'll hang around and see what happens...

I still think that in 7 days back having a 'nookie' just twice is a little strange. What I think I will do if we are still together next time he gets back is lay off me initating the sex... will just see what happens.

Staying positive is the key. Either he is right for me or not... time will tell. I am just so scared of getting hurt and also of wasting time if it's not right. I want marriage, I want kids and after being in 3 long term relationships (7 years, 2.5 years and 5.5 years) that ended in nothing, I feel that time is slipping away.

Love you all for the responses, means heaps to me to be able to get varied opinions xx

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Have decided that the sex issue is a big deal to me but in weighing up the pros and cons, I like this guy, he's sweet, caring and nice... and I highly doubt he will cheat so I'll hang around and see what happens...

I still think that in 7 days back having a 'nookie' just twice is a little strange. What I think I will do if we are still together next time he gets back is lay off me initating the sex... will just see what happens.

Staying positive is the key. Either he is right for me or not... time will tell. I am just so scared of getting hurt and also of wasting time if it's not right. I want marriage, I want kids and after being in 3 long term relationships (7 years, 2.5 years and 5.5 years) that ended in nothing, I feel that time is slipping away.

Love you all for the responses, means heaps to me to be able to get varied opinions xx

You're very special to all of us Belle, please don't ever forget that.

Rhiannon :hu:

[Belle1979]

Thanks Rhian xxxxxxxx

[mysecretname]

Sex is an issue that can be worked on in the future once you have a good base for the rest of the relationship. Just make sure that once you two have a better "swing" to things that he understands that sex is important to you and hopefully he is willing to work on it. I would just work on building his confidence and and making sure that he knows you enjoy him both in and out of the bedroom....

[Belle1979]

Thanks

I do enjoy him both in and out of the bedroom... 99% of the time he is good fun and makes me smile.

You are correct in needing a good base for the relationship - that is something that I want to have. Common interests aside there needs to be a foundation to build apon... just don't know how to build that tho??

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I did have another thought....that happens sometimes twice a day....gotta get those meds adjusted, I can only cope with one a day....

Maybe he is worried a little that you are base the relationship on sex? In his inner mind I mean.

He is looking for something real, more than physical and because you are in a highly sexed time (you know that time between 30 and 107 or death) he thinks you are looking for someone who is just more focused in the sack?

These may be waaaay off base but are just thoughts that pop in occasionally

[AAAAA]

First of all in my opinion two things that should never be in the same sentence are "sex" and "normal".

I think you have grounds to be... concerned. Have you actually spoken about it? As others have mentioned men do not relish that "talk". I've been married for nearly 25 years and we both avoid the talk. Recently he's been having issues that I am sure are related to his diabetes. He pretends not to notice that something has changed until I bring it up as delicately as I can.

I think a more important conversation would pertain to how it made you feel that he didn't spend his last night in town with you. Or how you felt when he turned you down etc.

[Belle1979]

two thoughts in one day... yep thats a killer

The thought has crossed my mind too Rhiannion... hence me thinking that next time he is back I will not be the one to make the first move (Might have to pinch myself often for this to happen though LOL). I know that guys like to be in control sometimes.. if I give him that power in the bedroom maybe he will open up a little..

I do still find it strange though, though every guys dream was a woman who wanted lots of sex.... and i would have thought that by me wanting him often it would be an ego boost for him.. Well I have 4 weeks to stew about this and everything else haha... Glad you guys are there for me!

[mysecretname]

This is one of those things that the thought process is so different for men and women. It makes total sense that a woman wanting you more would make you feel better, that you are so good she can't get enough... but for some reason, with someone who may not be thinking they are the best or doubting themselves then it is only added pressure. This happened to me with my ex-wife. After my deployment (and even some leading up to it) I didn't have the drive that she did and the more she wanted it the less it made me want it. It took all of the pleasure out of it because I wasn't really in the mood, then me not being in the mood made it not pleasurable for her, so then I just felt worse it was a vicious cycle. From my experience and point of view I would say that you maybe initiate sex about 1 out of 4 or 5 times (I know it doesn't seem like much) and just make sure he knows how much you enjoy it. I am not saying fake it, but help him (very very very! gently) and make sure he knows when he is doing it right. I think that is the best thing you can do... Have you asked him what he does and doesn't like also? That could also help....