[beauflow]

New Fun thing with me this last weekend.

This time My significant other's parents. (S/O for short here).

So this is what happened on my side-
Sorry if it is long-

We went over to have dinner with them after they called and said they were making it for my S/o's birthday that was on Friday- which is all well and good.

• We get done with dinner, and his parents gives him a card and his Dad right off the bat says " Don't let Beauflow see it; she'll get upset" - His mother then chimes in with "yeah don't show it to Beauflow"- they said this at least three to four times. I of course feel like- ok- why? I am utterly confused and feel ostracized by now with how they have done this

• S/O looks at it and then puts it back in the envelope-

• I look at S/O and say "Are you serious?" I will admit I said this in a mean tone and I am sure look, this mainly due to I am already upset with this whole "Don't let Beauflow see!!" and now I am wondering wtf they just gave him.
• S/o gives the card to me and I read it- It is a simple dirty card which is like whatever- I am angered that they were like Don't let Beauflow see it - don't show it to her She'll get upset-. I am obviously out of the loop on something- and it is coming across to me as if they want him to cheat on me or something. This is due to it is upsetting that content of the card and how they are acting is like- Cheat on Beauflow- which is a message that I am getting hidden from his father right now. (The Card had a pretty blonde in a bikini and said something to the point of always have coconuts that don't hang and your tree stays up).

• By this Point- I don't want the damn cake- I am so angry with how I just have been treated and I feel like they are making fun of me in some sick joke as well, that I am about to bolt out, exploded with words or just break down and cry- Instead I sit and stair out the window- his Mother did ask me some BS question of like Do you like romance movies- and I was very sarcastic by this time towards them and said No- I am into other things. I can't think straight either due to my madness in my head.-
• My S/o has seen me like this- he knows I am furious- I am quiet due to I don't want to make a scene, i don't want to say something I regret and he takes me out side for a cig, he explains that Friday NIGHT (before we went over) he told his Dad he did not want a dirty card, he did make the excuse that I would get upset (which is partially true but not the total truth- he just did not want a dirty card as well due to some issues he has been having). S/o says to me that they are just ignorant; he told them he did not want a card like that and he really meant it. we go back in; I grab my bag- I am ready to leave.
• His mother hugs me before we leave and says "I love you!!" I say "yeah".... I am sorry to be this way, it is cold i know, but the actions of what they just have done shows me that they do not care about me- they could care less of my feelings, and they think it is fun to do which i just am not into
• In the car i say- I will be nothing more than an outsider to these people. S/O disagrees with that. He keeps asking why am I saying that. I just keep saying I will always be an out sider to these people and that if it was not obvious of what they did, i can't explain it.
• Of course S/o and I talk about this later Saturday night- I kept saying sarcastically that I was sorry that I was being over emotional to which S/o said I was not being overly emotional- he did/does understand of where I was coming from; he says it is fine if I don't want to see his parents for a while.
• To be honest this was a pretty bad fight for me- I locked myself in the bathroom and was getting my arms ready. he pounded on the door and I came out... In retro spec I wonder if he is just saying he sees my side due to he knows my urges for sui and this really hit me hard.

The only thing we disagree on right now is that S/O says his parents are ignorant BUT they don't mean to hurt anyone.

I, on the other hand, believe that them being ignorant is not an excuse and they are aiming to hurt or just don't care a flying "duck". Ignorance is a choice for people to be- and especially this type of ignorance of being asked not to do something, but then do, and make it worse with their actions.
Their actions have shown me they do not care about my feelings- which is true- S/O used the excuse I would get upset with such a card (even though not full truth that is what he told them), but they still gave it to him and made jack asses out of themselves.

I will be honest, yeah just by it self the card would had gotten to me a little, but It would had waited till we got home that I would mention anything to my S/O... But with how they acted is really the hitting point for me... the card just adds more to it.
I keep wondering what are their hidden message by their actions and this card to my S/O is there as well... I am obviously still upset with them and I do believe that is part of my emotional thinking but yet it is so logical at the same time too.

His mother did text me saying they did not mean to hurt anyone- then she texted S/O with- His Dad's humor is misunderstood-- If this is humor for him, to make fun of me, to exclude me, to encourage S/O to hide, lie, and perhaps go find coconuts that are better (but don't tell Beauflow!) Not only that but disregard what their own son has requested- they can just not be a part of my life-

I told my S/O i would not be going to their house any time soon; He could still go see them-- I told him I don't talk to peopel that make me feel like ****......

