[LiteraryLark]

I'm developing a crush on this guy, and he's developing a crush on me. I'm 19, he's 25. We're not in love...yet. We haven't talked about "OUR" feelings, but we both want to take things slow. I just don't know how slow. He pulled me in and hugged me really tight after I came back from the bathroom, he kissed me on the forehead when we were snuggling on the couch watching movies, and then he went in to kiss me when I walked him to his car but I didn't kiss him back. I wanted to wait till Valentine's Day.

He doesn't know it yet, but on Friday I'm going to ask him to be my Valentine since none of us had ever had a Valentine before. I'm a little nervous about having a boyfriend because none of my relationships have lasted more than a month. He's also experienced with sex and I'm nervous because I don't want to rush into sex either, but I really want to have sex. I've made out with plenty of people without being in love, but I'm worried that if I kiss him it wouldn't be meaningful even though I want it to, and I don't want to end up leading him on.

How slow should I go with him? How many dates should I go on before I call him my boyfriend? I just don't want to hurt his feelings if it turns out I don't feel the same way.

[Harley47]

Well, only you can be the one to determine when you call him your boyfriend. That's totally your call.

I would tell you not to be nervous about being (so to speak) this guy if he has more experience than you, but don't let him pressure you, and don't jump into this before you're ready. The experience won't be a problem when that time comes, but you need to be sure that that time is something you both want.

As for how slow, personally if it were me (I'm not a woman, mind you, though I am about your age), I would want to be well in love with the person before I even considered a sexual aspect to the relationship, but to be fair, I am very "old fashioned" in regards to these things, and I can only offer my opinion on it. I would just tell you that if/when you decide to be with this guy, be sure you're comfortable with it, be sure it's not under a sense of "duty" to him or as a means to give him what you think he wants, and be sure it's safe.

I do hope others can offer their perspective on things, and I hope I was of some help. Good luck to you.

[Leed]

Hi ~ First, I want to applaud you for your high morals. Seems like nowadays, everyone jumps into bed even on the first date!

I agree with Harley. Even a kiss should mean something -- I don't think they should be given out to everyone. Make sure of your feelings before you kiss him. Like you said, you don't want to lead him on.

As far as sex goes, it's MY feeling that sex should go along with love, but I'm very old-fashioned too. I don't like casual sex. I think it gives the wrong message and I also think it damages your reputation. There are also a LOT of risks in having casual sex -- such as STD's, pregnancy, etc. So make SURE you can talk to this person BEFORE having sex to make sure he's been tested for HIV, that he will use a condom, etc. You must be responsible. No, it's not very romantic to have this discussion, but it's very important and necessary. Take things slow and be sure of your feelings -- and proceed from there. You don't want to regret it later.

Best of luck and God bless. I wish you the very best. Hugs, Lee

[lido78]

I completely appreciate what the two other posters have written and want to add that being in love is probably the best way to ensure that a sexual experience is the most meaningful that it can be. But, there are different points of view on the subject, and I would also have to say that you should, at the very least, be able to trust this man enough to be able to speak openly about sex and any insecurities/fears that you have. If you feel uncomfortable speaking openly with him, then maybe you're not ready.

With my first serious boyfriend, I was also 19, and he was 22. I was able to have a conversation with him about sex and let him know that I was a bit nervous and concerned with STDs and pregnancy. By the time that we ended up having sex, several months later, we had already said "I love you" and I was not nervous at all. We dated off and on for over four years and are still friends to this day.

Even if you are on birth control such as the pill, always use condoms...And, to make sure there are no assumptions about things, make sure you have "the talk." If you want to only have sex while in a monogomous, comitted relationship, don't assume anything...I believe you must ask about this and be clear as to what you want. If you don't feel comforable having this talk, again, then maybe you're not ready.

Good luck and enjoy the ROMANCE! Romance and sex are very different things...but, when you add together romance, sex and love...wow, it can be amazing. :-)

[lynn P.]

Since you say you're not in love yet, I think you should still take it slow. There's no rush and you both can agree to this, so there's no pressure. If I were you I wouldn't make the move on Valentines Day - this is too much pressure to go all out and have sex.

I agree with shezbut's great advice - discuss your feelings on how you need to be feeling love and how you're a little nervous. Since he's experienced, then STD's are possible so condoms and birth control should be used. This means if you're not on birth control, then you need to do this first. You sound like you have great morals and your smart. Good luck.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Harley47

I would want to be well in love with the person before I even considered a sexual aspect to the relationship, but to be fair, I am very "old fashioned" in regards to these things, and I can only offer my opinion on it. I would just tell you that if/when you decide to be with this guy, be sure you're comfortable with it, be sure it's not under a sense of "duty" to him or as a means to give him what you think he wants, and be sure it's safe.

