Husband left me at 8 months pregnant...why?

Aug 21, 2012, 11:07 PM

((((AI)))) also thinking of you and checking in xx
Rose

anon61514 · 03:42 PM

Hope you are well and doing fine

Aug 23, 2012, 03:23 PM

This is really disturbing. It is really strange in that he actually had sex with you and then decided to tell you he wanted out of the marriage. I am so sorry to hear of this. There is so little commitment by people today it's so easy to get out of a marriage that any sign of trouble and one leaves. Any ebbing of the "happiness" or feelings of "love" and people think that this is an excuse or reason to divorce. It's not. I don't know how smooth or turbulent your marriage was but in any case, it should have been for better or worse (to a point, excluding of course, abuse). I was married 6 years the first time, my first wife cheated and then decided to leave when she was caught. My wife now is divorcing me because she simply doesn't want to be with me anymore, so I completely understand your feelings. My 2nd marriage was turbulent but at no such time was divorce an option in my mind.

You need a committed man to be married to. One that will stick around, but i'm not saying go out and find one, I'm just saying your husband isn't it. Clearly he wants to be free again. Probably because he's young still - not that it's a good reason, it just probably is part of it.

You do need to file. File for the divorce before he does and make sure he is held accountable to take care of the child, first, and second, since he left you - kicked you out with no means of supporting yourself, in most states this is grounds for alimony too. Fact is I don't like alimony in most cases but in yours, I think it's an exception. In fact, in my state (NC) it's called spousal support and it's usually for that specific reason, a wife that has no means to support herself at the time, and is usualy for a limited time. he needs to step up to the plate and take care of you financially until you can do it yourself - this is in addition to the child support!

Let him go, but don't let him off the hook. If he fights it, he's truly not much of a man in the first place and you deserve better. *hugs*

smilehopeandlive · Aug 25, 2012, 09:10 AM

[quote=AbandonmentIssues;2456278]My meeting with him about the divorce and parenting plan is tomorrow...I am so dreading it.

He hasn't offered me any help or money in the past month I have been gone from his life...

Would it be fair if I took the car from him since I need one? It was a graduation gift from my grandparents, but stupid me decided to put both of our names on it because I thought "well hey, he is my husband, he's not gonna leave"...but he made me leave and he still has it. I feel as if that car is rightfully mine.

This is a big mess. I don't know why but I am scared of his reaction. So far he has been indifferent and whenever we talked(which wasn't alot) he tried to act supportive and act like "the good guy" who was doing us both a favor by leaving...telling me he wants me to move on with my life and sorry it didn't work out.

--Which i dont know if he is just saying that stuff to make himself feel better or what--

But after this meeting...I wonder what he is going to be like?[

GET THE CAR BABY ITS YOURS! RIGHTFULLY!

AbandonmentIssues · Oct 11, 2012, 05:31 AM

His dad died. He was sick and I knew it was going to happen but...that doesnt make it any less sad. Didn't get to go the funeral because I emailed him to ask if I could go...and he never replied, so I assumed it was a no.

A week later:

Had the baby, and we both almost died in labor.

Baby and I are fine now.

My "husband" hugged me and held me hand once during labor, but he kept leaving the hospital( even his brother was like, "dude, shouldn't you stay with your wife?".

He even gave me a kiss.

After the birth and everything, He came to visit her and he called every day to check on the baby.

After 2 weeks or so, I asked him if he still wanted a divorce, and he said he didnt know.

Didnt hear from him after that.

Had a face to face conversation a week later...told me he didnt know what he wanted and held me. Left and told me he would call me later. Never did.

Then a couple days later he took me and baby to his mothers birthday party.

Ignored us the whole time.

Then, on the way back to my place, he asked how much divorce was. I was a little shocked since just a couple days prior it seemed like he wanted to try to work things out. So naturally, I got upset/disappointed and told me that I was harassing him and that "We just arent good for eachother" and that he "doesnt want me". Then he left me in the driveway crying.

2 weeks came and went with no contact from him whatsoever.

