I don't understand...

Hey, I'll try to make this as short as possible.

Ever since I can remember, I've always been the quiet, mysterious silent type. I would never speak to anyone about how I am feeling. Whenever I have a problem or anything that's bothering me, i keep it to myself. If I'm having problems in Uni, I act like nothing is wrong. If I'm having problems with my sisters or parents or friends, I shut up and pretend nothing is wrong. If I was actually able to sort things out for myself, I'd say this was fine. But the problem is that I can't. When something is wrong, I get really depressed. I tend to blame myself for everything, and I started hating myself, saying "If only I did things differently". During this time, I avoid sitting with my parents and sisters, so they start making fun of me saying that I once again am being annoying which gets me evn more depressed.

I keep thinking that I should talk to someone who can help me sort out my feelings but I can never get myself to do that. I believe that I have to be strong and that I should never show my weak side to my sisters or friends. If I showed it to my friends and talked about my problems at home, they might judge my family. If I talk to my siters about friends, they might make fun of me or judge my friends. So, I keep it to myself. I am at the top of my class and I get good grades to please my mom who thinks I'm a genius when Im really not. Back in school, I was the smart, quiet, polite girl and because of that i couldnt talk about any home problems. I couldnt talk to my mom or sisters because they thought I was an angel too. The pressure is too much, I cant do what I want. Even now in uni, its the same. Im even majoring in something I dont want because I have no choice. Everyone expects me to major in architecture cuz I got good grades im math and physics. But I cant tell anyone because Im supposed to be enjoying myself. Im really depressed now but I cant talk to anyone cuz im "Strong". When I cry alone in the room, I keep praying that someone can walk in on me and see me crying so that they understand without me having to talk. But Im still afraid. I dont know what to do and I dont understand why I do this.

Ok, so apparently its not short :P

Hello, Tamika. The shame you describe likely will get worse if not dealt with. For whatever reason, you are not giving yourself the love you deserve.

Please consider talking to someone at student health. My suggestion is for you to print your post for the one you see. Getting help is not a weakness. Yes, it will be scary. Getting better will not be easy. I hope you will believe getting better is possible and that you are worthy of a more meaningful life of YOUR choosing.

Good luck.

Hello Tamika,

I'm glad you're here and decided to talk about the things that are bothering you and how you feel. There are is a lot of very supportive people at PC that you can talk to.
Before I go any further, in reading your post, one thing crossed my mind that is probably the first thing I should ask you about. It might seem like a rather odd thing to ask you, but there is a very good reason for it. My questions is, are you Asian ?
You exhibit certain characteristics that are common to people who are brought up in an Asian culture... which has bearing on your mindset.

Thank you, ive been told that i should give myself credit sometimes, but the thing is, i dont think i deserve it. i dont know why, but i cant seem to believe that :P. and where im lliving, there's no student help. And its really hard to get professional help. Thats why I came here

LOL, its not odd and yes im asian. :P I hope I get that support :P

Hello again, Tamika. Perhaps these articles may be of use to you:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Be well.

Hi Tamika,

Hmmmm...

I hope you realize that the things you talked about and the feelings your are experiencing are very, very common in younger people that were brought up in the culture you were brought up in... Not that that makes it easier for you by any means, but I just wanted to make sure that you are aware that the feelings you are experiencing are the result of the culturally derived expectations that are placed on you. As hard as it may be for you to believe, there are literally hundreds of thousands of young people that are in the same boat as you. It is all due to the very strict and incredibly demanding expectations that you have been subjected to for your whole life.
You are expected to excel in school. You are expected to excel in everything you do. You are expected to do nothing that might bring shame on yourself or on your family. You are expected to be dutiful, obedient and respectful of your parents... and on and on and on and on go the expectations...

And here is the real kicker...

Because you were raised to live up to all of the expectations that were placed on you by all of the external influences in your life, you in turn place those expectations on yourself as well. They become an integral part of the way you think and act and make choices in your life. Those expectations form the basis for how you judge your own self worth... You are constantly comparing yourself to your expectations to see if you measure up... to see if you are fulfilling the need to be as you are expected to be...

What that mindset creates is a person that is very intolerant and unforgiving of what they perceive to be personal faults. Instead of finding forgiveness in themselves, they can only find shame... They find shame for their shortcomings and and for their unworthiness.

Does this sound familiar Tamika? Is this what's going on with you?

I am asking you this because I've just spoken of things that I know little about, but have only felt from reading your post...

Am I imagining all of this or is there any truth to it?

Wow.. uh.. no. no you're not imagining this. it's true i guess. but what am i supposed to do about it? even if i want to just take a break i cant. Having close family members is awesome, but if my parents call me or my sisters call me, and I really just don't wanna go, I can't. What I mean is, I don't have enough space or privacy to just be alone. I don't know, I just always thought of this as me being dramatic and weird. What saddens me is that noone seems to notice what's going on with me.

I understand your feeling of isolation and of being trapped... with no control over your own life... unable to feel like you are being seen and heard as you are... and you feel very afraid and alone... and don't know what to do to free yourself of the dilemma you are in... In short, you are stuck and don't know what to do to get un-stuck...

Tamika... please hear this and believe me... it is important that you do so... Ok?

What you are feeling is not you just being dramatic or weird... not even a little bit . You are a human being with human emotions. You have a good, VALID reason to feel as you do. You are not less of a person for feeling as you do. What you feel is real, and you have a real reason to feel as you do.

So... there it is...

The next question, the BIG question is, "Ok, NOW what? How do you come to terms with what's going on in your life and what you can do to come to terms with what you are feeling?... In short, how do you fix the mess that you see yourself in..."

Does that pretty much sum it up?

