[doggiedo]

I went camping with my bf last week and it didn't feel right. I kept feeling like he was short with me for no reason and I often felt stupid. I have talked to him about this before but he thinks I misinterpret what he is saying. On the flip side, he thinks I come across a little short too. Idk tho...

I felt like I just wanted time to chill by myself most of the week and felt obligated to talk and be engaged with him In conversation.

I also don't know if there is much there physically. Like I stated in posts before, he doesn't keep up with his hygiene as much as I would like. As a result I think that I contributes to me not being attracted to him.

Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially since my lease is up in aug and we were talking about moving in together. I think if i break things off he's going to think its bc I'm scared. Idk if I could move in with him- he's kinda messy and it gets on my nerves.

I need advice, desperately. I just don't think I'm happy

[unaluna]

a lease being up is not a good reason to move in together. please trust me on this one. or just watch a few episodes of judge judy. I sooooo wish I had broken up with the first mr hankster after a particularly bad camping trip. I tried, but he and my parents wouldn't let me (we were engaged and a big fat italian wedding was rolling down the hill). he was soooo inconsiderate of me on that trip. so freakin selfish.

[shezbut]

doggiedo,

This experience sounds like a major flashing light, warning you that your bf is not the one for you.

It is normal for couples to go through periods of time where we become a little short with each other, that's not unusual.

The warnings that I hear are you feeling obligated to talk with him, and you aren't attracted to him, he's kinda messy which gets on your nerves. Those are biggies! And they sure won't become less intense as time passes, they'll only become stronger.

I'd recommend sitting down with your bf and being honest. Tell him that you just don't feel that your relationship is working out. You don't feel emotionally connected to him. I know that it's a sad and scary thought to admit your lack of attraction, but it's really important.

Years ago, I was with a guy who was real nice. We got along well, we were attracted to one another, and talked about future even! Then, we tried camping together. That was the end ~ we both felt it ~ didn't talk all of the way home (3 hr drive) or kiss goodbye even. I think that camping tells you a lot about a person and whether or not you really could ever be committed to that person.

Best wishes to you!

[doggiedo]

Thx guys. We had actually been talking about moving in together before the lease thing so it's definitely going to come out of left field as far as he is concerned. He even texted me let night saying how much fun he had and how much he misses me now that we are back in the real world. I will not move in with I'm just because - I'm too smart for that. But I feel like I'm dragging out the inevitable...

[Confusedinomicon]

You've been posting for a while about how much he annoys you in various ways.

You've broken up with him one or two times. I know that you have complained about the hygiene thing and it hasn't gotten any better or I'd assume you would be more attracted to him.

I think you know that you want to break up with him, but you're afraid of being lonely. However, it's not good to settle for something subpar.

[doggiedo]

I'm sorry, I hate to complain. I just mean i really value your opinions. Other than my bf I don't really have anyone I can confide in or get feedback from. I great appreciate your advice and hope I don't come across as a whiner!

So I should do it then? He just posted on his blog ( he is a personal trainer) about how awesome and supportive I was during his half marathon on Sunday. It's like making me feel even worse about it all.

[dailyhealing]

I have a tendency to misinterpret what people are saying to me, especially my wife. This was a big problem when we first got together, and now that I have improved a bit in that area I see how much I didn't really trust her. And that was my issue. I guess my point is that perhaps you are misinterpreting what he is saying? Only you can know that.

That being said, everything else you have posted points to the fact that you do not want to stay in this relationship. You aren't particularly attracted to him. He doesn't really change his habits (hygiene). I assume you have talked to him about this? Also, I think I hear you saying that one reason you would stay together is because you would be lonely and without friends/support if you broke up with him. While I understand this feeling, it's doesn't change the fact that you seem to be done with this relationship.

It sounds to me like you do know what you want to do (break up) but are afraid to move forward with that. It is hard to do, but if you are done then you are done and would only be doing both of you a disservice by prolonging this. You even posted this earlier, that you feel like you are dragging out the inevitable.

And lastly, I certainly don't feel like anything you have said here is whining or complaining. Thanks for posting and I hope you will let us know how you are doing!

[doggiedo]

What do I say and when and how? Phone would e best I think since we live 1 hr away. He also has to work a double shift (police) and won't be home until 8pm tonight- making a very long day. I just hate to be the bearer of bad news. Just be straight and to the point? I don't honk it's working and I want to call it quits?

[dailyhealing]

It sounds like you have made up your mind that you want to end it? I think the best approach is always to be honest, though it is often the hardest approach. So if you are feeling like it just isn't working for you then just say that. I would anticipate that he would be surprised? And maybe ask some questions or try and talk you out of it? Not sure, but going in you probably want to be "prepared" for his response.

I personally feel in person is best, but if you feel safer or the need to do it on the phone that works also. I don't know all the dynamics that would help to make the decision about in person vs. the phone. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by doggiedo

What do I say and when and how?... Just be straight and to the point?

I can really relate to your difficulty in making this decision, doggiedo. It almost sounds as though you want someone else to take care of the entire interaction for you, because you're afraid of how he'll react. Is that accurate?

Btw, I have no problem reading & responding to your posts. I was once living with a bf, who I wasn't real attracted to emotionally or physically. What kept me in the relationship? Fear of being alone. I know that sounds kind of pathetic, but it's true. After 6 months or so, I finally got the courage to end the relationship.

