Subconscious Love?

Hello kind people,

Only half of what I'm saying is related to relationships (the other side goes a bit deeper into my subconscious), but I'll try in this subsection first. The short summary of what I'm experiencing right now:

Introduction:
My girlfriend (let's call her Angel ) and I are together for 8 months now (both 25 yo), and even though we have our minor differences, we both experience something we never did, we love each other, and even see a future together. I'm an engineer, she's studying psychology, interested in spirituality, so as you can guess, she looks at these things a bit differently than I do, and she does it a lot .

Where it started:
She didn't really mention this, only after it was a bit late, but she noticed the way I look at her sometimes, she described it as I was disappointed, or was hoping that she was a different person, like I was seeing a different person in her, and she's just not her. I didn't, and still don't feel like this. The problems started when she "found" the person I supposedly was searching for in her.

The other girl:
Let's call her Brenda. I know her since I was 4, we were at the same kindergarten together, we grew up, finished highschool together, then we went on our separate ways. I had some feelings for her for, which I attribute to her attitude, she was an original type of girl, who stood out of the crowd, but it was never so intense that I would want to be with her. I had feelings for lots of other girls too... I was a boy in highschool. Nowadays, she "returned" into "my" life, as in we live in the same city, she has a boyfriend (lots of years together), we hang out (not only the two of us) together, but rarely, like once a month. My only feelings for her are friendly and nostalgic, she's the one who reminds me of the old times.

The only thing that happened between me and Brenda is a huge mistake, when we got drunk, and at the push of a third person, we kind of slept together. It wasn't like you see in the movies, I'm not even sure if IT happened at all, or we were just fooling around, because neither of us remembers that night really clearly. Angel knows about this, and it happened before we got together.

Me acting strange:
Angel saw the way I am acting around Brenda. She says that I am completely different, I treat her with more respect and attention, and always smile when I'm around her. She even feels that I don't treat her the same way. I explain this to myself as an act of respect towards her, I keep a distance between Brenda and I. On the other hand, I can't always be in my "smiling mood" when I'm with Angel... we spend a lot of time together, so obviously she will see my bad side, which is not visible to others, like Brenda.

Subconscious love:
Here comesthe (not so) funny part. Angel knows [I don't want to give more details on this, just imagine (but don't over-think it) an external non-human source, that she things it's reliable information] that I LOVE Brenda and she loves me back, but neither of us know this yet. It's just hidden somewhere deep in our subconscious and it's waiting for it to surface when we are ready.

My feelings:
I do not reject her theory. I am an open person, and I am willing to try to think objectively. Consciously, I have no feelings for Brenda. I love Angel. Apart for this, and other smaller issues, we have a wonderful time together, and we're happy. I can even see her as my future partner. Yes, there are things in her that I "don't like" that much, and I wish she would act like other girls (even Brenda), but these are extremely few, and I ACCEPT them. I'm not sad about them, I don't think about them, I don't wish to change her. I have my own weird things... no one is perfect. At least that's how I see it. If I think logically, objectively, emotionally... if I would be given the choice between the two, and all three of us would forget everything that happened, and I would be able to spend my life with my chosen one... I would still choose Angel.

Her feelings:
Angel loves me. I could even say she loves me more than I do love her. When she "found" this out, she was lost, and didn't know how to continue our relationship, if to continue at all. She thought it's just a matter of time until I realize that I love someone else, and I will leave her behind me with lots of suffering. Her theory of why I love her is that I love her a little, but most of the love is channeled for Brenda, through her, and deep inside I have a blurry picture of the two of them in my mind. She says that I just know that I can't have Brenda, so I settle for her, and see her as Brenda, not seeing the real Angel. Right now, the things settled a bit, and we are together, everything seems fine, but the "fact" is in her mind all the time, she just tries to "get over it", because she loves me, and wants to stay with me... but I see how she gets sad from time to time, because she knows that I don't see HER in her.

Now I don't know how the brain works, but for me, this is really complicated, that's why I come for help to you . I'm not denying that my brain somehow made a mental image of the ideal girl, which includes some of Brenda also, and try to project it to other girls, but isn't this how the brain works?

Is there such a thing as subconscious love at all?
Is there a way to find out what's really going on?
If there is something in my subconscious, is there a way to resolve it?
Can it be this mangled up, this complicated?
How will this play out? How should I play it out?
If, after a time, I do realize that I love Brenda, but I also have feelings for Angel, could I take it as it's "resolved" deep in my mind, so I just have to deal with it on the surface, and try to forget about Brenda, even though I will know that I love(d) her?