I can understand if no one really gets this- it could be a "had to be there" moments but I have tried best to discribed what happened from on my side of things.

My problem right now -- Is My S/O and i have made up- Sunday was a beautiful day and we made up and went to the mountains..... Monday I have thought more on this-- I have gotten to the point of believing they do not see us as a couple.


I feel married to this man, and in a good way- we have been together for 3 and half years. Yeah I have issues- I have flaws, and I can be a handful and we have disagreements but we talk and make up when we are calmer.

My Problem- lets get to- is that I just feel like writing a note or just talking to them- but it wont be nice- due to I will tell them that their ignorance is what has caused problems with their first born child and his wife, and now with me--

The problem with this also is that I may go a little to far and reveal things that my S/O has "hidden" from his parents....... I doubt it was hidden though- as I had mentioned a bit ago to my S/O that they were neglectful parents to him in ways-- He uses the excuse that i have nicely tried with my mother- They were overwhelmed.... I don't accept it.
I am sorry if this is harsh but for a Mom that is loving, taking care of her kids, and not to note the mood change, the behavior change, the bruises, the burns, the scratches; eventually scars--- (I find it hard to believe that it was covered so well by a 5-9 year old)..He even manifested migraines due to the abuse and stress,. Then he started to do hard drugs at 13, he left home by 15 and from what I was told from my S/O- they did not really care- they just let him leave; no help and just let him continue on the drug path that could had killed him..... he came back in his 20's after he had cleaned up for the most part but was lightly using-- still no help from them..... I think that is neglectful for a parent.. A 13 year old doing hard drugs and you are not getting them help; talking to them or what not.

My mom used to watch me come home, think I was od'ing and just let me "go to sleep" and wonder if I would wake up- (She told me that by the way)--- I know that is my story but it is similar to his and I can not just turn my head and say -- they were not that bad... It seems neglectful from what my S/O has told me- In addition he holds BLAME ALL OF IT- not his parents.... and yes with all that has happened recently- (MORE THAN What was this last saturday by the way but that is what is cutting the cake for me); He can't be honest with them as I have noted through the years- Everthing is fine- DOn't upset them with reality it seems like..



I am a little fed up- My problem is I feel like just screaming, I don't think I will be able to talk-- I could write with out going to far; but still what I have to write still they wont like due to it would be true.



How do I just let this go----- I know I need a therapist- i have never denied that-


I realize I wont get validation from these people- so why waste the energy with this anger with them right now.... I suppose time.. ranting on line, and writing may help.. idk though...

any thoughts that are positive that aren't "your so messed up" would be nice...

thanks in advance.

[bowhunt72]

I know it's not worth much, but no one else has responded. The only advice I can offer is from a relationship I was in that didn't work out. Her parents didn't like me, they didn't like my diagnosis or the fact that I was retired on disability because of it. I only met them once, but we decided to keep them and me far apart until it was time for a wedding. We agreed that it was normal and healthy for her to see her parents and sister (who agreed with the parents), and that I would be as supportive as possible when she got back. The relationship ended for other reasons, but that part worked out ok. Best of luck in yours - it sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

[missbelle]

I liked bowhunters comments. It is what I would have written probably. Yes You have to let this go and its hard I know. You have to make a daily effort to do this or it all will eat at you. I do think that they really meant nothing by that card and knew also which buttons of yours to push and you responded just as they had hoped.

Let your s/o go the next few tmes to see his parents, and you spend some time with your friends etc while he goes. Get a little time between you, and them before you see them again. Sometimes people jut don't click. Also they may not even be aware that they are not the Happy American Family.

Right now, as they say at AA, "They are renting space in your head" You got to kick them out!!

[Perna]

I would not get upset at someone else's parents giving their child a birthday card on their child's birthday. It is not about you. Perhaps if I had been your SO I would have complained about their giving him a type of card he asked not to receive on his birthday but it does not sound like he did that.

Too, that your SO used you as an "reason" not to be given a card like that is bad behavior on his part; he gets to send/receive any kind of card he wants for his own reasons; no one was giving you a card so what you like/do not like has nothing to do with anything. That they made a joke of "don't show beauflow", especially after your SO gave them the gratuitous, personal information about your likes and dislikes (instead of his own) is very rude but, fortunately, they are not your parents so you do not have to deal with them, they're your SO's problem all the way.

