need help, but afraid from judgement

I’m very stuck on the complicated issue that is my so-called “love life”. However, I feel uncomfortable discussing it because of all the negative judgment that has been passed down, not to me, but the love I lost in the last year. Noone understands what he and I have gone through and thus, they have no right to judge him. I need help, but those judgments are absolutely heart-wrenching. That, and I don't know what to do to heal or recognize my current feelings. I can’t handle this heartache anymore.

Angyl, I'm sure I'm not alone in the desire to offer support but I'm not sure what you are seeking. Perhaps a bit more clarity on what we can do to be of help and support to you? Do you want advice? Do you want to just vent? A combo?

Sending hugs,

Anne

this is one place where you shouldn't be afraid of being judged. people will have opinions but chances are you'll find some support here.

Anne, I'm kind of asking myself the same question. I guess a little of both is what I need in addition to just basic support.
I guess I'll just bite the bullet and get it out, if I just get more of the same of what I've been getting, then I can always just take it down. Okay.
Two years, 2008 through the end of 2010, these were the happiest years that I can remember. I felt I was finally at peace with myself and felt complete with the man I loved. Just one complication: distance. I will tell you up front, he was the happiest, most outgoing, and most caring person. Nothing but honesty in him and respect. I've met a good number of his friends that I now consider as extensions of a family, they don't judge and they've always been so supportive. Same with his brother, like a brother I'd never had. Some of my friends got to know him too, one of which has the sharpest personality radar I've ever seen, and they were all equally supportive, felt that we were a match.
During the summer, before we started our relationship, Yousef (I'm changing all names for privacy, I won't use their real names here) got some bad news. In Egypt, his country (again, please no judging), every man of certain ages is subjected to being potentially chosen by lottery for mandatory military service - drafting whether at war or at peace. Of course, at first, he laughed it off, acted cool with it. I mean heck, 3 years as a Lieutenant? Must be an honor! No, he felt like he was being thrown into hell. He was absolutely terrified. And after what I've seen of the Mubarak regime before it ended, I'd be scared too.
Our relationship began that October. We were fully aware of what the risks were, and he did offer me a chance to walk away early on if I felt I couldn't do it, we felt we couldn't deny our feelings and that we wanted to take the risk.
Countless times, his date of departure for training was pushed back farther and farther, causing all kinds of frustration and stress. But it turned out to be a blessing, as a relative of his that worked with the recruiters was able to pull a few strings and reduce his rank, and thus his time in service: a soldier for only one year. One year. That was all we needed. We started planning out some options and while he was at the unit, I'd help look for different visa options with assistance of our friends. Later on, Yousef and a friend of his applied for a green card (which is done by lottery). He took risks while he was there by sneaking his phone with him into the unit and using it to come online to talk to me or to call me. Note, he was supposed to have gotten a vacation every one or two weeks to go home for a couple days, but they never let him go when they were supposed to. One particular time, they kept him for over a month. A full month with no word, I grew more and more worried by the day. One night, I was ranting to my best friend, begging to hear something from him, anything to tell me that he was okay. The next morning when I went to work, I found a voicemail on my phone - Yousef had gotten a chance to sneak somewhere and call me just to make sure I was okay and to tell me he missed me and loved me. I was about to break down crying in relief, I was so happy. Of course I had to keep myself together, as my shift in customer service was about to start and didn't want to make anyone upset if I was in pieces for any reason. The risk he took just to make sure I was okay...I can't even begin to express my feelings in that moment.
The countdown continued, and he was released a few days early, no longer obligated to government duties. We couldn't have been happier, and we felt we had grown so much stronger.
Our second anniversary came and went as we continued to weigh our options. But, there was something different about him. Depression was my theory, and it worried me. His friends and family all agree that he hasn't been the same since the military. Gone was the happy young man that could take on the world, especially for those he cared about, and standing there in his place was a man full of sorrow and questioning everything around him. A broken man.
It got to a point in which he was certain he'd never get out of Egypt, no matter what he tried, that he'd never be with the person he loved, with me. He made the one choice that he could only see in the dark, narrow tunnel he was in: to end it. He felt he could only end the pain by ending the relationship. I'd seen him cry before, but I've never seen him in the severity of anguish that he was in when he brought this up. I tried to talk him out of it, tried to reassure him that we were going to be okay and that we were getting help. I thought I was successful, but come shortly after the revolution against the government in Egypt, my world was shattered to pieces as I was proven wrong. Customary to his culture, if a couple is to court each other, they are to do so as an engaged couple for a while. If things don't work out, the engagement's off. Yousef got engaged. He proposed to someone he knew from work to force himself to get over me. I wasn't the only one caught by surprise, all of our friends and his family were shocked by his actions. The engagement wasn't very long either. Until last September, I held on to that one last scrap of hope I had left, that the engagement would be called off for one reason or another, that I would get him back. September 1st, it was over. Yousef was married and my last hope was gone.
I understand the difficult choice he made, but considering that a friend of ours and I had found a chance for us to be together and how much I loved him, the pain was unbearable. Never have I felt so lost and broken to such an extent before.
Fastforward to today. My heart still aches and I don't know how to heal. On top of that, there are...different feelings directed to someone else I've known about as long as I've known Yousef.
Hussain has had feelings for me for a long time, and respected the fact that I was at the time devoted to Yousef. He's always supported me in any situation, only wanting me to be happy. Now, I think I have the same feelings for him. The thing is, these feelings don't feel the same as when I was with Yousef. I feel so confused and lost. I want to heal and love, but I can't shake off this sadness and uncertainty that still clings to me. Hussain wants to do anything he can to make me happy because he loves me, he can't bear to see me upset. He's willing to leave home and start a life with me if that's what makes me happy. Yes, the distance factor is here too, different location though. I wasn't planning on this happening and I specifically told Hussain that I do not want another long distance relationship unless I can be sure that it will not end the same way it did with Yousef. Hussain understood and agrees with me on this matter.
Right now, he's doing everything he can to arrange for a visa for himself and a little time off of work to visit for a vacation to test the waters a bit, so to speak, rather than just jumping the gun. He told me the one way that would work for absolute certain, just requires an invitation of some sort from my end, but he insists that he exhaust every possibility on his end first and using the invitation as a last resort.
I thought that being in love with Hussain might feel the same way as it did with Yousef, but now my heart is making me confused and once again, speaking some language I can't understand.
Ya rab, what am I to do?? I just want to be happy again and to love again.
(Sorry for how long this is)

