[SadJames]

I posted this in the new member section but think I would get more help here. I hope it is ok.

My wife was depressed for about 1 year before we started counseling. She had been in denial for the entire year and was up until a several weeks ago when she finally got put on Cymbalta. It has been working wonders now as she has lost weight and has the energy she did when we got married 7 years ago. But now she says she no longer loves me and wants a separation.

Now the part of the story I regret. During the time she was depressed she basically lived on the couch and gave up everything she loved. At first, I thought it would go away so I just ignored it. A few months into it, I started getting mean to her. I thought it was some "tough love." I had spoken to family doctors about her and when they would approach her about it, she would switch doctors.

After a few times of this, I started getting really mean. Saying things I would normally never say, doing things I would never normally do. All I wanted was to shock her into seeing what was going on. Although it never happened.

Finally one day she said she wanted a divorce. This shocked me. I asked to go to counseling and she agreed. It took awhile but she finally admitted she had a problem and got on the Cymbalta. The whole time she was willing to work it out even though she said she no longer loved me for the way I treated her. I thought she would see that it was the depression talking, and want to get back to the way we were.

Now today, she sends me an email saying she wants to get away from me for awhile and see if she feels anything. I am devastated. We were working so hard I thought, went on a few trips and found new hobbies together. I am waiting for her to get home from work after I left my work early because I am sick to my stomach.

Of course there is more to this and I will answer any questions honestly. I need opinions and advice on what to do. She is still the love of my life and I pushed her away and have no one or nothing to blame except for myself.

[Leed]

Have you tried explaining what you did ? Did you tell her that obviously your method was a mistake, and you're sorry that you hurt her? If you've owned up to everything that happened, I don't know what else to tell you. Perhaps if you keep going to counseling, she'll change her mind.

There is never an excuse for meaness or cruelty. I don't care what your reason for it is ~ it's just not good enough. You really owe her a big apology. If you KNEW she was depressed, the last thing she needed was someone being mean to her. That could have pushed her to the edge of no return -- you're lucky she didn't do something desperate!!

All you can do now is hope she accepts your apology. If she doesn't, I guess you've learned a valuable lesson. I wish you the best of luck. God bless and take care. Peace, Lee

[SadJames]

I've done everything i could think of to show I'm sorry. She says she has no feeling toward me since then and wants to stay around to see if any develop.

I don't see her putting in any effort though. She goes hiking by herself, walks by herself. Today she went with her co workers to fill some paperwork out and I offered to at least drive her there cause it's raining.

I feel everything I do is rejected.

[slinks]

I posted on another thread and after this, I feel even more like this is the same and the opposite.

I am going to guess here, but when you were "being mean" to her, did things just pop out of your mouth and then you realize a couple minutes later that what you said was totally the wrong thing to say and that you just messed up?...AGAIN...

I will be hurt by the fact that my husband hasn't had a face-to-face talk with me in a week, and I will start out by asking a question, but he is on his phone texting and I must then re-ask it and I'll get a yaa or something for an answer. Then I try to say something else and again he is distracted, so I try again, then I will ask if he could talk to me for a minute, and he'll say he is busy.... before I know what happened, I am telling him that he is cruel and that he neglects me and I can't understand why he won't share his life with me and on and on until I am in tears and he is angry and has now tuned me out and left the room, because I stress him out and he can't deal with it....

I am working on it, because I have realized that the problem is much more my perception of what is happening, rather than a reality of what is happening. I know that he is extremely frustrated with my problems, but I am too, and I need to stop being so hard on myself in order to change my behavior.

This used to happen several times a week, and I AM LEARNING and I am down to about once a week now. He has told me that he can see changes in me, but I am having a hard time, because I still feel that he has some depression as well, and I desperately want him to seek help for his issues so that we might begin to heal as a couple too.

[SadJames]

"I am going to guess here, but when you were "being mean" to her, did things just pop out of your mouth and then you realize a couple minutes later that what you said was totally the wrong thing to say and that you just messed up?...AGAIN..."

To an extent, this is correct. There were other times when I was just looking for any sort of reaction or acknowledgement I am in the room.

I am very un-capable of having too emotional of a conversation with anyone. So I got mad and frustrated very easily.

I am also afraid the damage is done. I don't think she has any intentions of working it out and is just waiting for a good time to leave.

[slinks]

I feel that way too. He has told me that He still loves our kids and me, but that he is just tired of trying and that there is nothing I can do to help.

