Need advice/opinion please

I had a situation happen which completely embarrassed, humiliated, and angered me in front of my 15 yr old daughter and her boyfriend and I'm wondering if my feelings are valid or if I am taking this too far.
Here is the situation:
My daughter and her boyfriend came home and she asked me for some money to go to the carnival. I did not have any to give her so she wanted to ask her mother, who was in bed sleeping at the time. (I thought but she happened to be awake. She works night shift.) I told her not to bother her mother but she went in the bedroom against my direction. This angered me because I felt she was being very selfish, and that she didn't obey me.
She went in, got some money and came out. I then told her she was not to go to the carnival since she disobeyed me. She raised her voice "WHY!" and I told her why. So then she went back into her mother room, they talked a bit and she came out saying "Mom wants to talk to you". I went in and she tells me she gave her money and said, despite what I said, that she could go to the carnival with her boyfriend.
This has upset me greatly. Mostly about my wife undermining me and letting her go to the carnival anyway.
I am seeking your advice on how I should handle this situation. I would also like a comment on whether my feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, and just plain anger, are valid or am I going overboard here.

Thank you in advance.

Paul

You're not going overboard at all. Parents should stick by one anothers descisions. I believe I would have handled it the same way and been just as frustrated and embarrassed as you were. Your wife did not support your wishes.

Well, look, I'm a 20-year-old girl, so I don't know anything about parenting, but I do know what it's like to be a teenage girl. If I was your daughter, I'd be rather embarrassed: you treated her like a child in front of a boy she wanted to impress. There's a time and a place to tell a teenage girl off, and that time and place is NOT in front of her boyfriend. From her point of view, the reason probably seemed petty: she didn't do what you said, but it didn't really hurt anyone. Your wife was awake and didn't mind being bothered. So you were "wrong" to give your order in the first place. While she ought to have had more respect for what you said, you needn't have humiliated her by telling her off in front of a boy she liked. Your wife probably understood that and thought it wasn't worth the argument you'd get if you didn't let her go to the carnival.

Honestly, I don't know why you feel the need to seek validation for your emotions. Feel however you feel about whatever happened. But I really think this is a rather small thing that I wouldn't dwell on too much. Your daughter just wanted to go out, your wife was tired and didn't feel like arguing, and you were trying just a little too hard to put your daughter in her place in front of a guy she liked. From what you said, I don't think it's really an attack on your parental authority.

I can understand why you're annoyed; looking at this as if it were an isolated incident, it does seem as though your wife was awake (and thus not bothered by your daughter), and figured that it wasn't worth it to force her to stay home.

Maybe it would have been better if you would have been there for their conversation, and not waiting outside with your daughter's boyfriend (I think that's the part that would aggravate me)? Or maybe if your wife spoke to you first?

If it's still bothering you, I think you should definitely bring it up and speak to her about it.

Well, look, I'm a 20-year-old girl, so I don't know anything about parenting

I was actually looking for input from other parents but thank you for your insight.

If I was your daughter, I'd be rather embarrassed: you treated her like a child in front of a boy she wanted to impress. There's a time and a place to tell a teenage girl off, and that time and place is NOT in front of her boyfriend.

I dont see where I embarrassed and treated her like a child. I simply told her she couldn't go to the carnival.

she didn't do what you said, but it didn't really hurt anyone.

No, it didn't hurt anyone but the rules of the house are: You listen to what you are told, simple.

Your wife was awake and didn't mind being bothered. So you were "wrong" to give your order in the first place

First, I didn't know she was awake, therefore, I didn't want her to wake her up because she works nights and I wanted her to get her sleep. Second, how exactly am I wrong for telling her not to go into my bedroom to wake up my wife?

Thank you but I was looking for input from other parents. I know you'll hear this again but you will never really feel what it's like to be a parent until you are one.

You didn't ask for parenting advice. You asked for general advice and you asked whether your feelings were justified. It doesn't take a parent to have an opinion. Believe it or not, young people are actually capable of having insights and empathy, and we loathe patronizing individuals who discount our opinions merely because we are young. In any case, I thought you'd appreciate some input from someone who actually understood the scenario from the other side. I guess you don't. But a word of warning: I have been where your daughter is. If you continue to become obsessed, humiliated, and angry about stupid situations like this one then you're in for a rough couple of years while your daughter grows up. You should move on with your life and worry about things that matter.

