Relationship break

Hi guys,

So a quick background, we have been in a relationship for about 5 months. I am 24 and she is 21.

I have been in other relationships before but I have never been in love with the other girls in the past. I love my girlfriend to death and she means the world to me. Her being my first true love, I think I became over protective and made a few bad moves that have started a fight between us. I need some advice please.

Essentially, I did three things which started this. 1) She had told me she was still friends with her ex and they talk over the phone from time to time. I didn't mind that but after a few weeks, I saw that his name of the phone kept changing. So I discussed it with my gf and since then there is a feeling in her heart that I don't trust her. Which is not the case, rather I just needed an answer. Her answer made perfect sense and we moved on. 2) I am not a fan of smoking. So I when we started dating, she promised she would stop smoking. About 2 months later, she started smoking again and I asked her she had promised not to smoke. This started an endless argument as I would like her to stop eventually. She told me when I tell her I can't do something, she feels less independent. Maybe it was the way I told her not to smoke or something, but she has been really mad at me since then. 3) She is currently traveling so I cam here to see her as a surprise. She originally had asked me to come but I told her I couldn't come. So when I decided to surprise her, it came out totally wrong and she thought I was stepping on her space. Later that day, my buddies ended up making me drink some strange drink and I ended up getting really drunk. I was rude to her friends and then she sent me to my room.

The next day, she said she didn't want to see me and needed space. After about 7 days, I sent her a text message stating that I need to explain my side of the story. So we had coffee and I explained it all and I apologized for my stupid behaviour. She forgave me but said she doesn't want a relationship for now and doesn't want to discuss anything until we are back home. This trip ends in 5 days. I am not allowed to be in contact with her, rather she is going to be in contact with me when we are back home.

I really love this girl but I have made some stupid mistakes. Can you please give some advice as to how I can fix this. I am really sorry and I know her and I are meant to be together. We had the most amazing 3 months, everything just started when she left for her trip.


Thanks.

Hi, agusta, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

You cannot "fix" how she feels or what she wants; she has her own view of the relationship and what she wants. At the moment she does not want to have anything to do with you. If I were you, I would go home now, work on getting yourself and your own life in order.

Your buddies cannot "make" you drink a "strange" drink, and/or they don't sound like the kind of buddies I would like to have; you need to start taking responsibility for your actions and quit worrying so much about your girlfriend and her actions; they are her problem. If you do not want to be around someone who smokes, you have to tell her that and then go your own way and/or you have to decide you want to be with her more than you feel bad about the smoking; but you cannot run her life, only your own. You get to choose your own actions only, not someone else's.

Making "promises" about your behavior in the future when you do not appear to be in control of your actions in the present or to know yourself very well, and keep making similar mistakes will only get you in trouble in the future when your, "I'm sorry" does not pan out. Better to make no promises, apologize once (you did) and then act responsibly, think about how you wish to behave before acting instead of behaving and then apologizing.

Like I said, I would go home and work on figuring out my life and how I wanted to proceed, what work I wanted to do and where my life was headed as a whole rather than just sit around for five days waiting on someone else. With or without this woman in your life you have to live your own life.

I agree with everything Perna said. Your buddies didn't make you do anything. That one you have to own up to and realize that you made your own decisions.

About the smoking thing...I have been a non-smoker for 6 months now. This is at least the 3rd time I have quit. The first time it was for 1.5 yrs but it was bc my bf at the time had pressured me into it. I quit out of guilt and ended up resenting him for it. If you don't like a smoker, then don't go out with her or get over it. Forcing her to quit will only hurt you in the end (which you have already seen).

I'm glad that there are boundaries for now and that you are following them (presumably). More over, you need to do some exploring of yourself. What is it that makes you hate smoking? Is it the smell? Is it a moral thing? Maybe if you understand WHY it bother you so much, you can deal with the controlling aspect of it. It is hard and I used to do the same thing - I really despised pot smokers and used to try to make my bfs quit. That always blew up in my face. Now I'm okay with it.

I really hope you can figure something out. I get that you are confused and probably overwhelmed right now. It doesn't do any good to beat yourself up over mistakes unless you learn from them. This sounds like a really good opportunity to do some good introspection and self learning. I hope you two work out but, if not, like Perna said, you need to be okay with your own decisions. GL.

I agree with you guys and I did apologize to her about everything and she did forgive me for them.

I have done a lot of self-exploring about the smoking issue and it came that it was just a mental block that I have had. I am over the smoking issue and when we had coffee the last time, I told her that I fell in love with her independent side and I don't want to tell her what she can and can't do. I made some mistakes but I apologized about them.

I don't know what she means by "I don't want a relationship right now" and I don't want to discuss anything until we are back. She has told me she wants to enjoy her last week here and doesn't want to stress herself out. I asked her if she wants to be with me and her response was that she doesn't know and doesn't want to think about it just yet. Rather she wants to have a proper discussion when we are back home.

She honestly means the world to me and I haven't been able to stop crying for the past week or so. I miss her like crazy as we just to talk and text to each other non-stop through out the day and night.

The mistakes I have made, I have learned and grown from them. How can I make her realize that I truly would like to be with her and I want to fix the mistakes I have made via actions. I can talk and say things but real results come from actions.

Any advice on that?