I also feel like he is waiting until I am strong enough to take him leaving me, because I have damaged thing beyond fixing.

Sometimes when we have our....arguements I say things that are really hurtful, and I have just recently realized that I sometimes say these things trying to force him to get mad back and finally tell me what is going on in his head.

I have told him, that I feel he is dealing with some depression and that I can not accept that things might end between us while he is in his current state of mind....This of course did not have the impact I had thought it would.

I sometimes get so frustrated and try things that I know won't work, without considering the consequences. I have always been very jealous, and early in our relationship, I think that my husband really enjoyed it, and he would often intentionally provoke my jealousy, but now it no longer holds any joy for him, but I have been "trainded" and I am working really hard to retrain myself so that I stop irritating him with my constant reactions.

I have also shared with him, that I sometimes feel that maybe he is still "trained" to provoke my jealousy, by doing things he knows will cause my reactions..... These are all things that I think we could really benefit with changing in counseling, if he might agree to go with me.

But like I said earlier, just keep working on it as long as she will continue to go with you. And if whe is still dealing with depression herself, than try to be patient and maybe she will become more open as time passes....or at least I hope she will be.

[SadJames]

Thank you for the supportive words. It is hard. She still wants to leave she told me yesterday but is staying in the hopes that she can rekindle the love she had for me. I don't know how to feel on this situation. It's like she wants me to just wait until she makes a big decision. On the other hand, I don't want to throw away the last almost 10 years of my life as I watch her walk away for the last time.

Like I said before, It's kind of a catch 22. I want to live my life without waiting, but I don't want to live it without her.

[slinks]

I'll be thinking about you and I hope that it can work out. My husband and I have 20 years of marriage and 22 years together, so I totally understand what you feel.

[SadJames]

Thank you. The more people I talk about it with, the less it seems like the end of the world. I am truly glad I found this site.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Have you explained to her that you really didn't understand what was going on with her and didn't know how to behave? Let her know that you have now been educated on what she was going through and have learned more appropriate responses. From my point of view, when my husband does something hurtful and then later apologizes, I need to see that his apology is not just empty words and wait for the behavior to change to feel safe/comfortable again. Have you asked her for an opportunity to "prove" that you are making changes and would like her to consider testing the waters so to speak before she gives up on the relationship?

Another thought I had was to print this post for her. Sometimes it's easier to express yourself in writing than face to face.

IMO, she owns some of the responsibility in this also for not seeking help. That's not to excuse any inappropriate actions on your part, but maybe a share the blame sort of thing of why you reached this point in your marriage. It does take two and both of you made mistakes from what I see.

What did you do when you were dating/first married? Could you try some of those things again to find what you once had? Where did you propose to her, have you thought about a second proposal as a sign of a new beginning and willingness to change?

Just some thoughts....

[SadJames]

I feel as though it's easier just to not talk to me for her. I feel ignored sometimes and then get paranoid that we are falling apart again. Today is one of those days. She is packing for a field trip with her class and I wake up and see all of her stuff packed up and get triggered. I start accusing her of using the trip as an excuse to leave and not come back. Of course she gets furious at me. I then try to talk about it but lack the words to really express my concerns.

I feel like I'm just pushing her farther and farther away, although it is not my attentions. I have become depressed and paranoid that I will be left again. I am truly working on myself but have been slipping up a bit. She sees this as a sign that I cannot truly change. Honestly I don't blame her. I maybe coming on to strong when I should be giving her some space.

I also notice that she keeps her cell phone on her body at all times. She says there is nothing to hide, but I think she is hiding communication from her guy friend from me. Of course, this is really making me anxious and come on even stronger with the accusations.

I feel as though I'm fighting a losing battle. Especially today.

[SadJames]

So I printed it out and showed her. The reaction was not what I expected.

Correction in the story

1: She changed doctors because they kept cancelling an appointment on her. I thought otherwise because the doctor stated to me that he had discussed the depression with her when she stated that he hadn't.

2: She wanted me to bring up that I had done more than say negative things to her. I have in the past thrown things and punched doors before. I had also not let her out of the vehicle when we were going to dinner and had a fight in the car.

She says that she is changing back into the person she was when we first met. She wants to surround herself with her co-workers which are also her friends.

She also stated that I need to develop a life of my own. I have gotten rid of all of my friends because I have been becoming increasingly anti-social the past several months. I can't stand going out anymore.

Needless to say, it was not the reaction I was hoping for. She says all I can do is just give her space and see what happens. There is nothing I can do to make up for anything I have done in the past.