You have a right to feel your feelings. I'm a parent, and while I would be miffed at my partner over-riding my decision... I think you're angry bcoz you felt embarrassed, and you felt embarrassed bcoz your decision was over-ridden by your wife and daughter, infront of another male... Seriously, don't take it too harshly, it could've been MUCH worse. And you might want to take a look at Morghana's post for what it is. Insight into your daughter's actions, unless of cors you have zero interest in understanding her.

Morghana, I guess you're right to an extent. After re-reading my initial post, I didn't explain the whole situation fully. There was actually alot more to it and this isn't just an isolated incident.
Thank you very much for your insight into a teenage girls mind though. It will help me in future issues we may have.

I take it that this was a one night carnival. If not you and your wife could have talked about it and another night could be chosen. I do feel your authority was over ruled and it sounds like your hurt because this isn't the first time this has happened. I do agree that all conversations should be out of ear shot from friends and current partners. I think all of you may want to sit down and make a "rules/consequences" book where all of you agree on set rules and consequences, all of you sign it and so all of you are on the same page. Sorry this happened it seems to happen at the worst times.

Did your wife know you told her she couldn't go? Maybe your daughter didn't mention hat to her when she got the money.

Yes, she knew. I found out after my post that she was in fact, asleep. This carnival was going all week so she had many days left to choose from.

Also, I had said in a calm voice, "<name> I'm sorry, went in the bedroom when I toild you not to, so i'm afraid you can't go to the carnival tonight" That's when she started yelling at me about why she couldn't go, and stormed off back into the bedroom. She came out saying my wife wanted to talk to me, so I went in there and she said she's gonna let her go (knowing I said no and why). By the time I came back out into the front room, they were gone.

I didn't read everything, but I do not agree with this. If my child disrespects and disobeys me, do you really think I care about embarrassing her? When you become a parent, THEN you will understand....

Moving along...

To the poster, again, you do not have children so you don't understand what it feels like when your child does something like this. I understand you have an opinion, and that's fine, but you have no clue what it is like to be a parent. His daughter was out of line....

delete...see response below...maybe i read this wrong originally...

It sounds as if the initial reason your daughter could not go to the carnival was because you had no cash to giver her at the time (i.e., you had no other objection to her going) and the other ATM machine was sleeping. Even though you told her not to bother her mother because she was asleep, she did so anyway and got some cash to go out. Perhaps, she noticed her mother's light on at some point and knew she was not sleeping. She defnitely was wrong to disregard your request that she not bother her mother, but I'm kind of concerned about how much this "embarrassed, humiliated, and angered" you. I would be annoyed, maybe, but would have spoken with my daughter about it later in private (not in front of the boyfriend).

The bottom line is that her mother was awake (or was asleep and did not mind being woken up) and had cash to give her so that she could go out and have a good time. Prior to her waking her mother, you had no objection to her going to the carnival. Is your daughter otherwise well-behaved? If so, then I'd just chalk this up to her thinking for herself. Parents aren't always right, it's a shame but true. Let's just say that you ask your daughter to get a part-time job after school to help chip in with clothes or other stuff that she might like to buy for herself. Let's just say that every job listing says "Please submit applications online only." If she cannot find a job online, would you be mad at her if she walked into a business and personally delivered her resume? Sometimes thinking for yourself is a good thing.

God knows where I'd be today if I listened to everyone in a position of authority who ever told me "no."

I promise this is my last post on this topic...

I take back a little of what I wrote. The daughter was just being a kid. I don't place too much blame on her in this even though she was wrong...The issue is the wife and the communication between you two.

A) If you didn't read everything, perhaps you shouldn't be so certain that I am wrong. I've given you and the OP the benefit of having read EVERYTHING you had to say and considering it carefully before I responded. I know I'm the young'un on this thread, but I think I've behaved rather more maturely than you have, even though you are apparently the parent while I am the young adult.

