[darkfoxx]

My fiancee and I of four years are in a bit of a rough patch. We recently moved out of her moms house where we were confined to close quarters and we were fighting a lot and our sex life was left lacking. I thought things would get better once her mom stopped interfering in our life. We now have a next to nonexistence sex life although we don't really fight all that much anymore we spend most of our time in separate rooms. If I ask her what's wrong with us she tells me everything is fine and that she is happy. I know she isn't keen on seeing a therapist. In her eyes everything is as it should, to me, I feel ignored. Everytime I bring this up to her she starts crying. She really is a great girl and I am not willing to lose her but I need my relationship to be helped.

[Leed]

Have you told her that you feel ignored?? What is she doing in the other room? What are YOU doing in the other room? Why can't you both be in the same room, doing whatever you both are doing?

It sounds to me like you're not communicating. You say that when you bring the subject up, she starts crying. Perhaps it's the WAY you bring up the subject. Be a little more gentle -- ask her what's wrong. Tell her you feel ignored, and you want the both of you to be in the same room. Tell her you think the BOTH of you should be communicating better. That's a start to a closer relationship. Once you start talking more, things will fall into place. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[RomanSunburn]

If you don't already, I would suggest eating dinner together, at a table, without other distractions going on like the TV or cellphones. Start talking about your day, if anything interesting is going on at work, or if you're reading a really good book. Little things to just start conversations up again.

Also, perhaps make time every week to do things together. Perhaps go on a date night. Sit at home and play board games together. Go for walks together in the evenings.

I agree with Lee. Why not move both of your activities into the same room?

If she's not interested in seeing a therapist, why don't you see one on your own? They'll be able to help you with your feelings, come up with solutions, and help you improve your communication style. If you're fiancee sees that this is important enough to you to get you to see a therapist, maybe she'd be willing to come along to one of your sessions somewhere down the road.

[darkfoxx]

She watches tv in the living room while I play games in the bedroom. I am not interested in watching the shows she likes and I usually end up bugging her while she's watching tv. To me, there is no easy way to say "hey I feel ignored" but I will usually start with hey is there something bothering you. We do eat together at a table but more often than not she has one of her tv shows on. I've tried to arrange one night a week a date night however something comes up like for instances last Sunday she was suppose to take us to see a movie (we alternate paying weekly) but she had some finacal issues so she couldn't pay and even though I offered to pay she said it was the prinicpal. We haven't had a date night in about four weeks when I last paid for bowling. And about moving both the activities in the same room, we use to have everything jamed into one room where we lived before and we had both agreed in was annoying, although at this point, I wouldn't mind just to be around her again. Over the weekend I did tell her I wanted to see a therapist I didn't tell her the reason since I have a lot of things going on with my family and work and then myself, she told me the only way I could is if we went together since she has really good insurance and I have none. She told me I could just talk to who ever and she sit on in but I don't feel comfortable saying hey I'm not happy with this this and this, by the way, I think I'm having relationship problems as well to a therapist. Its a lot of pressure just thinking about talking about my problems with her listening in.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm pretty sure that no therapist will just let her "sit in" on your appointments because you two are trying to work the insurance system. (I don't blame you for wanting to try, though). But if you schedule an appointment for two people the therapist is going to want to talk to two people. And besides, you said it yourself, you'll be censoring yourself if she's there and that's not what therapy is about. I think if she is really unwilling to be a participating member of the therapy sessions, then you should look into going by yourself. A lot of therapists will do sliding scale fees if you don't have enough money to pay and no insurance. Some therapists have online profiles (you can find them using this site) that say whether or not they do sliding scale fees.

In regards to money issues and the dates, I think there are plenty of ways to have a date night without spending a lot of money. You could rent a movie (they have redbox for a buck a night), and just pick a movie you both want to see, get some chinese food or make something together, and just sit on the couch and cuddle for the night. I'm also a big supporter of just going for walks together, riding bikes, going on hikes at state parks. Also, summer is coming, so keep an eye out for free concerts outside. I also think you should ask her to shut off the TV while you two are eating. Television was the biggest downfall for the American family dinner, if you ask me.

You could try telling her that you feel like the two of you aren't spending enough quality time together, and that you would like it if you both put more effort into doing so, that you don't want to go back to being crammed together like sardines in a can, but you do miss being around her.

Take care! Please keep us updated!

[AAAAA]

I’m sorry that you’re having a rough time right now darkfoxx.

It sounds very much like something else is going on. If she instantly starts to cry when you try to talk to her that is warning sign.

A healthy relationship is one of compromise. Your explanation of why you’re in different rooms is, forgive me, childish. Together time is important. That means doing things your partner likes to do just because it is nice to be around them. If you cannot sit through the TV show without being a pest, stick your ear buds in your ears and rub her feet while she’s watching. I have no idea what my husband finds interesting about Southpark, American Dad or WWE. Of course he doesn’t understand my taste in TV either. When he’s watching TV I’ll listen to my ipod or read. Commercials are snuggle time.

Commitment to each other is important. Sit down and discuss back up low/no cost date night plans. Board games or cards can be amazing fun. I recently discovered Netflix. Hubby and I select a series that we’re interested in and watch it together. It helps when we’re both interested so there is that sense of urgency “finish whatever so we can have TV time”. Hell, put some music on and dance in your own living room.