Perhaps I have way too many issues of my own to be able to salvage this relationship.

[SadJames]

Any ideas anyone? She is on a class trip for 3 days and I can only sit and think about what I have done and can do. Any opinions are more than welcome.

Thank you.

[kmw5]

I am living with a depressed spouse, so I can feel your frustration.

Maybe six months ago I felt so much anger toward my husband. He was clearly depressed (he has struggled with it off an on during our 20 years of marriage). I know, I know, I know that yelling and threatening is the wrong way to deal with the situation, but its really hard when the person you are talking to doesn't respond. While in my heart I feel so much compassion toward my husband, I just get tired of not having a partner to help take care of the kids, take care of the house or go out with on weekends for a movie or with friends. I admit my frustration also occasionally had me saying things I regret.

Last night I learned our college-aged daughter failed last semester. In talking with my husband I actually said - out loud - that I feared our daughter being an under achiever like he is. How cruel was that?!?! I feel terrible, but its the blank, unresponsive look that drives me batty.

I hope your wife listens to you and knows that even decent, loving people can respond inappropriately when trying to support a spouse with depression. Everyone suffers when someone in the house is depressed.

I am praying for you - blessings. Thanks for letting me vent a little too.

[PaintTheRoses88]

I know your frustration as well. My boyfriend has been depressed on top of having untreated, out-of-control OCD for the past year and it's really driven a wedge between us. I would feel angry at him a lot for putting so much pressure on me and being neglectful of my own feelings or just outright ignoring me. It's hard for those of us who are outside the depression. There have been times when I wanted to shake him and scream at him to snap out of this constant self-pity. I didn't, though, because I knew it would only make him feel worse and thus worsen the situation.

But, the fact is, it's not his fault, and it's not your wife's fault. Depression is like a black hole, and it's very hard to watch a loved one go through it and not get sucked in yourself. It sounds like you could also possibly benefit from therapy for yourself, not just couples' therapy because it sounds like you have some anger issues and insecurity issues. If you're becoming anti-social, try to rectify that. Call up some friends or maybe just go out by yourself. Start up a hobby or get some more exercise. Natural endorphin rushes can really make you feel better. Go for a nice, long walk. Use these three days to come up with a plan to make changes for the better-but do it for yourself not for her or the relationship. In doing it for yourself, you make yourself a much emotionally healthy person to be in a relationship.

As far as the way you treated her doing the depression, well, that's a tough one. You reacted out of fear and, yes, that was unwise and wrong of you, but you're only human. You know you did wrong and are trying your best to make up for it. But you can't make her forgive you for that. And it will take time. You also need to step back and take a deep breath. Give her the space she wants and needs even if it hurts. Accusing her of things like leaving or infidelity are only going to push her further away. If she constantly gets these negative reactions from you, then it's understandable why she may not want to talk to you.

What sort of things attracted her to you in the first place? What did you two do at the beginning of the relationship, before you were married?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Are you getting therapy for yourself? It might help YOU return to the person you were when the 2 of you were first together. Also, might give you a good outlet for some of these feelings. You can't change her mind, but you can work on changing yourself and that might show her another step you are willing to take to work things out.
It IS stressful to feel helpless when a spouse is depressed, some of what you're saying sounds like you responded with frustration, maybe try to find a healthy outlet for those feelings when they come up?

[SadJames]

Thank you for the responses. Yesterday she packed her stuff and left while I was at work. Apparently she got an apartment an hour away. She says she wants to think about stuff and maybe we can work it out. I don't know if I want to now. I will always love her and miss her dearly but I can't believe she would rather leave than work it out. I wish her the best but think it is probably over between us.

Now there is the matter of the legal side.

[kmw5]

I am so sorry.

[PaintTheRoses88]

I'm really sorry, SadJames. I know how hard this must be. But the best thing you can do now is just to leave her be. She probably feels like she needs to work on herself. Use this opportunity to work on yourself as well. Maybe at some point in the future you two can rekindle the relationship. If not, well, at least you'll be a stronger person for it.

[SadJames]

Thank you for the supportive words. Sometimes it feels as though it is the end of the world when it is not.

[PaintTheRoses88]

Losing a relationship with someone you love can definitely feel like the end of the world even when it's really not. Your head might feel messed up for a while. Let the feelings come and deal with them in as constructive a way as possible. This may be time you both need to work on your individual issues. Hope is not lost for reconciliation, but try not to focus on that. Just focus on yourself.

We're all here for you!