My husband cheated....will it ever be the same agian?? :(

I am 25 and my husband is 23. We have only been married for 2 years and we were "the perfect couple". Everyone wanted what we had.

In October my husband "accedently" cheated on me with a woman that he works with. Of course he did not come out and tell me this. I found out from the husband of the other woman in a FaceBook message. At first he denied it and said it was just someone messing with me even after I found a few text messages on his phone saying "we got caught at work". He denied it for about 2 weeks and said that if I didnt trust him then we shouldnt be together. I was almost convinced that I was the crazy one and that he was really telling the truth. I was going crazy not knowing the REAL truth and had a felling that he was lying, so I asked the other woman.

I sent her a message using FaceBook and a fake name and I finally found out the truth. This was like a slap in the face...my world fell apart and everything that I thought was pure and true was a lie. Of course she told my husband that I knew and he freaked out. He said it would have been easier if I didnt know (HA). I wasnt even that mad when I found out, I didnt want to leave or anything. I just wanted him to know that I knew. Then after he explained what happened....my heart crumbled into a million little pieces that havent found their way back yet.

He told me that the woman works in the office and he talks to her once and a while and has seen her when he goes to the office. He said that she was flirting with him and that she started it. He said that he was in the copy room and she came in and just started kissing his neck and taking his paints off. He said that they started to have sex, but he couldnt do it and felt bad so he stopped and they left the room. They talked about how they couldnt let anyone find out.

And what makes me really mad, is that he still has to talk to her because they work together. I see calls from her on his phone and it makes me want to puke. I have so much hate for this woman....I have never felt this way in my life and I dont like it.

He told me that it was a mistake and he regreted it and that it would never happen again.

I am so full of rage and hate now that small things make me mad or very deppressed. My emotions are not right. I try to be the perfect wife, but now sometimes I get so mad at him for something stupid. Its like I dont care if I make him feel bad or hurt his feelings anymore. Im living in fear that something else bad is going to happen.

I dont know how to trust him now. We agreed that we could work through it and it will just "make us stronger", but I dont know if it will be the same or if I can love him like I used to. I want us to work, but I dont know how to forgive him and stop thinking about that day. I wish I had a memory erasor.

Has anyone ever forgave their husband/wife for cheating and it actually worked???? CAN I STILL LOVE HIM?

I have been there.

My husband had an affair in 08. We are still together. We had a rather different situation, but no matter what the circumstances, betrayal still feels like betrayal. It just HURTS.

Yes, you can recover from it. No, it will never be the 'same'. But, let me ask you, do you really want it to be the SAME? Probably not. This did not happen on 'accident'. It takes two to cheat. It's easy from how you've related what he said to you to see that there are still many lies and things that he does not wish to fess up and own. Until he does that, things will just hurt. All the time.

Generally, my advice (having been through it all... twice) is that since you have not been married long, and do not have children - you should leave. At the very least, separate for a while and give yourself time and space to reevaluate your relationship. It will not be easy, I know. But it is nearly impossible to really and truly evaluate things when you are under the same roof.

Also, he needs to get a new job. If he is unwilling to find some way to end his contact with her, than his marriage is obviously not where his priority is. When he gets his head out of his ***, he will show remorse and will be willing to do ANYTHING to save your marriage.

If he can start finding a way to end contact with the other woman and you can get some space to think things through clearly, then you will be starting off on the right foot.

Counseling is recommended by everyone who has been in your situation - couples and individual (esp for you).

There is an excellent support site: http://survivinginfidelity.com that you can both go to to get support and advice. There are people there who come from all walks of life, all circumstances, and all ages, who have one thing in common. It helped me tremendously during the first few months after my husband's affair.

I wish you the best. And don't be afraid of letting go and moving on. Yes, it will hurt and be very hard, but it may be what is best. I often wish I could have, but we had just had our 5th child and had been married for nearly 9yrs and, financially, it would have been nearly impossible. Plus, with kids, we'd have had to stay in contact indefinitely.

I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. This cloud may have a silver lining; both of you may take this experience and learn better communication skills and a healthier relationship may develop.