B) I didn't say the girl was right to disobey or disrespect her father. I explained that from the daughter's point of view, what occurred would have been embarrassing and would have seemed petty on her father's part. You don't have to agree with what the teenage girl would think, nor would I expect a parent to agree, but I rather think it's worth taking the time to understand how a young girl would feel about being told off by her father in front of her boyfriend. In the scheme of relationships between teenagers and fathers, this is really rather minor. She didn't exactly run away with a bad boy, smoke pot and get pregnant. She went to a carnival that her dad didn't want her to go to but that her mom didn't mind her going to.

C) I understand that since I'm not a parent, my opinion may not have as much weight as others' opinions, but that doesn't mean it has no value whatsoever. I was a teenager less than a year ago, and it's adults like this--those who assume that we don't understand anything at all--that make it so damn hard for us. It's not easy to be a parent I'm sure, but it's not easy to grow up, either, and I think that it's easy for older adults to forget this. For that reason, I thought people would actually appreciate the fact that I gave my opinion. Instead, I've been rather harshly criticized for even OFFERING an opinion.

D) I'd like to point out that being embarrassed doesn't make teenagers more compliant; it simply makes them angry and thus more inclined to disobey. If you want a teenager to do what he/she is told, you usually have more luck treating him/her like an adult. If you don't give a damn about embarrassing your teenager, you're frankly asking for disobedience and heartache. Teenagers are going through a sensitive time in their lives, and I rather think that should be respected.

E) Please do not take it upon yourself to tell me off. The OP has already done this, and we seem to have reached a pleasant enough understanding. If you want to disagree with me, go ahead. But I see no reason for you to reply for the express purpose of attacking what I have to say, especially without reading it. I'm frankly annoyed and hurt that I've gotten so much grief for a simple opinion. If you disagree, do so respectfully and intelligently. I am a highly educated, bright, and empathetic person, and I deserve to be treated as such.

It honestly sounds like you wife let your daughter go because she needed sleep.

And that bolded up top, with that said, I ain't readin nothing else that you wrote...My intention wasn't to say that you don't have an opinion. I coulda sworn I typed something to the effect of it's ok to have an opinion. But you have to realize, the same way you have an opinion, so do I. Your personal comments and judgments about me, means nothing to me. Again, your comments mean nothing. All I am is a screen name to you. You are taking one or two comments and running with it. Only reason I am responding is to clarify what I said. Relax. Calm down. All you are in a screen name to me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Second, I was not trying to tell you off. If I was trying to tell you off, I woulda wrote what I wanted to in the first place, which is, "I, ME MYSELF would never take parenting advice from someone who doesn't even have kids." BUT, this thread isn't about me That is how I feel. Again, you are more than welcome to type whatever it is you want on the subject.

Third, I apologize for not reading your whole response. I genuinely do. No really, I appologize. I'm at work. I get on here in between work. I don't have time to read thesises or essays. BUT, I will take blame and say I should have read the whole thing. My bad....

With that being said, my opinion still stands as far as what I wrote up top. I would never take advice from someone who isn't a parent. I mean you no harm by saying that, but that is how I feel. Same concept as getting relationship advice. I would never ask for or receive advice for someone who has never had a real long term committed relationship. That is my own personal opnion. If you don't like it, I don't know what to say. Again, these are all my personal opinions. I again apologize for not reading your response. I didn't even read what you wrote up top cause I gotta go, and again, I don't have time for a thesis. No harm intended towards you, it's the truth.

With that being said, relax, breath, it's just a forum. I will not check this thread again, because I don't believe in going back and forth with folks online...Deuces

I know the OP is not going to reply, but for the benefit of others:
1) I meant that I behaved more maturely in terms of actually reading something before automatically disagreeing with it. The jury's out on whether i'm actually a mature person.

2) Parenting is about the relationship between adults and kids. Others understand the adult side. I understand the kid side. It's not like asking for relationship advice from someone who's never been in a relationship. We're talking about a parent-child relationship, which I have experience with from the child's side. I'm not exactly coming from nowhere.

3) I'm sorry for getting angry, but you've hit upon my pet peeve: being talked down to. This is the one thing in the world I absolutely cannot stand, whether it's online or in real life. And take a lesson: it's the one thing in the world pretty much every young person can't stand.

