So far beyond confused at this point.

The hugging started at a time before this was such a big problem for him.. and it really isn't so much to be me.. he wishes he were female but there are other girls (latino girls) who he's expressly stated the desire to be.. he just wishes he were female, and thats one thing I have that he doesn't.

In a way I guess I do mother him... I do much more than I'm sure I should for him.. to prevent him from failing, I literally wrote a 3 page paper for him just a few days ago.. I constantly help him with his classes now because he can't concentrate often.. I also saw him again yesterday.. and honestly before going over, even after talking to him I accepted that it was probably going to happen again and came to terms with it. The idea of it happening again didn't bother me, so when it did happen again I was ok with it.. but after what we had talked about the moment he stopped (my mom showed up downstairs) he apologized.. I just held him and kissed his cheek before I left; I came home to messages from him apologizing further.. saying how he basicaly was just trying to give me 'an overdose' of what he wishes he could experience.. I told him it was alright and that i really didn't mind so much anymore because although we aren't in a labeled relationship, I do still like him, and if he wants to do things like that, then I think I could be ok with it..

but another problem popped up last night.. his other friend (who lives in california) is now able to use internet again (she's been in basic trainign).. I'm very afraid now that after all of this... because she's back.. that he'll wind up ignoring me again and almost exclusively talking with/confiding things in her.. and that he won't want me over to visit anymore.. the way things were in december and january right before she left.. I don't know how I'd handle it if he pushed me away after this.. she is one of those girls that he wishes he were.. "latino.. short.. cute.. perfect".. I don't want him to push me away after this.. it would be completely unfair..

Thank you.. now this may sound odd.. but I only see myself having 2 children ideally.. My plans are to have one and adopt one..
in the event that I had twins, I would still want to adopt but later on because I'm very, Very cautious about the idea of having any more than 2 children.. after 2 was when everything started to go downhill for my own mother.. I want to be able to Fully be there for whatever children I have.. I don't want to be split so much between then that I miss something important..

(((Silent)))),

This was a good thread for you because it is allowing you to examine the situation as well as search your own feelings. Because the one that has to truely come to an understanding about this situation is YOU. No one here can do that for you all we can do is offer our thoughts and ideas.

This struggle you are having about him reconnecting with this other girl and abandoning you? You have to think about how that is really effecting you. If he does abandon you, that is not because you failed at anything. You truely cannot fix his problem, he is fumbling around with sorting that out himself. And if he is going to latch onto this other girl because he wants to be her instead of you, wow, that isn't something you have any way of fixing for him.

Silent, even if this other girl was not in his sights and he continued his focus on you, what could you truely do for him? If you did continue to allow him to continue to fantasize about being you in any way he can, that just isn't healthy for him or you.
The more this young man is allowed to dream and fanticize about being you or anyone else, the more he is going to lose his own sense of identity. This is a big issue he has going on and it really should be addressed by a professional that can help him find a way to be HIS own identity. This is really over your head Silent because eventually if he finally gets to a point where he realizes that he truely cant be you or that other girl? Oh he could truely crash, and you could be at risk of feeling responsible for something you truely had no ability to help him with.

Yes, you are his friend, but to him, that is his path to being in a situation where he is allowed to fantacize he is you or that other girl, that is not going to help him. And now that you have shown him that you have caught onto his psychological game, he may just find someone else that allows him to play out what he wants. Do you see what I mean here? He is learning how to feed an obcession and you are actually being more of a codependant and you have to be careful about that because you are a born nurturer and very empathetic, well you could become a codependant not realizing it. There are many women that DO fall into that trap not realizing it. I had to learn that myself and it was hard for me because I was married to a man that was trying to get me to mother him and I had to learn how to counteract that, it is not easy.

Silent, I know your want to help him, be his friend etc, but you are truely over your head here, really. This young man needs professional help, not someone that is going to feed into his mental illness. You have to give this some serious though Silent.

Open Eyes

It happens to me a Lot like this really, I make a thread to sort out my own feelings by understanding how i feel in relation to other's responses.

I know it won't be because of me.. but nonetheless it's going to hurt... after everything I've done if he just left.. it seems really cruel..

I honestly hadn't even thought about this being detrimental to his identity crisis.. I don't want to set him worse off.. but there's definitely no professional he'd trust around here.. and it seems so much easier to keep him complacent than say no and hurt his feelings..

