JHC! I am not getting over anything!

If I eat the cheese that falls off my cracker, does that make me a cannibal?

I don't know what happened to me. The day was going pretty swell. Sun is shining, birds tweeting, feeling strong, reading the forums (thanks guys), dealing with work efficiently, virtually no conflict...

Now my heart is RACING with panic and anticipation and impending dread all at once! (note: feeling description true to life).

For all my bravado of getting over it he called several times today. I pushed, PUSHED. Albeit passively, verbally, whatever ya want to label it. I outright asked WHEN WHY NOW WTF I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. It didn't get me anywhere. Just another whiff of - I'll call if we can meet up later. Ya know what that's for???HUH??? To get me to sit around all night by myself (cuz god forbid I give attention to anyone else) and WAIT WAIT WAIT so that I can get stood up for the billionth time and cry my friggin eyes out. I am PISSED.

SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE GIVE THE LAST DAMN STRAW AND BREAK THIS STUPID CAMEL'S BACK. SMACK ME, SHAKE ME, WAKE ME THE F UP. There has GOT to be another male humanoid on this planet (preferably in this State - but not solely of course) that would light me up like this man does. If there isn't then what? Huh? Can anyone tell me that? Then what?

Find a girlfriend any friend and go out tonight with her/them (work? school?). Don't be sitting at home when/if he calls!

I have no idea what you are talking about but just wanted to say that you have a lovely way with words, "If I eat the cheese that falls off my cracker, does that make me a cannibal?"

Thank you. Hugs

LOL Thanks! Forgot I said that till you pointed it out. I was just telling StrongerMan that I have been told I have a way with words. Not sure if that's good or bad. I'll choose the good.

Have you given any serious thought to why this guy "lights you up?" I think there may be some good insight there.
I liked the cheese question too
Good luck.

Do ANYTHING to keep yourself distracted so that you dont think and wait for him! And well you Will fall in love when some other gorgeous man who'll be capable to 'light you up' will come along, the world doesnt end on just one guy

It is a gouda thing

Delightfully delicious cheese reference StrongMan - great sense of humor! ...you funny man.

soooo I went to out for a while last night. However, I was back too early to keep me outta the trouble zone. He stood me up - as expected without call.

So went online, listened to music and played a game with some other friends that happened to be over. It served as a sufficient, mild distraction. And at least I didn't cry all night.

It's an interesting question about have I ever asked myself why this man lights me up... I actually have many times (hard not to since he's so emotionally abusive) and I DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN CLUE now. Somehow I feel he is just misunderstood and needs extra patience and understanding, but then he'll just s hit all over me repeatedly and purposely so what is the point - to see how much I can take idk.

There was a post where StrongerMan something about narcisists (can't remember exactly sorry I wish I could cuz it made me feel better - so I'll sum it) - that the ppl who love a narcisist beat themselves up and think they are weak or stupid for allowing themselves to be treated so badly but really they are kind ppl that if anything can just be accused of loving too much, loving logically, patiently, understandingly. He said it WAY better and really drove the point home. AH it was a post started by ArianLotus I think.

Over & over again ppl keep saying - You love the idea of the what the relationship "could be" not what it really is. I wish that point would set in and really take root. Right now I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever I say bounces off me and sticks to you.

No clue???

lol

ok a clue, we light each other up when we see one another. He used to spend hours visiting me, with absolutely no desire to leave. We'd talk about EVERYTHING under the sun. My blunt nature on any topic never offended him - if anything he seemed to enjoy it immensely. We'd laugh and play a lot together. He is quiet or hard headed around everyone but alone with me - he would suddenly just blurt out something deeply private and sweet. So shocking to hear from this big, gruff man. When we look at each other I can't look away & all I can see is him, the world gets all fuzzy around him and I can see the love in his soul through his eyes. We'd dream of children and a life together. And HOLY crap!!! when when he kisses me (which is very rarely) there are FIREWORKS, SYMPHONIES, my knees get weak, all thoughts are gone, he takes my breath, & my feet leave the ground.

...and so that's the only clue I've got but for all the, "You're all I ever think about."s to the, "I could just talk to you for hours and never get board."s there's the lies and games that are tearing me apart and breaking me down. My could be - is a has been with no clear end..

This is a tough one, PBJ. I just read all your posts in this thread. You mentioned emotional abuse, then...fireworks and being lit up by the man.
You also mentioned the "N word"...Narcissist. Not able to tell by your description if he is indeed a Narcissist, but he does sound rather emotionally abusive.
I do know about the N...having spent a substantial 3 years recovering from a relationship in which I nearly lost everything materially, and to a greater degree emotionally. Not saying your man's a narcissist. (But if you think he is, then do some serious research...lots of it online.)

But...looking at what you have stated about him: He stood you up. More than once, I'm guessing. You spend an evening trying to be strong, occupy yourself with friends, activities, etc. You still feel bad. This is NOT good. Just try to be strong (I know how cliche this sounds), and make a rule that you will move on. You CAN do this, you know. It may mean spending some time alone, rather than running out to meet a man immediately. In fact, this may be the best course of action for you, to learn to be strong alone!