Angyl this sounds very complicated-- and many hugs to you in your pain with this all..

It sounds like "Yousef" was having a complicated time, and only he can explain to you why he did what he did if that is part of this pain-- with that being said (and I know with in myself with painful things with no answers- it comes down to this- either get an answer if I can, and If i can not I have to accept it) Now that is just me, and maybe it could work for you--- I have yet in years to fully do the accepting but in my heart i know it is something in the long run I will have to do for myself, since I can't get answers with certain things.....

With solders in war times, or even not, depression can be a huge factor. PTSD as well as well as other factors when they come back home- And it sounds like you had taken that as a factor- but the thing with that is, the person has to help themselves, others can support them as much as they can, but no one can make another do the healing process..... many hugs to him as well with this-

I did note at the end
I have only had one love in my life so far (*the other things of acceptance and stuff are deeper old issues with me, but I could see them apply to this due to I would imagine this be painful)---- But with that being said- If by the saddest of things happening of either I lost my love, I would not expect the next to be the same in every way.. It would be a new love in *many* ways *due to it would be a different person and they have different qualities that I have fell in love with*

best of luck and good thoughts your way

I don't really have much advice for you, I just wanted you to know I hear how painful this is for you and I wanted you to know that PC is a very supportive place. We can all feel your pain and send you as many warm, safe thoughts, support, and hugs that we can muster.