Psychological game? He's not intentionally doing anything he thinks of as wrong.. he's not and has never been the type of person to manipulate someone else. This all happened because I said ok. He's not Trying to mess with my head.. it's just turning out that way... he doesn't understand enough about social relationships to know why it would be weird even if i mention it to him.. he thinks he may be mildly autistic.. like have aspergers or something.. his other friend thinks so too, and honestly, given everything he does and how I can see it as possible too.. codependant? having just looked that up i would say i am one... and have been one for ages to anyone of importance to me.. it's stressfull too.. but i feel better knowing i'm helping someone else than i would feel if i said something around the lines of 'f them, i'm sick of this'.. i hate myself when i can't help or don't even Try to help other people..

I never thought of what I was doing as feeding the problem.. as horribly obvious as it seems in hindsight.. I can't thank you enough for making me aware of it.. I will have to truly think about this.. I don't know how to get him any type of professional help with how distrusting he is.. but.. I don't know really.. I'll have to think of something..

Maybe he just needs to meet people who share his feelings. You could use the opportunity to make new friends yourself. If he sees and is supported then both of you win. Maybe you wont date, maybe you will. Talk about it with him! Doing activities outside the bedroom always helps.

There aren't many people who share his feeling around here.. this is a very conservative area unfortunately..

and we do talk and do things that aren't anywhere near that room.. we see each other every day at school for a little while.. and I talk to him every single day on facebook.. that's as close to 'doing things' as we get aside from his house.. he's much too embarrassed to go out anywhere unless absolutely necessary.

Oh I didn't mean a psychological game like normal people play Silent. I meant more that he was entertaining his desires to be a female and was in someways trying to psychologically imagine he was you (a female type that he would like himself to be).
He was wanting to find a way to experience the female body but not sexually, experience it to add to his ability to imagine he is one. I am not sure that is healthy for you to allow him to do. I think it goes pretty deep with him and this is something that is hard to understand.

From what I know (which is not high level knowledge) most men that want to be women, actually eventually seek medical/surgical ways to achieve this. Now I know you said he doesn't believe in this but what else can he do? And I would not want him to increase his desires to where he would not be able to psychologically handle it.

Oh, and codependants are often people that assist others who may be doing something harmful to themselves. I know you would not want that, you are a nurturer by nature so that would be to asist others to gain and be healthier and thrive. I think you are confused about how to help this young man, I don't want you to get drawn into something that may ultimately hurt him psychologically.

I think you pretty much got my message though, yes, I am sure you want to give it some thought.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I don't imagine it's healthy for him either.. and that worries me because i don't know exactly how i'd wean him off of it.. the only way I can think of.. rather the best way would be to just come right out with it and say that i'm worried it's making him worse-off.. but he'll either reject that explanation and think i'm hiding something.. or believe me but be upset about it and go back to his other friend and wind up ignoring me again..

I've wondered the same thing.. what else could make him happy? and the problem is.. it's not just the physical aspects of being female- the female brain actually literally has better connections and so it works better overall than the male brain (this from some of his research) not to mention, infant circumcision further damages the brain by rewiring a young boys developing mind for hardship (experiencing such intense pain at such a young age alter's the boy's way of thinking, literally making them more prone to aggression/violence) and these are just the examples off the top of my head that he's found.. there are innumerable other which surgery wouldn't affect and would continue to bother him.. still i think if he could get past this stigma he has with doctors and opt for the surgery he would wind up feeling at least a bit better.. reducing facial/body hair with nono i think would increase his confidence too but he'll never be rid of his height and he'd never forget those other things which still hurt him.. and he'd feel even more 'unnatural' and 'freakish' if he did opt for it..

I assist people to the point that it hurts me. i wear myself out doing things for those closest to me. I can't put myself first and I get thoroughly depressed because i feel like i'm not appreciated no matter how much i do and whenever I'm upset these same people i wear myself out over can't find the time or energy to listen to me (which is the main reason i got a pc account.) I did cut for a time in my past.. the only reason i stopped is because a friend of mine made me promise to and i lost a major coping resource in doing so.. i still want to.. and horribly so some days.. but i can't bring myself to because of them..
I don't want to hurt him psychologically.. but i have no idea how to handle actually stopping him.. i don't want to hurt his feelings.. I don't know if i Can intentionally hurt his feelings.. and that's going to be very difficult to stop without doing just that to one degree or another..

Empath, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself. You are already letting this guy hurt your feelings too much, excusing his bad behavior - like his talking about cute latina girls, or calling doing things with you "science", or even the anticipation of his dropping you for this woman who has completed her basic training. Believe me, I totally know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I wish I didn't. Open Eyes said so many good things here. I would ask, why aren't you putting all this time and energy into YOUR happiness, into your future plans? It is time to get passionate about you and your life. You do have good insight. Now use it to see how these issues apply to your own life?