My biggest thanks for whoever reads all this and tries to help me, I know that it's a lot, and you might have to read it a second time. It would mean a lot.
Have a nice day!

Wow, that's a lot to tackle. I am definitely not the advice guru here on PC, but I see no one else has answered your post. I have a few random things I noticed that I can throw out there that may or may not be useful to you.

Your Brenda sounds a lot like my "Sally", my girlfriend from high school and my early college years that I was sure I was supposed to marry. It took years after our marriage that my wife finally stopped feeling threatened by her, or rather by what she felt was my idealized image of her, even after I eliminated all contact with Sally. The question: is your relationship with Angel important enough to cut off contact with Brenda for Angel's peace of mind and security?

At some point you probably need to figure out what happened when you "kind of" slept with Brenda. Seems like Angel is threatened by it, whatever actually happened.

Therapy might be a good idea for you to help you sort out your feelings and deal with this idealized woman you believe you are trying to see in both Angel and Brenda. I know what I'm talking about on this one; I have an idealized image of an ex lover that's causing lots of damage and preventing me from restoring my marriage. You need to get past this and realize you are in love with a human with all her faults and flaws. Difficult to do, I know, but not impossible.

Couples therapy might also be a good idea for you and Angel if she's willing to go. If she values your relationship she will go with you. If she won't go, that tells you something about where your relationship stands.

I am completely unqualified to address what Angel feels about you and Brenda and the whole relationship because of her spirituality. There is one person in particular here that would be very well qualified; I hope you get a response from him/her.

That's all I have for you, my friend. Sorry I didn't solve all the world's problems, but I hope I at least gave you a few ideas to think about. Good luck.

Thank you bowhunt72, every opinion is valued, if it was intended to help me, and yours was .

To answer your question if my current relationship is important enough to cut off contact with Brenda... well, if I'd think with my sane mind, I'd say yes, but it's a bit far fetched. If I try to analyze what might happen if I do realize that my conscious mind is wrong, and something else surfaces, it might end up bad. Not because I would lose Brenda, but who knows with what feelings will I still remain after it towards Angel. I think it's too early in our relationship (even after 8 months) to tell, but if it goes well, I'd make this sacrifice.

What happened when we "kind of slept" together? Well, you can a argument with "in vino veritas", but I don't think that's the case . I don't know... yet.

I've thought about therapy, but I'm not sure where to go, or if it's needed. I'm trying to figure out things the easy way for now.

I think Angel needs therapy on her own - sounds like she has daddy issues, or sibling rivalry issues, that she is bringing to this relationship. I wouldn't rush into anything - ie marriage - at this point. Maybe you need to date around a little more? Get rid of this idea of an "ideal" woman, and have a r/s with a real person, and learn to be a real person yourself (my 1st husband was an engineer, please don't mind my teasing you!).

Maybe she does, but that's not really what I'm trying to find out. I want to look inside myself and see what's there .

Only you can look inside yourself, Angel can theorize/train/think/feel/intuit until the cows come home but you are and always will be the expert on "you" because you are the only one who can say what is going on with you. Angel can have all the theories she wants about you but as far as deciding what you will/should/might do, she is clueless because that's your purview, not hers. Angel is only in charge of Angel and needs to decide what Angel wants to do and quit pushing you away with her trying to tell you about you when you're the expert!

We learn from experiences and examples and Brenda was a long-time friend and love, showing you how friendly and pleasant women could be to get to know; Angel should be grateful to Brenda! My husband is divorced and it took me a couple years to help him see that all wives did not have to be critical and dissatisfied with who he was as a man.

I would quit messing with what you term subconscious or the unconscious or anything you don't now know and I'd quit other people from trying to mess with your head and trying to tell you about you. You may decide to ditch Angel for Brenda in 5 years; it does not sound likely to me but I don't know that I'd want to be around Angel if she's not going to concentrate on our life together, here and now and making it the best life together she can. I don't see that her parlor games are of any help to you? If she has decided you are going to hurt her because you want to be with Brenda and doesn't like that, she needs to get herself out of the relationship; not make it your problem.

I think Angel is using her studies on you and she is not quantified to do that. She's thinking way too much into the relationship.

I agree that maybe you should not see Brenda for a while until Angel feels secure in your relationship.

I think that Angel should stop looking for issues where there are none, and enjoy the present in all it's glory. In the great words of the Spice Girls "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never ends"... If you value and love Brenda as a person, a humanbeing, a friend, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you 2 will end up together. I have a male friend, whom I love to bits (and at 1 point we did get physical, but that was a consensual experiment, and we went back to being platonic) my x bf saw him as a threat to our r/s, and wanted me to do away with him. I'm ashamed to admit it, but at 1 point, I did break all contact. Didn't make my bf any more secure, and our r/s obviously didn't last. THANKFULLY my friend didn't hold it against me, and no, my friend and I didn't end up together or even try dating. Today he's married with a son and a 2nd on the way just my 2c.