He showed up to see the baby but brought his mother along with him. (I guess because he didnt want to be alone with me) He didnt say a word to me, then left without saying a work to me.

It's been 2 weeks since then, and no contact. HE tried to call once but I was out of town and he never left a message or tried again. (Turned out he wanted to come visit the baby that day, but I was out of town with the baby visiting with family)

--I wasn't out of town on purpose...its just that the agreement was that he had to give me a few days notice if he was coming over to see her and he could see her as much as he wanted, he just had to let me know when he got his schedule.--

I just dont know, he went from kind of affectionate and always wanting to check on the baby to...no contact whatsoever. His mother sees the baby more than he does and apparently he just gives her boxes of my stuff for HER to drop off at my house.

I just hate him and I still love him at the same time.

Hetty · Oct 16, 2012, 10:00 PM

I'm glad to see an update from you, and congratulations on your baby girl! I'm so happy that you are both OK. How is it going with her? Who is helping you?

For loving and hating someone at the same time, that actually happens often with people - it's even called having a love/hate relationship. For one thing, when someone gives you something you need so deeply, you feel love, comfort, promise fulfillment, hope, gratitude; and when they take it away after you believed in it, it hurts! You doubt him, life, and yourself when that happens. With him, it sounds like he is really jerking your feelings around by being so inconsistent and not giving you anything reliable to count on.

I know what it feels like not to want to let go of someone, for whatever reason, even though they are treating you badly. One thing I've done in the past is switch my focus to trying to get interested in other things, to make new contacts, work on projects. I agree that he is most likely not going to change - his issues run too deep, and he seems very self-involved, with little sensitivity to what you are going through. I have had a number of relationships where I thought I could love the other person into being well and happy, and I have to say they didn't go well. It's just not that simple.

I hope you will keep being strong and building your own life and other relationships, regardless of what he does. Thank you for posting; I've been wondering how you were doing.

AbandonmentIssues · 04:35 PM

Hello everyone,

Updating

My soon to be ex husband drug my heart around for awhile then we finally quit communicating all together. He comes and visits his daughter 6 hours a month, if that. He is very self absorbed.

I will be filing for divorce, after being separated for almost 8 months. Even though he wanted it and I didn't.

I am done. I can no longer torture myself and I can no longer wait for him to revert back to the man I married, or thought I married.

My daughter and I deserve better.

I am doing well. I am in counseling, I have a new job at a hospital(nursing), I exercise every day(kickboxing, yoga, etc) and have lost 15 pounds, am taking skydiving lessons, and I have planned myself a vacation across country for this summer.

Baby is doing great. She talks and she is crawling now. She drinks from a sippy cup and loves baby food. She is 5 months old.

I decided it was either get busy living or get busy dying. And by waiting for this guy, even though I was head over heels crazy for him, I was dying.

I want to thank everyone for their advice, kind words,and perspectives.

I'll be hanging around here and updating whenever I can.

RiotOfWords · Feb 13, 2013, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AbandonmentIssues

Background info: My husband and I got married in 2010, I was 18 and he was 19. He proposed to me and chose the date(I didn't want to pressure him, I wanted him to decide when he wanted to marry, because I understood that we were young.) We were together since high school. I was his first serious relationship and we married eachother as virgins.

**Present day: He is 21 and I am 20**

We bought a house, then got married. Life was bliss, for about a year as expected...but we were going to college and he was working (I couldn't work due to a very demanding class schedule and he understood, so I did all I could to take are of the home/chores and cooking to make up for not bringing money in)

We decided to try for a baby( I know I know, soon, but we thought we were ready(atleast I thought, I really dont know what he was thinking, looking back at it now). We wanted children, and we had discussed it over and over and even changed our minds a couple of times. We werent in the best situation for a baby(We had money(not alot of course, but enough) and the room, and we had a plan, which I think is the best that anyone could do). So we tried for months...finally on the 4th month(last Nov.) we had conceived.

We were very happy and excited, planning the baby and all. I had problems with my back during this pregnancy so I was ordered not to do much(my joints were relaxing way too much and causing my pelvis to spread farther then it should, causing immense pain) so I tried to do most of the housework, but some days I just couldnt get it all done.
.