I would shrug and realize I don't like these people very much, don't ever want to hang out with them when I don't have to.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

I know it's not worth much, but no one else has responded. The only advice I can offer is from a relationship I was in that didn't work out. Her parents didn't like me, they didn't like my diagnosis or the fact that I was retired on disability because of it. I only met them once, but we decided to keep them and me far apart until it was time for a wedding. We agreed that it was normal and healthy for her to see her parents and sister (who agreed with the parents), and that I would be as supportive as possible when she got back. The relationship ended for other reasons, but that part worked out ok. Best of luck in yours - it sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

Bowhunt- thank you for sharing this with me.

It is unfortunate with the misunderstanding with DX's...

I wish there was more education out there for people and not such a stigma. People try their best- and to be honest- No one on earth is completely sane in my opinion.

I agree that my S/O should see his parents- I have dropped my parents and a few of my siblings-- I don't think anyone should be in that boat unless it is for one's self good-- Meaning not to use another as an excuse to not see their family as well as it is wrong in my opinion to make one distant to their family due to personal issues.

I may have crossed wires, I may not be of the norm, but I do understand that as you say too

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by missbelle

I liked bowhunters comments. It is what I would have written probably. Yes You have to let this go and its hard I know. You have to make a daily effort to do this or it all will eat at you. I do think that they really meant nothing by that card and knew also which buttons of yours to push and you responded just as they had hoped.

Let your s/o go the next few times to see his parents, and you spend some time with your friends etc while he goes. Get a little time between you, and them before you see them again. Sometimes people jut don't click. Also they may not even be aware that they are not the Happy American Family.

Right now, as they say at AA, "They are renting space in your head" You got to kick them out!!

Missbelle- you are so right with the quote from AA -

And you are right- I need to go out with a friend or do something outside when he goes to see his parents- I know me to well that I would get wrapped up if I just stayed home.

I think you are partially right with pushing buttons-

They have issues with their first son and his wife, and so much lack of communication and I know I don;t know the full story, but I think apart of them wants to see how I am with triggers-

Their first daughter in law- is upset, doesn't see them, and much more there than anyone else knows about.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would not get upset at someone else's parents giving their child a birthday card on their child's birthday. It is not about you.

Perna I get what you are saying but if others read that I am upset that they gave him a card-some re-reading needs to be done.
I know I mentioned in my post:

I will be honest, yeah just by it self the card would had gotten to me a little, but It would had waited till we got home that I would mention anything to my S/O

But that is due to to I do know myself well enough that even with the card I would had wondered what the hidden message would had been- but It Would Not have gotten me so upset and it would had waited till I got home with my S/O. It is the actions here that were done, that got me so upset.

Too, that your SO used you as an "reason" not to be given a card like that is bad behavior on his part; he gets to send/receive any kind of card he wants for his own reasons; no one was giving you a card so what you like/do not like has nothing to do with anything. That they made a joke of "don't show beauflow", especially after your SO gave them the gratuitous, personal information about your likes and dislikes (instead of his own) is very rude but, fortunately, they are not your parents so you do not have to deal with them, they're your SO's problem all the way.

I would shrug and realize I don't like these people very much, don't ever want to hang out with them when I don't have to.

Agreed-yes my S/O used me as an excuse after he said no himself- As well as gave them information on a dislike on me and they ended up using it in some what sort of a way against me/making a joke of it all or just lack of caring of my feelings anyways.

I talked again to my S/O this morning for this stuff is still bothersome to me- I told him to not use me as excuses of what he wants and do not want. I also asked that he please not give out my dislikes and likes on such personal things to them as well- (Perna you make good points with that and I agree; and I am trying to take steps to get that out there with my S/O).. I explained again on how I felt with it all and what it shows to me. Saturday all this was mentioned as well when we had our fight-As well as that his Parents did not know in ways that he too was hurt by the card due to he said he did not want it, along with the excuse with me, and they still did it with worse things to add- I doubt he will ever tell him on how he felt- I told him if he can't be honest with them of this sort of stuff or if they "look down on him for it" that is not right.

Last night I did thank him with being honest with me- this by showing me the card even though they were making a big deal and he could see I was already upset even before seeing the card.

