Ending a long relationship and now in a panic

A few of you may have heard about this in chat yesterday. I woke up this morning and I'm in a panic. I agreed with myself to end the 5 year relationship that I'm in today. I'm terrified, so terrified. Also, it was clear that I wanted to do this last night, but now I'm so confused about it.

Please allow me to give you some background. The first two years of our relationship were excellent. Then she had a psychotic break and was hospitalized for a week. She was diagnosed with a severe form of bipolar disorder and there was a clear change in our relationship thereafter. I took on more of a caretaking role for the next year. I wanted to end it, but I allowed myself to get pressured into getting engaged. Before the wedding and through the pressure of some loved ones whom I conveyed these feelings, I broke it off. This was about a year and a half ago. I'm not sure if I can say this on here, but she proceeded to make an attempt. It devistated me. Her parents refused to take her to the hospital cause they didn't believe the attempt was real so I did. We were living together at the time. I couldn't handle it and became depressed myself. I felt like I was abandoning a child who needed me... and I was walking away. I ended up checking myself into the hospital for a couple days, mostly to escape everything. During that time my parents moved my stuff out of our shared apartment without my permission. I was 27 at the time!

Well, anyway, a few months past and she continued to call me constantly. She started to again threaten future attempts and finally I agreed to meet her. It's rather stupid, but here I am a year later and she's talking marriage again. I'm an idiot and a bad person. I feel terrible, but I don't think I want to be with her anymore. She's needy and I think I want to get out of this again. Almost none of my friends know we are dating, nor does my family. It's quite a mess. I'm terrified that she will attempt after I break it off... I'm sooo scared and alone. She will never leave me alone.

I'm not sure why I'm posting.. I already know what to do if not the exact details. But, I'm so lonely right now.

welcome to PC lifelost!

this sounds like a REALLY tough spot to be in. to care for someone, but to know it's to the point that you need to care for yourself. that's hard under the best circumstances. under these circumstances, it's extremely hard.

i don't have much advice for you. i'm sorry this is happening. i hope it can get to the point where you can trust someone to care for her and be ok with caring for yourself. somehow, you'll have to make that ok within yourself to move on.

be safe. i wish you the best.

kd

Thanks Kimmy.. I think I'm just scared. Do you have any advice on a way to tell her that might be easier and safer for her?

I'm thinking of driving there, sitting with her, and then telling her how I cannot be the guy in the pictures anymore no matter how hard I try. (She recently got pictures of us from years ago when we were happy.) I'm also going to give her a couple crisis hotline numbers in case she gets out of control. If it is bad enough I might call one and see if they will call her. If she threatens an attempt, I think I'll call 911... Problem is, I had to call 911 for her a long time ago and then her family called me at work and yelled at me. Small price I guess....

(((((((((((((Lifelost)))))))))))) I have a bipolar son who often manipulates the same way to get what he wants. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can understand your need for escape. If my son wasn't my son, and actually even though he is, I feel the same need. And I feel evil for even thinking it at times, let alone say it out loud.

One thing I want to say to you. She makes her own decisions. You breaking up with her may affect her, but she is the only one who can decide what she does about it. You are not to blame.

Part of me wants to say, no, don't do it in person, because I know what the visit will entail and I don't want that for you. But I understand, being that you have been together a few years, the need you might feel to make it face to face.

If there is a friend of hers that you know might be willing to talk to her afterward, that might be a good option. If I were there, I'd happily do it. I know it's a tough tough situation to be in.

Please take care of you during this time. Manipulations suck, especially when you care so deeply about someone.

If you do break it off, be strong, don't be pulled back in.

I wish you the best. I hope I didn't offend you by what I've said. I just know, dealing with my son, some feelings that may exist in a relationshop with someone struggling in that way.

Take care of you, be safe.

Thanks, wanttoheal. Your post made me feel better about it. Believe me, I don't want to do this in person, but I feel it will make it easier for her. Also, I'm going to give her money for the next 3 months (as I've been doing for the last 3 years) until she can get a job. So, hopefully she won't have to worry about money on top of everything else. Concerning a friend/family... She doesn't have any friends and her family hates me (nor do I have their numbers).. Not sure who to tell to watch out for her...

I understand Lifelost. It's hard when they are dependent on you. I wish I had more and better advise to give you. I wish you well.

Please keep us posted. I care.

Dear Life,
If you really don't want to tell her in person, then just don't do it that way. I'm reacting to this from personal experience. I was involved with a much younger man, with many mental and addiction problems. In addition to stalking me when I ended it, he used the manipulation of two attempted suicides. I felt "responsible" too. And I also was his only means of financial support at the time.
I know you don't want her to harm herself, but as another said here, SHE is responsible for her own actions. I'm also worried about YOUR safety. Be cautious.
Seeker

Thank you seeker and wanttoheal... It's 10:22 right now where I am. We were supposed to look at rings today at noon (something she organized). I'm shaking and crying right now. I still think I do need to do this in person. I think it will make things easier for her. I ... I do think I need to tell a family member or something, but I'm not sure how to get the numbers without talking to her. Maybe it's unnecessary beyond giving her the crisis numbers..

I'm soo scared!! I'm not very religious but I find myself bringing up old Catholic prayers, saying Hail Marry over and over again. I think this is going to end badly and it's going to haunt me forever.

Okay, I see your predicament....supposed to go look at engagement rings today! Instead you are planning a face-to-face to end it. Very hard. It's perhaps a cowardly suggestion, but maybe consider calling her and stating you are not up to it and want to give it more thought, this whole matter of engagement and marriage, thus, paving the way gradually for the disolving the relationship. I can see how shifting from picking out rings to breaking up in one day could trigger some drastic behavior on her part. However you choose to do this, she will probably act out, but for today, maybe just time away from her stating you are having to think and not feeling well (which you truly are!)
Seeker

(((((((((((((((((((Lifelost)))))))))))))) I so understand your feelings. It's a terrible place to be in. Whatever the outcome though, you can't live like this day in and day out. I do, I have to being it is my son, but it's killing me slowly. I wish so much more for you. Please take care of self and do what you need to do. There is no judgment here. I wish you much peace and will be praying for you.

*hugs* even though you're ending the relationship, it's still going to be hard and painful. I've been through that myself. Also, I've been the girl that drove a boyfriend away, he will have dumped me exactly a month ago this week. Honestly, I thought I'd never be able to go on with out him because he was my support system. But, I realize that he did me a favor.

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{{{{{{{{{{Life}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know if its 'past time yet'...but wanted you to know I've been thinking about you today, hoping everything goes well. I'm available to talk when you need to.

Keep us informed on how things go, k?
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Wanting to make it easier for her if you think about it is more for your sake than hers. If she goes through it easier would you not be more content? There is no way around hurt of ending a relationship on either side of it.

I really feel for you on this one. I know exactly what emotion is going through you and how it's affecting your every waking moment. There has to be a point where you decide how much turbulance you are willing to accept. When it starts affecting your health you are going to have to make some tough decisions. Remember, we all have choices in life and we are all responsible for the choices we make. Wether we are cabable or not is best left for the P's. These are the professionals and that's what they do, help us make these choices with clarity.
Hang in there and know that you're not alone.

Jp