--All the while telling me that he was unhappy but he didnt know why, I was doing everything he asked of me, and he didnt want to leave me...but he still didnt know why he wasnt happy.--

Well, 2 weeks ago, we woke up one morning. Normal day, he initiated sex and it was one of the most passionate sessions we had in a while. He went to work, called me on his lunch break for a minute, then when he got off work (it was late) he called me to tell me he was coming home and that he loved me.

Well he came into the bedroom where I was and I gave him hug, he asked if we could talk. Sure, I said.

Well. Then he dropped the bomb.

Basically he told me he doesnt love me anymore. That he just doesnt feel it. He didnt really know why, but thats what he felt. HE wanted a divorce. HE just didnt want me anymore. Romantically we were done. He tried to hug me and comfort me but I was just too shocked to really...react. I was eerily calm, asked him if it was anyone else. HE told me there was noone and that he was completely faithful. He gave me his wedding ring. He asked me to take me to my parents.(Basically kicking me out)

I broke down while packing my stuff...called my mother to pick me up because I couldnt bear the thought of sitting in a car with him taking me home.

He locked himself in the bedroom while I waited for my mother in the kitchen. I was sobbing.

t's been almost 3 weeks, he doesnt contact me. The only time he called was when he told me he was dropping some of my stuff off at my parents house. The first stuff he packed was all of our wedding photos(because "we are done now") and he brought me all of my clothes.

His family has no idea why this is happening. I have no idea why(except for the "I dont love you"). I am giving birth in a matter of weeks. HE left me with no job, no home, no money(and he hasn't offered any), no vehicle, nothing.

I knew he was unhappy, but he told me I wasn't the problem and that he wanted this baby(our daughter). So why is he leaving me? Why have sex with me then dump me the same day? Why take me shopping for the month if he was going to get rid of me?

So many whys.

I dont think he is coming back. He is very indifferent, very dead behind the eyes. He is also adding many( I mean many, like more than 10) different strange women on facebook...most of which are very pretty and I cant compete with.

Any ideas on why he left? Should I file and give him what he wants? What should I file?? I dont want this, I want my family, I want him back...but I dont have any control. (Why do I want him back?)

I also know I wasnt a saint...but I did my best I thought, Id do anything for him and our marriage. I care for him so much, there were days where we didnt have much food and I would go without eating so he could. I appreciated him so much and always let him know. It seemed like the more I built his self confidence, the more he tore mine down in the end.

I am weeks before birth...what do I do? Will he ever come back?

How do I get over this man?

can't... BEGIN to imagine what you're going through.... I have three kids.. two with a long term 7 year relationship and 1 with a 2 year relationship.. not with either of the dads... they never left while I was pregnant though... There's a 16 pages here so I know you've gotten some decent advice... but.. my god, I just..no one should leave you feeling empty... feeling not good enough... you didn't.. DO anything... it's all his reasons and choices... You can make your own decisions obviously.. but.. be weary of the fact that when you do start to move on and feel good again, feel normal... especially if you eventually start dating.... he may just come crawling right back.... be careful..there's SO many people in this world and father of your child or not, you shouldn't be allowing it to eat you up inside... because you'll find someone that doesn't make you feel that way.. and I have THREE kids and I've found plenty of people who want to date me.. trust me, it can get better.

RiotOfWords · Feb 13, 2013, 04:46 PM

I just realized you updated.. but.. yeah... GOOD for you....you should be so incredibly proud of being so strong. At least you know your own worth! Lots of people sadly, don't.

seeker1950 · Feb 13, 2013, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AbandonmentIssues

Hello everyone,

Updating

My soon to be ex husband drug my heart around for awhile then we finally quit communicating all together. He comes and visits his daughter 6 hours a month, if that. He is very self absorbed.

I will be filing for divorce, after being separated for almost 8 months. Even though he wanted it and I didn't.

I am done. I can no longer torture myself and I can no longer wait for him to revert back to the man I married, or thought I married.