SO- Maybe others will disagree with this but!
This evening I decided to text his parents to clear up on the why I am upset- I know a text is impersonal but the lack of communication with problems I have observed over the years with them and others; I just felt as if I needed to.
I.e Their Oldest Son and his wife there are problems all over the place but lack of communication with what they are have made it worse on both sides... I don't want that as well as I don't want my S/O to stop seeing his parents due to they and me have a conflict- I have always said- No One should be in my boat of not talking to their parents unless it is for true reasons to oneself.....Again back to not to use me as an excuse.

His mom has texted back with just nice things to say- It is sort of expected with her- which is all well and good. she texted me that they understand if I just want time alone due to this- so hopefully that is a good sign.

I feel better with getting it out there- I told my S/o I was going to text them and he did not like that idea but right now I really don't care- I told him the reason why was going to, was due to again lack of communication. I used the example that was not too long ago of what he has said to his parents, for his brother issues, and that did not come across to what his brother's issues really are, or they misunderstand my S/O when they talked- I don't need that right now- so I will just get it across.

BTW it was not mean- It was truthful in the sense of what my issues were with what happened- on my side of how I felt.

I hate conflict- i hate being triggered- i hate things like this.
I get to a point of thinking I am wrong to have emotions- which I know this probably goes all to my "PTSD" from childhood.

It is hard to communicate but I try my best with it.

[beauflow]

ya know I was about to ask is it wrong that i expressed my feelings---

then i see someone has put tags of "cultural mismatch and low brow humor"

really- is that how this seen?

[Perna]

Interesting tags. I can see how someone might look at it that way but I was going to point out, too, that it is just a card. You have decided to place a great deal of meaning in something that cost $1.25 and took as many seconds to pick out as consideration of its appropriateness was given? Look at how much time and emotional effort you have put into it. Is that how you want to spend your time and energy?

In a sense, his parents "won" this contest because they may have wanted a rise from you and boy, have they gotten it! Think about the alternatives; what if you had acted "clueless" and not noticed their asides of "don't tell beauflow"? Perhaps they would have been disappointed? I would have felt good/liberated by that and would have thought/felt I had gotten one over on them when they were the ones trying to get one over on me. We can't know their true motives as it does not sound like they are very self-aware, thoughtful, or sharing sorts of people.

Let go, beauflow; there are so many other, better battles to fight and things to understand? You can't get anything you want from these particular people. Maybe your boyfriend has learned something, maybe not. It might take several other conversations about several other situations, hopefully situations with more meat/"meaning" to them?

[unaluna]

the card was lowbrow humor. The cultural mismatch is between you and your s/o's parents - they do come off as lowbrow, lower class, ignorant, because of the way they acted after they were politely asked not to. Who buys that kind of card for their son? Why not a "for a loving son" card? And you beauflow, represent the other side of this cultural mismatch - I think that's a very good thing! At least your s/o's mother did try to make up when she said I love you, as you were leaving, and you accepted that and by texting you did keep the lines of communication open.

This is a great example of how something that was not cool, was actually worked out by talking all around. Awesome as ever, beauflow.

[beauflow]

No Perna my great deal of meaning is the actions they took- Not the damn card. the damn card has something to do with it ----
I am sorry that I also am aware that this has sprung up something of things my mother would do- take something I liked/disliked use it against me in some form to hurt me and to discard my feelings/emotions about it. Then to be ignored on an issue. <- I know many of you will read into that as if well she is just displacing things- no actually his mother has continued to do this with the dog issue as well- which Hankster is the only one that probably knows what I am talking about there. Get told that the dog was not that bad; basically it is my fault that he is gone and whatever else- I don't appreciate people telling me how to feel or that things were not that bad that they have no clue what the damn situation was due to they were not in it. They all knew that the dog nipped (not only once but a few times) at their grand daughter- and yet not that bad... This thing with the damn birthday dinner is just additional on top. As if they are trying to push me--- and yeah I guess they have won at that- And TO be Honest I DON"T GET IT=- the why on this- I don't get- If they don't like me they don't have to- I am not living with them, I am not joined to them- I am joined to their son. If they disapprove of us being together, that is really their issue and not ours.

In addition of them disregarding their Son's wishes- that is another action. He said he told them that he did not want the damn card and then used me as an excuse- I can understand that with people that arrogant that just do not listen- It could not be their son that would not want this thing that they find pleasure in- so let's push to blame it on the outsider.