Thank you for your post. He did not treat me this way in the beginning. In fact he was awesome. Our feelings were mutual & genuine for each other- hence the fireworks. He is now not in a position where he can or is willing to do anything about them and fights them within himself I suppose, but he slips a lot calls, visits, generally plays on a pretty regular basis.

As the years have gone by, his truer nature has been revealed in his moody, irradic, disrepectful, cruel, behavior which he will then blame me for, pretend it never happened, or try "being nice" again, and I so love the nice I forgive the mean - instantly. And yes, stood me up more times than I can even count now. It's like I have some endless tolerance for pain. Idk what makes me accept such ****** treament. Fortunately reaching out like this is starting to make me see more clearly, and allowing me to access my anger instead of swallowing it and choking to death.

I am dong more research on N to help sort out wth is going on. Going down the N check lists he gets about an 85% (maybe more) so far from what I've read. I cannot be sure if he is a N or not. The last T I had said he was unstable. My logical mind trying to be strong and tell my emotional side to shut the hell up, be strong, and MOVE ON. I keep blaming myself ... for what ??? Not being perfect, not running off with him when he suggested it 7 years ago (though I didn't say no - I just had to square up with the House so to say)...

You're so right - it's not good that I should feel so bad about doing other activities or being with family / friends. The be strong cliche is getting old but maybe I'll luck out and the damn thing will finally SINK in! Just like the "could be" statement ppl tell me it's what I dream it could be that keeps me waiting. As it is now I spend most of my time alone - he rarely spends more than an hour with me a few times a months.

Thank you for your support it means a lot & it does help. I'm glad that you got out - it scared me when you said it took 3 years to heal! How are you doing now?

"It's like I have some endless tolerance for pain. Idk what makes me accept such ****** treament."

A perceptive counselor once told me, "Your background makes you predisposed to having a high tolerance for pain." Without knowing about yours, I can say I related totally with the statement you made about that. I do realize now why I was willing to accept bad treatment in relationships, because I had no good, loving role models growing up, and also I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I grew up in an unhappy home where nothing was ever about joy or happiness, nor was there ever any affection toward me. Neither did I ever witness loving interaction between my parents, and as a very young child witnessed lots of fights, including physical. The fighting disappated as I grew toward adolescence, replaced by indifference and mute tolerance between my parents. When I began having relationships with the opposite sex, from teen age onward, I had idealized fantasies about romantic love, but my mindset would interject conflict, even abusive behavior, either on my part, or, to a larger degree, accepting abuse from the male partner. I was most drawn to those who would treat me badly to a traumatic degree.

Realizing this at my late stage in life, I do have some peace, though I am happy alone, and have no desire to reach out to find a partner. Had I realized this earlier, I might have been able to alter my behavior and attraction to the abuse.

You have been in this relationship for a long time...7 years you say. That's a long time to put up with emotional abuse, which is exactly what you've described. The same counselor who pinpointed my predisposition to tolerating pain, called the way I became obsessed with abusive partners an "addiction." Not saying this is the case for you, PBJ, but have you ever thought you might be addicted to the relationship? He stated rightly, I believe, that it can be as addictive as any drug, maybe even moreso.

You asked how I'm doing now, having stated to you how it took me 3 years to recover from a relationship with a narcissist. I am so fine, so content, so well. The key, I believe, is to break the addictive behavior.
First, I had to admit that looking for another man was not going to help me. I no longer desire such a relationship, but, for you, if you still have hopes of such, I believe you will have to seriously extricate yourself from the present relationship, and then do some self-work. This is hard work and though I am not one to recommend therapy, if you find an insightful and compassionate counselor, you may be helped that way. I did so very much reading, journaling, and self-monitoring as I went thru a very real "withdrawal."

I apologize if this all sounds too presumptuous on my part. Just concerned for you and trying to offer insight.

Seeker1950... you beautiful soul. I am sorry for your lifelong pain. There are tears in my eyes as I read your post. I wish I could hug you. You have gained much wisdom and it sounds, freedom, in your healing. I hope you have more love and kindness in your life each and every day.

At their very core my parents are good ppl. They both had very very hard lives and seldom complained. We were extremely poor but it didn't seem to matter. They did, however, fight so viciously with each other that we lived in rarely happy home. Fights were physically violent & verbally attrocious. I watched my strong father beat my tiny mother and listened to my mother swear constantly at my father. Mother's favorite saying to us was, "You little ****ers! I wish you were never born!" A switch was regularly taken to us but that was just how they handled us.

Yet with all of that they always hugged and kissed us goodnight, told us they loved us, never let us out of their sight, ate dinner together every night, and watched the Waltons together.

Even just telling you that, I feel nothing. No pain. Nothing more than acceptance for how it was, forgiveness and pity for them. Pity because to live with such misery and pain that it caused them to hate each other vehemently - they lost themselves and they lost an opportunity (a gift in this life) to really love and nuture each other & their children and be whole and happy. We rejoiced when they divorced.