Hi Paul, I can understand why you would feel disrespected by your kid. You asked her not to do something, and she did it anyway. And in front of someone else. Not cool.

Yes, pre-teens and teenagers will be just that it's about testing boundaries and questioning EVERY little thing (for the most part), so it's wise to pick your battles. I think when it comes to respecting you, your decisions and decisions about money, this is worth working out. How else is your daughter going to learn?

It's my belief, parents should stand strong and firm together in their decisions; otherwise, the kids aren't going to take you - or your marriage seriously (it's all about teamwork and setting a great example for the kids, so they grow up to be lucky enough to have the same type of relationship).

It's certainly NOT to be portrayed as you two against the kids type thing at all, though, either because that will really affect the kids self esteem and feelings of self worth.

You and your wife should definitely discuss the matter in private (when your daughter isn't around), so you can come to a mutual understanding that benefits the welfare and well-being of your kid. When you are both calm, speak with your daughter.

You are the parent. She is the child. It's important to set boundaries and not allow children to manipulate one parent, so it ends up being good cop / bad cop scenario every time the child doesn't get what s/he wants. Like this situation....I think it's setting everyone up for disaster.

Best of luck! Please let us know how it goes!

Paul, you do not ever have to defend how you feel; it is what it is and is always "valid" but does not always have to acted on in a certain way, it's just information about what is going on with you.

I would talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and the two of you work on how you can deal with this in the future. If I had been your daughter's mother and I found out she had come in and awakened me after you had told her not to, I would have backed that. It could be that your wife was ready to get up or did not learn you had said not to awaken her or had some other thing going on and was not aware of the whole story.

Too, I would, in the future, put the whole boundary-with-consequence down all at once; tell her not to go into your bedroom and wake her mother or she won't be going to the carnival at all. I do not know your money situation and how you and she get along but I would have either gone in the bedroom myself (so as not to wake your wife) and gotten money from her purse/wherever or I would have offered to give them a ride to the carnival and stop by the money machine, etc.?

This is such a hard thread because all parties are a little bit right and a little bit not so right. If the kid is otherwise well-behaved, gets good grades and otherwise act like a "young adult," then consideration should be given. Both parties should always speak in a respectful matter to each other, but kids will always challenge their parents and this is part of the growing up process (for both kids and parents)...when I was young, I was pretty mature for my age...and my parents treated me accordingly. I wasn't allowed to go crazy and party like a wild animal but I was allowed to engage in well thought out debates with the parents and, if I was able to convince them, through sound logic, of my position, then I usually got what I wanted in that instance. Just because I was a teenager didn't give them carte blanche to determine every instance of my life. Yes, I was "living under their roof" and their final word was the law, but their final word usually came after they heard us out.

It seems like the Mom and Dad in this thread need to get on the same page and then communicate this to Daughter....please talk to her and ask for her input about what happened...

I think your not going too far. It's natural reaction for a parent who wants to discipline their children, keeping them from going the wrong direction of life,of course every parent does. I guess the anger was caused by having no money to give to your daughter and was then added by disrespectful manner displayed by your kid... I think you and your wife needs to talk about how to discipline your kid. It's always the good thing to start...

One thing my husband and I have made crystal clear to our sons is that if they try to play one of us against the other, they are not going to win. But that is something we have discussed as a couple and one on one with each boy. They know that is a very clear boundary and they respect that.

I get the feeling that you and your wife and your daughter are going to have to back up, define those boundaries and discuss them so that all of you are on the same page. Otherwise this kind of thing will continue to happen because the message your daughter gets is that she can manipulate you two into getting whatever she wants. She has no problem if that causes problems for you two. That's what teenagers do when the boundaries are blurry.

The other thing we have learned is to pick our battles. If my initial reaction was to let her go to the carnival had I had the money to give her, then I would have probably gone to my spouse myself and gently woke her up to get the money or fished it out of her wallet (if that's an okay thing between you). Then the whole focus of the conversation would stay on the carnival and the whole issue with non-compliance really would have been a non-issue.

The main thing here is to really sit down with your wife and your daughter and iron out that whole playing one parent against the other thing. It is a teenager's favorite ploy. (Who am I kidding? It starts more like age 2.)