Hankster I am trying my best to deal with this- To be honest I am not sure if it is worked out.. I had nightmears a day after this happened with past things, My emotions are out of wack with what the hell- and I am torn apart with what is right and what is wrong- Even at a point was thinking I was s h i t and that I deserve all this pain and treatment- but then pulled up and said bs on that. I tried to explain on what my issues where with this. And now after a day after I feel like a moron for doing so- It just gives them more amo to aim at me later if they choose to do so.

I am upset that my boyfriend is unable to be honest with them of this bothering him as well- Yes It bothers me more- but it bothered him as well with the whole thing due to they just did not listen.
So right now I am the only one that has show the upper hand of being honest with things.... but yet I do feel stomped on by doing it as well.

blah./

[Irreplaceable]

Well, I can say this. I have been in multiple situations where I have been uncomfortable around my mate's family. Not necessarily the same exact scenario as you posted, but I have been made to feel uncomfortable. At the time, the best thing for me to do was distance myself from them. And I will be honest, I still somewhat distance myself because I don't want to react to the things that they do. When he goes to visit, I keep my ***** at home. For the most part. If we go to visit his mom, I am cordial, respectful, but I ain't kissen *****. Lol. Seriously, I am respectful and I just lay low. Things have gotten somewhat better as time has passed. So, there is hope for you. The problem is, this is his family, so, to a certain degree, you have to be able to mingle with them.

Let me tell you this. What you went through, it could have been worse. I mean, me and my bf's family, it got a little intense to say the least. As I said, I backed off. I know me, I know my reactions, so I just laid low for awhile to keep the peace, keep my sanity, and keep my relationship. What you are going through, you need to realize that even though your bf may be accepting this now, it might start to wear on him. He might not want to keep hearing the talk about his parents. I guess everyone is different. Me and my bf's biggest arguments are over his friends and family. All of whom I feel he puts BEFORE me. The person who cooks, cleans, and takes care of him. Ok, not to make this too personal. But really, this could become a wedge between you two so do what you can to just try to let it go. Finances and family are two of the top reasons people break up.

What I did in my personal situation, is again, just laid low and realize that this is just how these people are. I don't like it, but I can't change it. If I have to accept him, I have to, to a degree, accept them. I wouldn't let them walk all over me. You did right by keeping your mouth closed as much as you could at the dinner table. Because it could have ended bad.

You have to understand that when it comes to men, sometimes they don't want to get in the middle of things/the situation. Your man is trying to keep the peace. That's what it sounds like. The fact that he hasn't told them how he feels could also be an indication that he is only saying it bothers him to pacify you. Then again, you know him better than me. Try to let it go as best as you can. If you keep bringing this up, it could become a rift in your relationship. Give things time. I know it's tough. I feel your pain. Good luck...

[beauflow]

Laying Low, being cordial, respectful--- I have done since first meeting his parents and sister due to my Significant other told me- Watch what I say just in general and about religion due to my views- I have- I have been quiet, even with things that they say that I disagree with-- I have just been like it is what they believe not me, and to which that is fine- I and my S/O even sit there quietly while they pray- due to he does not agree with their views either....

Hell even last Thanksgiving his mom wanted to make a big deal about us getting a turkey for our home and I just sat there quietly and eventually said- Well I just don't know why we got a turkey we just wanted one. They were cheap and we need meat at home.

The problem here- and I know many that read this think I am projecting but the simple fact of it is-
1) My boyfriend stopped drinking every night after we got together- His parents just accepted his addiction and did not say or do anything about it- He cleaned up from his meth and other drug uses on his own- not help from his family. The Good thing is with them is that they accepted him back after he cleaned up- that is a plus on their part.

2) That the inability of him being honest with his parents due to upsetting them in some sort of way- say the less that is something that has been going on since he was a child and it should be addressed.

I have a 32 year old man that is still a boy in a lot of ways- Some of these issues are from his parents; I never am saying he should just drop his parents but this "protecting them" is killing him- I see it every year as we live together.

To address the fact that perhaps he is just trying to tame me down by telling me of "they are just ignorant" and "it hurt me too" is being an enabler of just "telling me what i want to hear" which if that is the case our relationship will deteriorate over time due to dishonesty. The Truth may hurt at first but at least I am a person with over time I can digest it, (*To which I don't think is the case here, I saw how upset he was when we were alone due to they just did not listen to his request--).