Long distance is hard. I did it with my husband when we were dating. But we never had to go through the extreme hurdles you had to endure. The only advice I can give is to echo was beauflow said. Also only having one love in my life, I don't know first hand, but I agree that each love feels different because no two couples are the same. Just because you don't feel the same way about Hussain doesn't mean you love him less. You might just love him differently. But LDRs are very expensive, so I would try to take some caution and not rush this in case this is just your rebound. I'm not saying it definitely will be or that it is, but just to be careful both with your heart and your money...

Please feel free to come here and reach out for support whenever you need it.

Angyl, my heart goes out to you. I hope this is helpful: every loving relationship will feel different because they are with different people. It's possible you will grow to love Hussein as you loved Yousef, but it will never feel exactly the same. Nothing feels as exhilarating as the First Love, at lesat that's my experience, but others may have different experiences. There's just something incredibly special about that first one. But love has kissed your life twice and many of us never get that wonderful second chance. Take your time, take it slow, be honest with Hussein and that's really the best you can do. If you want to be happy and loved, let yourself be happy and loved.

Sending hugs,
Anne

Thanks guys. Yes, Yousef was my first love and I know that relationships will be different with different people. What I meant was that on the one hand, I'm still not completely over Yousef, on the other hand I love Hussain and I'm very thankful for the love and support he's given me all this time. However, these feelings I have are clashing with each other and making it hard for me to emotionally move forward whereas I thought that if I were to have a second relationship if something happened between me and Yousef, there would be that same blissful euphoria that was there when I fell in love the first time. I don't know if this is partially because of depression or something, but I want to be able to move on and feel ready to devote my heart to someone rather than feel like I need to shield it all the time.
Beauflow, yes I'm positive that some form of PTSD may have had an effect on Yousef. He never was in combat or any sort of danger, but it was the military nonetheless, he was trained for combat, weapons and everything, he didn't want anything to do with it - I blame Mubarak and the regime he had in place for forcing young men to be drafted into the military, and I blame their military for taking him and triggering his pain. I also blame myself for not finding the options I'd found sooner and not fighting harder sooner to salvage what we had. But all I can do is ask, "why?"
RomanSunburn, I'm glad you and your husband were lucky enough to have overcome the distance. Yes, I know that the distance can cause money issues. Being a student, I took this factor into account very early on, sticking to tools like Facebook, Yahoo and MSN messengers and Skype, which have been very helpful and huge money savers.
Anne, you're right in that there's something about that first love that's just pure exhilaration. I just hope that if I'm lucky enough to have a future with Hussain, that I can be a better partner for him and I myself can be a better person as a whole.
How does one heal from something like this? How do I keep my feelings for Yousef from hindering my feelings for Hussain?
Thanks for your support guys, this is so much better than what others have said to me.

Okay, new recent development. Please don't think badly from this one, I just don't know what to do.
I was talking with Yousef's brother (I'll refer to him as Hakim here) again recently, like I normally do, and I found out that he's also developed feelings for me. How long he's had them, I haven't a clue, I didn't ask, but the feelings are there and once again, I'm confused as to where I feel in this whole situation. Too many thoughts and feelings conflicting with each other and it's making me crazy....
Trying to get over Yousef, being loved by two close friends and feeling some form of love for them both...what can I possibly do??
Why must these emotions be so complicated?? I don't know what to do
Ya Rab, please have mercy....

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. My thoughts go out to you.

In terms of figuring out what your feelings are now, I'm wondering if you have you met Yousef, Hakim, and Hussein in person? Have they been able to travel to you, or have you been able to travel to them? In my experience, being in person with someone really helps clarify how you feel about them. Also, do you feel ready to move on to a new romantic relationship, or are you still grieving the end of your relationship with Yousef? The only thing I would advise against is moving on too quickly, before you are really ready. Give yourself some time to heal. And, if and when you do feel that you want to pursue a relationship with a long-distance boyfriend again, I would encourage you to have at least a couple of in-person visits (like Hussein suggested) before you get too serious again. You want to make sure that you make a good couple in RL and that you are equally serious about one another before you fully invest your heart again. I wouldn't want to see you get hurt a second time, like you did with Yousef.

Best of luck!