I do hope others can offer their perspective on things, and I hope I was of some help. Good luck to you.

Thanks! I am very old fashion. I am also a virgin and sometimes I wonder if I am going too slow. Even my best friend has swiped her v-card and I always thought that I would do it first. I thought that I would lose it to one of my best guy friends, but by the time we were seriously considering it, I fell out of love . =/ I just don't know when I'm going to find the right person, or how I'm going to know when it feels right.

[Harley47]

There's no rush to lose it. To me, it seems society makes such a big fuss about "swiping the v-card" (going to have to borrow that line for day to day conversations. Thanks ) that it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on people our age to swipe it at the first possible...er, ATM, shall we say, to keep with the analogy. But that's not at all how it should work. Besides being a dangerous way to lose it, sex, especially the first time (at least in my opinion) should be something very special and treasured.

So, if I were you, follow the advice given, especially Lido's and Lynn's. Take things slow, and talk it out with this guy. Just make sure you're comfortable with this and that this is something you both want to do.

[needfixing]

wow it's refreshing to hear a young adult take things slow ;o) it shows you have respect for yourself, and your self esteem is very high.
i agree with the others, communicate with him to make sure your on the same page.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Leed

There are also a LOT of risks in having casual sex -- such as STD's, pregnancy, etc. So make SURE you can talk to this person BEFORE having sex to make sure he's been tested for HIV, that he will use a condom, etc. You must be responsible. No, it's not very romantic to have this discussion, but it's very important and necessary.

Thanks We are both very open about our sexual experiences. I would like to ask him to get tested--I'm not positive how he'll react, but I'm sure he'll do it--how would i go about asking?

Also, my friend said that using condoms hurt because it dries out and causes friction. My best friend also said that her boyfriend can't "feel it" when he uses a condom. I have about a gazillion generic condoms, would using some brand Ultra Ultra Ultra Ultra thin-and-loobey condom be better? You would think that they would all work fine. I'm on bc for other reasons, but I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to think that we don't need condoms. Does he have a right to know? Should I tell him anyway?

[lido78]

1. I think you should wait to ask him to get tested when/if you end up having the talk about monogomy. Ideally though, you should get tested and then tested again in six months. If you wait this long, I definitely think you'll both be on the same page and you won't really need to worry about his reaction. From what you've written above about yourself, I'm pretty sure that he knows that this comes from a good place and you're not suggesting that he has any problems.

2. You can buy condoms that use a spermicidal lubricant, which helps with the dryness and adds another level of protection against pregnancy (but not STDs). You can also buy other lubricants at local drug stores or online. As for whether or not the guy can feel it, I'd say in all honesty that it probably does hinder feeling a bit (maybe for the girl as well as the guy) but that this doesn't matter. Use them anyway. If he throws this up as a road block to using them, then I'd say that the guy is a shmuck and to move along...The only time to NOT use a condom is if you want to get pregnant and if you don't mind getting an STD (or you trust your partner completely)...remember, even if you're having your period, you can still get pregnant.

3. I don't think he has a RIGHT to know whether or not you're on birth control. But, I think that you'll want to tell him when the time is right to have sex. I sure wouldn't lie to him about it or anything like that...

4. If he is truly a good guy, he'll want you to feel safe, secure and completely loved for your first time. If you ask him to get tested or tell him that you want him to use a condom even though you're on birth control, then his reaction should be "of couse, I completely agree." Anything less than that and I'd wait for someone who does give you that response.

Just my four cents. :-) By the way, there is no "too slow" when it comes to sex....I've never heard anyone say that they regretted waiting.

[Harley47]

Read Lido's 4th point, and take it to heart. Don't falter from it a bit, for anybody.

Now...for condoms, I can only offer very limited (read: mostly offhand accounts) experience with them, but if it helps, I'll provide what I know. They can be a little on the dry side, but they make lubricated varieties, and of course lubrication (such as KY) is available. It would also help that he not rush things. He should take things slowly, and make sure you are well aroused before attempting any sort of..well, you know.

For him, it does cause a slight loss of sensation, but it's not anything drastic. It's almost like if you put your hand in a latex glove and tested the sensation of rubbing a finger (though the glove is a good deal thicker, so not nearly as much). You can still feel it, it just feels slightly muffled, so to speak. It should not be enough to dampen his enjoyment, so don't worry about that. And for safety in this matter, even if it did, it's worth it.

As far as brands, there's about as much variety in condoms as there are in snowflakes. It can get a little ridiculous. Personally, I have been recommended by a close friend Durex Extra Sensitive (not that I'm particularly in the market for those at this point in my life, but hey. Never a bad time for a sales pitch, I guess?). He swears by them, and I trust his judgment. Although if I were you, I'd simply ask your boyfriend. If he has experience, he probably has his own preference in protection.

