[Kokoa]

I am in a same sex relationship. My first to be exact, and for some reason, the emotions that come with this relationship are amplified so much that i get turned off.. constantly, and tired.. literally. I just want to sleep when this stuff happens.

But the big thing that is bubbling acid in my throat is apologizing.
My girlfriend and I had a big bust up a month ago. feelings were hurt on both sides, but what came out of it is that I had been verbally abusive to her...for the whole relationship. she said that because i was insecure about myself on many occasions, i would turn it around on her, and make her feel low - thus in turn trying to make myself feel better. I didn't believe this, and we looked up the definition of emotional and verbal abuse and I did see something in which I have done. Absolutely. I took it on and started crying because I never thought in a million years, i would be THAT person, who would do that to someone i care about deeply...it makes me sick to this day that i would do that.

we tried to move past it in a way, and to rebuild our relationship. but one of the things that she said that she wants to help her feel better is for me to apologize everyday like this
"I am sorry that i was verbally abusive to you, and that I made you feel low. you mean the world to me, and I am very sorry. I will make sure that this never happens again because i love and care about you."

Some times she will ask me " How do you feel about verbally abusing me? do you feel low? do you feel like you have done something horrible to me? does it make you feel sick about what you did? are you remorseful etc"
And of course i will say yes, cause its true... but when its coming back like that from her mouth, it doesnt sit right with me.

Some times she will ask me to get down on my knees and apologize. to beg her for her forgiveness...because she is hurting... I will hesitate (because again... something isn't sitting right) and she will get emotional and say I should want to get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness because I say that i love her, and that i should fight for our relationship.

Often times, i will apologize, and then i will forget.. for a couple of days. And then, its on again.
"ive noticed lately you havent addressed the verbal abuse. you havent said you were sorrythats been putting me in a dark place...Im hurting"

Now in no way shape or form do I expect her to get over how she felt, no do i not expect to put in work to repair the relationship. I have striven every single day to be a better partner to her then i was the day before. I have made a lot of changes in both the way i speak to her, my tone of voice, thinking of her etc. but sometimes, when stuff like this come up i just want to run...far away...

Am I in the wrong for feeling some type of way about apologizing every day? even though that's what she says she needs to move forward? I Just feel really disgusted that she puts the blame on me as if by me not apologizing verbally, on my knees sometimes, that i have thrust her into depression... I just don't want to take that... is that wrong of me?

[Confusedinomicon]

IMO It's verbal abuse that she is constantly reminding you of what you've done. I've done a lot of crap to my boyfriend and he's forgiven me with a huge heart. He pushes me in the direction of getting well and has set up boundaries that make the relationship safe for both of us.

Now we have a functioning relationship with a lot of love to give. He knows I feel bad for what I have done, but it doesn't mean I have to do it AGAIN.

Relationships take TWO (or more) to function. It takes communication and patience. If you try to be a better person, but she continues to be vindictive, there will be no healing. Think of it this way. A bridge is broken and only one half of it is fixed. How will you fix the other side if the contractor chooses not to work on their half? For now no one will pass the bridge. Communication becomes more difficult and no one is happy.

[Trippin2.0]

IMO, she's milking this for all its worth, & it doesnt 'sit right' bcoz you lose a little of your dignity every time she coerces you to beg... Its not right, that why it doesnt sit right, but you dont see it, coz you' re riddled with guilt. There's no healing in re-hashing a wrong,daily... Why? bcoz there is no movement forward, and moving forward is key. Who knows why, but your gf is emotionally blackmailing you. I dont blame you for wanting to run, I'd actually follow through...

[tigerlily84]

I agree with the other posters. She's either forgiven you or she hasn't. I think you should tell her how you feel. It's not "sitting right" with you because it isn't right what she's doing. It's not healthy, and she is actually hurting you. Ask her how she would feel if you made HER beg for forgiveness, over and over again the way she has done. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing. But if she keeps on with this behavior, I would rethink whether I'd want to be in this relationship in the first place. You are not perfect, and you will mess up again. And she isn't pefect either. The point is if you learn from the experience. It seems like you have. She needs to learn how to accept an apology and move on. Sorry for the long response, but I wish you the best. Good luck!