Scorpiosis37, no, I have not been able to visit them or they visit me. That was the whole issue we had with Yousef - getting him here, even if just for a little bit. Had we been successful, I probably wouldn't be in this mess today.
I don't really know how I feel about this whole situation. I am still grieving from what happened with Yousef, but at the same time, I want to be able to move on and feel ready to devote my heart again. I just don't know how. I don't know how to heal or anything.... I haven't discussed this with Hakim yet like I did with Hussain, things were a little tense when this started. I hope I can talk about it with him at some point without hurting him.
My mother brought up the fact that she married my dad when she was 22 (I'll be 23 in October) and that as far as most cases go, I'm a little "behind". Also, as far as she and the rest of my family know, I've never dated in my life. My sister's in a steady relationship, I get a lot of couples getting married and or starting families that come in where I work and there are so many I see at school on a daily basis in addition to the many friends I have that are or will be getting married themselves and starting their own families - I'm happy for them, but for me, it's another twist at my heart and I don't know how much longer I can mask and just put up with the pain.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you

Saying that you're "behind" becuase she was married at 22 and you're not married/in a steady relationship by 22 is a bit off-base. A lot of couples get married TOO young-- before they really know who they are-- and later get divorced as a result. There is something to be said for being a mature and independent adult before rushing into marriage.

However, I am wondering why you haven't told your mom about Yousef? Or anyone else you dated? If you did feel seriously about Yousef, why not tell your mom about him? Usually, people only hide relationships from family/friends if they think there IS something to hide-- i.e. that there is something "wrong" about the relationship. Usually, it is not just that they fear the other person will be judgemental, but that they themselves feel uncomfortable with some aspect of the relationship. Also, since you said your mom doesn't think you've ever dated anyone, have you dated other guys before Yousef? Have you only dated guys long-distance, or have you also had boyfriends in your hometown? Have you had boyfriends that you've been able to hug, kiss, etc? If you've primarily dated guys long-distance, is there a reason for that? Is it more difficult for you to talk or get close to someone in person vs. online? There are a lot of people who feel that way, but that may be symptomatic of something like a fear of intimacy, or social anxiety, or something else that just goes beyond just the "bad luck" of falling for someone who doesn't live near you. If things didn't work out with either Hakim or Hassein, would you be open to dating someone who lived in your area, so you wouldn't have to deal with the long-distance issue again? That might help prevent you from getting hurt again if visas, etc. don't work out.

I know a lot of people get married when they're really young, some of my old schoolmates have done that and also have kids of their own. I never intended to be one of those that got married in a hurry, but I do want to eventually get married and have a family of my own, preferably before the bio-clock says that it's unsafe for me to have kids. Mom said she was cool with whenever or if I ever get married, just that I'm a different case from the norm, I guess.
The reason I did not tell my family about Yousef is not because there was something wrong with us, but because I knew that my family would not trust him if they did not meet him in person and would make things a lot more stressful for us than they already were. I mean, think about it; how would you react if your daughter came to you and said that she was dating a man from the middle east online, given the circumstances today? My family doesn't mind me having friends from there if I've met them in person, like through school or something, but other than that, my family would probably forbid our relationship and not give him a chance. What we felt was right was to see how things went between us for a little while, let him get through the stress of the military and after getting here, they could get to know him as a person rather than based on today's stereotypes...or at least that was the idea before things went south. Keeping it secret was for our own protection emotionally. I discussed this with my best friends when this all started, and they agreed that that was probably the best route to follow.
Yousef was my first love, never dated anyone before him or after him - no one expressed interest in me before him and any crushes I had were simply that, crushes (some of them I found out the guy already had a girlfriend later too). In addition, people that did express an "interest" in me here, locally, just wanted to take me to his bed and that was it. As far as in the future, if things don't work with either Hussain or Hakim, doesn't matter how I meet someone or where he's from - if he loves me as I am, then that's the kind of person I want to be with. No particular reason for online vs. locally, he loved me and I loved him in return; isn't that what really matters for a relationship? I just want to understand what my feelings are and be able to love again.