At any rate, I'm proud of you for being safe and smart about this (lol though you're my elder by a year, so that feels a little odd to say, but still :P). I wish you all the best.

[lido78]

Kudos to DrSkipper and Harley...can't believe you are 19 and 18, respectively. Makes me a bit more hopeful about some of the younger generation out there...

[LiteraryLark]

Harley: Thanks! I actually do have lubricated Durex. Wee!
Lido: D'awww, there are plenty of smart teens out there. However, it's the bad parenting that scares me.

[Harley47]

Lido: lol Thank you! I agree, even as a member of my generation, we can be a scary little bunch at times. But we've some gems among us too. I've known my fair share of both.

Skipper: Well then, it sounds like you're good to go, at least in that part. Just remember, don't rush into things, don't be rushed, and make sure you are 100% comfortable before you do anything.

[Open Eyes]

Well, you do have some really good advice here. But I think I am going to add my mothers wise advice. She told me, "Open Eyes, the one thing that you have to know is that BOYS/MEN will tell you all kinds of wonderful things to get you to have sex, even that they are madly in love with you DON'T BELIEVE THEM". She also told me "If a man really loves you, he will repect you and wont pressure you to have sex. If you say no and they don't come back? it definitely isn't love".

I said no many times and I began to realize how very right my mother was. The ones that I said no to were just trolling for a good time and would have only hurt me. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I don't think that having sex with a guy at your age should be about swiping the v-card at all. The v-card you possess has a lot of credit and no debt. Make sure when you decide to use it, it is not wasted.

If this guy is going to be worth being called your boy friend, first and foremost he should at the very least RESPECT YOU. To be honest, for me, it was never the choice of that guy at all, it was MY choice. If a guy loves you, he will respect that.

Open Eyes

[Confusedinomicon]

Open Eyes is right. My boyfriend and I haven't done any v. sex and we've been waiting for 4 1/2 years now.

It may not be as 'fulfilling' but there are ways around waiting. And remember everything should be consent, especially if you are trying something new. We usually have a short discussion about whatever it is to make sure both of us are okay with whatever act is going to be performed.

[lynn P.]

I agree with shezbut's great advice

Quoting myself here: I just realized I made a mistake with a posters name - lido78 and shezbut have the same avatar so I assumed it was her. Anyways good advice from lido and all the women here.

If I had it to do over again I would have waited until my 20's even, because I was so naive. I agree if a guy is nice, he'll respect if you're not ready. Open Eyes is correct - most men will tell you what you want to hear because they want sex for different reasons than we do. If I were to be in the market, I would wait a year, to see if I still like the guy - I don't expect everyone to do that.

[LiteraryLark]

4 1/2 years is way too long for me... And for me, oral and (really, I can't say the "a-word"?) b-u-t-t sex counts as losing my virginity, so that makes it even much more scarier for me because I want my first time to be via intercourse, but at the same time what happens if I fall in love with a girl first? (I'm bisexual). I'm very black and white and old-fashioned about this and I think it's ridiculous, especially since that once my virginity is gone there's nothing holding me back. I'm a little worried about what's going to happen once I get to "the other side". I'm not sure how I will feel, what will stop me from making bad decisions. I just want to get it over with so I can go out and have fun without my cherry holding me back. There is at least two beautiful people I turned down that I wish I hadn't. If I wasn't a virgin, I would have had sex with them. Now I'm wondering is it worth the wait?

[Harley47]

Skipper, try not to worry. From what you've posted, I'd consider you of a relatively high moral position. I wouldn't worry that once your virginity is gone you'd instantly embark on a wild string of random sexual escapades. That doesn't really seem to fit you, at least from what I know of you. Your morals are what stop you from making bad decisions, not a little membrane-esque thing.

I would tell you though to not have sex simply to do it and "get it out of the way." That's not how you're going to want to do this, and I can promise you, if that's your motivation for your first time, that's setting yourself up with less than you deserve, and likely a degree of future regret. You deserve your first time to be special, not just something to get out of the way, you know?

I would tell you it's well worth the wait. I know it sucks, believe me. I'm holding on to my "v-card" as well, to be honest, and I know what the pressure can be like. But when that time comes, I don't think you'll regret the wait.

Furthermore, though I'm a male and not bisexual (thus I advise you take this as it relates to you, so perhaps with a grain of salt), I don't think it really matters if your first time was with a girl. It's not the...well, the hymen, that dictates virginity (arguably...some cultures see that differently, as well as some people stateside). It's the moment you share with someone that dictates that, at least as I see it.

So please, don't worry about this "other side." I can almost assure you you'll be the same person you were before as after. Just don't rush into this just to do it.

[LiteraryLark]

I couldn't agree more. Thanks

[Harley47]

Anytime Doc.

I hope things work out for you. Just keep in mind all the advice said here, and you'll do just fine, I'm sure.