Ya know I have been thinking on quote the quote: "Nobody can hurt me without my permission"
The permission is that we invest something into another/care about them. And when they hurt us either due to lack of care, consideration, insight, perception, or by willing consciously or subconsciously, or just don't get it--- we are hurt- why, due to we have tried to be those things for them, and they have not for us.... We have allowed to take that permission of trying to care of another and it has turned on us in away.

That is what happened here with his parents- I have tried best not to offend them with keeping my opinions to myself- Us taking in his sister's dog and doing what needed to be done since no one wanted to take care of the problem and even that is being turned against on me by his mom and sister with their "forgetfullness"...

As I have told him a while back we both need therapy for our issues- the thing is with therapy in the end it is oneself doing the problem solving and the work- The therapist there for advice, ways, and other insights that one may miss.... Since I can't afford therapy right nor can he- and we are both smart- the best thing to do is talk- which is something that he encourages me to do-

And May I add that it probably helps that he himself has about 4 years of Psychology on him too even if he does not remember all of what he studied.

sorry if this is a ramble all over the place just my thoughts right now on this.

[Rose76]

Over and over, I see evidence in your posts that your S.O. cares for you and that he and you have a pretty solid relationship.

I am amazed that such a decent guy came out of this screwball family.

They were definitely looking to push your buttons, I think. Or else, they are so unimaginative and starved for entertainment that doing what they did is a big kick to them. Of course, there is something majorly wrong with them. Will you always be an outsider to his family of origin? - Well, I hope so! If you get to where you can blend in with them just fine, then that's when I would think you have a bigger problem.

MAIN THING: Your S.O. did not pick out who his parents were going to be. He got stuck with them. He deals with that in the way that his mind thinks works for him. That really is his choice. If he is nice to you, and doesn't push you into being around them more than you want to be, then that he is fulfilling his obligation to you. What he does about his relationship with them and his history with them is really between him and them - to a large extent. I don't think you have any duty to be around these people "any time soon." Even your S.O, if I read right, doesn't seem to be pushing you to cozy up to these people.

Being an "outsider" to them, and not feeling like part of the family may reflect very well on you. This does not sound like a family that you want to be overly involved with. They are ignorant, or whatever, and how they are is probably going to be exactly the same in 20 years time. Maybe your S.O. does kind of whitewash the family dynamics, but he is doing what he needs to do to cope. It would not be wise for you to start writing them or texting them. They are mainly his problem. As the years go by, you and he might find that you do not spend a lot of time around them, and that might be a good thing.

As far as these folks of his not seeing you two as a couple, it could be because they would find it more entertaining if the two of you were at each other's throats all the time. Instead, you go to the mountains and have a nice time. How boring for the family - no grist for their mill. They would rather hear about some juicy gossip about one of you cheating on the other.

We all have dreams of how we would like families to be and those dreams get sadly shattered. I know. I am 28 years with a man, and his 3 kids really have nothing much to do with me. Once, I thought we would all love each other. The reality is not that. It hurts. I have to accept that they are who they are. When my S.O. has been critically ill (numerous times) they call me up and ask who is going to pay for his funeral and wouldn't it be best to have a cremation because that is cheaper. THIS when I am sleeping in the waiting room outside of ICU. I just throw that in to show I have been deeply wounded by treatment from family of S.O.

I really am routing for you and him to have your own life, as uninfected as possible by this toxic family. Maybe, I have said too much. Looking on from the outside never is the same as being in the middle of the situation - I know.

[beauflow]

Rose- thank you.

Yeah after cooling off from this trigger from them for me, along with the hurt of realization that this is not a family setting that I want to be a part of----- which hurts more than I think anyone may realize due to I had hoped it would be good. but it does come down to my S/O is good to me, and all I can do is do it for return for him. And that our relationship is our relationship and not theirs, and does not involve them.

As I had mention I did text his mom, the only reason was due to they seem to be clueless when things come up as a problem and I felt as if I owed it to them to let them know so they were not totally in the dark- his mom was nice- but I am not sure if she is just doing the thing with "let her hear what she wants to hear" due to she does do that... but it does not matter....