I got to talk to Hussain a little bit yesterday afternoon, but got some sad news - I asked him if there were any updates with getting a visa, and he told me it did not work, an invitation is now our only option. As far as I'm aware, this can only be done through his country's embassy, and the closest one I found is in Los Angeles, which is pretty far from me and I can't drive.
Now, one of my friends from abroad is now living in Los Angeles, so he may be able to help, but I haven't discussed it with him yet. Hussain and I didn't really talk about our options yet anyway because he was so tired (with it being Ramadan right now, he has to wake up really early in the morning to pray and eat before the fast starts for the day). We should be able to go over our options sometime today, hopefully.

Okay, I need a quick rant.

Friday afternoon, I sent an email to the consulate of Hussain's country to inquire about what's needed for an invitation, and after waiting for four days (which felt like four weeks), I get a reply saying, "We kindly ask you to check the requirements on the website of the U.S. Embassy in *insert Hussain's location*." Nothing else. Not even a link for the website they told me to check.

So I replied, "Would it be possible for someone to provide me with this website? Because I have not been able to find anything anywhere that has provided the information I need, which is why I emailed you."

Of course, as I'm writing out my response, what I'm really thinking is, "If I knew where to get this information, I never would have emailed you in the first place!" I mean, seriously, if you're going to tell me to check someplace else, at least do me the courtesy of telling me where to go to find what I'm looking for! Not "go here, have a nice day". They'd better not take another four days this time, or I am not going to be a happy girl.

I know you are going through some tough times, but always remember that you are not alone, you are not the only one going through tough times. PsychCentral is a safe place and we do not judge others here.

You have my support if you want to send a PM.

Hussain sounds like a very understanding individual. He sounds like he he has some good qualities. It may be something worth pursuing. As for Yousefs brother. That is a noble gesture. To take interest in your brothers almost wife. It may be just that. A friendship that is a little more on the romantic side due to his Hakim position with his brother. Is he, Hakim obligated to take care of you if you were to have been Yousefs wife and it didn't fair so well. Even if this is not the case imagine the difficulties of being near Yousef because you are seeing his brother. In this country that is a little tabo. But I don't know how that is seen in other countries. Hussain sounds like a very good and honest friend. You can learn to love him for who he is, and he already has knowledge of the life you and yousef led together. I wouldn't worry about not being married at your age. It's better to wait and marry the right person then to rush and be stuck with the wrong person forever because you wanted to fit in the norm of things.

I think Big Mama gave good advice.

I know things must be hard for you right now. It's not fair to you that you lost Yousef because of something that was absolutely out of your control. But I think ultimately the best thing you can do for yourself is spend a little time trying to get over Yousef a little more completely, you know? I know how much easier said than done that is, believe me I do. But it's not fair to you and whoever you decide to have a relationship with if you're still haunted by Yousef's figurative ghost in your heart. I don't think, given how sudden and how harsh his loss was to you, that it's possible to have gained any sense of closure with it. I know at the very least I wouldn't have. Time, I think, will help heal that wound.

I wish I could help you more with the embassy and immigration laws with Hussein, but that's outside my realm of knowledge, even as a prelaw major. Frankly, they're a mess at best. I do share your outrage over how generally unhelpful they seem to be though. :/

Also, for what it's worth, I understand entirely what you mean about being hesitant to tell about online relationships. I have been in 3, and each time it was always an awkward affair telling my mom. I love my mom to death, and we have a great relationship, but I couldn't help but sense her dissatisfaction through the smile. I think, though, that it's ultimately for the best to be upfront with your parents about it. Honestly typically is the best policy, cliche as that is.

I hope I was of some help, and I hope things work out for you.

PS: Do pardon my curiosity, but it caught my eye and I had to ask. What does Ya Rab mean?

Thanks guys, sorry for taking so long to respond.

Big Mama, I also thought about this taboo and that’s partially what made me feel confused. Anyway, Hakim and I haven’t really approached the subject in quite a while, so there haven’t really been any new developments with him. It’s not being unmarried that concerns me, but not finding love or being separated from someone I love is. Not because I want to “fit in”, but because it’s what I want. I want to feel complete and I want to find the person I want to spend my life with.