It bothers me that he didn’t come clean, and that when you found out on your own what happened he’s placing a lot of blame on the woman (in my opinion). We all must take responsibility for our own actions. It doesn’t sound like he is doing that, until he does trust can never grow again. Good luck to you both.

Hello dez sarg,

There is no way on Goddesses green earth that this will make you stronger, that is a BS line from usually the one who cheated.

And don't hate her! I don't believe for a second that "She started it" that is like a schoolyard argument adults don't speak that way, children who have been caught out do. Your anger should be aimed squarely at your husband.

I lived in a cheating marriage for a lot of years, and believe me it doesn't do you any good when you finally do decide to leave. I should have left before we had children, but I didn't. Huge mistake that was, love the kids but life would have been ideal if I had left at 21 with no kids. Please don't make the mistake so many of us have made and regretted later. Counselling by all means, but if it doesn't help, just get out of there and heal, then find a nice man, one who will appreciate you not laugh at you behind your back while he is cheating with someone else. He outright lied to you for what? Over 2 WEEKS? Flatly denying his infidelity and lying not to save you, but to save himself. He is not just a cheater he is a liar too and I would NEVER want to be married to someone like that. How do you expect to ever again feel comfy about him going to work? And misdirecting your anger towards her when it should be at him is transference. You put up with this once and it will happen again.

I thin Rihannonsmoon's comment is a little harsh. Everyone's situation is different. Becoming stronger from it is not total BS. One instance of cheating does not make you a cheater. It makes you human. Everyone makes mistakes.

Do you believe him that he stopped and couldn't do it? If so, then it does show some kind of remorse. And I have known several people who have cheated once, realized how terrible it was and, in most cases, made them realize how good they had it with their current partner. It made them appreciate their partner more. In those instances, it really is better to not tell your partner about your infidelity. And if that was the case with your husband, I can understand him hiding it from you. Because if he comes running to you about a mistake that really made him realize how much he loves you, why would he want to put that guilt on you? Does that make sense?

In addition to invisigirl's page I think this is a good article http://hubpages.com/hub/Surviving-In...age-Counseling

How much trust did you have before this happened? I know you'll probably say complete trust because you are married but what was the REAL state of your trust? My bf is the first guy I have ever dated where I can say 100% that he will never cheat on me. Some people might call that naive but it's true. We trust each other completely. He knows I would never cheat on him and vise versa. And both of us have been cheated on before!

You know in your gut what this situation means to you. If your first thought was not to leave him and you knew that he was lying....doesn't that mean that you KNOW him? If you did just believe him and THEN found out....that would scare me. Because that means, not only did he lie....but he was good at it. If he left little signs about this incident then it's possible he wanted you to find out. Whether that's conscious or subconscious I don't know. But if that's the case then that shows a feeling of guilt too. If he was doing this as a cheater that didn't care how it effected you, then he could have very easily deleted the messages. He probably would have been smart enough not to text it to not have any evidence.

If he knew or thought this would happen...he probably would have never mentioned her at all. The fact that he talks about her and their encounters (other than cheating) shows that he is not trying to have an affair with her because, if he had any thoughts like that, you would have never heard of this girl.

People have moments of weakness. And his actions from now on show how he feels about it. Has he asked about counseling? Has he been sensitive to your mood swings? Has he talked to you about him losing your trust? You know, in your heart, whether he is serious about working this out. And if you DON'T know....then maybe that is a sign of something more serious in your marriage.

Okay my two cents.

Trust is given not earnt. If you give your trust willingly to him again it has to be your decision. Nothing he can say will earn your trust back (in my opinion)...