Lots of thanks for your answers. She is gone now . I'll just go and mop the floor up with myself.

What happened? Are you ok?

I'm not sure what happened. She just couldn't get this thing out of her head, and even though we were perfectly happy, this thing popped in again. She said she's not strong enough to fight it, and doesn't want to make me sad every time I see her sad about this. So she said she loves me more than anything, and even if it's painful, at least this puts an end to suffering after a time, unlike the uncertainty of the state we were in.

I'm not ok, thanks for asking. It's the first time a breakup feels so horrible. But it's probably something common, I'm nothing special about this. Just feeling lost, don't know what to do with myself, can't focus on work, I feel alone as **** (because I am). Yes, I know that time heals, I just need to distract myself, but that's not what I want. I feel like I lost more than just this. And I don't want to fight her to get her back, if it will be the same. I always trusted her, so I can't ignore what she feels, what if it's true? Can I change that? Can I prove the opposite to myself? Or will this just be a "the one that got away" type of story?

(I'll re-write because my yet-to-be-moderated reply got lost)

By she I mean Angel. We broke up yesterday. As usual, we were having a great time, when she thought of the bad things again. She started crying, and I got sad. Probably this is what made her take the decision, she didn't wanted to continue hurting me, even though she was/is suffering much more. So she said that it's the end for her, a painful end, but at least an end, compared to the lingering what she had with me. She still loves me a lot, and she tried to fight by ignoring what she thinks of me and Brenda, but I think she is just not strong enough, and gave up. Maybe for herself, maybe for me, it doesn't matter.

I don't even want to tell you how I feel, because you've read thousands of similar threads already. I just don't know what to do now. Everything in my life seems so soulless. Even the things I can do without her, they have no meaning at all, they are cold, and stupid "tasks" I get done, instead of the colorful and happy moments. I don't know what to do besides just sitting at my PC at work, thinking of this, then going home and crying. Even though I've never experienced something this painful, I know how this goes, time heals the wounds, I have to get distracted, and I'll move on. It's just I'm afraid that I won't find someone like her. There are lots of nice girls, whom I can like, but she has something special, not the normal kind of nice. Is that worth fighting for? What weapons do I have to solve the root problem, and not the symptoms? And if she's the one with the problems, do you think it can happen to other things in the future? Because we both think that this is something bigger, so it's justified somehow.

Posting is the important thing, not whether the feelings have been posted before by someone else. THIS is YOUR post. It is for YOU.

We each get to post and post and even to the skies! It's good for us and we don't apologize for it. Okay? Don't ever feel that you need to, feelings, please. Feelings, feelings, are the core. If you are lucky enough to know what yours are, please let them out.

For me, this is the first step in fighting for what's important to me.

Roadie

But what's the point, if they're just thrown into an SQL database? The more I let out, the more it accumulates. It's the first day, I know, but that's the bad part... how much more will follow? Months? Years?

Have you ever journaled? Writing can be used as a therapeutic tool. It is an art form and allows us freedom, a form of creation & release through that creation.

Crew just announced a PC event that'll help with this:http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...80&postcount=1

I definitely agree... Vent all the feelings you have... We seriously don't mind reading them and offering support where we can. We want to do that; we want to be supportive! Getting things out, either on paper or on the computer screen, helps your brain to let go of things a little, so you're not constantly rehashing it over and over. Getting it out will help you start to move on from it, learn from it, evolve from it... I am not saying that you'll immediately stop thinking about this or stop hurting... You need to grieve the loss of your relationship.

After months and months of grieving my last breakup, I finally realized that if it's meant to be, it will be. I had to try to get myself to not worry about things I couldn't control. I know that probably won't be much help now, but it's okay to take your time, feel the pain, and slowly, very slowly, move forward.

Be gentle to yourself.

Please take good care of yourself, and keep posting, it's a healthy outlet and the people reading want to support. XOXO

Thank you for the support guys and girls , it's really helpful. I think I vented enough for today, I feel a bit better, but only because I managed to distract myself... it won't be any better at night or tomorrow.

I'm still puzzled about my story though. Still trying to figure out what would be a "fix" to the root of the problem, and where is the problem?

My main question now is: can I love someone and at the same time my subconscious love someone else? Or how does this work? What if she's right? How do I get rid of it? What if she's wrong... what if all my feelings are true? What if there weren't so many what ifs?