Scared I am becoming co-dependent

Didn't he try to end the relationship? On the phone you are the one who tried to continue it and yet you deleted everything, etc. I think, no matter how he tries to end it, what he says, it might not be okay with you; you keep giving yourself and him mixed messages?

If I were you, I'd write him a letter and end it however you feel would be best for you but so you know for sure it is over and not about him and what he does. You don't necessarily have to mail the letter if you don't want but getting it clear in your mind, what you want for you, might help?

Well it turns out that once again I overreacted. I went away for the weekend to a yoga ashram and decided that on the way home if I saw he was home I would stop by and end things for good. When he saw me walk up he looked surprised and happy. I asked him if he ever planned on calling me again and he immediately apologized and explained that he had been grading papers(deadline, had a root canal (he had mentioned but I forgot)had exams to give and was also notified by the University that his contract would not be renewed next year. I felt so bad that he is losing his job but I still vented at him for all the ways he frustrates me and etc and he agreed that he has been a jerk. I asked him if we were broken up and he never actually wanted to or planned to break up-he really did need a week to take care of crap. He said that I am the only thing in his life that does not cause stress and that the night we had a fight was just bad timing. I am weak and have decided to give him another chance but I made it clear to him that he really pissed me off and that I was going to break up with him if he pulled any crap again. So for now I am just going to take it one day at a time and try to live in the moment and not be a control freak-as long as he puts in an effort.

Still content in my decision to give him a second chance. He has also seemed make more of an effort to be a better boyfriend and more attentive to me. I hope this trend continues, but for now I am trying my best to take it one day at a time and if we don't end up staying together I know that there are plenty of other guys out there who would love to go out with me and that I am lucky enough to have great friends around me who can give me the support I need.

This last week I have spent more time with the boyfriend than ever, and I am happy to spend a few days without him. Sometimes he is very difficult to talk to and his tendency to be a know-it-all does get exhausting after a while. But I do enjoy my time with him for the most part, but I am very happy we live apart and privacy is only five minutes away!

So now I am annoyed again. I have sent two texts to him and he has not responded to either. It has been two hours since the last one and I know he is not going to respond. It's not really a huge deal but I think it is somewhat rude not to respond to a text that is thanking you for something. I also have no idea when I will hear from him next because hockey playoffs are everyday this week-but I made the last plans so it is up to him. I just got done being mad at him and don't want to again-but we will see if he puts in any effort this week. If not I will have to reconsider this relationship once again.

Four hours and still no "your welcome" to the thank you text I sent. I acknowledge that most of the irritaion is caused by me and the obsessive compulsive disorder, but it is irritating none the less. Also I am not in the best shape today as I spent the weekend having too much fun, not exercising, having guests over too late and last night my cat felt the need to wake me up every hour. I should not get so irritated like I do, he is a guy adn they do not think the same as women. I know he cares about me and this past week and weekend he really did make an effort to make time for me and even consented to going out when I wanted and he did not and he did end up having a great time. Yesterday we had a nice morning together and for once did not seem to rush me out of his place, instead it was me who had to bail. He is just not like most people and I have to remind myself that he is 1) not an American and therefore does not have the mindset that all of my other boyfriends have. 2) he is an academic (so am I but I am also very good at adapting socially to the group I am with at the moment. 3) he is very very unhappy with most aspects of his life and has told me that I am one of the things in his life that is not causing him stress. 4) He is a philosopher and really does not think like most people. 5) he is a guy and his brain does not work like mine 6)

But he does have some great qualities and when we are together he can be soo sweet and kind and affectionate that it is worth the other crap I have to put up with.

But at the same time our time together is not permanent so I have to constantly remind myself that it will probably end in a year and not to let myself fall in love with him (and sometimes he annoys the crap out of me and I actually think that I am glad we do not live together cause I might have to strangle him if I did) so for now I meed to take it one day at a time, not obsessively check my phone to see if he has called, let him make the plans half of the time(and it is his turn next so I wonder when he will call because of the hockey game/)

For now what I need to do to be happy in this relationship is not let it be the first priority in my life(it is not yet, and I need to keep it that way) I need to make me first including not eating crap food, exercising every day, taking time to meditate, taking time to unwind with the cats, continuing to spend lots of time with my friends, and accepting that the best way to approach this relationship is from the Harry Connick Jr. song "Nothing lasts forever so I figure I better take you forever, for now"

Hi biblioknitter,

It sounds like you are doing well with this by really keeping in touch with your feelings and thinking rationally. Be gentle with you. Relationships are not easy.

