fighting a sick addition...dealing with regret

I hope this is the right place for this discussion. Since I am new please forgive me if this is the wrong place.

I have a major addiction problem that I have been trying to kick for the last 18 months with little success. It is so embarrassing that I have not been able to share it with my wife and even my therapist has been unhelpful as he hasn't dealt with anything like it. If you read and only want to heap more shame on me, please don't comment. My shame and regret is bad enough that it has led to a couple of suicide attempts. I don't need any additional guilt added to me.

I have had a fake account on Facebook for almost 2 years. The account is based on pictures of a girl I know who is 22 years old. I am 48 years old. This profile on Facebook has been my main source of entertainment for almost 2 years. In the profile she is a 23 year old lesbian. I have sought out friendships and in a couple of cases, relationships with other lesbians on Facebook for the purpose of friendship, companionship and occasionally for cyber sex. There were 3 girls with whom I had become very close to the point that I lost context of my reality and was literally falling in love with one of them...even though we had obviously never met in person.

I know. Horrible. Disgusting. Perverse...and so much more. I have called myself every sick name in the book.

Two days ago I deleted all of the friends, profile information, pictures and finally deactivated the account. I made up a reason for having to go away and let my friends know I was leaving.

That was finally a step in the right direction. I am glad that I deleted the profile but now I am faced with incredible grief and emotional pain. It is like this profile who was a part of me has died and I am grieving the loss of the friendships...and the loss of a major part of who I had become. I am also struggling with real regret over the pain that I most likely have caused the girls who had become friends. As it is, I left them without telling them the truth about me and for those who were very close to me they will have enough loss to process without having to deal with the truth that a person they trusted with deep personal secrets isn't even a real person.

If you are still reading and not so disgusted with me, can you offer any insight on how I can process this and regain a normal grip on my life? I have lost touch with reality and am hurting and desperate to get my own real life back.

It took courage to delete the identity, by doing so I think you are on the path you need to be on.
Have you considered changing counsellors?

kdd

Please this harshness with which you treat yourself is only harming you. I doubt anyone here could or would judge you. You have had your conscience activate and now it is overwhelming you, have true faith that this is in no way as sick as you feel. In truth you may have this 22 year old woman of Lesbos within you, a part of you that needed expression

I am in agreeance with sweet Belle that you should be seeking out someone to speak with who understands in a broader sense what you are going through, and that too you could have a total identification with this girl whose life you think you created.

For many years Rhiannon had different personalities whom she was well aware of but thought they were simple moods that she fell into. It was not until Rhiannon came here to pc that she realised what she was dealing with was something much more complex than just moods, that she was dealing with alternative personalities who are quite quite different to her core/host personality and who now have expression of their own to a degree

Start by forgiving yourself if even only a little so that you can then start to look at this in a way that helps you to explore it more and understand it more. Surely there are more feelings to go through but you are afraid of the judgement of self and others

Hopefully if we can prove to you that there is no judgement here, you will be able to actually look at yourself with open eyes without self loathing and work through your problems from an uncomplicated starting point

Take care and be less harsh with yourself. You came to a point where you felt something was wrong and you stopped it, that is admirable and supportable

Morgana

Hugs to you, I feel your pain and wish I had words of wisdom but all I can offer is love...

I had never considered an alternative personality...probably because my ignorance of the subject matter led me to believe you had to physically act out that other personality. Is it possible to have a completely different personality that is only in your mind and not part of your physical appearance or behavior?

I have been afraid to ask my therapist about this. I have an appointment with him and Monday and have been praying for strength to tell him what I have been struggling with. He is good for me whenever I open up and tell him something that I struggle with. But he never pushes me to open up and as a result I have been letting my insurance just pay for chats with someone who understands what I go through even if I don't tell him everything.

I guess it is time to open up and tell the whole story.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and wisdom.

Kevin

The first thing you need to realize is that an addiction, no matter how sick or perverse it may seem, is still an addiction. It can't be helped. This addiction that you seem to have had is no worse than some of the other ones I have seen people discuss. In fact, it's not nearly as bad as some. I'm not sure what caused it but it is something that can't be helped. Due to the fact that we all have different minds and different things happen in our life, any of us can develop an addiction to something that you've never even heard of, but just know there are others with the same problem. I am sure there are others with this problem too.

