[broken_again]

Where do I start? My relationship is over after three and a half years, and we got engaged in May. Why did he purposs if it was going to end so abruptly. I mess up a lot . Not by cheating, but by being disrespectful in the worst kind of way. The day before last was the braking point, when I got wasted and got into an argument with him for no reason, and then hit him in the forehead. What an idiot I am, but why is he giving up on me? I know he loves me and I already have a appointment to see a phsycologist on Tues. I realize I have a problem, but I want to fix it not only for him, but for me. I don't know, do I even love him if I can treat him so poorly, or have I just been taking advantage of the fact that he loves me? Please help, I feel like I can't even breath, but I don't know what's worth fighting for. Do I let him go because that's what he wants or do I fight for the relationship that I thought would exist forever. Someone please reply!

[seeker1950]

Hi, Broken again, and welcome!
I would just say start by writing here about it. You will find many compassionate people here. Yes, many of us have gone thru it, and can perhaps offer suggestions, insights, and support.
Seeker

[broken_again]

Thanks, because I know I'll need someone to help me figure this mess out.

[Cactus]

Hi HUn

Sorry you having to cope with pain of break up.maybe you should take a few days out and see how you are both feeling then?

you may see things bit more clearly then

Keep us informed.

Im a newbie me and my friend Toonkate joined here today.

[LMo]

Broken - I'm so sorry to hear of your relationship problem. We talked a bit by PM so I won't go over that again, but I do want to address your point about "fighting for him".

You've got to give him space, especially as you've been abusive to him. He needs to learn to trust that you will respect him when he says "no". He already probably feels very guilty as it is, but he had to make the hard decision between his own health versus you. If you "fight" for him, you'll push him away -- believe me. Take this time to fix yourself up; get lots of therapy, meds if you are willing and your doctor agrees. Make as much progress as you can between now and the next time HE contacts YOU, so that you have good news to report. He needs to know that you take him seriously. Don't fight -- just work on yourself.

We're here for you,
LMo

i'm with LMo totally on this one. go see the psychologist and work on yourself. you can't make him change his feelings. he has to see that you are serious about changing and will take his time, i'm sure, before he committs to a lifetime with you. best of luck. one thing that will help is to post here and work through some of your feelings. people will be supportive..this is a very good community of caring and loving people. xoxoxo pat

[jennie]

((((((((broken_again)))))))) I know how confusing it is to be engaged then be dumped in a short time. Hopefully, you will find your answers and resolve the hurts soon. Take care of you!

[eskielover]

Broken_again,

Successful relationships are very difficult. You seem to have a known problem which he has finally drawn the line that he will not take any more of what was happening. At this point, fighting for him is not the answer. You need to really understand yourself. If you want him for the rest of your life, then you need to look at yourself, get some help & figure out what changes need to be worked on to make the relationship compatable from both sides. It does sound like a majority of the change needs to come from you in the way you treat him. Then the question is.....you have known this is a problem.....why did you continue until he finally drew the line telling you he wouldn't take it anymore? Do you really want the relationship to work or is there a reason why you continued acting the way you did, knowing that the relationship would be ended & you wouldn't be the one doing the ending of it?

I am in a 30 year marriage (yes, 30 years) that is finally ending. There are things that were there from the beginning, & I would point them out as problems in the relationship (on both sides). They would end up being ignored, then something else related to the previous problem would come up again. Finally 3 years ago, I was pushed into a depression reaction. Once I recognized what was happening, I finally drew the line. Saying if the changes didn't happen, that was going to be the end. Well, I waited a bit, trying to observe any positive movement towards a change. Nothing......I had some horrible issues I went through on my own during that time, otherwise I would have hired the lawyer sooner.

His comment about changing was that he couldn't change & that it is just him & that I would just have to accept it. He is always saying that it is just the way he is.....but the part about the not being able to change is BS. I know that if one wants to make a change in themselves they can. It is not a matter of can't, but a matter of won't.

If you really, truely, more than anything, want something, the change can be made.....if you really don't care that much, then you won't make the change.