[DelphinaBlue]

It sounds to me like she is abusive to you-there are so many verbal and emotional blackmailers out there that continue to abuse their mates and never really seeing what they do-but in what you wrote it shows u had made a real attempt to make up for any wrong doing..spite can be an evil thing and it sounds to me that she is very revengeful to make you stoop down to such mean things. How long are u going to have to pay for it? Forever? She needs to let go and accept your apology and move on from it not continuing to make you pay for the rest of your life.

[Leed]

I agree with everyone -- she's emotionally blackmailing you, and that's ABUSE. She either forgives you or she doesn't. She doesn't keep bringing it up time and time again, and keep humiliating you by making you get down on your knees!!! HOW AWFUL. NO ONE should have to do that!

This girl is NOT the one for you sweetie, cause she' s going to KEEP doing this kind of thing every single time you do something wrong. She's going to rub your nose in it, and keep bringing it up day after day until you BLOW.

This is no relationship. She's trying to be a dictator in my book. She's not forgiving, she humiliates people, and she seems to enjoy it. That's cruel, and I don't like cruel people -- do you? I don't think so. If I were you, I'd say goodbye to this one.

God bless you sweetie. Find someone more like you -- who is kind, sweet, forgiving, and loving. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[layla11]

Hi, theres something very wrong with what she is doing. I can see why it doesn't sit well with you. I would have been gone a long time ago. This can only lead to more trouble and you need to protect yourself.

[krisakira]

It sounds like she is not ready to move on from what happened. In that case, it might be wise to take a break from her, and let her get through this alone. It sounds like being in a relationship with her is just making it worse for you.

[lou123]

I can understand having a hard time getting past something but forcing you to beg forgiveness is abuse. You deserve better than that. Know are are worth being loved and respected. If your partner can't give you love and respect then perhaps they shoudn't be your partner. A partner shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself.

Gosh, only I could take my own advice! I know it's hard. stay strong

[Harley47]

I agree...she is being emotionally abusive to you. Just because you may've been verbally abusive at some point (which to me sounds like you've corrected, and you've more than apologized for), two wrongs does not make a right. She has NO right to make you "get down on your knees and beg her forgiveness." That is a petty and downright degrading power play for her.

Honestly, I think Leed said it best...she's not for you as long as she does this, and respectfully, I don't think she's going to let it go any time soon. I honestly think it best for you to find someone else.

Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you my very best.

Hugs,
Harley

[Sugar Apple]

Um, are you really sure you verbally abused your girlfriend in the first place, and, if you did, was it really "for the whole relationship" up to that point? Is her claim to being verbally abused by you really justified or have you accepted it because of other reasons?

I ask because someone who is abused, in my opinion, isn't able to become as abusive as she has 'just like that'. What I'm suggesting is maybe it has never been you who is the abuser.

You may want to take my comments with a pinch of salt as part of my issues now, having recognised how abused I've been, is feeling very sensitive about manipulation, and it sounds to me as though your girlfriend may have manipulated you into feeling such guilt in order to undermine you to have control over you. It's one technique I have been subject to, so much so I couldn't tell which way up I was, let alone whether I was in the wrong or right, not that I was ever in the right, of course(!) If there's a grain of truth, and I mean 'a grain' (such as using a 'same word' in a whole sentence of 'other words'), it's really easy to convince someone with very low confidence/self esteem, who's been worn down (maybe subtley - you say the emotions of the relationship are amplified and have drained you), to believe they have said something that, quite frankly, would never, ever enter their head to say.

I agree with the other members. You are being abused and emotionally blackmailed. You are being manipulated. To which (a) I don't think you signed up for and (b) is no way to live - in any type of relationship.

If you want to stay in / salvage the relationship, it is really important to set boundaries. Starting today. Now.

- Call that person out on the behavior and let them know that it is not acceptable - anymore and that you have sincerely apologized. And time to move along.
- Either they accept that or they don't. (you've done your best!)

And then, you will be able to make a decision whether or not you wish to continue to be emotionally abused.