My daughter and I deserve better.

I am doing well. I am in counseling, I have a new job at a hospital(nursing), I exercise every day(kickboxing, yoga, etc) and have lost 15 pounds, am taking skydiving lessons, and I have planned myself a vacation across country for this summer.

Baby is doing great. She talks and she is crawling now. She drinks from a sippy cup and loves baby food. She is 5 months old.

I decided it was either get busy living or get busy dying. And by waiting for this guy, even though I was head over heels crazy for him, I was dying.

I want to thank everyone for their advice, kind words,and perspectives.

I'll be hanging around here and updating whenever I can.

WOW! OH, WOW, is all I can say! What a blessing that you are moving on with your life. This is so inspiring! Thank you for updating us on your evolution as a mother and a strong woman!
Love,
Patty

avlady · Feb 13, 2013, 05:57 PM

I am just writing to tell you i read your story in this post. I hope everything can be worked out between you two. in my case my ex fiance cheated on me when i was pregnant in my 7th month, looking back i should have left him then but forgave him, i really had no choice at the time moneywise, i stayed 2 more years and things just got worse with a baby to take care of with little help from my fiance we lived together first never got married as i left after he punched me in the head which knocked some sence into me, he was also an alcholic the signs were all there. i hope for your sake and your baby's you make the right decision.follow your gut feeling, it could be scarry in your situation, but you have to decide, waiting for someone isn't easy i will pray you and your family.

seeker1950 · Feb 13, 2013, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avlady

I am just writing to tell you i read your story in this post. I hope everything can be worked out between you two. in my case my ex fiance cheated on me when i was pregnant in my 7th month, looking back i should have left him then but forgave him, i really had no choice at the time moneywise, i stayed 2 more years and things just got worse with a baby to take care of with little help from my fiance we lived together first never got married as i left after he punched me in the head which knocked some sence into me, he was also an alcholic the signs were all there. i hope for your sake and your baby's you make the right decision.follow your gut feeling, it could be scarry in your situation, but you have to decide, waiting for someone isn't easy i will pray you and your family.

I just have to say, pardon me...but don't encourage her to parlay with this excuse of a husband and father. He has shown his true colors and is not available to her. She's moving on, and she is strong now!

jcl76 · Feb 13, 2013, 07:17 PM

Went back and read your thread. I am glad it sounds like you are doing a LOT better. Awesome you are staying active!

P.S - I have skydived for 6 years now! Blue skies! Keep it going! Best sport out there. Brings a lot of peace to your life and everyone around are really great people to know in the skydive community.

shezbut · Feb 13, 2013, 07:25 PM

It's wonderful to hear your update!!

I am happy to read that you've decided to move along in your life, with your happy & healthy baby girl

, rather than waiting for your ex to snap out of it. It is a shame for him ~ he had a really special family growing. But, you've certainly waited and tried more than enough.

This is such a fun time with babies too! I remember and cherish that time of motherhood ~ they're so sweet and inquisitive. It gets even better as they start walking, they do move fast!

Thank you very much for sharing!!

Open Eyes · Feb 13, 2013, 07:35 PM

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have done alot of growing up and are doing better and are getting back on track with your life.

Keep us posted, congratulations on your daughter, show her that her mother can be strong inspite of the bad that can happen and she will be ok.

(((Hugs))))

Trippin2.0 · Feb 13, 2013, 11:29 PM

I was thinking about you recently, hoping for an update

So glad to hear you're moving forward with a positive attitude, you and your princess deserve MUCH better than what you have been offered by baby-daddy.

So happy that you sound stronger, confident and positive, you've come a long way, and I hope you recognize that and are proud of yourself

Thanks so much for checking in with us

eskielover · Feb 15, 2013, 12:28 AM

Thanks for the update.....congratulations on the positive, strong choices you have made with your life....very proud of you....& I know that your daughter in the years to come will have a LOT OF RESPECT for the choices you have made & the strong direction you have gone in. You have a lot to be proud about in your strength & the maturity that you have grown into.....good job.