Elana

So once again it was all me being OCD, having partied way too much over the weekend, and my cat waking me up every hour the previous night. Last night he skipped watching hockey to hang out with me, we watched a movie and had a very nice night, he even brought up my text about the music-I did not complain because there was really nothing to complain about-he usually responds to texts that are important and isnt that really what matters? So basically when I exercise every day and get a good nights sleep and I am not as OCD or paranoid as I am when I am not living a balanced life. Moderation is the key and let the universe take care of the details. It really is amazing the difference a good nights sleep(in his arms) and a good hike make

And once again I am driving myself crazy because I sent him a text 45 minutes ago and he has yet to respond. I realize it is not a long time and he could be busy doing tons of things that prevent him from responding right away, but it still irritates the crap out of me. I wish I had not sent him a text, it is just that I have so little free time I really want to make the most of it and he agreed that we can make plans in advance-though I feel if I wait around for him then I will not know anything til the last minute.

Hi again biblioknitter,

I have gotten some insight and comfort by going to a weekly CoDA meeting. Have you ever tried one? You might try it and see if you like it. (I don't want to imply that I think you are or aren't co-dependent. Heck, I don't even know if I am ... but I like the people there and always get some insight when I go).


E.

Two hours later and still not response, this is really really annoying. We had the talk about why he doesn't respond to my texts earlier but I do not want to have it again. Maybe I should just delete his number again so I will not be tempted to call him

I do not think I am co-dependent because I LOVE living by myself and have no interest in living with anyone any time soon. I also do not feel the need to see or talk to the boyfriend everyday, but I do get ocd about texting/ calling at times-other times I am fine. I have other friends who are also very bad at responding to texting and I know it is probably not intentional but it is rude and annoying. I have a very full life and would like to make the most of it but it is hard when the other person COMPLETELY SUCKS at communicating. It irritates me like nothing, I know it is mostly me and I am in therapy but I doubt my *****ing to my therapist will get me results. How much longer can I do this-the week I was not talking to him my head was not going crazy wondering when he would respond to my messages cause I did not send any-part of me wishes I had been able to break up with him because this is not good for me to obsess about.

Elana05, I have found that I do not like group therapy. While I am a very social person I do not like sharing my problems with other people and get very uncomfortable in those situations. I am not co-dependent I am OCD/Bipolar II. I really do not even like one-on-one therapy. I have been in and out of therapy for half of my life and cannot say it has done me much good-I seem to be in a bad mood when I go and that kind of defeats the point.

3.5 hours and still no response. He better have a good excuse, as of now I have completely giving up on him responding any time soon. I am soo irritated and as a preventative measure I deleted his # from my phone (for the 3rd time) so I will not send him anymore texts or call him. It is once again up to him to put in the effort-he was doing a very good job but this just pisses me off. I know I am overreacting but that is what I do. Better to rant online in the anonymity and privacy of psych central then to get mad at him for something as stupid as not returning messages in a timely manner.

I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, but I am wondering if maybe right now isn't the best time for you to be in a relationship? I get the feeling that you have a lot of pent up anger and frustration that seems to come out when you are in a relationship. Perhaps it would be better for both you and your guy to simply not be in a relationship. I think you need to try to explore in therapy why you get so upset when a text message is not immediately responded to. I would also suggest journaling and maybe bringing in your journal entries to read and discuss with your therapist. Try to be non-judgmental and defensive when you do this. I get the feeling that you are constantly on the defense about your actions and feelings, and I think if you could try to sit back and look at your emotions like you are a third party to them, not in anyway connected to them, you might be able to get a better handle on them and not let them control you.

I also just want to say that I frequently do not respond to texts. Text messages are short and sweet, "want to get lunch tomorrow?" "sure." I do not stress about whether or not they respond. I don't expect anyone to be glued to their phone. I don't expect everyone to drop what they're doing to cater to my needs, and I certainly wouldn't expect others to feel differently about my text messages to them. You are in charge of your own happiness, sadness, anger, anything. If they get back to you, great! If they don't, don't stress about it. Make other plans. If they do get back to you after that, real friends will understand what happened and not worry about it.

I don't think it is pent up anger, I have had that in the past and this is nothing like that. When I am angry I want to be violent, this is just frustration and irritation.

I have an incredibly full life-working full time, yoga three days a week, hiking the other days, lots of hanging out with friends, in fact I see most of my friends more than the bf. I have bi-polar II and OCD and am treated with meds and therapy but I seem to have problems controlling my issues the week after my period. The majority of the time I am fine in the relationship but my OCD kicks in from the estrogen and I have only been on the meds three months now so my body has not completely adjusted and I am just coming off a lot of stress in my work life.

I was raised in a waspy/puritan midwest home where manners are VERY important and it is considered rude not to respond to a call, email, text, letter, etc in a timely manner. I do not get as irritated when friends do this but it still bothers me and I have close friends who also get irritated by people doing this-I think it just depends on the person.