Wow, he HAS gotten VERY involved with this. I never heard that circumcision was detrimental to the mental health in men before. I wonder where he found that infomation.

Yes, men and women's brains are wired differently but they both have thier values and intelligence. Women are designed to have a lot more intuition as I mentioned for their off spring. Men are designed for problem solving and gathering food for the family, today they do that earning a living etc. But some men still need to hunt and fish and enjoy it. I am not so sure women are MORE intelligent, they are just ment to do different things.

Like I mentioned this psychological problem he is having is too much a demand for YOU to solve. I DO fear that he is getting to the point where he is allowing himself to become more and more obcessed with it. The bottom line is that he cannot be you or any other girl. And we all have to accept what we have psysically to a certain point.

As for you sweetheart, you have to figure out why you need to give so much of yourself. It sounds like you can't feel happy for yourself and depend on what you can do to make others happy. This has to be addressed. I deal with this myself and I can trace it back to a little girl that was surrounded by very troubled people and there was a lot of conflict in my home. I think I just wanted the other people to be happy somehow so I could feel safer. I didnt ever cut, but I chewed my fingernails, and twittled my hair constantly because I was always so stressed by my environment. I never realized how hard it was for me until I relived it in my PTSD. Well enough about me but I did struggle and really found out how we cannot be responsible for the happiness of others. And often it is not appreciated, and that becomes obvious when we cannot continue to keep giving for some reason.

You have to make up your mind Silent that you cannot FIX the unhappiness in this young man. This is just too much for you to expect of yourself. And YOU my dear have to get to the bottom of YOU. Yes, you think you know yourself, so did I but I didn't know myself as well as I thought. You are smart and talented young lady and you definitely deserve to start doing for yourself. As I mentioned, often we help others by being happy ourselves as an example for them. Most people are followers and expecially children. And you DO need to make sure you address the thyroid issue and get your chemical balance taken care of.

So, Silent, take some time and make a decision about coming to the realization that you honestly cannot solve this young man's problems. All you can really do is help him make a decision to GET HELP FOR HIMSELF. And if he doesn't listen then you have done whatever you can for him. Yes, maybe he will just move on to that other girl but that CANT be your problem. And you are right, he cannot change his height and bone struture or even his brain. And he definitely CAN'T become you OR the other girl either just by holding and wishing and dreaming and fantacizing.

You already know that there is a limit in how much you can help others. I had to learn that myself. Yes, I was hurt many times too and I had to learn to come to terms with my limits, and it isn't easy.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

VERY involved. He's on his computer almost 24/7 and as much as every new piece of information hurts him.. he can't help looking up more and more... And there are multiple studies on it actually.
(A few:
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/10/mri-s...y-altered.html
http://www.asnatureintended.info/3/p...in-damage.html
http://www.gentleparents.com/circumcision.html )

That's not exactly what I meant, I didn't say women were more intelligent- rather, that they had technically more functional brains.
Human female brains have more functionality than male's brains due to the corpus callosum being thicker and better developed (this means that the brain can better send and interpret messages from all parts and functions more equally throughout) - http://www.webmd.com/balance/feature...-brains-differ

He is thoroughly obsessed with it already... There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't express pain over some aspect of his being male. He just finds it beyond unfair that with more than half the human population being female.. that he had to be born, as he would put it, the lesser gender.

I feel worthless if I can't help other people.. and I think.. if i really had to attribute it to something, it would be my last relationship.. i'd been putting other's needs ahead of my own since what happened to me in middle school but it wasn't anywhere near so severe until I met, and was in a relationship for 2+ years with this diagnosed narcissist who was.. Constantly.. threatening suicide.. and not only did he threaten suicide, but he blamed his reasons for committing suicide in me.. (it was a long distance relationship) I wasn't physically there with him.. and I didn't have the one thing he would Literally (and I am completely serious saying this) have killed a woman to get some days.. breastmilk..
I've never been in a healthy relationship to be completely honest.. but he was by far.. the worst off mentally..

I know I can't fix him, but I want.. I feel compelled even, to Help him.. in whatever way I can.. When he's happy.. i'm happy.. it's like i can finally breathe easy.. but those moments never last very long.. He's expressed his desire that i be happy.. because my being sad doesn't help him at all.. but it's very difficult to remain in good spirits when the closest person in the world to you says nearly every day how he wishes he were dead..
and it's my parathyroid.. there's a difference.. my mother has thyroid problems.. my great grandmother on the opposite side had parathyroid issues.. and I have an appointment 1 week from today with an endocrinologist..