The good thing about this is you know what you did was wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it, we all do things we regret we all make mistakes. Something in your conscience made you trigger in your mind that what you were doing was wrong and now you've taken the first, and the BIGGEST step to overcoming it. You deleted it. That was very good, you should pat yourself on the back for that. Your next step would be to find others who have the same problems. Your therapist is a good start, but he/she may not have never heard of this type of problem, and if not ask for advice on how to find people that do, or experts on the matter. I'm sure you can find someone, and if you could find a group with at least similar problems that would be great. Like someone else said above, no one will judge you on here. We aren't like that, and trust me I have made mistakes that are worse than that so I would never judge you on your mistakes. Take care friend, and good luck to everything. I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is really needed right now.

I also applaud you. As some of the others said, We all have something.
Have something were not happy with about ourselves or ashamed, embarrassed of -
BUT 2 years AND LOOK - You did it!
You deserve to treat yourself. Do something nice for yourself.
You are obviously seeing that you things have been bothering you, but you see it now and have taken a major step
Congratulations

Kevin

There is one within Rhiannon whom we try our hardest to keep within, Megan is one of great anger and mean spirit if she finds outward expression she will hurt as deliberately as you would choose and reach for food. She does not need physical expression other than to get out and vent her considerable spleen at others, that could be at someone here or at someone over this machine

I care for Megan because she does carry all assault anger and pain that has ever been directed at Rhiannon and there has been much of it over her lifetime, Megan is a true sneak she sleeps within now, but when awake she treats us like a game to be played

But she needed expression, just as you have given expression to the feminine within you. When you thought you were creating this person you were in fact giving physical expression to her, in a safe controlled way. Tell me truthfully when you were she yet holding the secret of your core personality you became she and thought as she does, wrote as she does, because each time you step into her life you ARE her, an I wrong?

But your expression has been safe and comfortable for you, that is why you are grieving. It is not as if you were trying to draw in teen or younger females with mal intent, this was never your aim so there is no shame there

Please speak with the man you trust and tell him of this, it is something that you may find is much less traumatic for you than simply being a pretender. You did not try to draw anything from anyone so it is something which must be investigated and dealt with for your own sake. There is no shame in having alter expression.

I Morgana for instance am considered the strongest, I am a protector of and for Rhiannon, there are others and we each take on tasks that are not able to be taken on by Rhiannon. Your female expression took on part of you that you could not express to your wife or others in your physical life so you expressed it elsewhere. But I should say no more, you should investigate this and see if it is that expression, and only the one with whom you are having your discussions on a professional level can help you to find out for certain

I truly wish you support and friendship, these are the things you need as you take apart who you are and put yourself back together

Morgana

I agree with Belle that deleting the fake account needed a lot of courage and strength, but I have nothing to add to Rhiannonsmoon and Emotionally Dead's wise words. I just hope that you will find a solution and get over it soon.

Imo I think we all at some point want to be someone else,people act and play roles, that is natural. Also the guilt and remorse you feel is the same, natural. And actually very healthy. This shows you are a caring person. You also realized that continuing to lie to these people would probably hurt them more in the long run and ended the charade so that shows quite a bit. It will take time to work through the stages of grief over the loss of your friends and a whole part of your life(covert or not still was a amjor portion). Take this time to feel what you are feeling and let it out and when you have worked through it you will move on. As for all your friends with anything else they have to deal with their own emotions we can't do it for them. We can be empathetic and want to take away pain as much as we can but they have to go work through it. They will be fine too. Good luck to you

You have made great progress in deleting those accounts. The fact that you never really met those people in real life is something to say for you. You really don't want to do these things, it just makes you feel good to pretend. Not acting upon them is good. Now, for the kicker. You have a fettish and use this for fulfilling your fantasies. (that was a lot of f words). Anyway, don't get too down on yourself for having fantasies. I have fantasized about being a child with a much older male. I guess it makes me less accountable since I am pretending to be an innocent child. I am not sure, but I am never going to act on that fantasy in any way, which is what you did. Just talking to people on here and your therapist (get a new one) is a great way to handle this. I hope this has helped in some way. You are not a monster.

Morgana,
You are so right. When I was her, Kat...I WAS her. My mind though in ways completely foreign to my normal self. It was as though a different person was within me and manifesting itself in Facebook. Kat had (has) a complete life...life history...education...relationship history...family...friends...hobbies ...fears...loves...

It was no effort to create all of this because as I wrote it was just as if I were accessing real memories. I could visualize the places, experience the sounds and smells, remember conversations with people that I, Kevin, have never met.

I know Kat has gone into hiding now...but for how long? She was gone for 3 months a year ago after I went into the hospital and then she came back even stronger than before.

This is really scary to me.