Thanks

I don't think this relationship is very serious, given it's only been 5 months. It's possible that things moved very fast for both of you and you may have become attached to feeling very strongly for this person so soon. This in essence is an addiction. On her end, I don't see that she cares very much about how you feel, especially about her. You cannot change someone, especially their behavior. And with both of you being addicts in essence this relationship already has displayed numerous red flags that neither one of you are the right people for each other. You may have an affinity for this individual but if she can't respect your wishes, your personality and take your feelings into consideration (ie about the smoking), I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. Besides, it doesn't appear like you are losing anyway. She seems totally disrespectful of what you desire and why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? You need to enjoy the space she's given you and evaluate where you stand with each other. Forget about who is to blame and who caused the fights. A relationship is about mutual respect or lack thereof. She doesn't respect you, and she is probably pushing you away so she doesn't feel guilty about potentially hooking back up with her ex.

I learned that some men (women also) do this: if they are in a relationship and they talk to a person (could be an ex or someone new, and is really likely to be anyone) they will push their partner away during the time they are considering cheating or during times where they are likely to cheat, to minimize any negative emotions that would be as a result of their cheating (they don't want to feel guilty for straying).

So it sounds like you need to take a few days to get your mind clear and be ok with the break up. Easier said than done, but in the long run you'll see you may be happier without her than with her.

I agree with the others.

But I add. You really need to look at this relationship honestly. You state... "We had the most amazing 3 months, everything just started when she left for her trip." Yet there has been questions about her talking to other men behind your back triggering trust issues and there has been multiple issues about her smoking which bring into play respect and control issues. These unhealthy dynamics came into play long before the trip.

Your wording is what bothers me. You asked how can you make her realize you have changed? You can't make her do/see/realize anything. Like you said, actions are what shows change. However, it's really easy to change for a week. She might not want to stick around long enough to see if the change is real. And again, there isn't anything you can do about that.

PityPatyof1 - I don't know where you came up with anything about cheating or whatever? How is wanting space disrespectful? If he cares about her then yes, he feels like he is losing something.

I understand. But when we had our last discussion over a coffee a few days ago. I asked her if I should ship her stuff to her and she smiled and said "don't be so worried about it", which I have no clue what it means. If she was truly done with me, would she not want me to send her stuff back without having any contact with me? During that meeting, she also said that she wants to have a proper discussion with me when we are back home. What ever that means once again. We didn't really discuss why she didn't want to be in a relationship right now, as she said she just wants to enjoy her last week here. We only have 3 more days here and then we will be back home.

Is there a hidden meaning behind these or should I just take them at face value? I want to show her what I mean by actions and I need her to give me a chance to show her this. We honestly have so much in common that it feels amazing being with her. Minus the last few mistakes that we have made, everything is amazing.

Should I just give her the space and wait for her to contact me so we can have this proper discussion?

Thanks.

This girl is not that interested in you. She might like you the most at the moment, but as soon as a better offer comes around, she is going to leave. Why else would she be maintaining a relationship with a prior boyfriend? This happens all the time. She is changing the name on the phone because she wants to hide this from you, but she cannot bring herself to tell him that she loves someone else and wants to have an exclusive relationship. She does not like you enough to do this.
I personally will never date a smoker again. When you get into a relationship, you need to look at the person and all of their flaws, then ask yourself can I live with these flaws? If you cannot, you need to move on and keep looking. Smoking, drinking child rearing and money can be deal breakers in a relationship. I believe that other things can be negotiated.
You need to be careful about how you surprise women. If your surprises seem like an invasion or scary in any conceivable way, you will turn them off forever. They will simply write you off as desperate, clingy, untrusting, creepy….you get the idea.
Good luck with this one, it seems like their might already be too much sewage under the bridge.

Well she stopped talking to her ex when we had a talk, which was a few months ago and she actually wasn't changing the name on the phone, rather it was a caller-id feature, which I looked into and its actually real HAHA. So she said she won't talk to him and stuff.

I think its more about her smoking and I want the best for her and she should stop smoking. But every time I say something, she says I am taking her independence away by telling her not to do it. She has made that a big deal. I mean I want her to be healthy for herself and for us. I don't see a reason why someone would just make it a big deal. Maybe I should play nice guy and ask her to stop in a different way?

I just don't get it. Maybe you guys are right, maybe we just aren't meant to be and I need to slowly start letting go. I haven't contacted her and I won't be anytime soon. Rather I'm gonna let her contact me. If we are able to patch things and give it one more shot, should I lay down how we should communicate with each other or what? Cause when we started dating, I told her that I am not into people that smoke and at that time she promised me she will quit and she did for about 2 months. She broke the promise and started smoking again during this trip. She didn't tell me she wanted to smoke, rather she did it and told me after. What do you guys think I should do or react?


Thanks

As a smoker, here's my two cents, whatever it's worth:

My husband, when we started dating, hated that I smoked. But I wasn't naive enough to promise him that I would stop. That's just not realistic! It's not my conviction to quit, it's his. You never know, she could have just quit smoking around you. If it's not her decision, then what's stopping her from smoking behind your back? You can't make anyone change themselves without their consent, and point blank, she's not giving her consent. And it is rightfully her decision, not yours. I see her point in seeking independence.

I really think the best thing for you is to focus on yourself and leave that situation alone...if you don't like something (smoking/talking to ex and ect) then you should not deal with someone with the thing that you don't like. I really think the ex and you showing up on the trip was a issue before you started to drink...Also never drink anything you don't know what it is...you should really check your friends...why would they want to make a butt out of you especially if they know you care for this woman. If you are talking with a woman and they are still in the past why would you want to be their future? You know...