Only you can make that determination. It is good to have a forum like this to run your thoughts past & get reactions as a way to formulate in your own mind what you want for yourself. I hope you can come to terms with this relationship for your own future happiness.

Debbie

[broken_again]

First I'd like to thank everyone that has replied to my post. I have taken all that you have said and have given it all a lot of thought.
There is no doubt in my mind that seeking help sooner than later is the best thing for me. Thank god that I will finally be able to speak to a professional tomorrow, and thank god there is a place like Pshych central to have someone elses outside opinion.
I realize now (after the initial blow) after a few days that the best thing to do is to worry about what I need to do to help make the changes in my life that are neccessary before I can try to mend or contact my ex-fiance. It's the old saying, " How can you manage to make someone else happy if you're not happy with yourself." Do I love him?, Yes! Do I love myself right now?, No, and I'm pretty sure that even now, he probably loves me more than I have loved myself.
So, in the next few days the only thing I wish for myself is to take each day as it comes, I don't want to worry about what next week or next month has in store. When I do it only makes it hard for me to breath.
A response though; as to why I pushed it so far; I don't know? I have my own theories. I wanted his unconditional love, AND I HAD IT ALL ALONG, but I didn't realize it.
I only want the best for him, and for me, and for all of us for that matter!
I hope that sunlight pops through the clouds today!

[LMo]

Glad to hear that you're planning to take care of yourself, Broken. You sound better than you did the other day. I felt really bad for you. About 6 years ago, my ex-husband pulled the rug out from under me and informed me that he was filing for divorce. No warning - we had never really fought much. I hadn't seen it coming. I know how powerless and vulerable it feels.

I do want to say something, and I hope it isn't just me being jaded. I don't believe that two adults can develop 'unconditional love' for each other. A parent and child, yes, but 2 adults? There are always conditions -- maybe they are extreme and unlikely to come up, but conditions always exist and the chance of TWO people not having any conditions, finding each other, is even slimmer.

I just wanted to put that out there to set expectations. Be careful expecting unconditional love. It's not a fair expectation to put on the other person.

Take care of yourself and ask for support when you need it -- we're here for you,
LMo

LMo.........girl, you got that right! all adults have conditions. wish i had known it sooner.

broken, i'm so glad that you're feeling better. and i'm doubly glad that you're going to work on yourself. xoxo pat

[hillbunnyb]

Just a thought for the pile: unconditional love does not mean accepting abuse.
Oh broken, Owwy, phooey, owwy, huh?
My hypothesis is: we can't treat anybody else any differently than we treat ourselves. Until we do "it" with/for ourselves, we don't even really know what "it" is. We're guessing, projecting, making assumptions, wishin' and hopin'.......etc
For instance, until we learn to love ourselves, we don't kow what love is, really. Until we learn to respect ourselves, we don't know what respect is, really. etc etc
It's like moving from intellectual to organic. ie, a kind of integration with ourselves.
Once we learn to give "it" to ourselves, we can give "it" to others in an aware kinda way.
Hitting somebody to see if they love you is kinda counter productive. I read it as forcing them to make a choice between you and them. I feel like it's unfair to ask somebody to love me more than they love themselves. Talk about "conditional", whew. Know what I mean? Love yourself, broken, love youslef, all yourselves. Especially the parts who act out of desperation for love. They need you first.

[ropes_end]

I wish you the best of luck. I am in a simular situation. I know it's hard. "We" (her and I) are both stubburn, bullheaded people. She will never admit to her problems. Your man is lucky that you are at least opening your eyes and seeing the troubles and "will" do something to fix it.
Good luck to you.

[ropes_end]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"I do want to say something, and I hope it isn't just me being jaded. I don't believe that two adults can develop 'unconditional love' for each other. A parent and child, yes, but 2 adults? There are always conditions -- maybe they are extreme and unlikely to come up, but conditions always exist and the chance of TWO people not having any conditions, finding each other, is even slimmer."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I completely agree. But some poeple feel the need to "push" that on others. I get tired of hearing "you must love me unconditionally". That's impossible.

[ropes_end]

That's great advice LMo

[LMo]

Thanks Ropes -- and welcome!