Giving my friend all my money and obsessed with him

I am obsessed with a male friend (platonic) who I have kown for four years. Over this period of time, I have given him around £20,000 oover a four year period, using my savings, credit cards (and now in debt for £14,000). The money has been used to help and support him financially with his business, as well as gifts. I helped him buy a couple of vehicles. Hehas a partner (not married) but live together and a young daughter (7 years) , his partner has 2 childen, 15 & 18 and have been with her for about 15 years. He did leave her briefly but went back. Previouly said he hated her guts, and only stays for his daughter as he wants to see her, then about 3 months ago everything has got better. I have willingingly given him all this money and he has given a small bit back but nothing worth mentioning. I have done this because I am obsessed/infactuated with him and would do anything for him. I have anxiety attacks when he doesn;t text me, call me of meet up with me. We usually on average meet once or twice a week for a coffee. I can;t break this cycle and have thought about ending it all, just to give myself peace of mind. I have been married over 20 years and my husband knows of my friendship, but not the debt I am in. I previously had therapy but that didn;t break the cycle. \I don;t expect him to leave his current home life or daughter, I have my own personal issues at home with my parents. I could go on and on, with lots of details but the thread would be pages and pages.

Are you rich?

Absolutely not . I used all my savings, now can;t afford to do the things I used to do like go on holiday and buy things without thinking. He hasn;t swandered the money I don;t think, I have seen the purchases of the money I gave him.

Did you give him the money as a gift or as a loan?

I think you need to get help from a therapist for this. I feel this friend is taking advantage of you. Never give money to friends or family unless you have a signed legal contract and even then it can be tricky getting it back. Are you hoping for it to be more than platonic and are you hoping he'll leave his partner?

margaretrose,

I agree with lynn P. You are in a very slippery spot.

It would be best to get professional help to work through the obsession and devotion to helping out this man. While the relationship isn't sexual now, it sounds as though part of you is stuck living in a fantasy. Hoping that someday your wish might come true.

I'm no angel either, believe me. I just have a lot of experience living in fantasyland too. Fantasy is always better than non-fiction! Gentle hugs to you ~ I wish you the best.

im sorry to say this but you are being used, hes bleeding you dry of cash. sounds like you are hooked on him, and he knows it.hes taking advantage. next time he needs money tell him no.

Hi Lynn, reallly appreciate your reply, I'm not really expecting the money back, I have read loads of stuff about the pitfalls of lending money to friends, it wasn;t a gift I did expect the money back eventually, but it never has really transpired that way. I even paid for him and his daughter to go to Disneyland Paris back in February, but he hasn;t even given me the money for that either. Its gone way past getting the money back stage, but when he asks or I know he needs money I offer it and he takes it. No, I certainly am not hoping it to be more than platonic, I;ve known him four years now and at the beginning I was very attracted to him, and still like the physical look of him, but I;m a prude and really do just see him as a friend. I would probably run a mile if he even tried to kiss me, which I certainly don't think he would ever, it really is a strange relationship. Tracey

Hi Shez, you seem really kind, and thanks for your kind words, as I said to Lynn, I am a prude, I would not want it to turn into a sexual relationship, I don;t see him that way and I certainly don't think he sees me that way either, his, 48 and I am 47, so we are not young spring chickens, he has been married before which lasted about 7 years and then they divorced because his wife didn;t want kids and then he got involved with his current partner and had a daughter with her, he lives for his daughter and would no ever leave his partner because of his daughter which I understand. I just cant see a way out, apart from contininuing to give him money, help and support him, get in debt I cannot pay. Given his daughters only 7 he has at least another 10 years of staying with his current partner. Tracey

Hi there, I do think I am a means to an end, and have said this to him, but he says he recognises all the help I give him, especially financial help, he knows he owes me lots of money, but will never ever be able to repay me back, its a lost cause. But I can;t seem to say no to lending him money, I feel I need to give money to him at any cost.

Margaretrose,

I've kind of been where you're at. I lost a job over my involvement with a man I was crazy infatuated with. What that cost me financially was easily as much as you've been taken for. All I can say is that I do understand how extemely difficult it is to extricate yourself from this involvement. In my case, I imagined the man cared for me. Even though I knew I was being played, I believed he did care. He possibly did to some extent. I ended up finding out that he cared very little for my welfare. He was attracted to me and I was flattered by that. And I was obsessed. I was nutty infatuated with him. He had tremendous charisma. But he did not care about my welfare. He said he did, and I believe he believed that he did. But in the end, he didn't care.