His sister continues (it is getting almost to a point if it was someone else I would say harrassing me due to 4 times I have explained about the dog now, and she just keeps asking and asking only ME by the way of what happened to the dog)--- I can't seem to just "ignore her" for that is what she is doing to me which for me that is another trigger and hurts so bad with the pain with the dog to begin with (don't get attached to things and can't believe people- long story on that but it is a reminder of it)-- Today- with the texts are the LAST time I am explaining and I have asked a 4th time now for my S/O to Please talk with his Sister on this-- I am not sure if she is just being mean or if she is having memory problems (that is not being mean she had a nero thing happen last month which I was finally told about last Sunday-- go figure) so I am keeping my calm with her at this moment.
After this though- I am going to take the advice of the T that I was seeing till last Feb-- No more dealings with his sister for me- we clash too much and the way she is I get triggered by or just disagree with, and just simple Hi and happy holidays to the extent.

I know he can not choose his parents or his family-- and to be honest we never went down every week, or even month to go see his parents-- As I was remembering how many times we have seen them, it is holiday's birthdays and a few times to say hi--- I see him keep his distant too but still love them- which if that is what works for him that is what works with him. He does this with his siter as well-- deal with her by not dealing with her, But the problem with that is her constantly bugging me on something that i have already explained well enough that a 5 year old would understand.

The only thing is, IF (due to he has done this in the past and I say whatever rather if we had plans or not)- If he just decides while we are out to go down to his parents with out talking to me and takes me down there- there will be an uproar Beauflow with him- But I think he understands that this hurt me so much with a lot of things and would rather just be distant.

The thing that I hate with this is that it was a trigger for me-- thoughts of not being able to trust again came out and I just hate that--- logical and emotional collide and they both seem logical.

It is sort of sad that his brother's wife sort of was trying to warn me about this, and I kept saying I don't see it fully but some what..... blah....


Hugs to you Rose- that is horrible for what his kids say- and while you are there with him through the think and thin... that is just wrong....

The only thing I can do with family right now is just make my own with my S/O-- I don't want kids but I have him... and to have one person is better than none..

Hugs to you too Irreplaceable I don't know if you are on mobile and see it... I was hot headed when I replied on this obviously- A trigger that i was unwilling to accept at the time.

[Rose76]

This quote, if it came up (I don't really know how to do quotes.), is an example of how - once you have time to process something - you come up with what I think is a really sensible conclusion.

[Rose76]

this is not a family setting that I want to be a part of----- which hurts more than I think anyone may realize due to I had hoped it would be good. but it does come down to my S/O is good to me, and all I can do is do it for return for him. And that our relationship is our relationship and not theirs, and does not involve them.

There! That is the quote I was referring to above. Maybe this will come out. ?

Finally, I did it right. First time.

Another think - I think I may realize something of what you mean when you say it "hurts more than I think anyone may realize due to I had hoped it would be good."

Maybe, like with me, your family of origin left you feeling like you never had the family-feeling you craved and that everyone needs. Maybe - like me - you hoped that when you found someone special, his family would embrace you and, finally, you would feel connected in the way that your heart yearned for. I'm only guessing. That's how it was for me. It didn't work out, at all, as I had hoped. Life is just sad, sometimes.

[beauflow]

Maybe, like with me, your family of origin left you feeling like you never had the family-feeling you craved and that everyone needs. Maybe - like me - you hoped that when you found someone special, his family would embrace you and, finally, you would feel connected in the way that your heart yearned for. I'm only guessing. That's how it was for me. It didn't work out, at all, as I had hoped. Life is just sad, sometimes.

yeah with my "family" i never really felt I had a family- I learned with friends at one point it is what you make of it- not what the blood tests show. Those are just genetics.

With his family I was always leery of the whole idea/hopeful thinking due to it is hopeful thinking-- in addition I never just expected to plop down and be part of a family - but at one point I did think- well these are nice people and I know me and I just take time to grow on people as they with me.... but with this all- 3 years of me still feeling leery with them and with recent events- I Don't think that is going to happen- perhaps it will maybe I am missing something, but right now I am doubtful with it. and it does hurt to *loose that little hope,-- But I have to remind myself- even if it is a two person family with love and caring-- it is better than a full family of people that just want to inflict pain on another or that "just don't get it" and everyone has to be fake with one another.

Just my take on life- others don't roll that way so I can see disagreement in that which is fine.

[Rose76]

But I have to remind myself- even if it is a two person family with love and caring-- it is better than a full family of people that just want to inflict pain on another or that "just don't get it" and everyone has to be fake with one another.

What I quoted above is what I would call one of the smartest, wisest things that I've seen on the forums. You do come to very sensible conclusions, after all is said and done, IMO.