I was in a panic about how he'd take the news. I was his "1st", he was "in love" with me. I was sure that he'd cry or Q me relentlessly. I was wrong. I just came straight out to J, and said that I wasn't happy. I wasn't in love and wanted the relationship to end. J stiffly said okay, and moved out. The end. If only I'd known it was going to be that easy!! I had been stressing out about this relationship for almost the entire time that we were together. It wasn't fun or comfortable, but it needed to be done for my emotional health.

The point is: Come straight out & be honest. The End. Be solid with your wording that this is the end. There is no future for you two. You're sorry if this hurts, but the relationship is now over.

[doggiedo]

It sounds like you have made up your mind that you want to end it?

I don't know. I truely don't. I think deep down I want to end it, but there is another piece of me that wants to wish it to be real. Maybe I should sleep on it one more night. I am talking to a friend of mine tonight (on the phone, even though she is traveling on business). She is the closest thing I have to a best friend. I just don't want her convincing me to do it if I'm not ready.

Shezbut - thanks, I wish this would go as easily as yours did. I have conveyed my confusion about the relationship in the past, and he has reacted in a vareity of different ways - terribly hurt, vowing never to date again, and also just wanting me to be happy whether it is with or without him. He's not violent or angry in which I would get scared. He would never touch me or anything like that. I just don't want him to say "oh, I'll try and change" and me fall for it. I don't want him to change for me. I just want it to work or for it to end. Does that make any sense?

I really appreciate your responses guys - keep them coming.

[dailyhealing]

I think sleeping on it is always a good idea! No need to rush, especially if you are still feeling a bit unclear. I find that most things become clear to me over time, if I am just patient enough to pay attention to how I'm feeling! I trust clarity will come for you also!

[Confusedinomicon]

It doesn't matter. You can still ask him to do things without changing him as a person. I ask my boyfriend to shower sometimes, and he gets a little pissy with me but he does it. He does his own dishes after he wakes up after I nagged about that.

I can make suggestions for my boyfriend to change his behaviors. I cannot ask him to change his personality. You have to make that judgement call of what you'd like to see changed in him and if it is possible for him to work with you on it. You can find out what he would like to see improvements in to.

Like, in retrospect, I know I have to get better at not nagging all the time about things and he has asked me to stop. I know it's a behavior I can work on and that we need to work on more effective communicating when it comes to getting stuff done.

I also think that you're probably depressed/need a med change? That would contribute to his complaint that you're being a little short.

I've also seen topics where you talk about being divorced for 2 years but still having some feelings for your ex. Maybe you don't feel right with this guy because you weren't ready to go into the relationship? I think you need a therapist who will work specifically on your feelings towards that termination of that relationship. I feel like part of you wonders what "you did wrong" or something like that and you should explore that feeling with someone who can help you find a satisfactory answer that allows you to take that step to move on, emotionally. I think it's important that you push yourself in therapy, even if it hurts so much you want to cry because you're rehashing old memories. You have to work through that hurt and see it for what it is...emotionally and rationally.

I wouldn't move in with him. Even if you don't break up with him, I don't think you're ready to live permanently with a man 24/7.

[doggiedo]

I guess I don't know if I'm being dramatic when it comes to the little things, like showering and keeping the house/apartment clean...sometimes I think life is too short to be bothered by such little stuff. Is that the stuff that will really matter in a few years? Nope. But, on the other hand, my mom says that if it bothers me now, it's only going to get worse down the road. I don't want to be the person who nags, you know?

How do you find a therapist that specializes in relationships? Right now I see a psychiatrist who handles my meds, and I also see a licensed social worker...but I haven't seen her in a few weeks and I don't have anything scheduled. I know a lot of places have like 1-3 month waiting periods before you can get a chance to see anyone, that is, if you are a new patient. In a way, I'd like to do that, but I don't want to wait that long. I agree, I feel like I didn't challenge myself enough with my counselor when talking about my ex. I feel like I have all this baggage.

Do I need a med change or is it just that I need to decide this and once I do I might feel better??? I don't know the answer to that. It's almost like they go hand-in-hand.

In terms of moving in with him, I don't want to, for sure. I realize that now, and espeically over the last few days of processing this stuff (and working it out on this discussion board). I am scared to tell him I'm not ready, especially since we've been dating for a year. He's going to think a.) I'm scared and b.) I'm never going to be ready. He very may well break it off with me. I feel like a chicken if I tell him I'm not ready.

Maybe I'm too old and jaded and set in my ways to live with someone or start a life with someone again. Idk. Maybe I have too high expectations for any man to meet and, essentially, won't be happy with anyone. At what point are you the person you are going to be, and there is no changing that?

[doggiedo]

I did it. I told him I need space among other things. He said I'm the one he wants, and he also said he knew this would happen- megetting cold feet. He questioned whether I am beig effected by goin back on anti depressants- maybe it makes me numb to all feeling. I told him that wasn't the case. At any rate I am takin time and not speaking with him. I figure in a week or so I will know if I miss him as a bf or a a friend. At least I will have my answer, right? I know he is devastated.

[shezbut]

Good job doggiedo!

I am sure that it wasn't easy for you to have that talk with him, but you did it! I am proud of you ~ stay strong.

[dailyhealing]

Ditto to what Shezbut said! Those conversations are so hard to have! I, too, am proud of your courage. I hope to keep hearing from you on here.