My ex (yes EX) cheated on me, he told me I was irrational and imagining things when I confronted him - thus causing me to doubt my own intution and mind. I thought I was going crazy. Then after I had proof he 'fessed up. This was a guy who I felt safe with, who I never expected to cheat, who was my world at the time. We had been together for almost 6 years. The woman (girl??) in question was the receptionist at his work, he had spoken of her often and I never gave it another thought.
I hope that you can get through this in the way that will make you happy in yourself. Hugs to you xxx

i am going to speak from a child's perspective (by "child" i mean - being only 20 and growing up with fighting/cheating parents but also coming out of a very bad relationship.)

first off, growing up with parents who fought CONSTANTLY was a nightmare. i was always in the middle of everything, blamed myself, felt guilty, witnessed and heard horrible things. i do not have a clear vision of what love is. i feel as though my parents should be divorced but aren't "for the kids." if you do not have children, i definitely suggest you taking time apart and figuring it out. it is so, so hard on children when their parents are leaving, cheating, fighting, screaming and not trusting each other. my parents talk to me about their marital issues, talk to me about each other, make fun of each other to me - figure this out while you don't have kids. you are very, very young and if this situation may affect the rest of your marriage/life - throwing kids into the mix will only make it harder. i understand parents have it hard too, but i don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for the kids.

- i have witnessed both of my parents cheating on one another. i hear about it, i know about it, i have read it. its terrible. i am finally in college now - away from home, but my younger brother is still home. he is my best friend and i hate that he has to deal with this alone. my dad is always traveling for work (but also doing who knows what), my mom is sketchy and has her own mental issues - basically, its a messed up deal so fix it while you can.

secondly - i am young but i just came out of my first relationship. if you bring kids into it, raise them in an unhappy household and expose them to that behavior, it can really mess them up. i don't trust people, i can fight about little things, i am jealous and was constantly worried about what my partner is doing. i became codependent, i did everything for my partner because i wanted to avoid fights so i was emotionally/mentally/verbally abused, taken advantage of, cheated on and completely screwed over. i cannot tell you whether or not to leave him. no one in this room can. people say once a cheater, always a cheater. i don't believe that. i believe in learning from mistakes. i don't think its right to keep secrets. i DO think you should walk away for a little bit and take some time. set your boundaries and set your rules. if you don't want him talking to her SAY it. let him know you won't deal with that or accept cheating to be okay. let him know what he's missing. show him that he can't mess up and be forgiven that easily. when you walk away, he will have two choices - prove that he loves/cares and wants to be with you or he will prove that his heart is in another place by his actions. if you walk around not trusting him all day, everyday, it makes for a miserable life. say what you want and outline a list of things that will make YOU feel more comfortable and at ease in your head. if you don't settle this issue with yourself - you'll constantly fight with him, mistrust him, call him out, snoop and eventually you will have lost control. take time to figure it all out and make sense of it YOURSELF and then fix your relationship. you are most important.

sending good thoughts your way. stay strong and know that it does get better.

in my experience i have found that after being cheated on i can never feel right with the person ever again. i can still love him but i can not forgive or forget and it caused me to put up walls to keep him away from my heart. i have been in this relationship 6+ years and it has been four years since i found out. i didnt leave. but i can tell you that i wish i had. it has been nearly impossible to trust him. now i have so much resentment towards him bc it has bothered me everyday for so long now. once that trust is broken it can not be 100% ever again.

I think the concern I would have is that he lied and made you question yourself.

Our emotions serve a purpose - usually when we are so overwhelmed (as you are) and feel so much pain, anger, sadness and hurt - its a good sign that something is very wrong and that we need to protect ourselves.

He sounds abusive to me. Especially because he made you doubt yourself and all along he is still talking to her. What about your feelings....

He has to accept he has made a huge mistake and all your feelings, he has to re- earn your trust and explore with you why he cheated on the first place and then see if you can work through this together.

Do you want to forgive him? can you forgive him? is the future going to be different?

If I may comment about this:
This is a classic reaction when abuse occures.

Just remember that your feelings ARE RIGHT! And that you do not need to try hard.

Maybe be useful to speak to a counsellor about this?