Harley, I agree with you; I feel I do need to get over Yousef first so if or when I am in another relationship, I can focus on him completely and not on my past. The catch is, I don’t know how. With Yousef being my first love, this is my first real heartbreak and I have no idea how to heal or get over him. I thought maybe it would go away on its own; just fade like a mist or something. But it didn’t. I thought I would be over him by now, but I’m not. I’ve been told by others that I should hate him for the choice he made, but I can’t. I can’t forget him, I can’t get over him, I can’t hate him, nothing. I feel like I should be over him by now, but it won’t subside, even after how long it’s been. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever heal or gain any closure at all.

I wish I could tell my parents about my love interests, but considering the myths and misconceptions being spread in the media and the fact that that’s all they see, they won’t trust anyone from there unless they meet them in person first. So knowing my family, for my own sake, I can’t tell them I’m interested in someone abroad until he’s here.

I have a few new updates; some good news and some news I don’t know how to feel about.

The good news, Hussain and I are exploring the possibility of him coming here on a student visa. I sent an email to my school requesting information on being an international student, provided both of our emails, and got a response back. Next, he'll talk with a friend of his for advice on how to get the process going with what we have and what we may need.

The other news, I don’t know what I should feel, but it made me feel very sad for most of the day. I found out that Yousef now has a newborn son. Yes, I know I should be happy for him and all that, but I still can’t help but feel sad from it. Yes, I know the door to him is now long closed and locked, but I still feel a strong bond to him and can’t help but think that at a time, I could have been the mother of his child, not someone else.

How can I heal from this pain and move on with my life?

PS Harley - "ya rab" is Arabic, meaning "oh lord".

Almost forgot to ask - how can one tell the difference between rebounding and genuine feelings for someone new? I don't think I'm rebounding with Hussain, and I'm hoping I'm not, but since I don't know the difference, I thought I should ask.

Thanks again.

Ah Amal...lol if only I knew the answer as to how. When I first posted, I was 2 months and 12 days coming off of a break up from an online relationship that retrospect tells me time and time again was with a girl who was absolutely toxic. 8 months after the fact, I still feel a pang or two for her.

The best I can offer is to remind yourself that everything happens for a reason, and that while he may be your first love, the end of that does not mean love is gone for you. Our first love is usually incredibly intense, and the loss of that hurts. But time does heal...slowly, sometimes painfully so, but it does heal. You have to, as hard as it is and as abstract as the advice I'm offering is, try to simply let what you had for Yousef go. I know how much easier said than done that is, but that is usually what it takes. I am sorry I cannot offer more concrete advice for you.

On the flip side, I am happy to hear there's a chance with you and Hussain. I think the largest difference between rebound feelings and genuine ones is time...genuine endures, while rebound fades. Of course, the catch to that is that the ability to discern between the two requires you to be in a sort of "neutral" state...still feeling attached to Yousef might feed what you feel towards Hussain with Hussain serving as a sort of surrogate for Yousef. That is, of course, only a possibility. I only cover it to try to cover all the possible bases.

Lastly, and only to clarify, Mama wasn't, I don't think, insinuating that you were in love only to fit in. I think she was more concerned that you might want that completeness to the point of potentially rushing. Not judging at all there, and again, only covering all angles (lol I can't judge you on that, even if I tried...God knows, that's one of my largest faults. I'm guilty of that time and time again ). I think her point was to say not to focus on it so much (which everyone does, I believe...ultimately, everyone wants that "completeness" almost more than anything on this earth) that you might miss out on what life may offer.

I hope I was of some help, and I hope I didn't insinuate anything I wasn't trying to. I always try to hit every possible perspective in matters like this.

If I can do anything for you, don't hesitate for a second to PM me. I'll respond as soon as I can.

Hugs, and all my best,
Harley

PS: Thank you for the translation. I love picking up bits of foreign languages like that.