Again, I Know I can't Fix his problems.. but what kind of a person would I be to abandon a friend in need.. i should always do everything in my power to keep others happy.. because it could be the one day I take for myself that when they lose it.. and give up.. and kill themselves because no one was there to convince them otherwise.. i couldn't live with myself knowing if i had just been there I could have changed that outcome.. that i potentially could have stopped them..
I would try to convince him to speak to some kind of professional.. if only i knew one at all.. much less one who could handle the magnitude of his gender-crisis.. along with the information regarding it..

I know there's only so much I can do... but i strive to do Everything i can do.. no matter how exhausting that may be.. and i don't know how to stop..

Biologically, everyone's first responsibility is to themselves.. but I consider myself of so little value that despite pain it may cause me, i believe it better to focus primarily on others.. Open Eyes always has good advice.. several of the people here on psych central do, but it's one thing to hear good advice and know on some level that you Should do as advised.. and it's another thing altogether to actually muster up whatever it takes and Do it...

Does he have social anxiety by chance?

Definitely.

He probably isnt trans then. I met someone like that who wanted to be female because they are the "superior" gender. Women live longer and there are other benefits to being a girl that he probably feels very cheated from. Honestly he needs to see a therapist...Social anxiety is really hard to treat because there are so many distorted thoughts.
I could be wrong though. He may really feel like he is indeed a she.

Well I pretty much said that from the get-go. I know he doesn't identify as trans.
You hit the nail right on the head pretty much- he feels completely cheated because of all the benefits girls gets- he wishes he were a girl for those reasons, but doesn't identify as a girl, just wishes on an obsessive level that he were one.

Silent, I know I was not the best at helping you, sorry for that, but if you don’t mind can I just say few more things to you, for you to maybe think about or ignore what I write, if I am still not being helpful.

I got the idea that when you referred to having feelings for him. That you saw the situation between you both as in sense of what that person was like beyond them being male or female. Like on a more emotional, personality, characteristic traits and more in the sense you liked that person for how they were other than physically sense. Sorry if I am not explaining this well. But even though you could see past his problems and care for him you have to accept this is what it is and nothing more.

So you must not let this affect you in any other way then just helping a friend. You can not then take his reactions/ behaviour towards you in a sense you then internalize that. Therefore then affecting the way you think or view yourself. You have to try and realize this should not reflect in any of your thoughts or feeling considering your own personal self. You can not base your thoughts of other relationships in the future from this in anyway as well. You can not use this in a way to help you better understand your own person relationships; please don’t think I am accusing you of this because I am not. But you should not base anything of yourself from your involvement with this guy. So try not to let this hurt you in such a way. Or think that you will get more than a friends support back from him. Therefore you must stop giving more support than what a friend would give or can give.

This will be hard for you but would you advise a friend to give more of themselves to a person they know. When it hurts them more than it does them good. You would probably tell them they should care for themselves and help that other person but only as much as they can. And not to feel bad for only being able to do what they could by listening/ talking and advising. So why do this to yourself. When the right reasons for helping him is outweighed by this hurting you.

I know it’s easy for me to say this, but you have to realize the separations of other people and yourself. Then not allow thoughts / feelings from this to become a part of you or reflect how you view yourself. When they are no means anything to do with you or meant in a way personal to you. They are all his thoughts/ views and you are just a friend he seeks qualification from or supportive debate from. He in no way did any of this thinking of you or how you may see/ take this this in a personal sense. So please don’t then take this personally or in negative way. Try to understand this in an interaction way as you were involved but which had nothing to do with you personally.

For once I think you need to consider that someone can be there for you and give you support in the way you would like from a guy but that’s something that will happen in future. This is not the friendship for that, neither can you find anything form this that would support each other in such a way. So try and tackle this from now on as his friend and nothing more. Also in future explain to him you can not be there for him so much because some of his actions have hurt/ upset you. Any good friend would understand this. Don’t feel bad for looking after your own personal needs. For some part of our life’s we have to be our own best friend as well as ourselves. Sorry if I am not being helpful or just reiterated what others have posted to you.

I swear I'm not ignoring this but this spring break has been way busier than I anticipated. I'll leave a real reply as soon as I can.

Silent, I didn’t, mean ignore this, as an insult at all. I am sorry if you took what I wrote the wrong way. I only meant it in the way of my advice may not be the best for you as it only comes from me and I don’t know it all or really have that much of a clue myself. However you never know what just might be helpful to one person or not. So please don’t feel you have to reply just to be polite. Thank You for your comment, it just shows how caring you are, to consider that maybe another person took you not replying in a bad way so you wrote that. However maybe you consider other people’s feelings a little too much.