Now it's over. I thought I would never get over him. But I DID! I hardly think of him anymore.

If you're like me, he will have to really hurt you in order for you to get out of this. And eventually HE WILL, as he already has. Nothing family, friends or my therapist said helped me. People told me the same thing that Protector is telling you above, which is the basic full truth of what is going on. I didn't listen.

You will eventually get out of this - when he sees you have nothing left to give him. Even though I did get out, my life will always be affected by what that relationship cost me. That's the real kicker. It's is not the kind of experience that you can someday say "Well I learned from my mistake, and so maybe it was good that it happened." You will never regain a lot of what you will lose to this man. That is a bitter pill to swallow, and I swallow it every day.

I'm so sorry you're stuck in this pattern. I also went through a phase of giving money away, after my husband died I got through his pension so quickly... I didn't want the money. I gave it to charity, spent it on worthy projects... ended up in a lot of debt, which I'm still struggling to overcome. Thought I'd sorted it earlier this year, but the official receiver jumped on me bigtime. So now I'm looking into bankrupcy.

What I mean is that all of us at some time do things we know are foolish, and at the time it doesn't feel like we'll ever be able to stop. I do not believe this man is your friend, he is a manipulator, who is treating you appallingly. The fact that you have got into such horrendous debt and are still keeping it from your husband is a horrible twist. Your husband will find out, and then what?

This man seems to me to be a very very bad man indeed. He knowingly manipulates someone he knows to be in a vulnerable mental state, he knowingly encourages a wife to act behind her husband's back, he knowingly empoverishes you every time he sticks his hand out. I pity his daughter, I really do. Nothing you can do will mend this, nothing you can give will fill his emptiness.

But please don't feel you have to end it. This man is not worth your life. Write a letter, share it here if you need to, trying to explain what has happened to your husband. You will need support, I would speak to your therapist about it. If you're suicidal then it might even be an idea for you to be in hospital for a little while, during which time your husband can be apprised of the situation. Personally I would take out an injunction against this thief, given that he's driving you to a mental breakdown, and bleeding you every chance he can get.

I'm so angry on your behalf, I wish I could be there to help you.

As Rose says you CAN get out of this horrible pit, and you will. I hit rock bottom with my spending, but I'm still here. Just because a thing is as it is now, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Please just know that you belong to YOU. Not him. You owe him nothing. You can't buy his affection, he can't be permitted to drain you dry.

Let us know what happens, anything... I just want to hear from you that you're okay.

Rose, I can;t believe what you've said does sound like me and my situation. I can't imagine what that final straw will be that breaks me, I had a car accident because I was on the phone to him and nearly run someone over, and also got a speeding fine in a rush to meet up with him as I knew he didn;t have much time to meet up with me, if that isn't really bad I'm not sure what is. I also bought a car off him which I then was selling on and when I was taking the potential buyer for a test drive the car caught fire and if I and the buyer hadn;t got out in time we would have potentially been killed, the fire brigade had to be called to put the fire out that had engulfed the car, when I rang and couldnt get through to him I left a message he didnt get back to me until the next day as he had been out on a day trip with his daughter and really didnt even seemed bothered about the possibility of the horrendous scenario, my mum and sister on the other hand were devastated by the event and when they saw the burnt out car, could not believe I had been so stupid. So you can see I have had some horrendous situations but I still hang in there with him. The money to pay off my debts is coming from an insurance policy which matures in November but it still won;t cover the debt unfortunately.

you have absolutely hit the spot with me regarding not listening to family and when I did go to a couple of therapists (whi but didn;t resolve anything and I am still where I am).

I too like you although not lost my job, have put it in great jeopardy, if he asks me to do something for him, I sometime have told lies to my employer to get out of going to work , taking the day off, finding 101 excuses wherever I can.

I know in my head that this is unhealthy and I have to stop this but my heart wont let me. Margaret x

Hi Mgran, thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate that. I don;t think I;ve hit rock bottom yet (or even though what that is), I have just worked out how to get another credit card so I can help him out further if he needs cash , as I have now maxed out on my other 3 cards, on giving him money in cash, spending on him etc.

I have seen a therapist in the past early last year but it never helped me , sometimes therapists aren;t for everyone. I have just come across the Psychforum and have found posting and replies from the likes of yourself extremely helpful and very supportive, its nice to hear form people who are generally concerned for others.