Hetty · Feb 23, 2013, 07:01 PM

Wonderful to hear from you again.

I'm so glad that you are moving ahead and having good experiences with your baby! I've been checking back from time to time in case you gave an update. Looking forward to more news and hearing how things go for you. Congratulations to you on letting go of a dream that wasn't working. It's hard to do, but the other way would have been just more struggle and pain. Wishing you happier days ahead..

Harley47 · Feb 24, 2013, 06:44 AM

Thank you so much for the update...I am ecstatic to hear you are doing so well.

And good for you...truly, good for you.

You've come so far in such a short time, and your outlook on this is truly admirable.

For what it's worth, I'm incredibly proud of you.

Wishing you and your baby all of the best, and good luck skydiving!

lol I'd be terrified.

Hugs, and all of my best,
Harley

Wheredoibegin · Apr 08, 2013, 12:56 AM

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I was googling and found this forum due to my similar situation. It crushes me that this can happen to anyone.
I am due in 4 weeks and was in utter bliss with my husband on our 3rd child, finally having a baby girl that we had planned and hoped for, when 4 weeks ago after a minor squabble about moving a piece of furniture one evening he decided that he was no longer happy and deemed our marriage toxic and unfixable. For the past month he has moved himself into our basement, shows me no affection and maintains a fairly happy attitude ever since he decided to give up on us.
I am still in shock, was definitely blindsided to this and utterly crushed. Everyday and night is a struggle alongside panic attacks and losing weight at this point in the pregnancy. Everyone says to stay strong and care for myself , the kids and new baby on her way, but I just don't know how I can put aside my former life the way I should and just move on , and forget the love of my life whom I have been with for over 12 years and still in love with.

How did you get through your hardship? I feel like I can't do this. I die each day that I wake up to my painful reality.

Harley47 · Apr 08, 2013, 02:26 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I can't fathom walking away from the mother of my children (speaking hypothetically, but the point is still valid). As much as I want a wife and family someday, to leave that, and over such a minor, minor spat strikes me as utterly baffling.

Is he open to any sort of communication as to why he has reached this absurd conclusion of his? It strikes me as...off...that he would deem your marriage, such a major life factor, as unfixable over a piece of furniture.

I don't want to pile additional stress onto you, but is there anything he would have prior to this that may be a factor? I...again, I don't want to cause you to be upset or worried or anything like that...but do you think it possible he's using this as a sort of scapegoat "out" for any other reason?

Or possibly that he's concerned or stressed with the due date so close? My stepfather was incredibly irritable prior to my sister being born, but once she was here, he sort of "reverted" back to normal. Just kicking around possibilities as to his rationale.

But I do know, sincerely, that you CAN do this...I am not going to lie or gloss things over and say it's going to be easy, and I wish I could offer you more advice as to the "how to" of things, but I know you can do this. Just try not to give up hope...there's always light at the end of the tunnel.

Know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and if I can do anything for you, feel free to PM me. And welcome to PC.

I am glad you found us.

Hugs,
Harley

Neptune83 · Apr 09, 2013, 05:18 AM

Read your story, just wanted to say I am so very sorry you had to go through this and at such a delicate time as well. I can't begin to imagine how you must have felt. I hope you're ok and your baby girl is doing well too.
I don't really understand why someone would just walk away like that, but sadly some do.
My sister went through similar a couple of years ago, only her partner had been cheating and had had another child whilst she was pregnant with their daughter. She found out days before her due date and was devastated. He said he wanted her and he was sorry, she gave him another chance. When their daughter was three weeks old he flipped and left her for the other girl. She's not seen him since and he's not bothered with his daughter since and she is now two and a half years old. To be honest, she is so much better off without him, he had played games for their entire five years together and she is so young (now 23) with so much future ahead of her, she doesn't need someone like that in her life, neither does her daughter and neither do you and yours. She is doing much better without him, much happier and much more confident. I hope this is the case for yourself too because you two need good stable people in your lives, not someone who'll just up and leave like that.
Anyway, much love and hugs to you, I hope you're both ok x

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