I do not know what negative impact my background has had on me, the way I choose a mate/form attachments, or if it predisposed me to have a high tolerance for emotional pain. I take responsibility for my life decisions and do not feel the relationship with my parents plays any significant part is how I make those decisions - I could be wrong and cannot make a connection. My ex-H was literally a saint. This other guy is the polar opposite of my ex. So I don't know what to make of it and feel lost.

I recently asked in a PC forum if it is possible to become addicted to a person. I have just ordered a book by Howard Halpern, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person and anxiously await its arrival. I began to wonder if it was an addiction when I realized this "relationship" controls every aspect of my life even I don't want it to.

7 years of my prime down the toilet... ouch. So, I'm here learning from all of you. Grateful for your love and understanding, insight and wisdom. Reaching out for a hand to hold when my light inside starts going dark...thank you.

Today it has been 3 days since I talked to him. The extrication process has begun. I will not call, text, write, or send smoke signals to this toxic man. Each day will be another day closer to my freedom and the love I deserve. Wish me luck.

Never apologize when you are beng forthright and sincere. Your insight is invaluable to me.

Obviously you did have a clue. Sometimes those big ones right in front of us are hard to understand. Good luck

I guess what I mean is... I don't understand why/how I can let this control me & destroy me. I am smarter than that - aren't I? I really don't understand the "why/how." It's just not logical.

If only we could think our way out of our craziness
Try to analyze and understand it later. Right now just walk, no run, away from this guy and save yourself

lol - yeah guess if we could do that we wouldn't be crazy huh lol. I am running, not getting far. He just came in here (public place I'm in), turned around slammed the door and stormed off without a word. Then sneaked out the back - trying to upset me by disrespecting & ignoring me - I made no attempt to engage. Inside however I am a quivering pile of spineless jellyfish goop.

man I hope those books get here soon. I was starting to feel so much better - there was a tiny flicker of hope glinting in the distance. It was exciting. NOW guilt, fear, panic are washing over me in waves.

Upset, feeling HORRIBLE right NOW. Minding my business, doing my thing, breathing back to normal, generally calm, relaxed, then he called. Talked to me for one minute then I started saying something & he hung up on me in mid-sentence. Now I am completely unnerved. Fighting back tears.

If it helps and you are able to see it...the guilt is unfounded. You have done nothing warrant any guilty. I'm playing armchair psychologist here but bear w/ me and think about it carefully. Why do you feel guilty? Might it be something you are conditioned to feel? Do not feel guilty because you couldn't "save" this man. He does not want to be saved. He has no intentions of being saved. You play a role for him. He is angry that he is losing an important member of the cast. He is not hurt because he is losing you.
Your fear may simply be fear of the unknown. The unknown being your reluctance to continue to be used to fulfill his unhealthy needs.
The unknown being your attempt to break your own toxic need to play the role you were playing and in doing what is in your best interests in order to become healthy emotionally.
You saw a tiny flicker of hope? Keep looking. There is a bright, powerful ray of hope that you missed. Open your eyes to it. It's there. Your life is yours. Stand by your decision. It was a good one. It is the only one that leads to health and peace of mind. The process of change won't be easy and it won't be quick. Be patient.
I wish you the best.

edit: I wish my mind were clearer. I'm so sorry. I could written that so much better I hope it's coherent enough to be helpful in getting you through this.

Written with precision and accuracy. You are indeed an angel, thank you for the clarity. I felt guilty for speaking up (politely though passionately) and because he acted angry at me before when he stormed off - so you are right it's unfounded. Saving him... interesting thought... and you're right can't be done but I didn't realize I wanted to save him. There is this huge soft spot for him, an empathy that wants to take away all the pain he has suffered...

Fear of the unknown very possibly. You would laugh to know just HOW strong I felt before he came & called. I will try to be more patient with myself in this change and not blame myself constantly anymore.

Your clarity is saving my sanity. Never hold back; truth is what's important and will lead all of us out of this fog that takes over sometimes. Hearing it from someone else is like a slap int the face & it's often what it takes.

You are too kind. I hope that it did help somewhat and that someone w/ more insight comes along and speaks up. I think the end of any meaningful relationship is tough but one as complex as this requires a lot of patience to sort through. And strength. You have both so I know you can do this.

PBJandPickles - a unique name. Do you really eat this funny combination? As I read your post I see myself - we're both stuck with crappy partners except I'm way more stuck than you. Get away from this man and don't delay. Its great you didn't let on he was trying to bother you in post #19.

When I was 17 there were clear red flags but I was too blind to see them - naive and shy. Thinking back now, I wish a family member would have literally picked me up and sent me to a far off country to get away from my then BF(now my husband). Sure I would have protested and kicked and screamed but it would have saved me a ton of grief.

My only solace is I have my girls and guess I never would have had them. But for any woman who has these red flags hitting them in the face....please pay close attention. Learn from other women who've been there and have the scars and soul bruises to prove it. You deserve better and its even better to be alone than have a rotten partner.