I know it sounds crazy but I do occassionally think to myself that if I did kill myself then all the craziness would end, but then I have my mum, sister and nephew who I would worry about. They are mainly only family, although I am married, that it not the most conventional it is more like a brother/sister relationship and has been for almost 21 years now. My husband knows of my friendship with this man but not the extent of the financial situation. I have made my bed in that situation and now have to lie in it, I would never expect him to bail me out on that at all.

Maybe I am trying to buy his attention, it isn;t love I crave for, but I do seek his attention, one crazy thing is that when my sister had her son and I only have one sister and therefore only one nephew, I never had children myself, I was always trying to nbe in my nephews life but my sister always put massive boundaries up, I wanted to treat my nephew like my own, I always had to fight to see him. This seems what is happenign with this friend, I have to fight to see him, when he has competing priorities at home with his partner and kid and step kids and daily life. That is why I am always anxious and eager to see him , its like having something you can have or something you have absolutely no control over. I only gave up on tyring to take such an active part in my nephews life when he turned around 16. Maybe I was always trying to buy my nephews attention too. Margaret

Awh, honey, that's so sad. I know how you feel about your nephew, my two nieces are the nearest thing I'll ever have to daughters, and when we're together I feel so much like their Mum. They look so like me it's uncanny. I'd never tell my sister in law though, it would freak her out, and I'd do nothing to jeopradise that relationship.

It sounds like it does give you some affirmation to know that you are not the first person to be where you are at. You won't be the last, either. Furthermore, I believe this kind of thing often happens to the nicest, least deserving victims. Part of what drew my predator's interest to me was that he saw me as a nice person. Predators avoid going after each other. It's too likely to end up in both being harmed. Just like in the animal world.

Here's one thing I did, which helped me a little. I did tell my significant other, a man with whom I was living. We weren't married, but had a longstanding relationship. After 27 years we are still together. Not that it's a good rationale, but I was not getting my needs met in my legitimate relationship. But that's going off the point I want to make. What happened is that my boyfriend was surprisingly understanding. He even said to me, "I think you're in love." He knew me very, very well. In fact, he had been somewhat of a user, himself. (He has matured into a decent man and I am happy with him, now.) But when he said to me that he suspected I was in love, it showed he understood how STUCK I was. He knew, from our past together, that my emotions can drive me to make huge sacrifices and risk a lot.

It truly is the same as an ADDICTION. After telling my boyfriend, I was able to come up with a plan to reduce some of the damage. I did decide to quit my job, which was a good move. Had I not, things would eventually have been found out, and I would have left my job in disgrace. So, thank goodness, I saved myself from that. I still sent him money, but not huge amounts. At the job they did later find out and that badly affected my career. That's where the financial cost really came to me.

Maybe . . . maybe . . . if your husband does love you . . . regardless of how he may have let you down in ways that might have driven you to this bad relationship . . . maybe you might consider telling him how much of a jam you are in emotionally. My boyfriend ended up feeling sorry for me and wanting to help me. So, at least I had some emotional support. If a man loves you, it can be amazing what he'll forgive. Then, again, I had forgiven a lot that my boyfriend had done.

It's just a thought. It might not be right for you. I was so glad after I told my boyfriend.

The thing that tends to end these bad relationships is when the creep tells you that he has stronger feelings for someone else, and so he needs you to leave him alone. (Of course, he'll wait till he's got a bigger sucker lined up to bleed. Then he'll have less time for you.)

The last thing I want to tell you is this. If you dump this relationship, you will miss him terribly for quite a while. Then one day you'll realize you no longer give a dang about him, and you'll wonder why you ever did. There is no logic to it, but that's what happens. After maybe a year, you"ll see how effectively time can take away the addiction.

mgran, thank you for your advice and thoughts, i really appreciate it, as there is someone on this forum who is being not so understanding, I don;t know what I really want or expect all I know is that I am in a big hole and can't get out whatever I do, my heart says one thing and my head says another, my life is like a roller coaster probably all my own doing, I wish I could change and be more laid back and take things as they come I know life is short, but its not that easy. As I say, thanks for taking the time to reply and being supportive. Margaretrose

Hi Rose76, like I said to mgram I really thank you for your reply, I am finding that those who are replying are being kind and caring (apart from someone who is not on this forum), I;m in a fix, cant get out and each day brings its own problems I wish things were different but they aren,t. This could be a cautionary tale for people and I do not want to encourage people to do as I am, it is not a nice place to be believe me. Margaretrose