I am sending you warm hugs. Remember you have done nothing to deserve this and its not your fault x

If your husband doesn't want this woman to call his cell phone, he can tell her not to or block her. It raises an alarm to me that he permits her to send him personal calls. That doesn't sound to me like a man who cheated with this woman, wished he hadn't, and wants to work on making the marriage stronger. I think it is reasonable for you to ask him to break off his personal relationship with this woman, and confine their interactions to professional ones at the office. There are always going to be people out there who tempt our spouses, whether intentionally or just by being friendly, looking attractive, etc. You are very mad at this woman but your husband was the one who cheated. It is his responsibility, not this woman's, to be faithful to his wife.

I urge you not to be passive about "working through" this. Your marriage will not be stronger unless you and your husband do actually work through it. If neither of you talk about it or express your feelings about it, and don't actively take steps to rebuild trust, then that is not working on it. It is just letting sleeping dogs lie, and they may come back to bite you. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor together for help on working through this? The counselor could help keep you on track and make sure you deal with this issue.

I don't know if you and your husband have considered having children before, but if you have, I strongly urge you not to have children until you have worked through this. If you are unable to work through this with him, even with a counselor, then divorce may be a good choice. It is much easier to get a divorce when there are no children, when you are young and don't have a lot of assets to divide, and when the marriage has been short. So deal with this now, or if you decide you don't want to deal with it, then leave. But don't not deal with it and stay. That road leads to disaster. Good luck.

I've never been at your situation....and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through....
However, I know that this kinda behavior is not permitted at work place at all....and you as his wife have all the rights to tell his boss even!!!!
Just from your post....you blamed yourself a lot....why? you have done nothing wrong....you have to be very proud of yourself and have your head up on the sky....He's the one who has to be embarrassed and ashamed of what he did....and about that woman....how pathetic she is to go after somebody's else husband....I feel sorry for her....
Take it easy and ask your husband to find another job is he can....

Lets see your options.

you will be alive
You will be happy and sad from time to time ( as life shows )
You will be with your present husband OR some guy

Now wats the gurantee that the other guy will not cheat in next 2 year ???

So why not to repair this relation ???
Repair will involve less time

Ask him if he wants to keep this relation healthy there are some terms that you want him to follow
For e.g :- I will access your ID and all communication devices etc etc. . .

I hope you understand my way. . .

I normally do not comment on other's responses to threads but - I have to point that Monkey's way may cause you further harm. Control and action from fear and belief that things cannot be better for you are not healthy. And repair in some situations may never happen and /or can involve a lot of hurt and a lot of time. Not all guys cheat and you deserve the best. I am not saying leave him. I m just saying that this line of thinking /acting may lead you via a hurtful path. In the end of the day - you must do what is right for you dear one.

My opinion based on personal experience....
I will keep this short.

Once a person cheats and lies about it he will not change his behavior. He has no reason to. You will stay despite his despicable actions. It is a deal breaker. Now you can, of course, stay in the relationship based on dishonesty and broken promises(wedding vows) or you can leave. I am not saying leaving is easy but a broken vow is simply that. As I said before, this is something I tell you from experience.

You deserve better. There are honest and faithful men. To stay with someone with no integrity will keep you from finding the partner meant to share your life with.

Peace.

My husband did the same 7 years ago. He gave up drinking alchohol and started an affair with a friend of mine two months later. I smelt perfume on his jersey and he said that I was being ridiculous. Two months down the line I caught him on the phone to her and a text message. I was devastated. Of course I was more than willing to just project all my blame and resentment towards hear and more than willing to listen to his feebles excuses that she came onto him. We went to couples counselling for a year and he showed remorse and a willingness to make our relationship work. 7 years down the line I caught him having sex with my cousin's daughter in our home. Double devastation. I was very fond of the girl and we were very close. I do not know what to think anymore. The only good thing to come out of all of this is that it has got my husband into rehab. (for his alcoholism). He has unleashed all sorts of ghastly confessions to me while in rehab and admits that he just wanted to hurt and destroy me. He is in his third month there and now the counsellor thinks that he is Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic. Will be seeing a phsychiatrist soon. I have PTSD from the trauma of his behaviour. The future does not look good and I am searching for hope and the silver lining. Good luck and know that only time heals the wounds as the memory fades and you eventually begin to trust again...I sincerely hope that your husband does not have all the problems that mine has and can be genuinely remorseful and learn from his mistakes. Take care.