I do not feel that expecting someone to respond to a text (even with a one word reply) in an hour is "catering to my needs" especially when this person is glued to their iphone and does not work a traditional job(he is a professor and has the summer off of teaching, therefore spends his days in coffee shop socializing and writing articles). For the most part he is a very good boyfriend (considering he is not getting tenure and has a year to find a new job or be deported out the country as he is not American) but the problem is my occasional OCD bouts. I use this as a way of venting my frustration because I KNOW THAT I AM OVERREACTING and I would rather vent to psych central than be a crazy girlfriend. I have discussed this with my therapist and he feels that it is both rude not to respond but also that my getting irritated is part of my bi-polar II and OCD.

My life is so busy that I have to make plans with all friends and boyfriend in advance otherwise I may not have time to see them and after 4 years of not having a lot of friends (was busy with grad school and then finding a job) I finally have a great group of friends who I love to spend time with. So it is not like I am texting him all the time to spend my time with him because I enjoy living alone and have no immediate plans to live with him-I also do not feel the need to see him everyday and he has been very accommodating about spending the right amount of quality time with me.

Once again, I use Psych Central to vent my problems so that I do not take it out on friends/boyfriend/colleagues, for the most part I am a very happy person but I like to take precautions to prevent having an episode to a loved one and that is why I post frequently when I feel the need.

What is wrong with me, I just cannot leave him alone. I intentionally made plans for Sat night with the boyfriend so that I could have some alone time with myself keep distance from him so he does not get sick of me. So of course last night I send him a text trying get him to come over around 10:00, he waits til the hockey game is over and texts me an hour later but had he been drinking and was not going to drive(which is very understandable) but I did not believe I could trust myself so I deleted his # again to be safe. So today I saw he was on facebook and tried to chat, 10 minutes later no response and then he went offline so did I and then I logged out and when I logged back in a few minutes later he was back but no reply. I can't even ask him cause he will give some excuse did not see you or was too busy, etc. Why the hell and I doing this and acting like a crazy girl-I need to stop or I will scare him away, I just hope he did not see my chat message (erased it after he did not respond) and I will do my best not to be on facebook or message him if he is. At least I cannot call him. I just am irritated that he put in an effort for a week and now he is back to his old ways, I am annoyed but not sure how much is me being crazy or him just being a stupid guy or both? Whatever it is this relationship is not good for me as it is, I just wish he would make more of an effort but I am worried that if I bring it up he will end things. I sometimes wish I had broken up with him and just moved on with my life-why am I doing this???? Hope the xanax kicks in soon.

OK, so I am being CRAZY. At the moment I was stalking him on facebook he was sending me a text with an invitation to do something tonight. I am in serious need of my therapist and luckily I will see him soon so I can work on my OCD.

Sorry if I came across as *****y, I appreciate your opinion and am just having "one of those days"

Sometimes I wonder if I should be in a relationship but I am not getting any younger and my therapist thinks I should because "life is short".

As far as being able to control my emotions I am fully aware that they are not normal (though I was not aware of this till the last few years) I have bi-polar II and OCD (was misdiagnosed and mismedicated for over a decade)so while I am aware that my reactions to everyday things are not appropriate or normal, having bi-polar and OCD does not make it easy to act and react like I know I really should-that is why these are recognized disabilities and I am doing everything I can to improve on them but they do not go away overnight. In fact I have improved so much in the last few years(Most of that without help or meds) that I am VERY proud of myself-in the last year I have managed not to drive anyone away with my issues and am finally able to say I love myself and I have confidence-but three decades of misdiagnoses, mental abuse, bullying, and self-loathing do not go away overnight so every day really can be a struggle.

I am defensive because I have a hard time expressing myself and for the the majority of my life people have either not given me a chance or misunderstood me, I did not have a good experience socially people for the majority of my life(because people "just did not get me") so I adapted by being defensive and it is hard habit to shake. I try to keep it to psych central and my therapist cause "normal" people don't understand what I have been through and cannot relate to a life of being bullied, tormented and emotionally abused. So I fake it when I am around most people and come here to vent because this is the only place where I can be myself without being judged or told that no one likes me and do not want to be my friend.

I want to make it clear that I do not feel sorry for myself, I am very fortunate in most aspects, but I am TERRIBLE and properly communicating my feelings and people really don't understand me. For the longest time my closest friend was my teddy bear and currently I do not feel comfortable opening up to anyone completely because the last time I did the friend would call me crazy(even though she is on anti-depressants and has no right to judge) and when I told her to stop she called me a *****.