Honestly, I've thought of that a million times. I have no idea how to fix this. I mean, I know I should tell my parents what I want and tell my sisters, but I don't want to. I don't know if I'm just afraid or scared of what they'll say or if I'm afraid of change. You see, when I did talk once, the reply I got was depressing. I didn't like the way someone I knew thought of people or treated them, and when I tried to confront that person, it turned on me. It became my fault, like my insufficient understanding of people, my tendency to trust new people too much, my naivety. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. I don't want that again. I've avoided talking about my feelings for way too long, it's natural now. When I tried to tell my parents that I'm not happy with architecture and that I want to study nnutrition or environmental science , they agreed that I should do what I want and that made me happy. But they can't let me study abroad because then my sisters would want the same (and I think they don't want people to talk) and they think that studying architecture would help our family and make them proud. So now I'm stuck with it, and I don't know what to do. I've changed so much. I used to be this cheerful person; I loved to exercise, bake, go out, talk. Now, I can't seem to find enough energy for me to wake up in the morning. If I didn't have any duties, I would sit in bed the whole day. So how am I supposed to fix that?

Just for the record, I wanted to say that my parents are amazing. It's true, they have their moments, but overall, they're good. They do care, but maybe like you said, culture plays a great role.

...in your situation, it is ALL the result of cultural conditioning... If you had been brought up in a western culture we wouldn't be having this conversation... but then, I suppose that's a rather silly thing to say...

I'm going to meditate for a while... perhaps if I do, when I come back I'll be able to see with more clarity than I have right now...

There IS a way for you to find peace in your life... I have to believe there is...

Oh... I have NO doubt that your parents are EXCELLENT parents... that isn't in question or even on the table for discussion...

Thank you

You don't know how much it means to me to see you care like that. I'm gonna go do my own kind of meditation, sleep :P. I don't know, I guess I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling better, you know. Well, wish me good dreams

I'll come back tomorrow

Good Night Tamika,

Sleep well

I have one question for you when you wake up... I believe I know the answer to the question but can't be certain. Please forgive me for my ignorance of our cultural differences, but I am trying to learn to understand you better.

I am wondering if a great part of your anxiety arises from your fear of causing your parents and family to lose face... and in turn, your loss of face. You fear bringing shame to yourself and to your family by choosing to follow your own path instead of the path your family has expected you to take...

I don't know... that was just a passing thought... I feel that I'm being rather dim-witted about seeing what lies directly before of me

It occurred to me how little we in the West understand the concept of "face"... how foreign it seems to us... and how little we understand the value that "face" has in an Asian culture...

At any rate, I'm going to go zip off into La La land for a while now...

Good morning,

I'm in Univerity now and have only a short break,so I can't stay long.

I know for sure that I would hate for my family to lose face. As you said, here in our culture, "face" plays a great part. But there's also another problem. Some time ago, there was a huge problem with my sisters, my big sisters. My mom found out, and my sisters covered for me, saying that I knew nothing about anything. So, my mom now trusts me more than ever. Whenever, something goes wrong, she'd come ask mebecause she knew I'd say the truth. I don't mind that, but now she expects even more of me. She told my dad that I would have no problem taking Architecture because I would do anything that would help our family. And that's true, but 5 yers is a really long time. And what I'm saying is so random; one time I'm talking about culture, then I'm suddenly talking about home issues :P. LOL, I guess I'm just cool :P

Thanks for everything

Tamika,

You said, "I guess I'm just cool :P Thanks for everything"

When you started this thread, you said "If I'm having problems with my sisters or parents or friends, I shut up and pretend nothing is wrong. If I was actually able to sort things out for myself, I'd say this was fine. But the problem is that I can't. When something is wrong, I get really depressed."

Since you told me that everything is alright and you have nothing more to say, then I can do little more than to wish you well.

Please forgive my directness, but I'm not convinced that you "are just cool" as you claim or that everything is ok. I think you are just being "strong" again... and you are not ok.

If you change your mind and decide that you really would like to talk to someone here, and I hope you will.

Take care,
I hope you change your mind,
Dan

No, thats not what I meant by that. I would love to continue hearing from you. I was just saying that my randomness was well... random. That's all. And the thanks for everything part was for real. I do want to thank you, but I don't want you to stop. I'm sorry if i offended you by saying that. I didn't mean I don't want your help anymore. I'm sorry, when I get nervous or when someone, you know, hits the spot, I start making jokes and laughing for no reason. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism, I don't know. But please don't stop. That's why I put it on a new paragragh at the end, you know, instead of Sincerely or Love or anything like that. Please? I do want to talk.

Hi Tamika!

Oh, it was my mistake. I misunderstood what you were saying. I apologize for my error.
You didn't offend me at all, not in the least. I just thought thought that you were "avoiding" again and I felt concern for you...
I'm pleased that you still want to talk...
Shall we continue?
Please tell me more about your family. Are you the youngest daughter? Do you have any brothers? What does your father do for a living?
I think I'm just wanting to get a better feel for who you are...
Is this your first year at University?
Are you living with your parents or at school?
I sense that you are Japanese. Is that correct?
It sounds like you might be depressed. You said that you have not spoken to ANYONE about how you feel, and you don't think there is anyone that you CAN talk to. Is that correct?
Please tell me more of what is on your mind...

Dan

Hey,

I'm glad I didn't offend you . I would love to continue, but I'm feeling kind of... exposed talking here on an open forum. If you don't mind, can we go on messaging instead? I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries and that you have no problem with that. If you do, then I guess I wouldn't mind talking here, but you know, I thought I would ask

Oh YES!! I was going to suggest the same thing to you! I was feeling rather exposed here too...

Please PM me!!

I will, and I did