I have not posted on here for a while but i would like to give you a mans perspective on things, i originally came on here some months ago after i had a similar fumble while out of it on Drink and drugs on a friends stag party, i have been with my now wife for over 13yrs, i love her more than life itself and always will, my story begins 16 mnths ago when my mistake happened while in another country i stupidly had a fumble in my hotel room with a complete stranger, i can barely remember what happened and this was scary enough but that was only the start, i put myself through hell in the months that followed, the guilt was unreal, i was on here posting at the time, looking for help, searching for answers, i got some great help and advise from some wonderful people on here but that stupid act was taking over my life, i also got some counselling. i thought about it every second of every day, at the time myself and my partner were planning our wedding and i simply couldnt go through with entering into marriage without her knowing the complete and utter truth about what i had done.

So there we are 12 weeks before the biggest day in both our lives and i tell her everything (without a doubt the single hardest thing i have ever done) although the guilt was horrific this was not the main driving force for telling her, yes i could have handled it in time, i would have been miserable but i would be far more miserable without her, i knew in my heart that i couldnt stand there and make my vows knowing what i had done (there was absolutely no way 100% she would have found out about what i had done), everyone i had mentioned it too had advised me not to tell her anything but i knew deep down that my marriage would be flawed from the start if i hadnt told her everything. I was completely open with her, was always there to answer questions, slept in the spare room, stayed away when she wanted me away, i let her read every conversation i had had, all my counselling notes (almost to show her i had suffered and how remorseful i am) etc etc, i did feel a little better for a while but the guilt was and still is there, i felt guilty for hurting her, my soulmate, my life, for damaging what was on the surface a perfect relationship, childhood sweethearts about to have a fairytell wedding.

In my head the wedding was already cancelled so i was amazed when 4 weeks later after another lengthy discussion my then fiancee decided that she did love me enough to forgive and would be able in time to trust me again and wanted to go ahead with the wedding, i felt like the luckiest man alive, i loved her more in those times than i ever had, (my now wife is no lapdog, she is very independent, is the chief earner and is highly intelligent.) so we went ahead had a great few months finalising our plans and had the wedding we had both dreamed of,

So we are now 4 happy months on from the wedding and everything seems fine but i dont, i still feel terrible for what i did, am having problems looking forward, feel guilt alot and almost feel i dont deserve the happiness anymore, we have not spoken much recently about what happened and my wife seems alot better with the situation than i do, i know she hurts sometimes but i believe that after what i put myself through and my confession etc our relationship can survive this, she must know i would never do anything like this again, i have made big strides in my lifestyle to change too and she continues to give me freedom. I however still fell like a piece of **** and cant stop thinking about how much i have let her down and does our relationship really have a future (there is nothing except what goes on in my head to suggest i doesn't), sometimes i think it would be easier if i just dissapeared and let her meet someone who truly deserves her.

I am sorry if i have waffled a bit just wanted to give you some insight into my situation, 'will a relationship ever be the same after infidelity' who knows, all i know is i have done everything in my power to try, i am hopeful my marriage will be stronger for my confession but you never know, your relationship will change as you and your partner change, so it is never really the same at any time, i do know we are both still very much in love and this is the reason we are moving on, if your feelings for your husband are strong and you believe him (i think this is crucial as you will continue to have doubts) of course your marriage can survive, ask for openess (he owes you that much) and dont believe all this once a cheater always a cheater nonsense, we as men are very flawed creatures, we make mistakes yes, some worse than others but thats all it is a mistake, forgiveness is a massive part of life, ask him questions and gain an understanding, look into his eyes and you will know the answer.

You need to make a choice, yes a massive choice, you already (as i did) in your heart know where this is going, be honest to your feelings and move forward in whatever way your heart tells you (easy for me to say as this is where i am struggling), the fact you are still together suggests to me that you do believe him and that your love is strong enough to survive this, it wont be easy but i hope it will be worth it.................