Best wishes to you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Kokoa]

*******UPDATE*********
First of all, i would like to thank all of you for your responses. You have all confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head, but the truth of the matter is, I am afraid to say anything about it.

Let me start by saying that I love her deeply. I don't want to see her hurt, and I don't want to do anything to deepen that hurt that she already has going on.

But when i speak about the way i feel, (unfavorable) things happen. If we bring up the fact that i have forgotten to apologize to her she will start to cry, and say " I ask one little thing of you, and it seems like its difficult." she will go on to say how she has really been affected by my actions, and she wakes up often, really sad and depressed at how i treated her. When I tell her how I feel, and (dance around the real reason) why i forget to say i am sorry she would say " I was just remembering how Abusers will justify their actions" --- "but you've explained yourself and I don;t think your an abuser so i hear you"
---Things like that REALLY hurt me... (as i am typing it right now, i am close to tears.) but i feel horrible bringing anything up because i was the one that hurt her, i am the reason why she is upset nearly everyday. and it seems that i have no right being hurt. it seems really really selfish in a way.

She really seems hurt by my actions, and would shut down if we talk about things too deeply ( or really when things are turned on her) and that's no way to have a relationship....

I often get frustrated, emotional and close to tears when i talk about how i feel -- then the focus is on, how my tone is much like the tone i used when emotionally abusing her, or i am yelling at her (WHEN I KNOW AND SHE KNOWS I AM NOT) and that I am ALWAYS frustrated with her, and we get no where...

I am just not sure how to proceed... because to be honest, Its killing me- but i am afraid to leave because i love her.

[FooZe]

Coming in late here...

It sounds as if the problem isn't that you've failed to apologize enough; it's that your partner, for whatever reason, isn't able to accept (or even hear, really) your apologies. She sounds a bit obsessed with keeping you apologizing. I picture it as a ritual that once made her feel a little better. If its "effect" were wearing off by now, she might feel as though she had to get more and more of it -- run faster and faster just to stay in the same place. I think it was Eric Hoffer who said something like, "You can never get enough of what you don't really want."

If she were aware of that on some level, she might even be feeling bad about herself and taking that, too, out on you. I don't know of any way to make her see what's going on. If you can avoid blaming her (or even triggering her into feeling blamed), she might in time feel secure enough to try a quick reality check or three.

If I were in your situation I think one of the first things I'd want to attend to, would be establishing and maintaining "good boundaries". That would include neither blaming her, nor going along with her when she insists on blaming you -- nor blaming yourself and trying to make yourself feel differently. If you found you couldn't seem to maintain good boundaries with her no matter what, you might even decide in time that your relationship was unsustainable.

Good luck!

[Harley47]

Hi Kokoa.

I know you love her, and I know you don't wish to hurt her. That's normal, even if the relationship isn't entirely healthy (which, I don't think, is really in part on you. If there even WAS anything on your part, as I think Sugar Apple brought up a really good point, you're far past that). But look at what she's saying Kokoa. "I was just remembering how abusers would justify their actions." That is a textbook reversal of the matter at hand, and PRECISELY what SHE is doing to YOU.

You aren't being selfish Kokoa. I admire your dedication in wanting to make this work, and your consideration of her feelings. But you cannot feasibly maintain this relationship long term as things are. She is essentially milking you for what emotional pain she can get out of you. Something, eventually, is going to have to give. Additionally, if she can't openly talk about your problems as a couple without "shutting down" or getting upset, then you're missing one of the key pillars of a relationship: the ability to communicate. It can't work like this.

I am sorry...I hate to be such a nay-sayer, but it pains me to see her doing this to you. Please know you're in my prayers, and I hope things work out for the best.

Many hugs,
Harley

((((Kokoa)))) IMHO, to make changes, setting boundaries is probably the most important part of all of this. And sticking to them.

And it isn't as much about how much you love your S/O, BUT about how much you love (and respect) yourself.

(I think of a character from one of my all time favorite shows and films, when she is speaking with her S/O (and after doing a lot of soul searching and really giving it everything she had) but ending the relationship:

"I'm gonna say the one thing you aren't supposed to say. I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on."

Hugs to you!