But as far as being in charge of my own happiness when it comes to how I react to texts not responding is just plain rude and clearly you do not suffer from OCD or you would understand why I get crazy about not responding in a timely manner. I could easily take the easy way out and try to go on disability (as a previous doctor suggested) but instead I finished college and grad school with honors, have had a successful career in academia and have been supporting myself for nearly a decade now.
But the thing with OCD and Bi-Polar is that while you can look back at your actions like you are a third partly and acknowledge that they are wrong actually controlling them is VERY HARD, even with therapy and meds. It is easy for someone else to suggest I try to control them but that is the thing about my problems I cannot always control them despite WANTING to. Again I am very fortunate that my issues are mild as far as psychiatric problems go but I would never ever wish these on anyone because not being able to control yourself even when you want to is HORRIBLE and has ruined a lot of my life.

Privacy is only five minutes away. Sounds like you can escape the relationship whenever you choose. And it does sound like you are doing the choosing here.
Are you sure this is what you want? I almost sounds like you have nothing else in your life but him, not good. Do you want that, nothing else in your life but him? What kind of life is that?
Youll wake up one day and say, what the **** was I thinking, here I am waiting on HIM hand and foot and he is a know it all and POOOR ME.

I didn't take offense to either of your messages, just so you know. My anxiety and depression are always worse the week before my period, so I understand what you mean in that department. My depression usually shows itself in the form of irritation, and that gets even worse, so I definitely understand "having one of those days."

I guess my opinion on text messages is that if it was really important, they would have called and left a message. To me, phone calls actually take initiative, whereas text messages are simple, easy, and often flippant. If someone one calls or texts, I do get back to them in what i consider a timely manner. If they called, I may get back to them sooner than if they text, depending on what I'm doing. I never text and drive, so if I'm driving three hours (which used to happen a lot when I was in school), the person is going to wait until I get a chance to respond. Or if I take a nap, my text message noise doesn't wake me up, but my ring tone does.

You also say that your boyfriend is a professor so he isn't busy in the summer. My dad is also a professor and he's extremely busy, year round. He also has an iphone he spends a lot of time on, but I can never tell how long it will take him to respond to a text or a call from me. Sometimes minutes, but more frequently hours. During the work day (which is pretty much until he gets home at night, which varies, but usually not before 8) his students and his job are his priority, unless I call three times in a row because that means i'm having an emergency. If I text him at all during the day, I usually get a response in the evening. Though, I suppose this summer, you're boyfriend shouldn't be too busy except to be finding a new job.

I have not suffered from OCD, but I have been diagnosed as being on the bipolar spectrum, plus GAD and depression. I have also done a lot of DBT work in inpatient and outpatient programs. If you aren't already, I think you would really benefit from a good, in depth DBT course. It teaches you how to step away from your emotions and simply sit with them for a while before reacting to them, so that you can feel more in control. I know that getting better is never easy and definitely not something that changes over night. I wasn't trying to suggest anything like that. I realize that it is hard and that PC is a great place for you to come and vent your struggles and commiserate with others, so please don't take anything I'm saying in a negative way. I am simply trying to offer you support in the best way I know how. If I'm not helping or just making things worse, feel free to let me know.

Good luck, and I hope you continue to write here.

Open Eyes have you read any of my posts ? Where did you get that I have nothing else in my life but him? I have TONS of friends, a rewarding career, yoga, book club, pot-luck club, hiking, baking my cats, my long distance friends, work friends, alone time, traveling, etc. I DO NOT wait on him hand and foot, seriously where did you get that idea. The only time I have gone out of my way for him was on his birthday and even then I put it very little time or effort. I have never waited on a guy hand and foot and never will, I don't even want to get married til I am 40 and still have no desire to live with anyone (aside from animals). I am very independent-I support myself and have never needed or desired a man to take care of me. Even when I was a stupid teenage I never let a boyfriend be my whole life-I do not think anyone should be your whole life and never felt or feel that a boyfriend will "complete me" boyfriends are like icing on the cake-very nice but not always necessary. I have actually had boyfriends break up with me because they were intimidated by my independence and successful career and education. I actually consider myself selfish because I put my happiness before other-if you are not happy than how can you benefit others. I value my alone time and freedom and have not plans on becoming a parent, partly because this world is overpopulated and so screwed up that why would I possibly want to bring someone into it, but mostly because I like my independence and would rather travel the world than raise a child. I am actually offended by your post and suggest you read ALL of my posts and you will realize that I WILL NEVER let anyone other than myself be the most important thing in my life. Even when I was living with my ex-fiance I made it very clear that my priorities were 1) me, 2) grad school, 3) yoga, healthy living 4) work 5)travel 6) cats 7)him/friends/family. This was with the person I loved more than anyone and was going to spend my life with-I would never make a boyfriend of 4 months the only thing in my life-even if I believed in that crap about someone being "the one"