The key to a healthy relationship is communication. You have to figure out a way to communicate your feelings and needs. She is not a mind reader, nor are you. Why is she crying? Is she using the TV or financial issues as excuses not to interact with you? There is a problem here that needs to be sorted out.

[darkfoxx]

Well we do netflix we've watched about every new movie out so its not easy finding something new to watch. Lately we been catching up on a show that we both like. Your probably right on the therapist and I will look into that sliding scale. In regard to her crying , I hink its more of that she likes where we are at and maybe I sideline her when I tell her I am unhappy. It shows that we are very different in affection, she can be happy with a quick peck where I feel like I need to be smothered. I may play games and true as it is childish I won't pass up an opportunity to go out into the world and do real things even something simple as going to the store with her, but when I get out of work and she gets out and we are just lounging about, it helps keep me distracted so I'm not being a nuciance to her. I will try some new things to find a way to get her off the couch and spend time with me, I do like the idea of hiking I think I will try to do that soon.

[AAAAA]

For clarification sake I would like to say that I don’t think it is the game playing that I think is childish. My husband and I both enjoy video games. I do not like FPS but I will navigate when my husband plays something like Halo. And he will read the strategy guide when I play a RPG.

The thing I feel is childish is the rational that since you are not interested in the show she is watching you cannot simply watch it without “bugging” her. As adults we do things that we do not necessarily enjoy.

[darkfoxx]

Ok a bit of misunderstanding. Now about me bugging her, if I speak about anything, the show or life, I get an evil glare or worst she tells me I'm annoying her and to be quiet. I try to watch her shows but I cant , I never been real big into tv, and since I can remember I've been playing video games. I try to buy games that we can both play or that she suggests but we never end up playing or its short lived. The only game she plays is guitar hero, which (surprise, surprise), I have no interest in since my hand doesn't work the guitar right. So I pretty much rule out video games with her. Yesterday, I fear, is about the last day we will spend doing something together for a while. We are now caught up in our latest mutual tv show and have to wait for the next season. I did suggest hiking and I think she might enjoy it, now I know nothing about hiking so this should be interesting, hopefully, this weekend is nice enough to go out and do just that. I don't know what we will do after this adventure if we will do it some more or have to look for something else to do.

[Dreama]

I'm so horny and have no time for sex :/

[AAAAA]

I commend you for trying to find something you both enjoy, especially since it does not sound like she is actively working on this with you. Annoyances between partners is normal I think. To this day my husband will walk into the room halfway through a movie and show and ask what is going on. You’ve missed an hour and want me to catch you up in seconds! The DVR helps.

As with any issue in a relationship, you both have to be dedicated to finding the solution. I hope you can find a way to express your needs so that she understand how important this is to you.

[darkfoxx]

So over the weekend she broke our plans to go on a simple hike. I told her that I been going out of my way to find things to do together. She told me that she knows that I'm not happy but that this was who she is and that if I didn't like it that I should just break up and move on but that every relationship is going to wind up like this. Naturally I was lost for words and told her that I knew who she was and that no amount of greif was enough for me to break up with her. Then we went out picked up a few board games spend the day playing them and watching movies.

[AAAAA]

Wow, something is off here that I cannot quite put my finger on. Like a word on the tip of your tongue. Maybe if I spitball we can figure it out.

When she agreed to go hiking was it with the intention of breaking the plans? If so why did she not simply tell you that it was something that she is not really interested in? When two healthy adults are in a healthy committed relationship the response to “I know you’re not happy” is not “then …leave.” What did she mean every relationship is going to wind up like this?”

Since we do not know the whole story I cannot help but wonder is she committed to this relationship? Is she willing to compromise at all? It really does take two people to make a relationship work. It truly is a product of what you both put into it.

You both seem to be trying to deal with pretty big individual issues completely on your own. One of the reasons living beings, humans and animals alike, enter into a relationship is to share the load.

[darkfoxx]

Sry I haven't responded I've been busy. For one, I believe she does want this relationship, just on her terms, since she asked to have the wedding next year. This is her first REAL relationship, and she is pretty spoiled. I've notice the more I ignore her the more she tries to get my attention. I know she has her own personnal issues as do I, she chooses to forget them. I think when she said that to me she meant that every relationship is going to lose that spark and then just get bland. I do keep reminding her that she was a totally different person when I first met her, like we use to do stuff everyday, go for walks, minigolf, and just stuff to be together. Where its like now she doesn't want to be around me, she's breaking plans, everything I do she has to give me an attitude. I bought a grill off craigslist so I can grill her food and she says you have money like that and I prefer charcoal grills instead. Here I am just trying to help by cooking dinner for her and its not like I spent a fortune. We been planning vacations for the summer like new england aquarium which is where she wants to go, I don't mind just because it will be something to do together and a trip to new york and working all the stores there also what she wants. I don't know too many guys who want to do about 8-10 hours of shopping but as long as I am with her that's all I really care about. I feel like I'm the only one compromising here.

[darkfoxx]

Really fumed. We were suppose to see a movie tonight but it was sold out. I suggested we still go out and do something. Bar, club, bowling. She told me flat out no, the movie was ok because she could just sit there and watch but she didn't want to do anything but go home and sit on the couch. Then I snapped and told her she was uncompromising and that I do anything she wants to do. I guess she felt bad because she agreed to go out but I said no that she ruin my happy bubble and just to go home.