Kevin

Dearest Kevin

I understand every word you write, you see this woman who takes a holyday away every now and again is real and everything you have written IS her life not yours; remembering conversations and places of her life and allowing her this expression caused you to accept part of yourself that most people would just outwardly deny whilst inwardly engaging in dialogue with, and most of that dialogue would be an earnest discussion regarding her desire to be expressed

She would retreat at times of need and would hide herself to ensure that you were safe knowing that her expression was conditional upon your safety and anonymity because your otherwise ordered existence needed to be protected. Our alternate personalities will protect us as long as they are not the damaged one, but not all people have a damaged one which is a good thing I have learned as it leads us to know that Megan can be healed and become a friend to us instead of our enemy

I only tell you this so that you might understand the different aspects of Rhiannons life and expressions though I do not believe that Rhiannon understands any of this herself yet, I seem to but I never claim to be sure of it just in perhaps it changes

The most important thing is that you do not hate yourself in any way because that is how Megan was born through self loathing and from the poor treatment of others, her screaming because she felt no one heard or listened, it is like how an acorn grows to a twisted stunted tree that has been poisoned, so please no self hatred

There is a book someone sent to me that I most recently picked up but have not yet read Myra Breckenridge, they say it expresses what is within most people but what society represses and though it is a comedic satire is relevant to people with more than one personality. Something makes me keep putting the book down though the Goddess knows I spend enough time awake and have a mount of time to read

Please use self care and as you search yourself and Kat (a favorite name of mine), just be as open and accepting as you would be to a best friend who shows no judgement of you, this much is the least you deserve

Morgana

So...any advice on what to do now?

My therapist has been great for me over the past few years but today when I spoke to him and asked him about DID he had nothing to say. He knows virtually nothing about it and said none of his patients have ever dealt with it. Great. I spill my guts to a therapist for years and when I am in crisis over a potentially new problem he has nothing to say. Well, time to shop for a new therapist. Praying the job hunting works out so I can get out of this godforsaken city and find a new therapist.

Wow, I had never even thought of DID as a possibility. That could definitely be the root of the problem, although it seems to be in the beginning stages if that is the case. The first thing you need to do is read up on it. Have you looked at all of the DID threads here and information here? Also if you look it up on other sites, or even try to find books on it, it would all be a great way to gain research as you progress with this.

A new therapist is definitely needed, and although you don't have to necessarily get rid of this one, you must find someone who knows the field of DID real well. Someone who HAS had DID patients, or even an expert if at all possible. Don't be discouraged, you have done a lot of good the last week. You have realized the problem, you nipped it in the bud for now, and you are now searching for a way to get to the root and get help. Telling your therapist was another great step, and you are definitely headed in the right direction. So don't be discouraged about your therapist, just keep putting your feet forward and moving on with this. I'll continue to keep up with this thread and watch your progress. Good luck, and I hope we can all help you through this as well.

Thanks E-D
I have learned more in the past few days than I think my therapist has ever learned about the subject! The one thing I did learn is that DID can be triggered by a traumatic event and Kat first appeared about 3-4 days after a very traumatic experience I had in January 2009. It was really frightening to think that event could have triggered this new personality in me. I am afraid to even mention it to my wife.

Here's to finding a new talk doc.

That's great that you've learned so much! Keep it up. As for telling your wife, I think right now it's best not to mention it. I could be wrong, but I feel like YOU need to be more in tune to what is going on with you before she knows anything about it. I know communication and all of that is a good thing to have in a marriage, so some people would disagree with me, but I think that it's best to wait and find out more before pursuing telling her about it. The time will come.

I agree that communication is crucial in a marriage and we talk about a lot of things. She is struggling to understand my BP and now I am struggling with what could be DID and that may be too much for her. Especially since I can't even take her to meet my therapist for his advice.

I hate keeping her in the dark...but I am still in the dark myself...or at least a very dimly lit room.

Kevin

Dear one do not place yourself in vapours. I did not bring this possibility to you to cause you pain or problem, but to offer a possible explanation to your situation

I saw that this place has people you may discourse with who may be able to offer you help or support. But please calm and peace are important

Morgana

we al have our different faces we show to the world - they say we are 3 people

who we think we are
who others see us as
and who we really are

so maybe in a way we are all DID

creating other lives and living the fantasy is avoidance - somthing is lacking or scaring us so we run away to other lives ....

this can be the same wiht DID (jmo) another personality takes over when someone leaves because it has become too much for them

i dont really know where im going wiht this ....

i just hope it works out for you and know how hard it would have been to shut down that facebook account - wel done you

Thanks Phoenix
It was hard but I know it was right to put that personality in a box and on the shelf...even if I didn't consider it another personality.

I am not convinced I have DID and what you says about running away from my own present reality is more likely the truth.

Thanks again

Murphy....took courage to come out and talk about it.